Would you date a widow or widower?

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't know why I am thinking about this, but I wondered since I am on the other side of the post so to speak about this issue (since I myself am a widow) would any of you, or have any of you, dated a widow or widower? For me, since I am new to being a widow (never been one before) I feel it's different than dating someone that has an ex. Maybe better, maybe worse.
In my case, I loved my husband deeply and would never want to have to supress those feelings that I have for him, at the same time I would not want to be with someone that would be jealous of those feelings. Thoughts? Anyone?

 

[JohnDB]

It isn't any part of the consideration. I never have cared nor seen any reason to care.

Their deceased spouse is no different than an ex...except that the deceased spouse can't call and interfere any longer.

 

[pkrjr]

I beg to differ with you sir....a deceased spouse is much different than a former wife/husband. There is nearly always anamosity at the end of a marriage by divorce and when a marriage ends because of death there is a level caring and kindness that would hardly be found with a divorce. Plus the sense of loss is far greater. My guess is...you're simply inexperienced.
God bless you.

 

[philsbs]

Either way there could be issues, but what relationships don't? I've seen many happily remarried couples after the death of their spouse. Counseling would be good if things are going to get serious, but that would be a good idea before any marriage.

 

[JohnDB]

I have seen widows just as mad at a deceased spouse for dying on them as a divorced one...that sort of thing just means that they aren't ready for dating yet.

You can differ in opinion if you like...but I have reality and not supposition to rely upon.
I have found no difference between the two.

 

[Inkachu]

Absolutely I would, as long as they'd had time to mourn sufficiently, and I felt they were truly ready to date again.

 

[Stravinsk]

I am a widower who cared deeply for his wife, and yes I would date a widow. I understand your concern about still loving your husband. I still love my wife. I can't express it to her anymore, but the memories are still there, they can still bring back pain and emotion - I think that is natural. No one should ever ask you to forget a cherished loved one.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

It isn't any part of the consideration. I never have cared nor seen any reason to care.

Their deceased spouse is no different than an ex...except that the deceased spouse can't call and interfere any longer.

While true that a deceased spouse can't physically interfere any longer, but I loved my husband when he died, and I'm not mad at him for dying, and I still love him, but I might want to love another also.

I beg to differ with you sir....a deceased spouse is much different than a former wife/husband. There is nearly always anamosity at the end of a marriage by divorce and when a marriage ends because of death there is a level caring and kindness that would hardly be found with a divorce. Plus the sense of loss is far greater. My guess is...you're simply inexperienced.
God bless you.

I agree with you, which is why I started this thread. Basically I am in the catagory of one that loved my husband when he died and still love him, and don't want someone I might date to be jealous of him, nor do I want to squash my feelilngs for him.

I am a widower who cared deeply for his wife, and yes I would date a widow. I understand your concern about still loving your husband. I still love my wife. I can't express it to her anymore, but the memories are still there, they can still bring back pain and emotion - I think that is natural. No one should ever ask you to forget a cherished loved one.

I agree and I am so sorry you lost your wife. You are younger than I am and I think mine was too young. I think it would be easier for you (and me) to date a widow/widower cuz we would understand the others feelings for their spouse that passed. At least that's what I think. Have you dated and if so, did you experience any issues that would be helpful to me if shared?

 

[dayhiker]

I think there can be a very different dynamic in a relationship with a widow and a divorced person or even a single at our age.

I would date a woman in any off these situations. I've not dated a widow, but my best freind is right now. Things are going really well for them. As for being still in love with ones pervious spouce. I'd wish that we all could still have a love for them. We did marry them orginally because we had a love/desire to be with them. Mostly I think that love/desire is still there, but other negative events/experience bring most to think they should not love the past spouce. I think it would be much more healthy to remember those good things/love. The new significant other should be able live with that. The one problem I've heard of is when a person can only think of their ex and talks about them all the time. After all, the reason for dating is to develope a new relationship with new loving experiences.

That was more general then most of my posts. Hope it makes sense ... LOL
dayhiker

 

[FlatpickingJD]

I'm not sure how I'd answer this question Michelle. Until you posted it, I'd never really given it much thought. There is a widow I was interested in asking out, but never did and now she's with someone else. I didn't not ask her out because she's a widow, but because we barely knew each other . . .

I'd hate for you -or anyone for that matter- to think you have to suppress the feelings for your late husband in order to be with someone else. The fact of the matter is that, other protests to the contrary, it is hugely different from a divorce as has been pointed out by a couple thinking people here. How could it be the same?

I think that a guy who's interested in you will understand the situation and not be resentful or jealous. If he is, move on.

