Wife Left

[APG38]

I am new here, but I have been asking for God's help and feel he led me here. I read some of the other posts and found that there was some very good advice given and my situation is much the same.

I came home from work a couple of weeks ago and my wife was just gone. She had left a note that was very confusing and didnt really address anything other than she felt God was leading her away. She has family in a different state and had moved here from there when we got married. At first I was in shock, all of my failures came into mind. I fell before God and asked for his forgiveness for anything I did to cause this. I also asked for answers and what had caused this.

Just a few days before this, I had found that she was sneaking money out of one of our accounts, when I asked her about this, she denied it and said she was just trying to save us some money. Then the next night when I wanted to pay for something we had bought from our Paypal account, she become upset and wanted me to pay by credit card. I was very suspicious and asked her if there was something she was needing money for I would give it to her. I then even asked her, are you planning on leaving me or something. She assured me that no she was not. So I realized there was nothing I could have done to have stopped her.

I then prayed and prayed to God. He guided me to the computer and through him, I was able to Grave dig the hard drive and pull up alot of conversations she was having that had been deleted. She had been talking to her Ex Boyfreind, a few other people and in particular a guy from another Christian message board who said he was a Pastor and had extensive back ground in counseling. I saw their posts where if I was sorry (I was lying) If I didnt want to talk about things (I didnt care) If I did want to talk about things and work on them (I was being controlling) If I questioned her (I was abusive). I know that I fell short in many areas and could have been a much better husband, but with that kind of advice what could I have done that wouldn't have been wrong?

When it was time for her to leave she was not allowed to tell me, because he told her I was passive aggressive and could harm her. (I had never harmed her, stood over her or threatened her in any way before) that she would need time to heal and to stay out of contact with me. If I didnt try to contact her I didnt care and she was better off. If I did try to contact her I would try to manipulate her and she should avoid that. That pretty much gives her a negative feeling no matter what I do.

I even saw in one of his replies to her that she was living with an insane man. I had never met or talked to him. I do not want to discount this man, as I know nothing about him other than what I saw in their messages.

She did contact me the other day, and when I asked her about this. She said " He is a very wise man and helped me alot, I have 100% faith in him".

I realize my hands are tied. I turn everything over to God. Right now he is the only one that can change any of this. She truly is a wonderful person and I would defend her to the end. I know she feels like she is following God. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Sounds like your wife got emotionally screwed up by a player. Track him down and fix things.

 

[madison1101]

Your wife needs professional counseling with a face to face licensed therapist. If she would be willing to participate in marital therapy, that would be helpful. Pray and seek the Lord concerning this matter.

It appears that she has not communicated any of her problems with you, but instead has talked to a total stranger online. Marital therapy will enable the two of you to dialogue with an objective third party.

God bless. I understand your pain and confusion. My husband left me almost six years ago now.

Trish

 

[APG38]

Thank you for the replies. I have tried to contact this Pastor she was talking to, its been a week and he hasnt responded. She told me that he was sometimes busy and didnt answer right away. I personally cant understand why you would effect a couples marriage in this way and then get around to it when you had time.

I know there are alot of you that have experience in dealing with this and seem to be very insightful and helpful. I realize that I wasnt as in tune with her feelings as I should have been, but I really did try. Like I said earlier, however I handled it, she perceived it as manipulation, not caring, anger, or lying.

In the immediate days before she left, she was very concerned about me being on a detail for work and possibly working with another woman (this detail only lasted one day). I assured it that it didnt matter, she was my one and only and I would never ever disregard our marriage in that way. I came home and she questioned me and I assured her she had nothing to worry about. I hugged her and kissed her and told her how gorgeous she was to me. We even laughed, kissed, and hugged the night before she left. The next morning when I left for work, she seemed completely fine. I hugged and kissed her goodbye. Told her I loved her out the car window and waved as I drove off. She did not show one ounce of emotion. I came home and she was gone. Is this normal?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you for the replies. I have tried to contact this Pastor she was talking to, its been a week and he hasnt responded. She told me that he was sometimes busy and didnt answer right away. I personally cant understand why you would effect a couples marriage in this way and then get around to it when you had time.

For all you know she was emailing Charles Manson or the local mailman. Stop being so trusting and tell your wife the same. If she was planning on leaving you and you picked up on those vibes its no wonder you got upset/"controlling". You would be foolish if you didn't act on such insight.

 

[Deborah6763]

Don't blame yourself. If you have described the situation accurately (and I have no reason to think otherwise) then you did nothing wrong or at least not to the extent to excuse her leaving in this manner. If you are in a committed relationship and there are problems, then you try to work them out in a biblical fashion.

