"Widowed But Not Wiped Out!"

chapel247 · May 11, 2007

Hi Everyone! My best friend and wife went to be with the Lord (1/1/07). All is well though. My daughters and I are doing quite well. Thank GOD for HIS word that tells us where are loved ones go.

chapel247 · May 11, 2007

The home-going service was absolutely beautiful! Many who did not know our savior had a change of heart! How are you guys doing ? Has anyone remarried and are willing to talk about it?

chapel247 · May 11, 2007

chapel247 said:
The home-going service was absolutely beautiful! Many who did not know our savior had a change of heart! How are you guys doing ? Has anyone remarried and are willing to talk about it?

How did you survive being a widow/er?

Missinyou · May 12, 2007

My wife passed away on June 4th of last year and I am now approaching the first anniversary. Have I found anyone else to be interested in....not yet... Close.. but extenuating circumstances makes it impossible. I have learned that you have to lean on God a lot, especially in the beginning, but it does become easier as time goes on. You learn to smile again and to laugh again, but the memories do keep coming back time and again..and you cry a little each time... As I have said many times and to many people, it seems the "finality issue" is the worst one to overcome. Your heart keeps wanting to make you think she's only away for awhile and will be coming home any day....but then the old mind kicks in and you get a sudden blast of reality..and you know that she's never ever coming home, no matter how long you live...and you cry some more... Keep yourself busy as much as possible and bring your daily thoughts in to the house with you and then it won't seem so empty all the time. Don't walk up the front door thinking that there is no one home...but walk up there thinking how great a day you had at work...or how beautiful a day God had given you...and each day you make it further in to the house before loneliness sets in. Did you say you had kids, and if so, how old are they? Take my word for it, between your kids and the Lord, you will make it through this. It just takes time.

God bless and may he give you comfort,
Missinyou

JeanR · May 12, 2007

It has been 7 months for and each day is a challenge. Some days I feel quite well, everything seems to be going well. Other days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do get overwhelmed quite easily.

As far as meeting someone? I hate being alone. I loved being married. But, I am in no rush. I would like to have someone to have dinner with, go to the movies with, that sort of thing. I am not ready for anything long term or permanent. Quite frankly, I can't even imagine being with anyone other than Terry.

chapel247 · May 14, 2007

Missinyou said:
My wife passed away on June 4th of last year and I am now approaching the first anniversary. Have I found anyone else to be interested in....not yet... Close.. but extenuating circumstances makes it impossible. I have learned that you have to lean on God a lot, especially in the beginning, but it does become easier as time goes on. You learn to smile again and to laugh again, but the memories do keep coming back time and again..and you cry a little each time... As I have said many times and to many people, it seems the "finality issue" is the worst one to overcome. Your heart keeps wanting to make you think she's only away for awhile and will be coming home any day....but then the old mind kicks in and you get a sudden blast of reality..and you know that she's never ever coming home, no matter how long you live...and you cry some more... Keep yourself busy as much as possible and bring your daily thoughts in to the house with you and then it won't seem so empty all the time. Don't walk up the front door thinking that there is no one home...but walk up there thinking how great a day you had at work...or how beautiful a day God had given you...and each day you make it further in to the house before loneliness sets in. Did you say you had kids, and if so, how old are they? Take my word for it, between your kids and the Lord, you will make it through this. It just takes time.

God bless and may he give you comfort,
Missinyou

What's up my brother? thank you so much for replying. I really do appreciate your testimony. It is a great help to others who are dealing with the same matter. Just so you know, I am not in any way upset about my wife's home-going. She was an awesomely wonderful person who loved the Lord with all her heart. The Lord used her life in a wonderful way to effect the lives of others. This is our purpose, to be used of GOD. Now that she has gone on, I believe according to GOD'S word, that her absence from the body places her with the Lord. That in itself gives me strength. I also realize that the Lord knew the exact day when my wife would depart, and prepared the heart of my daughter, and myself. By the grace of GOD, and by HIS power, my daughter and I have become more determined and focused to fulfill our calling in CHRIST. The truth of the matter is, when someone in JESUS goes home, they have'nt disapated, just relocated! We will see them later. It's no different than a basketball player fouling out of a game, then gathering with the team later. Simply put, with JESUS, we always win! AMEN!!!

chapel247 · May 14, 2007

JeanR said:
It has been 7 months for and each day is a challenge. Some days I feel quite well, everything seems to be going well. Other days I don't even want to get out of bed. I do get overwhelmed quite easily.

