Yet another sex question

[LuxPerpetua]

Since there are a lot of sex issues being discussed at the moment, I thought I'd try to get over my own embarrassment and just ask you guys:

Have any of you who were totally abstinent before marriage had difficulty adjusting to sex within marriage?

My hubby and I have been married for over 1.5 years now (we dated for 5.5 before marriage and knew from the start we'd get married) but I especially have had a great deal of difficulty enjoying sex after so many years of an abstinence-only mindset. I am completely mortified that when we do decide to start a family that all of my friends and family will then have undeniable proof that we have sex (yeah, I know that I pay lip service to "sex is a gift of marriage," etc., but I just don't feel comfortable with it at all). My hubby is just the most wonderful man in the world, and we've talked about this issue and have decided that a good compromise is sex once a week (and we have very gentle physical intimacy so it isn't a physically uncomfortable feeling at all). I've always had a near non-existent sex drive and sexuality is not something that is ever discussed in my family (which may explain my low drive and complete sexual naivete before marriage: when were discussing sex before we got married, I must admit that I had no clue at all how things worked down there . . . seriously!).

I just feel like I can't adjust to a sexual lifestyle after having been so committed to a non-sexual one for so long. In case this matters, I'm 22 and hubby is 23. I guess we still qualify for newly-wed status since we've only been married for 1.5 years. My hesitations toward sex have been present since the beginning of our marriage. Dh has done his best to compromise and help me, but I just feel so inadequate. I never get aroused (which is kind of weird since we are very emotionally and physically loving toward each other outside of the bedroom) and I usually feel weird (emotionally) after having sex. I have never had a problem with sexual abuse in my life (I come from a very loving Christian home) so that's not the problem. I think I'm just having serious difficulty adjusting to my sexual life now, and I don't like feeling like I should have sex now that I'm married or that I'm maladjusted since I have a lot of guilty feelings associated with sex (even though I know that it's perfectly okay now in God's eyes).

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

This is soooo embarrassing :o

 

[GirlieGirl]

Study Song of Solomon?

(yes, these questions can be embarrassing! I feel your pain!)

 

[JimfromOhio]

There are a number of reasons a person might lack sexual desire for their spouse. When you consider that sexual desire starts with what happens between your ears and then is greatly influenced by the marriage relationship itself, it is understandable that most of what is going to stall desire will be personal or relational in nature. There are, of course, some physical problems that can affect sexual desire too. Sex is a precious gift designed by God, and He wants to be Lord even over our sex life (Gen. 1-2; Song of Solomon). Our culture tends to teach women that sexual enjoyment is for men, that "nice girls don't "or that sex is somehow dirty. guilt from (false or genuine) sexual sin. Growing up in a strict anti-sex household can make people feel guilty about normal and natural sexual thoughts and desires. Some even feel guilty about their desire for their spouse. Still others feel guilt over things they want to do with their spouse; things they themselves believe are wrong or "kinky," or believe their spouse would consider weird or sinful. The Bible makes it clear that God designed both men and women to enjoy sex and that liking sex is normal and healthy. Making love with your spouse should be a joyous, exciting time. Here are some things to consider in making your private time more comfortable and enjoyable.

My advise is to find a christian sexuality therapist in your home area or find a christian organization's website relating to Christian Marriage and Sexuality (i.e. The Song Of Solomon Conference: http://www.thesongofsolomon.com )

 

[E-beth]

I know what you mean about a baby being undeniable proof that you had sex. After my honeymoon I sat in church the next Sunday thinking, "Everybody here knows I have had sex!!!" I was really embarassed by that.

I am wondering how sexually gratifying sex is for you. If you aren't being sexually fulfilled then you won't be very anxious to do it again.

There is nothing wrong with having a hard time with guilt after finally being "allowed" to be a sexual person. You have resisted so long that it basically became a habit. Which was a good thing...until you got married.

Try different stuff on your once a week date. Order some books online (less embarrassing that way) that might teach you how a body works and different ways you can increase your relaxation and lessen your guilt.

If your H was also a virgin on your wedding day, then you guys have a whole lifetime of experimenting and learning what works and what doesn't. As you get more comfortable with the whole deal, then you may feel like you can talk to your doctor about it.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Thanks for the replies so far! You all have given me some great advice.

