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Working on Story Development

godismystrength1

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Apr 6, 2011
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I've been wanting to write something for awhile, but I guess the main theme of my story/novella would be about politics, faith, conformity, and poverty growing up in the United States during these times. I think I would like to write something to do with war, but lately I find myself completely distanced/confused on the subject of war or finding terrorists...but maybe I'll do some brainstorming on here. It helps to have a place where I can have thoughtful/intuitive feedback.


It's All About Desire

She bit her lip again. He hated to admit that it was turning him on in an odd sort of way. He had wondered how she would react if he grabbed her and kissed her right then and there. Then she started swinging her legs gracefully... they were sitting on the dock, gazing out into the Atlantic Ocean. It was a romantic sort of night, the stars glimmered for eons across the darkness, blazing...her eyes were blazing..suddenly his thoughts were elsewhere. Suddenly he was traveling somewhere back in time. Desire was gazing at his lost in thought expression.. like strange embers...she wondered if she could bring him back to reality or if he would remain lost forever in that time...

"Where are you going?" Desire spoke into those orbiting enigmas. He caught himself, and began to laugh..."I was just thinking of that time when we were kids. Do you remember being a kid?" He reached his arm over her waist...and squeezed..."I was a very happy child..." Desire smiled as Zach cradled her to his chest, she began to cry.."So many happy times." If only you knew...

She was running, running with her hair flying out behind her like a wild animal. Her sandals slapped the wet sand. "Someday I'll be an actress, and I can pretend I'm just like them..." She was only eighteen, and she wanted more than anything to be in control. And she was tired of being told that her beliefs were bad for her. She knew she had a lot inside of her, like a tiger waiting to break free.
 

BleedingHeart

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Good prose in my opinion, but I think some of the metaphors need work.
"like a tiger waiting to break free". Break free of what? A cage? A zoo? A hunter's trap? Be sure to let the reader know.
Oh and get rid of the "had" in the phrase "he had wondered". Because it's in the same tense, you don't need it.
 
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