Words Of Comfort

[1watchman]

THOUGHTS EXPRESSED OVER GRIEF AND LOSS OF A LOVED ONE ​

[Some ministry to a new believer with little understanding of the Word of God who needed to find peace.]​

Dear_________:

For some time I have thought about writing to you, but hesitated as I felt inadequate to say anything. That is often what happens with people in times of sorrow, but truly our thoughts and prayers are for you.

There are some things one might say in a natural sense, but what we need most of all at a time like this is to consider the love and mind of God. He has given us His precious Word for that, and therein are the eternal issues.

At such a time one feels many things all at once, but God says: "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psa.46:10). He is our Creator and He loves us, and He does all things well and according to His purposes. He never makes a mistake. There is "...a time to be born and a time to die" (Eccl.3:1-2). Job said of his many troubles and loss: "the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord" (Job 1:21). God knows and understands our needs and our sorrow, and He cares, but His perfect plan must unfold.

Thank God the grieving will pass. Time will heal the broken heart, though one will always feel the loss. One might say: "It would not have happened if...", but all things are according to God's plan. He is never early or late. We need to see God in everything and say: "Thy will be done" (Matt.26: 42), as did the blessed Lord Jesus, when He suffered and died on the cross for our sins.

We need to know God's love and peace (see Phil.4:7; Prov.23:26). He will keep one in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him (Isa.26:3). How is that? Well, as we begin to see and think God's thoughts He makes us to "lie down in green pastures" (Psa.23; Phil.4:9). The way is open through His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ (Rom.5:1-2). God says: "But now in Christ Jesus ye who once were afar off are made nigh by the blood of Christ" (Eph.2:13). If one's hope and trust and fellowship is in Him, therein one will find peace. It is peace in the Redeemer, not in His teachings or example, etc.

Read God's Word and rest on His "exceeding great and precious promises", dear one, and be assured of His love (see John 3 and John 14 –precious thoughts). God says: “the time is short”, so trust in Jesus while we have time. One day we will understand the mysteries more fully. Look up always! - [RLD, 01/06]

 

[blackribbon]

I'm not sure that I would have ever found comfort in this letter. I believe that is was really God's will that my children have a dad for their entire childhood...but original sin is really the reason they don't. However nothing happened outside of His will, and He both cares for us and will take care of us. Also, I don't believe that the grieving will ever pass...it just changes and doesn't always overwhelm our lives. And "time
does not heal a broken heart...only God does that...and it is never really "healed", but gently held together by His loving hands. When my husband died, I didn't have the energy to read anything...even the Bible. I couldn't focus long enough to even watch a little tv. The wonderful thing about God is that He doesn't expect us to reach up or even look up when we are just figuring out how to do simple things like breath and survive the very moment we are standing in. He just asks us to trust that He loves us and lean on Him.

I'm sorry if I seem negative but even with 3 years under my belt, this is hard to read. It is full of platitudes that seem to minimize the extent of our loss and our pain. There is also a "time to grieve"...and God gave us tears for a reason. We need to hear that is okay to cry and be sad and miss them. That doesn't take one iota away from the fact that God is loving, in control, and will take care of us.

 

[bugsvc42]

Blackribbon I cannot agree more. I’m am sure that 1watchman means very well and posted that in love , but grief is not understood well by many.

Greif is not a state of mind. It is the God prescribed method IMO to heal. It’s not something you want to stop or “renew your mind against” and it’s the time the church should be weeping with those who weep. Jesus wept over Lazereth and he knew he was about to raise him from the dead. Can you imagine walking up to Jesus and “gently reminding him” that he can cheer up? Greif is not depression, it’s a whole body soul and spirit response and trying to repress it is dangerous and wrong.

Much of the church seems far removed from the real life of the bible, I’m afraid it has to do with advertizing, it’s a culture we have picked up that’s scary.

I am 6 mos out from losing my wife to cancer with 2 teenagers to raise. When the grief waves come that rip your guts out there is little if anything that will comfort. Something’s do in time, my great anger at God if finally coming around. Mostly when I remember what weight and pain he carried, a man acquainted with grief and sorrows.

