So I spent a good 2 hours in Bible study yesterday...it was amazing. I am just blown away by how much I am learning and beginning to see. I feel as though God has opened my eyes to this knowledge which seems common sense, like I should have known it all along. But it is such a freedom to begin to finally truly see it and understand it.
So I have been "talking to" this guy. He spoke to me about his intentions a few days ago when we last hung out. I told him I wanted to take one more week and pray about things before making a commitment to date because we both are at a point where we would only be dating with marriage in mind. I take that seriously so I want to be sure I am making the right decision.
As I was praying about this yesterday I began to be overcome once again with doubts, fears, insecurities. I think God truly revealed to me yesterday how much I have let these thoughts take over me and become a part of me. When I was younger I was told all the time, no one could ever love you, your too difficult, your too unforgiving, your too rebellious, your a brat, your a bully, ect ect. (Its acceptable for your mother to beat you but hitting a sibling makes you a bully.) I was told no one would want to marry me because I was so nasty and mean. I can't remember every single thing that was said but they all began to blur together and that is what I started to see myself as. This happened from the age of about 5 to 16 or 17. I was not capable of being a good wife or mother because I was this terrible person, I could never be loving or forgiving or gracious or attract a good man. My mother no longer says things like that to me, or very rarely. (She says nothing positive either.) But for some reason, the things she said when I was a child just really stuck with me and I completely believed it all. After all she was my parent, she knew these things, she must be right.
Yesterday I suddenly realized something. How can those things be true and the power of Christ also be a real thing? If Christ has the power to change my life, help me overcome my sins, then I am NOT doomed to fail as a mother and wife. If I am living in the power of Christ I am not only capable of overcoming these negative areas but of being a wonderful wife and mother. I have always felt like I was doomed to be like her, only worse. I was confused as to who I was because many of those issues I had as a child disappeared as I got older. I didn't know I was capable of being anything other than evil and horrible for a long time.
Now as I am getting to know this man (godly, mature and loving) he is telling me what he sees in me. I struggle with understanding how he can see good in me because I have always believed I was nothing but evil and filthy worthlessness. He told me the other day that when he first met me I struck him as a very "sweet" girl. I sometimes feel like I should tell him, but I'm really not, maybe you are reading me wrong because I can't be those things.
Yet I am learning that it can be true, it is possible, because Christ has transformed my life and continues to do so every day. I can't even express in words the freedom that this realization gives me. I still struggle with getting my mind around it, with accepting Christ's grace and love. I truly never realized how much I believed those things, how much a part of me they were. I have always determined to be different from my mother in this area (as well as others) and now I do believe it is possible. I never want to hurt a child as much as I was hurt as a child. I never want to cause pain like that, affect someone's life like that. I know it will take time to work through this, to break this strong hold Satan has held on my life for almost 20 years, but in the end I have seen how much freedom it can offer, and that is what I want over anything.
As for this man
we will see what happens. I am trying my best to keep my heart and hand open to God's will. By the end of the week I hope to have a more clear idea of where our relationship will be going. I am scared to death to get close to anyone and I feel I need to work through some of those issues before I can be ready for a relationship. So it might just take some time, but from what I have seen so far, I think he might be the one for me.
So I have been "talking to" this guy. He spoke to me about his intentions a few days ago when we last hung out. I told him I wanted to take one more week and pray about things before making a commitment to date because we both are at a point where we would only be dating with marriage in mind. I take that seriously so I want to be sure I am making the right decision.
As I was praying about this yesterday I began to be overcome once again with doubts, fears, insecurities. I think God truly revealed to me yesterday how much I have let these thoughts take over me and become a part of me. When I was younger I was told all the time, no one could ever love you, your too difficult, your too unforgiving, your too rebellious, your a brat, your a bully, ect ect. (Its acceptable for your mother to beat you but hitting a sibling makes you a bully.) I was told no one would want to marry me because I was so nasty and mean. I can't remember every single thing that was said but they all began to blur together and that is what I started to see myself as. This happened from the age of about 5 to 16 or 17. I was not capable of being a good wife or mother because I was this terrible person, I could never be loving or forgiving or gracious or attract a good man. My mother no longer says things like that to me, or very rarely. (She says nothing positive either.) But for some reason, the things she said when I was a child just really stuck with me and I completely believed it all. After all she was my parent, she knew these things, she must be right.
Yesterday I suddenly realized something. How can those things be true and the power of Christ also be a real thing? If Christ has the power to change my life, help me overcome my sins, then I am NOT doomed to fail as a mother and wife. If I am living in the power of Christ I am not only capable of overcoming these negative areas but of being a wonderful wife and mother. I have always felt like I was doomed to be like her, only worse. I was confused as to who I was because many of those issues I had as a child disappeared as I got older. I didn't know I was capable of being anything other than evil and horrible for a long time.
Now as I am getting to know this man (godly, mature and loving) he is telling me what he sees in me. I struggle with understanding how he can see good in me because I have always believed I was nothing but evil and filthy worthlessness. He told me the other day that when he first met me I struck him as a very "sweet" girl. I sometimes feel like I should tell him, but I'm really not, maybe you are reading me wrong because I can't be those things.
Yet I am learning that it can be true, it is possible, because Christ has transformed my life and continues to do so every day. I can't even express in words the freedom that this realization gives me. I still struggle with getting my mind around it, with accepting Christ's grace and love. I truly never realized how much I believed those things, how much a part of me they were. I have always determined to be different from my mother in this area (as well as others) and now I do believe it is possible. I never want to hurt a child as much as I was hurt as a child. I never want to cause pain like that, affect someone's life like that. I know it will take time to work through this, to break this strong hold Satan has held on my life for almost 20 years, but in the end I have seen how much freedom it can offer, and that is what I want over anything.
As for this man
we will see what happens. I am trying my best to keep my heart and hand open to God's will. By the end of the week I hope to have a more clear idea of where our relationship will be going. I am scared to death to get close to anyone and I feel I need to work through some of those issues before I can be ready for a relationship. So it might just take some time, but from what I have seen so far, I think he might be the one for me.