And for clarification's sake, dh was a virgin too before marriage--but he just seems to not be bothered by sex as much as me. I think part of it may be that (warning: this is graphic) I cannot have an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] unless it through oral sex and this only makes things more emotionally uncomfortable for me since I really want to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] from the intercourse itself. Sometimes I get that really close spiritual connection with dh during and after sex, but not always. I think a lot of it comes from my guilty feelings. I also think, E-beth, that being non-sexual has become a habit, and one that is very difficult to break at that.

 

[B-Real]

All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord-you were both virgins and now you are still virgins within the marriage because you are one with your husband and as long as you and he are faithful to one another you are pure and holy and clean in the eyes of God. God made woman for man to love and he told man to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave his life for it. Let go and let yourself enjoy the fulfillment of love that is found in holy matrimony-becoming with your spouse is allowed so just enjoy your marriage in all of the splender that it was intended to be and all will be well. Pray and release yourself from the commitment you had to your singular virginal stateand ask for understanding to know that you are free to enjoy the fruits of your chosen love(rejoice)

 

[HappyPrincess]

I am getting married in a week. (And I'm 30 years old) So I'm trying to psyche myself up to NOT feel guilty. The counseling with my pastor and the marriage prep class we were in helped too.

My pastor's wife had an interesting idea (They've only been married a little over a year themselves so they are closer to it) There is NOTHING else in the BIble like Sex. That between one day and the next it goes from being Absolutely Wrong to Absolutely Right. And we have to do a 180 in how we think about it. So we are conditioned from childhood to think one way then have to turn around the other.

My pastor likes to say that Phillipians 2 applies to the bedroom as well.
"1 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,
2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others."

In class, they taught us "Do not be ashamed of talking about that which God was not ashamed to create"

And that Proverbs 5:19 "Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." and Song of Solomon are just as inspired as John 3:16.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

You said it: Those 180 degree turns are difficult!

. . . and it doesn't help that I'm way to embarrassed and shy to ask my Christian friends in real life--although I love that saying "do not be ashamed of talking about that which God was not ashamed to create." That is definitely something I need to put into my memory!

 

[E-beth]

When I was first married, and was a virgin on my wedding night, we prayed before we were intimate. I thought it would be difficult to relax and not be embarrassed, but whoa nelly. God's blessings ROCK!

Lux, I am PMing you about some stuff that doesn't belong here on an open forum.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Thanks E-beth!

 

[koppee1]

let me butt in. I think many girls don't get an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] through sex alone. Like you, many girls need other ways (like oral sex) to get one. My wife is just like you by the way (the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] part).

and as for your sex drive...i think it's different from everyone. Some probably have a higher sex drive, and some a lower one. I don't think it means there's anything wrong with you.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

Thanks Koppee1! It's nice to hear that I'm not weird or abnormal.

Blessings to you and your wife!

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Awww. My best friend has experianced close to the same thing. She had been sexually active with other men, but when she decided to completely give her life over to God she met a wonderful christain man and they were "friends" for like a year and a half before they got engaged and married. They decided that they wouldn't even kiss until their wedding day. And they didn't, but then she found that it just wasn't that easy to transition into the sexual arena, though she loves him very much. I wouldn't know myself LOL, because never practiced abstinence, it's a good thing your relationship isn't based on sex. But here's my 2 cents, you'll grow more comfortable over time. Pray about it- ask God to help you lose your inhibitions and want to do it more. And well, don't push it, though it sounds like you want it to change, otherwise you wouldn't be posting it here. And I know what you mean about the pregnancy thing, but can I tell you- no one really cares. My neice and nephew (inlaws, to young myself to really have a nephew that old....) had a baby recently after being married for 2 years, and well, goes to show that they are intimate, but it's expected, no one really cares, honestly. Hope that's helpful

 

[DaveKerwin]

Get creative and you can have an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] while having sex, make it fun for yourself and realize you are living according to God's word.

 

[Henhouse]

Hey there! I was a virgin til my wedding night, too (then we overloaded and I was in pain for a week! ). But I've always been interested in sex, even masturbated regularly from my early teens, so can't help too much on that one. It was more like "I finally get to do it!" But anyway...
The book "The act of Marriage" by Tim LaHaye is very good.
(It is quite normal to need direct stimulation to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I try to not seek it most of the time, and just enjoy the intimacy.)
What throws my hubby off is when I cry afterwards sometimes. Not sure why; something about being that open with another person...