After the cancer and the death … I have found little help from the church, it just seems no longer prepared for the Job. Meals yes, spiritual or emotional, not even close...I’m afraid when we see that we have to step up and fill the gaps. Whenever I stop feeling like roadkill and my brain starts to function again I just might do that LOL…..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think everyone grieves differently so some might read it and it still hurts too bad to see any joy in it, while others can be comforted by it. I have just passed 7 years since losing my husband. I believe that everyone has an appointed time because all throughout the Bible it speaks about appointed times. My mom used to say "when it's your time, it's your time and it doesn't matter if you're walking the dog or sleeping in bed, it's your time".
My husband was the one that spoke to others about Christ. He was an excellent father and taught my boys many many things. I sure would think God would want my boys to grow up having a father too, but it turns out that wasn't God's plan. He had cancer. I hate cancer.
At first I was confused because we prayed in faith that he would be healed. Almost thought he was at one point (he died a few days later). But then I realized he IS healed! Just not on this earth like I wanted. He is in a FAR better place and I can either be bitter toward God and ruin my life and my kid's lives or....I can continue on in Christ until my time comes. I was encouraged by the OP so it's all about perspective I guess.

I also think it's too bad the church isn't better prepared for this because it is a fact that 100 percent of us will die at some point. I had help for a little while with meals and calls, but then they just kind of expect you to get on with your life, but until you go thru it, you don't know, it's just not that easy or cut and dried. We have a grief support group at our church but I've never been or participated. Never felt called to do that.

 

[blackribbon]

I think the platitudes often can drive away people from Christianity. Hearing that "it is God's will" sounds like you are saying that God doesn't care about you if he allows you and your children to go through so much pain...or that he allowed your spouse to die in the lousy circumstances that those who die young, die of. This one ranks right up there with "you are young, you will marry again" as being some of the worst words of comfort available. (I have a friend whose response is that her husband wasn't a goldfish that she flushed and will forget).

I am a naturally optomistic person. I was the one comforting everyone else when I should have been allowed to be weak and cry. I can put on the mask like a champion because if you cry at church, everyone comes up with some solution to "fix" it that never includes tangible help ("hey, why don't your kids come home with me this afternoon so you can have a few minutes to yourself"). Instead, I'm told to join some Bible study group (like I have any that resembles "free time") or it is suggested that I put Bible verses all over my mirror. (I don't see the toothbrush splatters anymore...I certainly won't see the verses either...until the toothpaste splatters starts to mold now that there is paper involved.)

I am sure that the letter of comfort was intended to be a comfort...but I looked at it and just said "too many words"...way too many words.

"I'm so sorry that you have to hurt so much. God cares and is waiting for you to lean on him. And I'm here to lean on too. I'll check back with you in two days to see if there is anything I can do."

THAT is "words of comfort" to a new widow or widower.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well I would never say it was in God's plan to someone or have I have thought that really to myself. It's sometimes like God can take a terrible situation and turn it around . What satan means for evil God can turn to good. Do we EVER forget our loved ones? NO! Should we? NO!
God DOES care about us especially when we are hurting. But will that bring my husband back? NO! I take comfort in the fact that I am a believer in Christ, and as such, I KNOW that I will see my husband again. And for now.....He is not hurting anymore or suffering and I am thankful for that. That's how much I love HIM. I wouldn't want him here if it meant that he would be continuing to suffer as he did. But that's just me. I don't think anyone really knows what to say to people that suffer loss. Because there is nothing you can say to make it better or "fix" it. And I really got tired of people saying "oh I'm so sorry". I was sorry too, but it didn't make it better. But I realize that there isn't anything to say really. I think believer's have it better because we at least have a hope to see them again in eternity. I really don't know how unbeliever's deal with anything but especially death.
To me, what I have learned is if I find someone in that situation, not to ask if they need anything, because they won't really tell you what they need and they might not even know what they need, but just to do...Just present what you want to help them with, like say if it's cleaning their house, and ask them what day would be good for them. If they don't want the help, they can tell you that and you can offer something else, or ask what would be helpful to them if not the housecleaning at that point. Invite them out. They may not want to go at first but when they do, be there for them if you can. Call them to tell them you were just thinking about them, it means alot. That's just what I got from going thru the experience.
For me, my church was there for me but then after a couple of months when I thought they had all just moved on, I was so touched by what they did. The women's ministry had gotten together and put together a gift basket. In it were gift cards to different places and also practical things like disposable razors and candles and lotion. It made me feel SO loved and not forgotten. I will never forget that. And the fact that it didn't happen right after he died but a couple of months later made it all the more special.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I remember years' back when I was recently widowed, and was complaining to my pastor in the foyer of the church prior to the commencement of Sunday service, about people not ministering to me. His response was one I'll never forget. He replied, "You want to be ministered to as a widow? Then go minister to widows! That's what it's all about!" He proceeded to make a hand motion toward an elderly widow standing alone in the foyer, and then turned and just looked at me. He was our interim pastor at that time, and he and his wife had a ministry of stepping in and assisting with ailing churches. What an amazing man of God he was.

