Would you send a child to boarding school?

[MrsSWH]

Hello,

Have any of you ever sent a child to boarding school/would you?

I think this could be a good option for my family but I don't know anyone who ever went or sent their children. Financially we could do it. It would also be an opportunity to instill some good discipline and ambition in him. My stepson is still a brat, less of a brat than when he came but still... I think at his age something drastic is needed.

My stepson's mother is from England and I have heard the schools there are very good. If you have any information please let me know.

 

[VeritasA]

Hi, well I'm not a parent myself but I did attend boarding school when I was 13.

Looking back, it's kind of attending a college or university but with a more control. At the time, my parents were traveling all over the world due to work and I ended up at a all girl Catholic boarding school in Argentina . Overall, I enjoyed boarding school and staying in another country. It was fun and you really connect with other students. The nuns were super friendly and made me feel at home.

Now, from my experience, boarding school can be good for some people and bad for others. Attending boarding school, I feel, made me more independent and more of a self-starter at a young age. Also, I felt like my boarding school teachers were more involved in my education than any other teachers I've ever had. The classes were small, so it was easy to make good friends and feel comfortable with others! Even though I am now in the U.S I still keep in contact with many of the gals I met here

Of course, for some people it could go the other way. Some older classmates, very very few though, were resentful their parents had sent them there, I think . Many of them would often get in trouble for trying to sneak out, trying to smoke, and other things we weren't allowed to do.

 

[MrsSWH]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, the smaller classes sound very appealing to me.

 

[StarBright]

No, I would not. It says "I can purchase someone else caring for my kid because I don't want to anymore". What a message to send to that child.

The only time I would advocate sending a child away is if they have severe behavioral issues and are a danger to themselves or others. Not just being a brat.

 

[MrsSWH]

No, I would not. It says "I can purchase someone else caring for my kid because I don't want to anymore". What a message to send to that child.

The only time I would advocate sending a child away is if they have severe behavioral issues and are a danger to themselves or others. Not just being a brat.

You are right. Him just being a brat would not be a reason all by itself. However what about other factors? However he is one very very intelligent brat. An intelligent brat lacking any and all ambition to do anything except flirt inappropriately. I also think the enclosed environment would prevent some kids from getting distractions. My stepson is often distracted. The boarding schools we are considering seem to instill such an academic work ethic in the boys. Healthy competition and strong friendships seem to be encouraged. I only wish someone had sent me!

Also I suspect headmasters and matrons who have dealt with hundreds of boys every year can certainly fill in the gaps where we are failing with him.

 

[StarBright]

I still don't think it's anyone else's job to raise your kid, but you. I'm not berating your opinion or telling you what to do I totally see where you're coming from. I just don't agree with it. Kids belong with family. They're already educated (and too often indoctrinated) away at school 8-10+ hours a day from the time they're little. It's already difficult to have any quality time with your own child, simply in the every day situation of parents working and child at school all day. Completely removing your child from your home and family, for the sake of "education" just seems excessive to me, something that people with money do simply because they'd rather have someone else "handle" their child. I don't think boarding schools are evil or anything like that. I understand that kids can get an amazing education there, and make friends, and have plenty of fun, enriching experiences. I just don't like the premise behind the whole thing (take my kid, here I'll pay you, bring him back in a year). And I want to be the one to teach and influence my child about right and wrong, how to act, what makes a good person, etc. If he's not around me, I'm not doing that, he's been "raised" by whoever he's around at the boarding school. Your child may be getting a stellar education, but you get ZERO influence on who he's becoming as a young man.

 

[BeAuTiFuLcHaOs]

Never

 

[bdentzy]

Hello,

Have any of you ever sent a child to boarding school/would you?

I think this could be a good option for my family but I don't know anyone who ever went or sent their children. Financially we could do it. It would also be an opportunity to instill some good discipline and ambition in him. My stepson is still a brat, less of a brat than when he came but still... I think at his age something drastic is needed.

My stepson's mother is from England and I have heard the schools there are very good. If you have any information please let me know.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. Not knowing your stepson and the history there, it's hard to know if he's using the family situation to get away with stuff or if his actions really do come from a place of pain and perhaps a fear of abandonment.

For me, I'd hate to miss those moments of sharing family time together. But it sounds like you may not have those right now anyway.

