The laughter thread.
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Colin
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Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by RAF pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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Colin
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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.
French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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What I see is you taking cheap shots at atheists just for giggles. I've seen atheists online do the reverse and it was just as tacky, childish and hateful then as this is now.
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Colin
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer:
May I see your driver's licence?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Whose car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too .
Officer:
May I see your driver's licence?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Whose car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too .
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And I got reported for one, or someone didn't like one...whatever!
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Ppl have become overly sensitive, because they can.
I see millions of jokes about the Irish and i laugh at them.
shrug.
I see millions of jokes about the Irish and i laugh at them.
shrug.
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Colin
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre , followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, and she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........." She says : "You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and gently hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre , followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, and she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The young man is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........." She says : "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Colin
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Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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