As far as meeting someone? I hate being alone. I loved being married. But, I am in no rush. I would like to have someone to have dinner with, go to the movies with, that sort of thing. I am not ready for anything long term or permanent. Quite frankly, I can't even imagine being with anyone other than Terry.

Hi JeanR! I really, really appreciate your openess. The Lord knows exactly how you feel, and HE has not, nor shall HE ever forsake you. I thank GOD for the healing that is ours in JESUS. HE is more than able to restructure our lives where we can move on and still retain the respect and honor that is due our departed loved ones. Allow that peace that passes understanding to rise up in your soul as you realize that your husband, and all those who go home in the Lord, are in good hands! I thank GOD not for only the keeping of our loved ones, but for the fact that HE is not finished with us! Go and live that life that JESUS gave you, and live it more abundantly! Your Brother In CHRIST, chapel247

ElElena · Jul 12, 2007

HI All - I'm glad to see someone is posting things on this widow/widowers thread area. We need to be able to share things as we feel a need and we really should pray for one another often.

I believe talking, chatting, & writing about such things helps with healing. It's been 5 years since my husband died and there are still things that come up from time to time but I do believe the greater part of the pain has passed now - finally -

God knows what we each need and we do need each other. God's Word tells us we need each other, doesn't it?

memoriesbymichelle · Jul 12, 2007

chapel247 said:
What's up my brother? thank you so much for replying. I really do appreciate your testimony. It is a great help to others who are dealing with the same matter. Just so you know, I am not in any way upset about my wife's home-going. She was an awesomely wonderful person who loved the Lord with all her heart. The Lord used her life in a wonderful way to effect the lives of others. This is our purpose, to be used of GOD. Now that she has gone on, I believe according to GOD'S word, that her absence from the body places her with the Lord. That in itself gives me strength. I also realize that the Lord knew the exact day when my wife would depart, and prepared the heart of my daughter, and myself. By the grace of GOD, and by HIS power, my daughter and I have become more determined and focused to fulfill our calling in CHRIST. The truth of the matter is, when someone in JESUS goes home, they have'nt disapated, just relocated! We will see them later. It's no different than a basketball player fouling out of a game, then gathering with the team later. Simply put, with JESUS, we always win! AMEN!!!

I feel alot like you. My husband passed away after dealing with an almost 1 year battle with cancer. May I ask you......what was the circumstances of your wife's death?
Forgive me if it's too personal, you just seem to have so much peace and I am a curious person.....

memoriesbymichelle

ElElena · Jul 13, 2007

Reading your posts and trying to recall you all in prayer.

God's love to each of you. God be with you.

InHisTime · Jul 30, 2007

I am single and have met a man who is widowed. We're getting to know each other and I would like to chat with someone who's been there so I understand what he's going through.

memoriesbymichelle · Jul 30, 2007

InHisTime said:
I am single and have met a man who is widowed. We're getting to know each other and I would like to chat with someone who's been there so I understand what he's going through.

How old is this man, and how long was he married? Is he a Christian?

