Wife is distant

[SeventhFisherofMen]

My wife works with me but isn't around me at all at the actual job, and then when i come home she barely talks to me and then goes and works a second job. She claims she spends time with me at home but really all she does is attend to herself or her grandma or her mom. I feel like i'm going crazy with all the alone time i get and it's hard enough not having a vehicle and having to live with her whole family in the same house. This is toxic for me but i won't give up because i don't believe in divorce. I've talked to her multiple times about this and she says she is listening but then just keeps on doing the same thing: working one job and the coming home for 2 seconds and then working the second job and coming back at 12:00AM-5:00AM when i'm going to bed. Nothing more depressing than feeling like i'm single in a marriage and feeling ignored. I have to pray hard for things to get better. I pray for her to want to spend time with me and it works for a day and then just back to "normal" which is not normal.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Yes i have thought of doing nice things for my wife. Unfortunately i cannot afford a plane ticket right now. She sometimes comes home at 5:00 am and she sets her own schedule. She's told me she hides in her work. She makes enough at our first job. She is avoiding her personal life.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

if you don't have a vehicle, it seems like your wife does need to work 2 jobs

if you want more time with wife, she will have to go down to one job
have you asked her to quit second job?

I became a sahm & husband/kid don't want me to go back to work
so I'm all alone while he is at work & kid is at school
it seems like I barely see them, also! they come home & kid has SO much homework & husband started a work from home business so he disappears to his basement office

however, I joined 3 writing groups (kid attends one with me)
so I write & take care of our puppy

I can relate re being alone so much

you're making assumptions about my wife having to work solely on the fact that i choose to be green and ride a bike to my job. I'm not really getting much help from you. Our finances are separate she doesn't pay for anything that's mine.

 

[Petros2015]

Yes i have thought of doing nice things for my wife. Unfortunately i cannot afford a plane ticket right now.

Maybe attending a social dance together? A lot of the dance studios in my town will give a free lesson in something like foxtrot or waltz just before having a social dance. That + dinner somewhere could equal a nice date and she might appreciate that. A lot cheaper than a plane ticket. Pray for some inspiration here on how to resolve the situation and interest her in you and your life.

it's hard enough not having a vehicle and having to live with her whole family in the same house.

That would be hard. Do both the mom and grandma have health issues that need to be cared for?
Not having a vehicle probably also means when your wife is at work, you have no other option than to be alone with the whole family in the house? (or no further than bicycle range?)

i choose to be green and ride a bike to my job.

That's admirable! And healthy. But ultimately limiting for yourself and others. Plan to get a cheap used car this year and use it as little as possible to make your life as interesting as possible for yourself and others. Due to some sort of flaw in their design, most women seem to find it difficult to respect men with no cars, and easy to be distant from men they don't respect. I've written to the manufacturer about this, but haven't received a reply yet. Or a rebate

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Maybe attending a social dance together? A lot of the dance studios in my town will give a free lesson in something like foxtrot or waltz just before having a social dance. That + dinner somewhere could equal a nice date and she might appreciate that. A lot cheaper than a plane ticket. Pray for some inspiration here on how to resolve the situation and interest her in you and your life.


That would be hard. Do both the mom and grandma have health issues that need to be cared for?
Not having a vehicle probably also means when your wife is at work, you have no other option than to be alone with the whole family in the house? (or no further than bicycle range?)

That's admirable! And healthy. But ultimately limiting for yourself and others. Plan to get a cheap used car this year and use it as little as possible to make your life as interesting as possible for yourself and others.

thanks for your response ya i'm thinking of getting a car just been hesitant to get a car loan is all and will consider what you said about the dinner thing

 

[By_the_Book]

My wife works with me but isn't around me at all at the actual job, and then when i come home she barely talks to me and then goes and works a second job. She claims she spends time with me at home but really all she does is attend to herself or her grandma or her mom. I feel like i'm going crazy with all the alone time i get and it's hard enough not having a vehicle and having to live with her whole family in the same house. This is toxic for me but i won't give up because i don't believe in divorce. I've talked to her multiple times about this and she says she is listening but then just keeps on doing the same thing: working one job and the coming home for 2 seconds and then working the second job and coming back at 12:00AM-5:00AM when i'm going to bed. Nothing more depressing than feeling like i'm single in a marriage and feeling ignored. I have to pray hard for things to get better. I pray for her to want to spend time with me and it works for a day and then just back to "normal" which is not normal.

Does your wife have an option of not working two jobs? It sounds like she's probably exhausted and has her hands full just trying to do what she has to do. Where exactly is she supposed to get this time between two jobs, a home, and grandchildren to care for. I do believe that we need to make time for our spouses, I was married 37 years until my husband died this year, however there's only so much time in a day. The two of you need to decide what your priorities are and find a way to free up some of your wife's time.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Does your wife have an option of not working two jobs? It sounds like she's probably exhausted and has her hands full just trying to do what she has to do. Where exactly is she supposed to get this time between two jobs, a home, and grandchildren to care for. I do believe that we need to make time for our spouses, I was married 37 years until my husband died this year, however there's only so much time in a day. The two of you need to decide what your priorities are and find a way to free up some of your wife's time.

Yes she has the option to not work the second job she just likes to work and likes the extra money. We are in our early 30's with no kids and especially no grandkids.

 

[look4hope]

Hey there.
Living with relatives, unless you’re really on board with that, it will take a toll in your marriage. Specially if she’s working to help out her mum and grands.

It is a very honorable act from both of you, but without sugarcoating it, it can create friction.
If she is keeping the second job to minimize her time at home, with you, responsibilities at home, well that can speak for itself.

My suggestion is the moment you do have time with her, respectfully tell her this. What you feel, think and your concerns. Don’t wait longer. Be honest.

All the best,
L4H

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Hey there.
Living with relatives, unless you’re really on board with that, it will take a toll in your marriage. Specially if she’s working to help out her mum and grands.

It is a very honorable act from both of you, but without sugarcoating it, it can create friction.
If she is keeping the second job to minimize her time at home, with you, responsibilities at home, well that can speak for itself.

My suggestion is the moment you do have time with her, respectfully tell her this. What you feel, think and your concerns. Don’t wait longer. Be honest.

All the best,
L4H

thanks for the response