I have been dating a wonderful man for about three months. His wife past away 20 years ago from cancer. He hasn't remarried but has dated during this time. He still seems to have a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her death. I don't think that he's completely over her, if it is possible to "get over" a former spouse. Another thing that bothers me is he likes to visit me in my home but has never invited me to his home. I am getting the impression that a lot has not changed in 20 years, and I am not welcome in his former family home. They must have had a strong, loving relationship. However, they did not have children together, so this bond does not exist. Is it normal to still cling to the memories of a deceased spouse after 20 years? I care for him but I feel competition with his former wife. He pursued me for several months so I feel he was being somewhat dishonest in what he had to offer. Any advice?
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widow 20 years/dating
- Thread starter renaka
- Start date
No children together does not necessarily mean that there isn't a close bond with him and his late wife's family. I didn't have children either, and I still have a loving relationship with my in-laws. Was he quite young when he lost her? Had they planned to have children and then weren't able to?
About not going to his place but him going to yours, I would just ask him about that. Also, has he had any sort of grief counselling? How to be able to move forward towards a new relationship, if that is his desire, counselling can help. I'm sensing there is a part of him that wants it, but when it gets too close it feels too weird. But, it has been only 10 months for me, so I can't know for sure.
Thanks for asking, though; good place to do so. I am praying for you, and your relationship.
About not going to his place but him going to yours, I would just ask him about that. Also, has he had any sort of grief counselling? How to be able to move forward towards a new relationship, if that is his desire, counselling can help. I'm sensing there is a part of him that wants it, but when it gets too close it feels too weird. But, it has been only 10 months for me, so I can't know for sure.
Thanks for asking, though; good place to do so. I am praying for you, and your relationship.
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memoriesbymichelle
Senior Veteran
It's only been 4 years for me, but I have said that it would take a special person to love me and understand me because my husband died of cancer and I was married to him for 25 years and loved him very much. I would never want someone new in my life to feel they had to compete with someone who's passed away, but at the same time my love did not die when he did either and it's not my fault he died, so someone would have to understand that about me. Plus I have two children by my husband, and 3 step children (they are grown), and I still have some pictures of him/us and even a blanket on my bed that one of my friends made out of some of his clothes. I would take the blanket off if I were in a new relationship, but I wouldn't take down the pictures because that is my kids' dad. I think you need to talk to him about this. Maybe you are reading too much into it. It could have nothing really to do with his deceased wife, maybe he's a messy housekeeper or something. My advice is to just ask him and then you will know where his feelings lie. And if he pursued you, that means he wants a relationship, and you shouldn't have to compete, but you might need to be understanding to the fact that just because someone dies, we can't just stop loving them.....ever really. Hope that helps.
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No advice. Just a prayer:
Dear Lord, we ask that your will would become evident to Renaka. We know how lonely it is without our spouses and we long to have that relationship back in our lives. Yet, we always want to be sure that we are doing what you would have us do. Give Renaka the wisdom to recognize if there is something that may be a hinderence in this relationship she is involved in. Give her peace if this is something that will work out for both her good and for the gentleman. If this becomes serious, Lord, encourage Renaka to be sure that the relationship is one that is equally yoked in terms of their individual relationships with You. We ask for your Holy Will to be clear to Renaka and that her future will be bright, whichever way it turns out. We ask this in the Holy name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
Dear Lord, we ask that your will would become evident to Renaka. We know how lonely it is without our spouses and we long to have that relationship back in our lives. Yet, we always want to be sure that we are doing what you would have us do. Give Renaka the wisdom to recognize if there is something that may be a hinderence in this relationship she is involved in. Give her peace if this is something that will work out for both her good and for the gentleman. If this becomes serious, Lord, encourage Renaka to be sure that the relationship is one that is equally yoked in terms of their individual relationships with You. We ask for your Holy Will to be clear to Renaka and that her future will be bright, whichever way it turns out. We ask this in the Holy name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
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I think it's right for you to wonder about why he's not being more open and receptive of you. It's possible that some people NEVER let go. I mean it IS hard work... it DOES hurt. Holding on is so much safer and easier. All you can do is try your best. Ask questions, so you're not jumping to the wrong conclusions. Maybe his house is filthy and he's ashamed of it... there could be 20 legitimate reasons why he hasn't invited you over.
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memoriesbymichelle
Senior Veteran
Well it might also be that he doesn't want to let go either. I mean I was just contemplating this thought and it made me think, "why do we have to let go?" I mean it's only been 4 years and 8 months for me, but if I was to consider dating, I would want that person to be understanding that just because someone dies you can't turn off the feelings that you had and you shouldn't have to. It's different than if you get a divorce. People usually don't choose to die and no one chooses to be a widow or widower. To me, that's what makes it hard! I have moved on in my life, but I am not about to quit loving my husband because he left this earth. I do think I could love him and someone the Lord would bring into my life, so why should I have to choose. It's not like the person would be competing with my husband and hopefully they would be compassionate and understand that. JMO
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I was using "let go" in the healthy sense of the grief process.Well it might also be that he doesn't want to let go either. I mean I was just contemplating this thought and it made me think, "why do we have to let go?" I mean it's only been 4 years and 8 months for me, but if I was to consider dating, I would want that person to be understanding that just because someone dies you can't turn off the feelings that you had and you shouldn't have to. It's different than if you get a divorce. People usually don't choose to die and no one chooses to be a widow or widower. To me, that's what makes it hard! I have moved on in my life, but I am not about to quit loving my husband because he left this earth. I do think I could love him and someone the Lord would bring into my life, so why should I have to choose. It's not like the person would be competing with my husband and hopefully they would be compassionate and understand that. JMO
You said, "I don't think that he's completely over her..." is that not the same as not letting go?
Letting go of the pain... not letting go of the person.
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memoriesbymichelle
Senior Veteran
I get cha it just seems that in my dealings with people they kinda do expect you to let go of loving that person (as if that's possible).
Sometimes I think maybe only a widower would be able to understand as far as relationships go, at least that's what I think.
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c1ners
Senior Contributor
My husband has been gone for 22 years now. I love him as much today as I did the day we married. Most people though do learn to eventually let go and live.
I can give you some reasons that may be making him hold on for so long.
1. His first wife was his first love. You never get over your first love
2. He feels like her death was his fault
3. He watched her die and couldn't do anything to stop it.
4. He's had to keep his emotions inside for all these years which in turn has kept him from being able to let go
He needs to talk. He needs to feel like someone loves him enough to allow him to cry, scream, yell, kick thing, what ever he feels like doing. Hold him. Let him be angry, let him be hurt. Hold him and tell him that he's not alone. He's afraid to love. Either because he's afraid of getting hurt again, or he's punishing himself for her death. Regardless, let him in. Tell him he does deserve it. Just love him and allow him to grieve.
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