Yet at the same time, and while this post has great merit, I agree that grieving is an imperative aspect to the healing process of losing a spouse. Jesus said,

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Also in Ecclesiastes,

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; " Ecclesiastes 3:4

I'm happy to have found this portion of CF, that relates to widows/widowers. The Bible mentions often that widows are to be looked after. And I know way better than to add to the Word; yet according to verses such as those I've included, it's clear that He'll look after widowers also.

We can help each other. I'm grateful for the God of all comfort, and hope I may comfort the way I've been comforted of God. Blessings!

 

[blackribbon]

I'm not sure what you are saying...

To me, it sounds like the equivalent of "if you are sick, go care for sick people?"

I do minister to widows...many...and that has been very beneficial and healing for me...however, I am getting so completely empty. I don't think God charged widows with caring for themselves or even each other.

I don't ask for help anymore. Why bother? I'll just get some advice and a bunch of Bible verses that don't mean anything to me. (Good verses...but they are almost always the same verses).

Just last week, my teen son was asked to participate in a church fundraiser and project because Christians are supposed to "help the widows and the fatherless". It just didn't click with anyone that HE and we ARE "the widowed and the fatherless." Widows are old ladies who wear black not Cub Scout uniforms. Fatherless are dirty children who walk around with sad faces. This is a good church and good people. We just look like we are doing "too good". I am just one more "single" mom to group with the divorced ladies.

I sound bitter...but I'm not...just sad....lonely...and very tired. I honestly don't think that we should have to get to the point where we should have to ask for help. Do you know how refreshing it would be if someone would just hand me a form for something like a church youth retreat and say the cost has been covered instead of me having humble myself and admit I can't afford one more activity for the kids? This life is humbling enough.

 

[blackribbon]

In the OP's letter of comfort, Psalms 23:26 is offered as a verse about God's love and peace:

"My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways, "

Almost sounds great (though not sure that "delight" is a good word for those mourning)...until you notice the comma and go to verse 27 to complete the thought which reads:

"for an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well."

Oh great...now my mourning is has something to do with adultery...and my widow-brain is only confused more...how is this suppose to offer comfort or am I just doing something wrong?

(If you can't tell, I have a really hard time for verses taken out of context.)

 

[blackribbon]

We need to see God in everything and say: "Thy will be done" (Matt.26: 42), as did the blessed Lord Jesus, when He suffered and died on the cross for our sins. quoted from OP

This is another verse I have an issue with....it advices us to just peacefully accept this...but even Jesus asked that "this cup be taken away" even while accepting God's will.

(Please note, I do understand that the original letter was really offered up as a letter of comfort and the author had honorable intentions....however, I believe that anyone who reads this forum needs to understand that our pain is so much deeper than a few pretty words...it is to the gut raw kind of pain. And I also believe that the other widows and widowers need to know that they aren't alone when these words feel so hollow in the depths of their pain. Being Christian doesn't mean that we are immune from pain and need to wear a fake smile to prove that we trust Him. )

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I really don't see how telling a widow to go minister to other widows would make someone feel great. I might have gotten really angry or broke down and cried. The widow's family is supposed to care for her according to the bible, but if she has none the church is supposed to step up and of course ultimately God watches over us for sure.
I just think the church does a really lousy job at alot of things like widows for example. I have no idea HOW my church even knows WHO are their widows. I know we have some group that meets but what if the widow doesn't feel like going to a group. This has been on my heart lately, so I intend to find out more and help if I can.
IMO I don't get asked anymore, but when I first became a widow, people were always telling me "let me know if you need anything" but I don't think they really meant it. I NEEDED a mentor for my boys. Not one male in the church or youth group offered to help. Oh sure the Pastor came once and took them out for pizza. He also has 3 kids of his own and being a Pastor not alot of time on his hands. So my thing is that you are right blackribbon, people should just DO not ask what can they do. It's uncomfortable for me to be needy. I am, but I like being on the other end much better.
Our church also does Dave Ramsey's program for finances. That's great for some, but my opinion is we raise all kinds of money for "causes" for the church, how about using that money to help every member get out of debt. How great of a testimony THAT would be IMO. Some people need a hand up not just 50 ways to get out of debt. There are many other ways the church fails but those two are close to my heart.

 

[blackribbon]

I really don't see how telling a widow to go minister to other widows would make someone feel great. I might have gotten really angry or broke down and cried.

Thank you Michelle. If anyone had told me that ... even now at 3 years ... I would definitely breakdown and cry. It takes a lot for me to ask for help ... so if I'm asking, I'm really saying "I'm so close to giving up and falling apart it isn't funny".