Yakini - a short story with a different format

[<<dAnNi>>]

Yakini

By Danni



Yakini
Searching, searching, searching for the unknown…I don’t know where I travel now, I don’t know where I wander…all I know is why. I travel because I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know where else to go; I don’t know where to find the answers and the questions that haunt my step everyday. I constantly want to look over my shoulder, to just look behind me…to make sure that someone isn’t whispering in to my ear, isn’t whispering these thoughts, these doubts, these confusions…it would be so much easier on me if there were someone behind me…that way I could confront them…but by myself I travel…these thoughts are my own.



These thoughts haunt me, and what is worse, is that they change every day…they start to haunt me more…and sometimes they haunt me less…but that is because I get adjusted to these thoughts, they start to take control. I feel…I don’t know what I feel…I don’t know what I feel…



Gamba

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all…1



Yakini:

I dance today, a deep joy, a deep longing, a deep refreshing has overflowed my heart today…there is no explanation, there is no real reason…but just because…just because I want to be happy, just because…there is no explanation…!



Gamba:

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.2



Yakini:

I know that things are not all well again today, I know also though that no matter what, I will continue to travel through this…I must not let it add on to continuing burdens…pain shall not continue to get through…I will persevere…I will stand up under these new weights, I will continue to stand up…there is no need for me to talk about these things, no need to share my weight. It is not up to me to give this to others…I feel that these were given to me for a reason, therefore I must continue to handle them the way I see fit…there is nothing wrong with that, surely?



Gamba:

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.3



Yakini:

I crawl today…well, I don’t…but I want to…I’m confused, left to myself to sort out this mess…this, this life…but not my life…who’s life? I don’t know…just…a life…there is not much I know, not much that makes much sense anymore…but there are a few things which do…what they are…I don’t know yet…but yet I do…I know I make no sense to any others, but to me I do…though I am weak, I know I am strong…surely, one can be strong in weakness? Surely one is able to handle such difficulties alone…no such instruction has ever been taught to me…



Gamba:

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.4



Yakini:

Shall I always be swamped with such confusions and quarrels in my heart? I never knew and understood how my heart and my head shall always battle each other. Oh, how I long for a peace, an eternal peace…but no…I still travel…so heavily burdened…I don’t know what I seek for…but I will look for this peace, and I will find this peace…I do not know where to find this peace yet. Surely though, it will come…



Gamba:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.5



Yakini:

I can’t remember yesterday…I don’t know how much time has passed…but I know that time has passed, and it was time of blissful nothingness…complete nothingness…just a numbing, I felt like my brain had died, and nothing, yet everything made sense. But the throbbing of my head, I wonder if it was all worth it…I wonder, is there something more to life then drowning my sorrows in cheap wine? Is there something more…can control of my life really be this hard? I just want to control it all, keep it in a box, I want to know what is going to happen to me, am I to die like this, lonely, hopeless, dirty and full of self-pity? Will I die knowing something strangled me…something suffocated me…? This something is hidden…dark…eyes vehemently watching me…haunting my dreams…I feel them reaching towards me, grabbing at me…snickering from all sides…and yet I awaken, and I feel a shame…a deepening shame…and so I live another day wondering…how long shall I be troubled by the things I have done?

 

[<<dAnNi>>]

Gamba:

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.6



Yakini:

My heart is telling me so much…how I wish I could see the difference between truth and lies. I wish I knew what to do…what to feel…no one taught me what was right, or what was wrong. How am I expected to live this life with the constant unknowing of where I am heading? I am a lost wanderer in the desert…a searcher among the dead…a forager of what is no longer…what is Yakini? Truth? How can I, Yakini…know truth…am I supposed to know…am I supposed to search it out…why did my Mother name me truth? It is beyond understanding. What do I believe…who do I believe…all I can hear is the torment of my heart, words that rip my soul apart like a jagged rock tears flesh…am I supposed to believe this is truth? Surely not…I was told to follow my heart…this is inbred in to me…but my heart…my heart…does it speak truth? Does it reveal who I am?



Gamba:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?7

Yakini:

I have been thinking too much, so I decided today to pretend this pain and confusion where no longer real…that it was not truth…that such a fierce hatred of… of darkness…could not even exist…I was happier today, or at least, I think I was. I still really don’t know, was it fake, a mask…a mask to hide the searing wounds beneath the surface. Is there hope for me now…I don’t know hope, I don’t believe in hope, I don’t think I have ever experienced hope. What is hope? Maybe life is to be cast away, and it all just depends on what time we do it, on what time we decide life is over…and then maybe we can come back if we choose, and come back in a more beautiful form? Maybe life can be chosen whether we live it or not? Maybe this is the control I have always needed, desired…lusted for…control over life and death…the right to choose…maybe it is not worth living anymore.



Gamba:

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.8



Yakini:

I heard voices as I slept again tonight. But tonight was different…it was bright, vibrant…and so glorious…I have never seen something so alive. I felt like I was looking in to the sun, and being blinded by its beauty. I still wonder if it was indeed the sun, the sun telling me what to do and where to go…which direction I must take now…I wonder if there is a god looking after me. I never believed in the gods…but maybe I need to now.



