YOU MIGHT BE A UNITED METHODIST IF......
1. You don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed.
2. You know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device.
3."The Upper Room" is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet
paper.
4. You've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts.
5. You sit while singing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus."
6. You've ever sung a gender inclusive hymn.
7. Tithing is encouraged but widely ignored.
8. Half the people sitting in your pew lip-synch the words to the
hymns.
9. The word "apportionment" sends a chill down your spine.
10. You realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease.
11. Names like Aldersgate, Asbury and Epworth are familiar.
12. You consider the monthly potluck a sacrament.
13. The only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah."
14. You've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed
it.
15. You have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's chapel in
London.
16. Your church is named for a geographical location rather than for
a saint.
17. You've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing
out.
18. You realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease.
19. Pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
(sometimes).
20. Your pastor responds to you with, "I hear what you are
saying...."
21. There's at least one person in every church meeting who says,
"But we've never done it that way before."
22. Your congregation's Christmas pageant include both boy and girl
wise men.
23. You accept the fact that the hymn, "O For a Thousand Tongues to
Sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues.
24. You know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football
play involving four lateral passes.
25. You realize that the "Book of Discipline" is not a guide to
getting your child to behave.
26. You understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with
keeping a lunch date.
27. You know "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the
United Mine Workers.
28.You know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a
"diaconal" minister.
29. "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the
worship service.
30. You feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian
Soldiers" with gusto.
31. You say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and
have no idea why.
32. Your annual conference spends most of its time debating
resolutions that nobody reads.
33. You'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the
Nominating Committee (or SPR, Trustees, Finance, etc.)
34. You've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot
glass during Communion.
35. The members of the Friendship class are always fighting among
themselves.
36. You realize that sprinkling, pouring and
immersing are not ways of seasoning food.
37. You're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other
Sunday.
38. You pour over the Annual Conference Journal with the same
intensity you would read a John Grisham novel.
39. You have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get
into the sanctuary.
40. When the worship service lasts for more than one hour the beeping
of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.
1. You don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed.
2. You know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device.
3."The Upper Room" is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet
paper.
4. You've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts.
5. You sit while singing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus."
6. You've ever sung a gender inclusive hymn.
7. Tithing is encouraged but widely ignored.
8. Half the people sitting in your pew lip-synch the words to the
hymns.
9. The word "apportionment" sends a chill down your spine.
10. You realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease.
11. Names like Aldersgate, Asbury and Epworth are familiar.
12. You consider the monthly potluck a sacrament.
13. The only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah."
14. You've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed
it.
15. You have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's chapel in
London.
16. Your church is named for a geographical location rather than for
a saint.
17. You've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing
out.
18. You realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease.
19. Pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
(sometimes).
20. Your pastor responds to you with, "I hear what you are
saying...."
21. There's at least one person in every church meeting who says,
"But we've never done it that way before."
22. Your congregation's Christmas pageant include both boy and girl
wise men.
23. You accept the fact that the hymn, "O For a Thousand Tongues to
Sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues.
24. You know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football
play involving four lateral passes.
25. You realize that the "Book of Discipline" is not a guide to
getting your child to behave.
26. You understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with
keeping a lunch date.
27. You know "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the
United Mine Workers.
28.You know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a
"diaconal" minister.
29. "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the
worship service.
30. You feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian
Soldiers" with gusto.
31. You say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and
have no idea why.
32. Your annual conference spends most of its time debating
resolutions that nobody reads.
33. You'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the
Nominating Committee (or SPR, Trustees, Finance, etc.)
34. You've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot
glass during Communion.
35. The members of the Friendship class are always fighting among
themselves.
36. You realize that sprinkling, pouring and
immersing are not ways of seasoning food.
37. You're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other
Sunday.
38. You pour over the Annual Conference Journal with the same
intensity you would read a John Grisham novel.
39. You have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get
into the sanctuary.
40. When the worship service lasts for more than one hour the beeping
of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.
