Wives - help please

[nowhereville]

I am in IC to deal with childhood abuse issues/patterns of behavior. I am one of those, "wow that's so bad, I don't think I can help you" kind of clients. I have been told that repeatedly - but now have a good counselor and God is indeed being very good to me.

I already know (or have come to realize) how controlling, abusive and manipulative my spouse is. this makes me feel very alone because it is just me standing up to him alone at home. He does not act this way in public.

Really? I just want to scream.

However, I know nothing can be done about this now as I do not have the inner "stuff" to resist him should I leave him. He will just wear me down like he always does and I would give in so it would be pointless (and rather financially suicidal) to leave at this time.

I mentioned in counseling that I know God is for marriage, but that does not mean that God is for EVERY marriage (a huge difference if you think about it) and my IC did not say much about that. They didn't tell me I was wrong or anything.

I SO long to be free.

If God told me to stay I would, but he has not yet said that.

How did YOU do this?

I feel like I can not even breath in my own house.

 

[kanga22]

Hello sister. I can't write much, as I need to get to sleep (early and long few days ahead of me). But, I felt that you needed a reply to this post.

Pray, read, and listen. Be aware of God's help in your life. Ask God for strength and notice when He provides you with courage - every little step. Ask God for guidance and help, then when the phone rings say, "yes, I would appreciate that" to the person who offers you help. That is God putting help in your path.

Like I said, I have very little time tonight, and I will be out of town and will not have access to a computer. But, I will pray for you and hopefully when I check back here at the end of the week you will have posted a "Praise God" report on this.

May God's grace be with you and may you notice that He is there.

In Him,
Kanga

 

[SearcherKris]

Dear sister,

If you are being abused God is not for that at all!

You are precious to Him. He's got your welbeing at heart. He also has your husband's welbeing at heart, and his controling and abuse of you is not what is good for him. It's sin, and it shows the dysfunction and misery of his own heart.

Read Boundries in Marriage. It is written by Christian psychologists, Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud.

God wants you to be safe in every way, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Separation is always an option. Get away to get safe if you have to.

Ask for help in confronting your husband. Do you attend church? Ask them for help. Mot people who abuse and control do it discretely so people usually don't knowthat they are doing it to their loved ones. Some people are shocked that my Ex and I divorced because he was so friendly to everyone. People just believed he was a great guy. They did not hear all his ranting or hurtful things that he said. They did not see him "discipline" me or slap our son in the face. The did not know that he had a fit over me taking our son to the Dr. when he was very sick.

Just because other people don't know what's going on, does not make it untrue.

Have you asked your counselor resources in getting help for your marriage or for getting away if you need to?

Pray, pray, pray...be willing to do whatever God leads you to do.

 

[Mayzoo]

Not in your exact situation, but my counselor told me I was in the top three of her worst situation of childhood abuse--not just physical. So I wanted to let you know you are not alone in that realization. I was like---"Wow, really? Wow............"

 

[dayknee]

I still endure this often. My estranged husband of a year and a half has not changed. He still gets so angry and trys to browbeat me into allowing him to come back home. Ive been in counseling for the last year and a half as well. An amazing christian women, my counselor is. She has shown me where I need to stand up for myself and what is right. I tell her that I get so tired of his controlling behavior and his sublte emotional and verbal abuse. He will continue to do what he knows how to do unless he changes. which isn't likely. He controls me with numerous phone calls every single day about where I am and what Im doing. im the dumb one for taking the calls. I seem to always feel that if I dont take his calls he will get much more angry. And he does. but I've learned that it is his anger and not mine. It isnt healthy for a relationship to keep tabs on the other person. I am an adult and can go and do what I please. My estranged husband hates it. He thinks I should allow him to call me all the time and I must answer the phone or Im doing somehting wrong.
I ahve a long history , 18 years of marriage, with this person who has always been like this. I always thought I could change him. Turns out, God has changed and is still changing me. I almost feel like God said " oh dayknee, I am sick of seeing you being treated this way and Im going to shake up your life so you HAVE to lean on me and you HAVE to start to stand up for yourself and the abuse your husband is doing"
I dont know if that makes sense but I really think that God is working in me to be a stronger person.
I know how you feel and I know how hard it is to leave someoen especially becuase of the finanical. A friend told me that she felt the reason I have not filed for divorce yet, is becuase I am afraid to see the real person he is. Honeslty, if I file for divorce right now, I believe he will cut the kids and I off. or at least me. I believe he probably wont pay the mortgage or support us. And that is the reason I havent filed. I am truely afraid that once I do..God is going to show me what my estranged husbands true colors really are. <sighs> its painful
Ill be praying for you.

 

[nowhereville]

Thank you ALL.

I am very tired of everything at the moment, but soon I hope things (or at least me!) will be better.

Hooray tomorrow is sunday.

 

[ShainaBrina]

For me, when it got to the point that I feared for my safety and the safety of my children, I left and went to a shelter.

Is there a shelter in your area that offers victim devictimization courses? Often you need not be a resident to take the education classes. These classes are very helpful and teach how to see things clearly and help strengthen us to put limits on what we will accept. The goal is to help us get healthy, not to end marriages.

 

[nowhereville]

Is there a shelter in your area that offers victim devictimization courses?

I've never heard of these, I will definitely have to look into this! I think this would be very helpful.