InHisTime · Jul 30, 2007

He's 44, and yes, he's a Christian. He married about 16 years.

memoriesbymichelle · Jul 30, 2007

The other question I forgot to ask is how long has it been since he became a widower?
I lost my husband in 2005 so it's been 2 1/2 years for me. I have not dated since he died. I have not been ready to until now and even then it's iffy because I have children still growing up (9 & 13). What I can tell you is this. This is alot different than breaking up with someone, or divorcing someone, because the person is gone from this earth forever. I think everyone is different, and it takes some longer than others to try to love again. If I had died instead of my husband, I think he would already be married again, because that's the kind of person he was, and he would have needed someone earlier than me maybe. To make the relationship successful, (IMO) you would need to be VERY understanding of the feelings he had/has for his spouse he lost. You are not in competition with her, so you should never feel jealous of the love he had with her. If I was involved with someone, I would not have to hide those memories. I mean, I wouldn't always be talking about him anyway, but IF it did come up, I would not want to feel badly about loving the person I lost. If you can do that, honestly....you might be the best thing that ever happened to him. Alot of people get re-married after their spouse dies and have VERY successful marriages. Alot of that depends on you. If you are a jealous person, it will never work. If you can be understanding and compassionate about his love, and his loss, he will love you all the more for it. God Bless you and I hope this helped.

InHisTime · Jul 30, 2007

memoriesbymichelle said:
The other question I forgot to ask is how long has it been since he became a widower?
I lost my husband in 2005 so it's been 2 1/2 years for me. I have not dated since he died. I have not been ready to until now and even then it's iffy because I have children still growing up (9 & 13). What I can tell you is this. This is alot different than breaking up with someone, or divorcing someone, because the person is gone from this earth forever. I think everyone is different, and it takes some longer than others to try to love again. If I had died instead of my husband, I think he would already be married again, because that's the kind of person he was, and he would have needed someone earlier than me maybe. To make the relationship successful, (IMO) you would need to be VERY understanding of the feelings he had/has for his spouse he lost. You are not in competition with her, so you should never feel jealous of the love he had with her. If I was involved with someone, I would not have to hide those memories. I mean, I wouldn't always be talking about him anyway, but IF it did come up, I would not want to feel badly about loving the person I lost. If you can do that, honestly....you might be the best thing that ever happened to him. Alot of people get re-married after their spouse dies and have VERY successful marriages. Alot of that depends on you. If you are a jealous person, it will never work. If you can be understanding and compassionate about his love, and his loss, he will love you all the more for it. God Bless you and I hope this helped.

I'm not a jealous person and I'm encouraging him to talk about her, but I want to understand where he might be right now in the grieving process. It's less than 2 years. He has two teenage daughters.

JeanR · Jul 30, 2007

InHisTime

I have only been widowed 9 months, so I really don't know if I can give you the best answer. I can tell you that the loneliness at times is unbearable and I miss being married, sharing your life with someone.

I think it is important though not to rush into marriage again because you are lonely and don't like being single. Sometimes I think that I was fortunate enough that one man loved me and wonder if that would ever happen again. Between the loneliness and the thought that I may never find someone who would want to love me, I can see if someone paid attention to you that you would jump into a new marriage. However, people who have rushed into a second marriage often end up miserable.

You need to take your cue from him as to what he is truly ready for. He may think he is ready to move ahead, but may not be. You need to take the lead here. Be loving, but discerning.

And remember, he will always love his wife, always and forever. Doesn't mean he can't love again, but the love will be different for him. Different doesn't mean less, just different.

You have the added burden of discerning his daughter's reactions. I know that three of my children would think it strange to see me with someone else, but would want me to be happy. My oldest would completely reject the man. Take your time with his children and know that you cannot replace their mother. You can be there for them, be a friend to them, but never their mother.

I hope this helps. Perhaps if I were widowed for a longer period I would have a different insight.

Missinyou · Jul 31, 2007

InHisTime said:
I am single and have met a man who is widowed. We're getting to know each other and I would like to chat with someone who's been there so I understand what he's going through.

