Would really value feedback on an unconventional proposal

[heavensuitcase]

Greetings all,

Grab a chair - I have a story to tell...

After having been married to my wife for 12 years, she's decided she's not in love with me anymore... so she wants to separate, and ultimately divorce. I did everything I could to try to re-kickstart the marriage, but she's not interested.

I became interested in spiritual growth in 2005 and have become kinder, more compassionate, more equanimous etc... but my atheist wife seems more interested in superficial things than morality and personal development, which to her seem a bore and a drag.

So that now leaves me as a 34 year old with the option to follow my life's "Plan B"... and that is to become a Buddhist monk. I could go into my reasons, but they're not really the point... let's just say that if a man left regular life to join the Church as a clegyman, minister etc. he would have deep and profound spiritual reasons for doing so. Likewise, so do I.

(So why is he asking these questions on Christian forum? I'll get to that bit soon... )

The one sticking point to all this, is that there's someone that needs me - my son - he is 8. Becoming a Buddhist monk, I would still be accessible to him, and could play a strong mentoring role in his life, but obviously there would be constraints.

I was explaining about my marriage break up to a Christian friend of mine. She's a single mother who has absolutely turned her life around for the positive through living a life in accord with Jesus and the Bible. Her minister has done wonders for her, and she too ought be praised for following a spiritual path to self improvement.

She too has someone who needs her - her daughter. She is 8. She goes to the same school as my son. I told her my plans to enter the holy life as a Buddhist monk and (after getting her head around it) her reaction was "Good for you!" - she thought it was excellent that I was pursuing my faith further, and she too said that were it not for her daughter, she would be able to give herself first and foremost to Jesus. She looks forward to the day her daughter is a grown up and this is what she could do.

Over the last few days, all the random pieces of the puzzle in my head have started to take shape - an interesting shape... and I wanted to get some second opinions from you.

This woman and I both have one 8 year old children each, and these children are our #1 priorities for the next 10 years. After that, we both want to commit ourselves more fully to our respective faiths, once that responsibility of parenting to adulthood has been fully discharged. How then, would it be regarded for me to propose that her and I establish a "co-parenting household" together? One in which we can work together to raise our respective children together (albeit my son only there half the time or so) in a kind, caring, household, focused on moral and spiritual values. Exactly what the relationship between the woman and myself would be, I don't know, but it would only be a temporary arrangement of 10 years maximum, at which point we could go our separate ways.

I want to speak to her on Saturday about this proposal because time is tight... I've already 'verbally' resigned from work, and am otherwise about to commence the road to ordination as a Buddhist monk. It seems a serendipitous possibility, completely out of leftfield - so... what do you make of it? A house of love, or an abomination and an affront to God? Please share your thoughts.

With kindness,
HS.

 

[Amber.ly]

I think if God has given you a child then he has called you to be a father, not a monk.

And quite frankly, you shouldn't do this to your kid. He will now be dealing with his parents divorce, a second mom and a Dad who left him. How exactly is that teaching him "moral and spiritual values"?

There are also the issues of a Christian woman marrying a Buddhist monk.

 

[heavensuitcase]

Greetings Amber-ly,

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

I think if God has given you a child then he has called you to be a father, not a monk.

Calling or not, I do feel very strongly for it, yes.

And quite frankly, you shouldn't do this to your kid. He will now be dealing with his parents divorce, a second mom and a Dad who left him. How exactly is that teaching him "moral and spiritual values"?

Well, the "parents divorce" and "Dad who left him" (in terms of leaving the house)... these two are inevitable and they are choices that are not mine. I won't go into detail (as it's not really on-topic) but I went tooth and nail to save the marriage, and those 2 things are going to be the case regardless, and it pains me so. If it didn't pain me so, I would not even be thinking of this idea. If I could remain married and live together as a "nuclear" family, I assure you I would... but my 'wife' just won't have it. What I'm talking about is an attempt to minimise the carnage - not bring it on. May you never encounter a husband who insists on divorcing you - I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, let alone anyone with a child they love.

To put this in perspective, the monastery is 50km away on the other side of town. This woman's house is a 5 minute drive away. I would see him half the time, instead of very rarely (i.e. when my wife could be bothered co-ordinating it). There is no option to be there 100% of the time.

There are also the issues of a Christian woman marrying a Buddhist monk.

