I can't sleep because I'm so cross with my husband (who I'm separated from). I know I've posted before but I can't help wanting to get this off my chest!
When we were together he didn't want me to go to medical school and wanted me to have children and be a stay-at-home mum. But it soon became apparent that his low salary wasn't enough to support us and he seemed unable to get anything with higher pay. I really regretted giving up college and found myself at home with a baby, whom I loved, but who I struggled to look after (he had feeding problems) in a new area where I had no friends and no support and no money and a house with endless problems. My husband was out from six am to seven pm and when he came in he wanted to eat, watch tv and go to bed and have sex (needless to say I wasn't in the mood).
After much conflict we got into debt trying to do up the house and separated. However, it didn't end there. He moved miles away back to his mum's to get a job, leaving me totally isolated and on benefits. By this time I wasn't coping at all and had the first of several nervous breakdowns - disaster. By now he wasn't paying the mortgage - the government took on the interest, but he said that he could only come back to our area and help if he could stay at the house!
While this was going on I was not a Christian. I gave in because it seemed like my only option even though if the benefits people found it I would have been in lots of trouble.
Years later - we are still separated and having become a Christian and prayed it through I am to divorce him. He finally has a two-bed flat of his own - he has had money off me (from the sale of the house - it's a long story but he ended up with more than his share), he's had financial help from my dad, as well as holidays from my dad. He has lived in his flat now for five years but it remains a mess. He works in a low- paid job and skives off almost every day to come home and have a sleep at lunchtime till about three or four and then he goes back to work for the last hour or so (he's meant to be out driving so they don't realise).
When our son lived with me he got assessed by the benefits agency as not having to pay us anything because he arranged his mortgage payments so that they were extra-high while he got the assessment done.
The trouble is our son loves him greatly and because I got so severely ill (hospitalised) our son ended up living with him. After this happened I didn't want to uproot our son again so I gave a lot of benefits money I had to pay for things for our son and to improve the home there so that they weren't living so messily. (But when I look back I see that my husband spent whatever money he had on holidays, his car and his girlfriend).
Meanwhile I've moved several times and am awaiting a permanent home with a housing association. I'm totally broke and I'm battling with low self-esteem and a weight problem from being on such strong medication. I'm not as low as I was, but I can't believe that years on all the consequences and problems related to this relationship are still with me. Will I ever be free??
I now want my son to live with me but I know I'm vulnerable to stress and I already know that his dad will not help out financially. He has also let our son do pretty much what he wants in terms of watching what he wants on tv, staying up all night when he has sleepovers playing on the pc (our son is thirteen), and reading horrors or books with adult language. I guess I just don't know if I can face starting over again with my son, when I know that his dad will be round every five minutes undermining anything and everything I would like to do as a parent. But if I give up then I'll be letting my son down. No-one else in my family is Christian or lives nearby (actually I already have a problem with inappropriate behaviour with my dad - who's a bit of a 'boy-racer' in his attitudes). I wish I was a stronger person.
Well, rant over. If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be grateful. Actually I'd just be grateful to know that I'm not alone. I just wish so much I was in one of those nice Christian families that support each other in their faith and love each other (they do exist, don't they?)
When we were together he didn't want me to go to medical school and wanted me to have children and be a stay-at-home mum. But it soon became apparent that his low salary wasn't enough to support us and he seemed unable to get anything with higher pay. I really regretted giving up college and found myself at home with a baby, whom I loved, but who I struggled to look after (he had feeding problems) in a new area where I had no friends and no support and no money and a house with endless problems. My husband was out from six am to seven pm and when he came in he wanted to eat, watch tv and go to bed and have sex (needless to say I wasn't in the mood).
After much conflict we got into debt trying to do up the house and separated. However, it didn't end there. He moved miles away back to his mum's to get a job, leaving me totally isolated and on benefits. By this time I wasn't coping at all and had the first of several nervous breakdowns - disaster. By now he wasn't paying the mortgage - the government took on the interest, but he said that he could only come back to our area and help if he could stay at the house!
While this was going on I was not a Christian. I gave in because it seemed like my only option even though if the benefits people found it I would have been in lots of trouble.
Years later - we are still separated and having become a Christian and prayed it through I am to divorce him. He finally has a two-bed flat of his own - he has had money off me (from the sale of the house - it's a long story but he ended up with more than his share), he's had financial help from my dad, as well as holidays from my dad. He has lived in his flat now for five years but it remains a mess. He works in a low- paid job and skives off almost every day to come home and have a sleep at lunchtime till about three or four and then he goes back to work for the last hour or so (he's meant to be out driving so they don't realise).
When our son lived with me he got assessed by the benefits agency as not having to pay us anything because he arranged his mortgage payments so that they were extra-high while he got the assessment done.
The trouble is our son loves him greatly and because I got so severely ill (hospitalised) our son ended up living with him. After this happened I didn't want to uproot our son again so I gave a lot of benefits money I had to pay for things for our son and to improve the home there so that they weren't living so messily. (But when I look back I see that my husband spent whatever money he had on holidays, his car and his girlfriend).
Meanwhile I've moved several times and am awaiting a permanent home with a housing association. I'm totally broke and I'm battling with low self-esteem and a weight problem from being on such strong medication. I'm not as low as I was, but I can't believe that years on all the consequences and problems related to this relationship are still with me. Will I ever be free??
I now want my son to live with me but I know I'm vulnerable to stress and I already know that his dad will not help out financially. He has also let our son do pretty much what he wants in terms of watching what he wants on tv, staying up all night when he has sleepovers playing on the pc (our son is thirteen), and reading horrors or books with adult language. I guess I just don't know if I can face starting over again with my son, when I know that his dad will be round every five minutes undermining anything and everything I would like to do as a parent. But if I give up then I'll be letting my son down. No-one else in my family is Christian or lives nearby (actually I already have a problem with inappropriate behaviour with my dad - who's a bit of a 'boy-racer' in his attitudes). I wish I was a stronger person.
Well, rant over. If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd be grateful. Actually I'd just be grateful to know that I'm not alone. I just wish so much I was in one of those nice Christian families that support each other in their faith and love each other (they do exist, don't they?)
God is always with you, and He loves you. We're here on CF to listen. I've gotten a lot of encouragement and satisfaction from being able to vent here. 