Try to stay close to the Lord and seek your comfort there. this is truly difficult.

Blessings to you!

 

[APG38]

Thank you again for your insight. It truly helps me to know that people care. I have many questions and try to go slowly so as to not make this confusing.

Last night I talked to my wife and the subject came up of how hurt I was that she said so many awful things about me in messages to other people. She got very angry with me and yelled over the phone, that it was my fault and I shouldnt have been snooping around in the stuff she did while I was at work. I was even more hurt realizing she thought it was my fault for finding out and that I again did something bad. I asked her how God would feel about those things even though they were not intended for my eyes. She just dropped the subject without another word and went on to something else that I hadnt done in our marriage. I try to listen to her and I am truly remorseful for anything I did that hurt her in any way. Why cant she do the same for me?

Tomorrow is our anniversary and I had something very special planned weeks ago, I now know it isnt possible to follow through with it, so I thought you know what, I can still do something to let her know how much I care. She moved a long ways away, so I figured I could have something delivered to her with a poem or something I wrote attached. However she never gave me an address and pretty much wants it that way, so now I feel guilty that I cant do anything. I wont press her for it because I dont want her to feel uncomfortable. Should I feel guilty?

I also keep flashing back to right before she left and the days leading up to it. I see her the morning I left for work and she acted like nothing was wrong at all. We said the I will miss you and the I love you's and she showed absolutely no sign of emotion. Could a person really be following God with that type of attitude, knowing full well what they were intending to do? I just cant believe God could lead a person to do that to another. Any thoughts on any of this?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you again for your insight. It truly helps me to know that people care. I have many questions and try to go slowly so as to not make this confusing.

Last night I talked to my wife and the subject came up of how hurt I was that she said so many awful things about me in messages to other people. She got very angry with me and yelled over the phone, that it was my fault and I shouldnt have been snooping around in the stuff she did while I was at work. I was even more hurt realizing she thought it was my fault for finding out and that I again did something bad. I asked her how God would feel about those things even though they were not intended for my eyes. She just dropped the subject without another word and went on to something else that I hadnt done in our marriage. I try to listen to her and I am truly remorseful for anything I did that hurt her in any way. Why cant she do the same for me?

Tomorrow is our anniversary and I had something very special planned weeks ago, I now know it isnt possible to follow through with it, so I thought you know what, I can still do something to let her know how much I care. She moved a long ways away, so I figured I could have something delivered to her with a poem or something I wrote attached. However she never gave me an address and pretty much wants it that way, so now I feel guilty that I cant do anything. I wont press her for it because I dont want her to feel uncomfortable. Should I feel guilty?

I also keep flashing back to right before she left and the days leading up to it. I see her the morning I left for work and she acted like nothing was wrong at all. We said the I will miss you and the I love you's and she showed absolutely no sign of emotion. Could a person really be following God with that type of attitude, knowing full well what they were intending to do? I just cant believe God could lead a person to do that to another. Any thoughts on any of this?

Your wife left you without a sign of unhappiness. This happens sometimes. A friend of mine's wife gave him the best night of his life before leaving him forever the next day. Sometimes women do stuff like that. It is not helpful to dwell on the hurt she inflicted on you or the reason why people do irrational things to hurt people who love them. When you are done banging your head against the wall go ahead and read on...


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You should feel furious at being betrayed by someone close to you. When you start behaving appropriately instead of like Mr. Rogers your wife will respect you again. How many women do you know who think Mr. Rogers is hot? Make no mistake, she may not come back, but at that point you may not even want her back.

 

[APG38]

Your wife left you without a sign of unhappiness. This happens sometimes. A friend of mine's wife gave him the best night of his life before leaving him forever the next day. Sometimes women do stuff like that. It is not helpful to dwell on the hurt she inflicted on you or the reason why people do irrational things to hurt people who love them. When you are done banging your head against the wall go ahead and read on...


.


.

You should feel furious at being betrayed by someone close to you. When you start behaving appropriately instead of like Mr. Rogers your wife will respect you again. How many women do you know who think Mr. Rogers is hot? Make no mistake, she may not come back, but at that point you may not even want her back.

My wife definately does not think I am Mr Rogers or that I behave like him. She feels quite the contrary, that I have pushed her to all of this and that some how have made her afraid of me. I know sometimes that I didnt listen as well as I should have and at times argued my point too emphatically. I never once threatened her in any way and was truely remorseful if I saw she was hurting. I understand what you are saying though. I indeed dont want to be a Mr Rogers.

 

[GodsGrace87]

x

 

[InTheFlame]

About all I can recommend is - find yourself a qualified christian counsellor, make an appointment for yourself. Email your wife and let her know when and where, IF she wants to come.