Nonetheless, as several others in this thread have pointed out, boarding school as discipline is pretty drastic. More on the lines of what I'd expect if a child needed a change of scenery to get away from negative influences, illegal actions, additions, or other destructive behaviors. Not just behaving poorly or lacking ambition.

 

[MrsSWH]

I still don't think it's anyone else's job to raise your kid, but you.

I don't think you can say a boarding school raises the children. They do come home during holidays you know. Besides it may not be anyone else's job but isn't smart to give your child opportunities you may not have?

I'm not berating your opinion or telling you what to do I totally see where you're coming from. I just don't agree with it. Kids belong with family. They're already educated (and too often indoctrinated) away at school 8-10+ hours a day from the time they're little. It's already difficult to have any quality time with your own child, simply in the every day situation of parents working and child at school all day. Completely removing your child from your home and family, for the sake of "education" just seems excessive to me, something that people with money do simply because they'd rather have someone else "handle" their child. I don't think boarding schools are evil or anything like that. I understand that kids can get an amazing education there, and make friends, and have plenty of fun, enriching experiences. I just don't like the premise behind the whole thing (take my kid, here I'll pay you, bring him back in a year). And I want to be the one to teach and influence my child about right and wrong, how to act, what makes a good person, etc. If he's not around me, I'm not doing that, he's been "raised" by whoever he's around at the boarding school. Your child may be getting a stellar education, but you get ZERO influence on who he's becoming as a young man.

I am not sure children are educated enough in state schools. My children go to private school and while that is better I still don't think it is as good as it could be. If I was an expect in very subject I would happy to teach them self. However even that would not be good enough because I think the best education is when you are around like minded peers with people who enjoy what they are teaching. I also think by 13 most children can think by themselves.

I don't know but if my sons came back like this I would not be disappointed:

Britain's Youngest Boarders 2010 - YouTube

 

[MrsSWH]

Never

Why not?

 

[akmom]

I agree with most of the other posters. It is the parents' responsibility to raise their children. In a boarding school, it is indeed the instructors that raise the child, not the parents. Coming home for the holidays is an opportunity to visit, not akin to raising a child. Raising the child involves interacting with him on a daily basis, being involved in everyday accomplishments and struggles, and setting and enforcing your own standards. It does not mean paying someone else to do it for you, no matter how much you approve of their techniques or how positive you think the environment will be. Perhaps there are unique situations where a boarding school may be better than the home situation, but it doesn't sound like your family is facing any extraordinary circumstances like that.

I don't mean to be rude, but does this idea have anything to do with him being your stepson? How do his mother and father feel about it? I know I would not be able to send my own kids to a boarding school, because I would miss them so much. I also know that stepparents, who don't have a life-long bond with the child, might find it much easier than a real parent to just send them off when they get "bratty." But I don't think it's fair to the kid. Now if this is something he is interested in for his own educational or cultural experience, and you are supportive of this and financially able to provide it, then it's a different scenario. But if you just don't want the burden of sharing a home with a child who is not yours and whose behaviors you dislike, then I think it's wrong.

 

[MrsSWH]

I agree with most of the other posters. It is the parents' responsibility to raise their children. In a boarding school, it is indeed the instructors that raise the child, not the parents. Coming home for the holidays is an opportunity to visit, not akin to raising a child. Raising the child involves interacting with him on a daily basis, being involved in everyday accomplishments and struggles, and setting and enforcing your own standards. It does not mean paying someone else to do it for you, no matter how much you approve of their techniques or how positive you think the environment will be. Perhaps there are unique situations where a boarding school may be better than the home situation, but it doesn't sound like your family is facing any extraordinary circumstances like that.

I don't mean to be rude, but does this idea have anything to do with him being your stepson? How do his mother and father feel about it? I know I would not be able to send my own kids to a boarding school, because I would miss them so much. I also know that stepparents, who don't have a life-long bond with the child, might find it much easier than a real parent to just send them off when they get "bratty." But I don't think it's fair to the kid. Now if this is something he is interested in for his own educational or cultural experience, and you are supportive of this and financially able to provide it, then it's a different scenario. But if you just don't want the burden of sharing a home with a child who is not yours and whose behaviors you dislike, then I think it's wrong.