I lost my wife of 30 years, just over a year ago and all our children have grown and started families of their own so can give no advice in that area.. You can only hope they are accepting children, but as Jean said, never try to be their mother. If you are to become anthing close to their confidante, let them initiate it. Be caring and understanding to them. Blood runs pretty thick and if there's a problem with the kids, there will be a problem with your relationship with their father. As to understanding what he's going through, if you have not walked the walk, I don't think it will ever be possible, but that does not mean the two of you can not love each other. It just means it's going to take a lot of work on your part, and the ablility to overlook a lot because his love for his first wife will always be there. It's not like marrying a divorcee because there is no bitterness here, only love and lonliness. I would also advise you not to rush in to anything. I can tell you firsthand that there are feelings of begging for companionship that can be mistaken for strong feelings for someone, only to find out after a while that they were only feelings of infatuation. Be sure his feelings for you are the right ones, not just trying to fill an empty space..and only taking it slow and easy will accomplish that. Loneliness can influence feelings in a moment. Love takes time to nurture and build...but it can be done...and perhaps you are just what he needs. Just be sure you are aware of the baggage he's bringing with him. Let God direct you and you won't go wrong.

Good luck and may God bless you,
Missinyou

memoriesbymichelle · Jul 31, 2007

My sons are 13 and 9. At first my oldest son told me that if I ever got married again, he would NOT accept that person. I think he was just worried what would happen. Now that it's been a couple of years, I asked them what they thought about me seeing someone (even though there are no prospects ) and they said they would be open to it, as long as the guy didn't try to be their dad and tell them what to do. And as long as they were nice to them. So I agree with Missinyou,and JeanR, to take it slow, and take your cues from him. Girls might be a little different from boys, so be cautious with them and respect their feelings as well. Just being a friend to your man, and a great companion will help him alot. I would need that if I was seeing someone. As the relationship progresses, he might even at times feel guilty about the feelings he has for you, like he's cheating on his wife. These are normal and natural feelings that require you to have alot of patience during those times. Everyone grieves differently and men are different than women, so it's hard to say exactly, but hopefully we've helped you some. God Bless you for even considering this relationship.

chapel247 · Aug 4, 2007

memoriesbymichelle said:
I feel alot like you. My husband passed away after dealing with an almost 1 year battle with cancer. May I ask you......what was the circumstances of your wife's death?
Forgive me if it's too personal, you just seem to have so much peace and I am a curious person.....

memoriesbymichelle

Hi Sister! I appologize for taking so long to answer.
There's no need to ask for forgiveness. This is a forum where we are able to discuss certain issues and believe GOD that in those discussions, others will receive their healing.
My wife was diagnosed with cancer in 2004. From that time, till the time she went home, she lived a very fruitful life, witnessing the LORD JESUS Christ to as many as the LORD would lead.
Concerning the condition of her health, we just never gave it that much thought, believe it or not, because we believed according to GOD'S word that healing is a forever settled subject. We casted our cares on the Lord and said, "Father, we know we're healed by the stripes of JESUS, so we elect to keep our focus on you and continue spreading your word!" That's what we continued to do up until the day she went to be with the Lord.
Since that day, I've told people what I'm about to tell you, and some get it, and some look at me like a three-dollar-bill.
Like Peter, when you willfully elect to keep your eyes focused on JESUS, even in the worst of circumstances, HE will cause you to walk on the water of whatever situation your dealing with. This truth is not something reserved for the disciples of old, but also for us today. My seventeen yr, old daughter, and I have been exsperiencing an over abundance of blessings in every way, just because we decided that JESUS is bigger than any cicumstance that could come our way. We know where our loved one is, and also that she is in good hands, so we just continue foward with great exspectation saying, "OK JESUS, we'll see her later! What do you want us to do now?"
I know to some that can sound callous and cold, but it's not; it's confidence in the one that promised to meet ALL of our needs. We needed strength, HE provided it. We needed assurance, HE provided it. We need to go on and live this life that HE created and HE provides what ever is necessary to do it in godly fashion.
I could go on and on. GOD is just so awesome. HIS peace truly does surpass all natural understanding.

Missinyou · Aug 4, 2007

Amen to that, chapel247. That was very well said.

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