Well, I wouldn't be a monk whilst living there and I don't foresee there'd be marriage, since I believe marriage should be forever - and it won't be. Buddhist monks are celibate renunciates, and therefore wouldn't marry. As I said, I have no idea how that relationship would be - it could well be entirely celibate, like housemates or somesuch. I'm not going in with a fixed idea on that.

So I take it that's a "no" from you. OK, thanks, that's cool. I did ask for feedback, so thank you.

Anyone else have any views? It would be useful to have a range of views that might be encountered from within her community.

With kindness,
HS.

 

[The Alley Cat]

Count this another, huge NO. You don't seem open to discussing it from both sides of the issue (your response to Amber was totally defending your standpoint), so I'm not going to get into the why's of my answer. Just that it's NO NO and NO.

 

[Puptart]

I think the situation you describe can best be called "roommates". THEORETICALLY (and I'll get to that) I don't see a problem with it... But my "I have no issues" standpoint ends if you start sleeping together, which I don't think is a positive, stable environment for either of your children. You said you want to teach them good moral values, and as such you'd be best to show them that two people of the opposite sex can live together, be friends, and not end up in the sack. As a result I would suggest NOT doing this if you can't definitively call this situation a "friendship roommate" situation, and right now you keep saying "you're not sure" what your relationship to her would be.. that's not OK.

But that's in the "ideal" world, the theoretical one. In the not-so-ideal world, who knows what will happen.. this woman might end up finding a man and could she ever bring him to "her" home, seeing that she has a roommate to consider? What happens when she finds someone and moves on? How will that impact your son, having had someone there for him for so long only to end up leaving the household to live her own life?

My answer to "is this a good idea" is just No. It's not a good idea if for no other reason than your children. You think you'd be providing for them a stable environment, but instead you'd be giving them one of perpetual instability just based on "I don't know what might happen tomorrow". A marital environment is the most stable place to raise a child.

You aren't 18 any more. Roomate situations don't work nearly as well in the adult world, but throw kids into the mix? I just think it's a recipe for disaster.

You procreated. That means that kid is your #1 priority. My advice would be to put aside your thoughts of becoming any sort of Monk and just raise your son, in conjunction with your ex-wife. It's fine to date someone new in the future and with caution and a proper amount of time-passed say "We're going to introduce this woman into our family permanently," but it's not OK to get yourself into a situation where you just don't know what the future holds. No offense, but you're too old to act like a teenager and live life by the seat of your pants. You have a child and you need to plan.

And what about your ex-wife, while we're at it, which is a whole other kettle of fish.. I can't even imagine how I would react if I knew my ex-husband was taking my child into a situation like that ("co-parenting household" or whatever you want to call it). I'd prepare for a potential custody trial if she doesn't like the idea, and really who could blame her.

 

[Rhye]

Blind post. I apologize if you have repeated anything or someone has mentioned the same things. I don't believe this would be a stable environment for your child. I think going through a divorce is a huge experience in life and I am sure extremely hard for both your son and yourself. I don't mean to sound judgmental but I feel wanting to be a Monk later on and wanting to live with her)is a way accepting the fact that you want to do something completely selfish. I say this is selfish because you haven't even gotten a divorce and now want to live with another woman. I understand when you said your wife does not want to work things out and you have tried your best, but can you at least give it some time before you do something you will regret?

If your child is so important, put him first, now.

 

[blackribbon]

From another side, this is not a fair relationship to each other. As the hurts from the divorces recede, either one of you might actually find that you are interested in entering into a healthy relationship with someone new but neither of you will be available...and if you were to break up, it would cause more loss for both of your kids. Something not healthy regardless of their ages...(losing people who are important to you doesn't hurt less at age 18 than it does at 8).

And what happens if one person actually develops feelings of love toward the other...but it isn't shared.

I think this is a very bad idea. It only sounds practical on paper. I don't think it would last for 10 years...and then you would be back where you are today...only with two kids who have more hurt and loss. Just my opinion...but you asked.

 

[ulu]

Really sorry to hear of your wife's craziness. That must be very painful.
The monk scam sounds kind of crazed to me, but what do I know. I would take some time to heal from your wife's bailing before you make any great changes.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I don't think the cohabitated living situation or becoming a monk will be helpful or beneficial for your son.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

My feedback is: terrible idea.

 

[Radagast]

It seems a serendipitous possibility, completely out of leftfield

Christian advice to her would be: don't do it, for reasons described above.

Buddhist advice to you would be: don't do it. It's not consistent with being a Buddhist monk.