By "bratty" I was being kind. I have asked for help on this forum with how to deal with him: http://www.christianforums.com/t7709124/

He is slightly better now. I just think if he stays with us he won't achieve all he can achieve. If my son ever got to be half as bad as he was I would consider it also. it has nothing to do with him not being my biological child.

 

[akmom]

I think there was a lot of good Christian advice on that thread you linked.

But I definitely feel like boarding school would be the absolute worst way to go, considering what he has been through. His father abandoned him when he was young, and his mother abandoned him recently. Stability is what he needs.

If my son ever got to be half as bad as he was I would consider it also.

Your son didn't deal with abandonment issues in his formative years. If your son suddenly acted half as bad as your stepson, then there would be external factors involved in that transformation. So getting him away from those factors would be a very sensible solution. But it sounds like your stepson's problems are very much internal, and will follow him wherever he goes. The thing he really needs is attachment and security, which comes from a family, not a boarding school.

Upbringing is everything. In sociology, they call it the "early window." It's when a child forms attachments and learns to trust others. It's crucial to their development. Your own children grew up in a stable, loving, two-parent household - with all the emotional support, financial security and flexibility that comes with that - so the behavior you expect from them will always be different than what you can expect from your stepson. Obviously there is room for improvement, but a kid who was raised by a single mother - with all the challenges that come with that - is not going to meet the same expectations. Not even with boarding school. In fact, the thing that was missing (which can't be fully restored at this age) was a stable home, so that's what he needs most.

It really sounds like the equivalent of a foster home. For whatever reason, his mother was no longer willing to care for him, and whatever obviously serious problems existed in that home are manifested in his behavior. I know he is biologically related to your husband, but since there is little history there, and none with you, you guys are essentially a new family. So you are essentially facing the same challenges of foster parents, who have a plethora of resources available to them. Maybe it's time to get in on those resources. Can you take a foster parenting class? Can you meet with other foster parents? Can you get your stepson into therapy? All of these things would be happening if you were an official foster home. I know several families that do foster care, and it is very hard. If you're facing the same hardships, you might want to take the same approaches. Parenting foster kids is very different from parenting your own children from birth, and I have heard that from every single foster parent I have ever known. It is not the same, and they never compare the two. But it is rewarding in its own way and good for the children who came from inadequate homes (which your stepson did, if his mother "gave up").

 

[JCFantasy23]

Hello,

Have any of you ever sent a child to boarding school/would you?

I think this could be a good option for my family but I don't know anyone who ever went or sent their children. Financially we could do it. It would also be an opportunity to instill some good discipline and ambition in him. My stepson is still a brat, less of a brat than when he came but still... I think at his age something drastic is needed.

My stepson's mother is from England and I have heard the schools there are very good. If you have any information please let me know.

I would only do it under very, very extreme circumstances. Sometimes it is needed if after years the teen keeps getting worse no matter what anyone does.

 

[bdentzy]

By "bratty" I was being kind. I have asked for help on this forum with how to deal with him: (url removed so I can reply)

He is slightly better now. I just think if he stays with us he won't achieve all he can achieve. If my son ever got to be half as bad as he was I would consider it also. it has nothing to do with him not being my biological child.

After reading the more specific thread, I have to agree with a couple of the responders there. Counseling seems in order.

Based on your description of the situation and some of the actions he's taken, it's clear that he's hurting and lashing out. I think having an outside party there to referree and even guide the conversation can really help as you get into the deep issues that are going on with him and some of the fall-out in your marriage.

I want to be clear - going to counseling is no guarantee either (after all, if it was, no marriages would fail if counseling was involved) but it does create a safe space for him to learn how to deal with his emotions in a more mature manner. And, in the end, if more significant action is needed, you'll have the support of a (hopefully) non-biased outsider with experience and training to help advise you.

Also (and I feel dumb for putting this so far down in the reply) PRAY. Pray like you've not prayed before. Pray that God would transform his life. Pray that God would teach you how to olve him. Pray that God would unify your marriage.

Pray that truth and love would win out. Pray that he would see Christ in the ways you and your husband respond to what's going on. Pray that he would see Christ in the ways that you and your husband communicate with his mother. Pray that God would reveal his glory in and through your family.