 

[Liz in the rain]

Yes, of course. I think that it would be easier to date and marry a widower (man) than a widow though.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yes, of course. I think that it would be easier to date and marry a widower (man) than a widow though.

Easier? Really? Just curious why you think this. Can you elaborate?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm not sure how I'd answer this question Michelle. Until you posted it, I'd never really given it much thought. There is a widow I was interested in asking out, but never did and now she's with someone else. I didn't not ask her out because she's a widow, but because we barely knew each other . . .

I'd hate for you -or anyone for that matter- to think you have to suppress the feelings for your late husband in order to be with someone else. The fact of the matter is that, other protests to the contrary, it is hugely different from a divorce as has been pointed out by a couple thinking people here. How could it be the same?

I think that a guy who's interested in you will understand the situation and not be resentful or jealous. If he is, move on.

Well I'm glad I provoked you to think about it .

 

[Liz in the rain]

I think that women would find a widower more endearing and appealing than men would find a widow to be.

Maybe as a woman I am just biased in my perspective though.

Easier? Really? Just curious why you think this. Can you elaborate?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think there can be a very different dynamic in a relationship with a widow and a divorced person or even a single at our age.

I would date a woman in any off these situations. I've not dated a widow, but my best freind is right now. Things are going really well for them. As for being still in love with ones pervious spouce. I'd wish that we all could still have a love for them. We did marry them orginally because we had a love/desire to be with them. Mostly I think that love/desire is still there, but other negative events/experience bring most to think they should not love the past spouce. I think it would be much more healthy to remember those good things/love. The new significant other should be able live with that. The one problem I've heard of is when a person can only think of their ex and talks about them all the time. After all, the reason for dating is to develope a new relationship with new loving experiences.

That was more general then most of my posts. Hope it makes sense ... LOL
dayhiker

As far as the problem of talking about them all the time, that wouldn't be me. I am respectful of the person I am with and nobody wants to hear about past ex's all the time. That being said, I just would not want to feel like I could never mention him or feel like I have to remove all presence that he ever existed, cuz I just wouldn't do that either. And I think you are right about the love/desire thing. I personally think there is a fine line between love and hate, and that is why we have divorce. Sometimes I think for me, it would be easier to date a widower myself, because I would feel like they could understand me better.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think that women would find a widower more endearing and appealing than men would find a widow to be.

Maybe as a woman I am just biased in my perspective though.

Wow really? That sounds discouraging to me, since I am a woman. So you think men would find me unappealing BECAUSE I am a widow, or that would be an unappealing charactistic?

 

[JohnDB]

OK..the deal is that when I fall in love with a woman...she often has past guys in her life.

Some of them I actually would befriend under different circumstances.

Sure...a widow might still love her husband that is now deceased...but if I knew him I might would have made him a fishin buddy.

Great minds think alike and birds of a feather flock together.

so long as everyone is on the same page...all is good.

 

[legaleagle1213]

I would be hesitant to date a widower. When I get matches from a certain dating site and they say something like, "I've been a widower for a year now. I had the best relationship ever with my deceased wife for 25 years. She was perfect. I miss her so much. I believe lightening can strike twice."

That tells me he hasn't really grieved yet if he's out there only a year later. He idealized his dead wife and he will probably be spending a lot of time comparing me to her, AND using me to help him grieve the loss. It's not my job to help him grieve.

Next!

 

[dayhiker]

Yes, legal ... I'd say that guy hasn't finished greiving yet and hasn't thought about the feelings of who he will be dating yet either. What woman wants to be thought of in terms of a deceaced wife! But he's not thinking that way. He things he's saying something good about women. He's got a lot to learn.

dayhiker

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I would be hesitant to date a widower. When I get matches from a certain dating site and they say something like, "I've been a widower for a year now. I had the best relationship ever with my deceased wife for 25 years. She was perfect. I miss her so much. I believe lightening can strike twice."

That tells me he hasn't really grieved yet if he's out there only a year later. He idealized his dead wife and he will probably be spending a lot of time comparing me to her, AND using me to help him grieve the loss. It's not my job to help him grieve.

Next!

It seems to me JMO that guys take less time to grieve than women. Not all, but alot anyway. I've known quite a few that remarried successfully fairly quickly within a few years. But what if he had said he had been a widower for 5 years? would that have made any difference?
And even though it's the opposite for me since I am a woman, and a widow, what you are stating as how you feel is exactly why I wanted to ask this question. And if I weren't a widow, and was considering dating one, ( I guess because I have been there) I would find it endearing that he loves his dead wife. It's not like we chose or planned for them to die. It's not like we had a choice if we wanted to be a widow or widower or not. But it doesn't surprise me as people are so judgemental these days.
I'll just add that to my list of why I don't get dates lol.