I saw two pictures…both were of me, both were in the future…in one I was floundering around like a fish out of water…dying, drowning, suffocating…and I was being mocked and the darkness around me was cheering for my death. In the other, I was surrounded by light, the light was smiling, I couldn’t see it, but I sensed it, and in this other one, I was happy and peaceful. I felt like life was worth living…I felt like someone was cheering me on towards life. But I soon awoke from my dream, and with the awakening I realized I have a choice. I know where I want to head…I think…



Part of me wants to jump at the idea of life again, and maybe a renewed hope…though I still am not quite sure what it feels like in its completeness…but I sense a flicker in the depth of my soul. But part of me believes that the search to hope will be too hard, a journey so often started but rarely finished…so part of me wonders if it is worth it in the end. Is there some sort of god out there…favoring me…? Or is it just darkness and light, and the constant battle between the two…one as she battles for day, the other as he battles for night. Can comfort be found in the knowledge that life may have no meaning…? Surely not…surely I am here for some ultimate?



Gamba:

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 9



Yakini:

And so life goes on, I have not heard the voice of peace again. No, I have once again been haunted by my fears, haunted by my past, haunted by my future…I have been haunted it by it all. I heard have finally heard the voice of darkness…heard it in true form…it sounded so true, so right, it made me feel like there was no hope for me left now…I talked with him, and I asked many questions…and with each answer I believed I felt enveloped by a cold hand, slowly strangling me…slowly poisoning me…slowly changing my view on everything I have ever known. But what he said about me made sense! Is it not what I have always believed in anyway? Are not his words the same ones I have spoken against myself? So what I must I believe now…believe in a hope…a hope which seems to have failed me once more? Or do I believe that these words are truth? Believe the darkness, which is so frequent, or the light, which is so scarce in this World?



Gamba:

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.10



Yakini:

I have seen the light once more…a blazing glory stood before me as I wandered in the bog, the bog that was swallowing my soul. I fell to my knees, and he pressed in towards me, he told me he loved me…I cried, I didn’t believe it…why would he love me…he told me that I could have life. I didn’t understand…I don’t know what held me back…I don’t know why I didn’t reach out to him…why was I afraid…he told me that there was no fear in his love…I couldn’t lift my head towards him, I couldn’t utter a word…yet he knew…he knew my thoughts, and he answered…his voice was so peaceful, so quiet, yet so strong…like a soft breeze gliding along a crystal lake…it was so perfect…I felt so inferior…I didn’t deserve to be kneeling in front of him…I deserved even less to stand with him…but he offered his hand…his hand was wounded…so deep…so thorough…I wondered who had hated him enough to do this to him…and yet part of me knew that I had hurt him – and part of me knew that he was wounded because he loved me. Who was he?



Gamba:

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." 11



Yakini:

I can see now…I can hear now the pain no longer blinds me I have felt…I can finally hear the Gamba of my soul. Gamba has always been there…I believe it now…I know that there is hope for me. I once believed that it was the sun talking to me…and how right I was, to an extent…the SON was talking to me. He revealed himself to me, and he told me that he died for me; he told me that if I wanted it…I could be forgiven and I could be set free. He was offering everything I have always wanted…at first I held back…did I want this…? Did I believe this…? And I realized, that I had everything to gain, and nothing to lose…and I accepted and I said I believed…and then he said…you are forgiven. It is over. The battle has been won.



Gamba:

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God. 12



Yakini:

And forever I shall rejoice…though this path may not be easy…it will not always be hard. I will be weakened when I need strength, and through this I shall be humbled. Gamba…my warrior Spirit…my guardian angel…he shall always protect me…with him and my God…I have hope. For I have been renewed, I have been rekindled and I have been reaffirmed!



Gamba:

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.13



The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.14

The end​

END NOTES:

1Ecclesiastes 9:11

2Job 8:21

3Galatians 6:2

42 Corinthians 12:10

5John 14:27

6Galatians 5:1

7Jeremiah 17:9

8Luke 12:7

9Psalm 139:15-18

10Colossians 1:13, 14

11John 8:12

121 John 5:3-5

13Acts 2:26-28

14John 6:63

 

[Lyle]

Is this written as a conversation, or different happenings? I could see it playing into either quite well

 

[Lessien]

I liked it. Different, yes, and also very thought-provoking.

 

[<<dAnNi>>]

Lyle...if you haven't already you should read the explaination I have also posted...but basically it is written as Yakini's thoughts...Gamba is depicted as an angel as such...which is trying to encourage her along the way using Scripture verses...He is her warrior...trying to defeat the evil thoughts that possess her. I believe that before people accept Christ that God is always trying to communicate to us in some way, shape or form...and so through Gamba I have tried to show this communication...Yakini was oblivious to it until towards the end...

Gamba…my warrior Spirit…my guardian angel…he shall always protect me…with him and my God…I have hope. For I have been renewed, I have been rekindled and I have been reaffirmed!

Hope that helps a bit with an explanation...feel free to ask any other questions though!