 

[AranCF13]

I went to boarding school and it was the most incredible, amazing experience. I was raised by my aunt and her family who didn't always find me very easy to look after and like all kids I was very sensitive to that, I knew that they found me difficult which only made me more difficult. I went to boarding school aged 8 and stayed until I was 18. For me it was a better fit than the family I left behind, I got see my aunt and her family for a few weeks at a time which meant the time I spent with them was much more enjoyable and much less pressured.
At normal school I was a mediocre student, but small classes and teacher who genuinely cared meant that I became a very hard working student and I ended up with an excellent education. I feel like there is a lot of hate towards boarding schools, but the school I went to was loved by 95% of the girls there and the few who struggled knew almost immediately and went home to their parents. It's not for everyone though, some people just need a family.
I have every intention of allowing my children to go to boarding school if they want to, it is a wonderful way to learn about yourself away from the opinions of your parents. The problem with this lots of parents want to be able to mold their children very closely, but that's not who I am.

Boarding school gave me incredible independence, I went to school abroad which meant that I really was very separated from my family. When I finished school I never went "home" instead I travelled the world by myself and then moved to another country, by myself. It gave me a confidence that I knew who I was without other people to rely and although I love my family, I don't need them. For some people this is not what they want for their kids, but I would like to think that my children can do and be whoever they want to be when they are adults and can have the strength, independence and confidence to be whoever they are, even if I don't like it.
It also gave me friends for life and connections all over the world.

 

[Wren]

I don't think I could send my children to a boarding school. I'm too paranoid and would worry about them while they were away. And I would just like the joy of having them around me more than boarding school would allow.

I wonder how many people who are against boarding schools enjoy Harry Potter books and movies and wished they could have gone to Hogwarts. Hogwarts is clearly a boarding school. If it's a good school, I imagine it would be a very good experience for the child (though obviously not as good as Hogwarts ). But I'm just not emotionally able to let go of my child(ren) that much until they are adults going off to college.

 

[Niffer]

Honestly, I wish I would've gone to boarding school.
My parents were mostly uninvolved in my life all through grade school.
They both worked all day, so I saw them for maybe an hour or so in the evening - weekends were mostly spent in front of the tv.
I had two siblings, but no importance was ever put on having a relationship or friendship with either of them.

My childhood was very "singular". Most of my memories involve running around with the neighbourhood kids and not really to do with my parents.

I think had they put me in a boarding school I would've done better in school and had better relationships.
I wasn't a 'clingy' child (actually the exact opposite) and would've probably done well.

I actually found out later my Mother wanted to send to a boarding school that centered around the arts when she found out I was naturally talented in that area, but couldn't afford it at the time. Ah well.

Personally though, I don't think I'd send my kids to boarding school, but that's mostly because I'm planning on homeschooling myself.
I had absent parents though, and I don't really plan on going down that path.

Peace,
~ Niffer

 

[akmom]

Good for you, Niffer. I'm kind of seeing that trend with our generation (meaning any parents who currently have young children) versus their parents. I feel like our generation spends more quality time with their kids, even if they work, and even in broken homes. Our parents' generation was more... distracted? I remember my house and my friends' houses always had a lot of TV on, and not a lot of conversation going on. Now it seems like less TV, more interaction. Sure we have our own distractions and vices (computers, Internet, texting) but I honestly think we are more engaged with our children when we use them. (Well I personally don't have the texting thing, but it seems like every parent I know who has a smart phone uses it to interact with their children too).

 

[Niffer]

Good for you, Niffer. I'm kind of seeing that trend with our generation (meaning any parents who currently have young children) versus their parents. I feel like our generation spends more quality time with their kids, even if they work, and even in broken homes. Our parents' generation was more... distracted? I remember my house and my friends' houses always had a lot of TV on, and not a lot of conversation going on. Now it seems like less TV, more interaction. Sure we have our own distractions and vices (computers, Internet, texting) but I honestly think we are more engaged with our children when we use them. (Well I personally don't have the texting thing, but it seems like every parent I know who has a smart phone uses it to interact with their children too).

Distracted is a good word.
They weren't bad parents, just not really active ones.
I was talking about this with my sister and realized how few 'memories' I had from childhood, which I thought was totally normal until I started asking others.
My husband was homeschooled and part of a 7 person family. He has enough stores from his childhood to fill a book!
I think because my life mostly involved just school, tv, sleep repeat. There wasn't much worth remembering!

Peace,
~ Niffer