I can only really see three possibilities here:
- She's been honest, and getting bad advice (whether deliberate or well-meaning, I wouldn't know)
- She's been very one-sided with her advice-seeking, and made things sound a lot worse than they are
- Things are worse than you think

*shrug* Maybe she'll see you as controlling if you make the appt and tell her about it. But whether she does or not, whether she comes or not, go yourself. Talk through things in detail with someone who's trained to listen and guide you wisely.

 

[Autumnleaf]

My wife definately does not think I am Mr Rogers or that I behave like him. She feels quite the contrary, that I have pushed her to all of this and that some how have made her afraid of me. I know sometimes that I didnt listen as well as I should have and at times argued my point too emphatically. I never once threatened her in any way and was truely remorseful if I saw she was hurting. I understand what you are saying though. I indeed dont want to be a Mr Rogers.

Then get upset with her about it and treat her like she has betrayed you which she has by being secretive and confiding in strangers. Make her come back to you. You pursuing her when she is wrong is just no good because its like if someone broke up with you in high school and you begged them to come back. It usually doesn't work. You have to move on and show her you have a life worth living without needing her because women seem to distance themselves from needy men.

Another thing. If you get mad at her it changes the dynamics of things. She goes from offensive to defensive and she has to prove she's right in leaving, which she can't do if you don't go wussy about it. Eventually she says sorry and comes home. Or she admits she left you for another guy. Either way you get a resolution while keeping your self-respect.

 

[GodsGrace87]

I am curious. Do any of you find it odd, maybe even hard to believe that a Christian wife would just walk out on her husband after less than a year of marriage with absolutely no sign of unhappiness or no attempt to talk with her husband about things?

Autumnleaf, I have respect that you are responding without the privelege of knowing the entire story but your replies especially trouble me.

I don't see where APG claimed that his wife had an affair and yet twice now you have alluded to the fact that she has left him for another man. I am curious to know what it is that causes you to make that assumption?

"make her come back to you?" "she is wrong" "get mad at her" "your wife left without a sign of unhappiness" "You should feel furious at being betrayed by someone close to you. When you start behaving appropriately instead of like Mr. Rogers your wife will respect you again."

These are all statements made by you and I wonder...how can you assume she is wrong? You don't even have from APG HIS version of what his wife felt was wrong in the marriage, let alone hers. Have you asked questions of APG to assess this?

Do you wonder if it is possible that you are giving advice to a man who has already raged fury at his wife? Is it possible that may be why she left and was afraid to tell him she was leaving? Did you ask these questions?

I am not going to play games here. I want you guys to know that I am APG38's wife. I stumbled across this post after he told me that he had posted to a Christian Forum where in his words, everyone supported him and told him I was wrong. I have made a seperate post with my story. I wonder if reading my post would cause any of you to give different advice than you have?

I hope and pray that this is a learning experience that we need to be very very careful and cautious about giving advice to others without doing our best to search for truth and gathering some facts before we speak. Prayer before giving advice is always the wise thing to do. Our advice should be Gods wisdom, not our own.

Autumnleaf, I truly don't mean to pick on you but do you realize that you gave advice for a man to rage on his wife who has been determined by 6 professionals to be emotionally, psychologically and spiritually abusive with potential for escalation to physical abuse due to the high amount of control and a past history of physical abuse in a previous marriage? 3 pastors and 3 lay counselors. Did you know that the local Center for Domestic Violence felt I was in so much danger that they gave me some money and a gas card, a cell phone and an atlas..and even came over and helped pack up my things to get me out? This should scare you and I hope it will help you to be more cautious with your words and judgements.

 

[BrBob]

I thought there was a connection here.

God bless you both. There can only be a huge amount of hurt involved here. May the Lord help you to sort it out.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

 

[APG38]

I am sorry for bringing any of you into this. I dont think its the proper way to deal with things. My initial post was to see if the things I felt were feelings I should be feeling. I very well know from previous posts and from reading my Wifes posts on another board that things can turn very one sided when you get one persons story.

There are always 2 sides to any story and they may differ immensely. I did not post on her different message board that she had used, because I did not even know she was seeking council there. I had made a statement once where I felt psychiatrists sometimes do more harm than good. She apparantly took that to mean I would not go to counceling with her. What she spoke was true and what I spoke was true. The opinions differed because, I will admit it, we did not communicate well. I take full blame for that and I will not continue to express my feelings to anyone but her or in her presence. After all, I think all of this could have been avoided if thats what we had did in the first place. He said she said can be a real problem. Now I think everyone knows what its like to not consider the other persons feelings. Now if I could just go back in time and stop all this madness before it got started I would. Anyone think we need a heart to heart?