Why should I continue living?

HannahBanana · Jun 24, 2008

Knowing that:

a) I'm socially anxious to the point where I avoid even leaving my bedroom,

b) I'm on medication for my anxiety and that hasn't helped much, and neither has therapy,

c) When I was a Christian, I was actually more anxious than I was as an atheist, so converting to Christianity didn't help either,

and

d) holding a job makes me anxious to the point where I want to just curl up in a ball and hide from the world,

why should I continue living (as opposed to killing myself) after my parents finally kick me out of the house? I won't be able to hold a job, nor will I be able to actually do anything about my anxiety (since it doesn't seem to go away no matter what I do), so what would be the point of continuing to live? It's not like anxiety is pleasant for me, either. In the last few months, I've actually been having some pretty bad heartburn because of my anxiety. And my anxiety often makes me feel like I'm clinically insane. I'm sick and tired of living my life with this monster called "anxiety," and there seems to be no way out other than killing myself.

So please, answer that question for me (the huge, long one in bold). Thanks.

Everlasting33 · Jun 25, 2008

Anxiety is pretty painful, isn't it? I struggle with it myself and it is so nagging, and it makes you and I feel we are not able to handle life or the stress of it.

You're right. Holding down a job and maintaining healthy relationships is nearly impossible for individuals struggling with moderate to severe levels of social anxiety. It is a struggle for you and I am sorry to hear of your pain.

What about a job makes you very anxious? Is it simply being around people or something else such as fearing mistakes?

In therapy, have you isolated several of the factors for your social anxiety? Most mental and behavioral disorders cannot be properly handled if the source of the problem is not recognized.

I know it is difficult to overcome and it can be very easy to fall into despair and depression. But it truly sounds like you are doing the best with what you have. I hope you can feel better soon and I look forward to your response.

Terax · Jun 25, 2008

I still had problems with my anxiety after I had medication as well. After going through several different medications to help with my depression, I was finally put on one that made the anxiety go away completely. Maybe you can go to the doctor and tell him that the pills aren't working?

Life can always get better.

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

SteelerBred33 ~ Many things about a job make me very anxious: the possibility of rejection after I've applied for the job, the fact that my performance at the job is constantly being monitored by my boss, and the fact that I have to interact with my peers.

And yes, I have isolated the factors of my social anxiety in therapy (those factors being my "all-or-nothing" way of thinking and my self-hateful thoughts), but I just cannot make myself actually do the work to overcome my social anxiety.

Thanks for your response, though. I do appreciate it.

Terax ~ I'm afraid of switching medications, since I'm a complete hypochondriac and I always am able to convince myself that I have one (or more) side effect from whatever type of medication I'm taking. The only reason that I'm actually on a medication in the first place is because I started taking it when I was young and naive (I was 13 years old when I started taking it).

Thanks for the suggestion, though.

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

If you are having problems with leaving you bedroom, then you really need to try a new medication. I know it is difficult for you, but you need to try to get better. Consult your doctor, and follow his suggestions. You can do this.

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Dworkin ~ I cannot physically make myself take new medications, though. That's how severe my phobia of side-effects is. I can get the pill(s) to reach my lips, but I cannot make myself put the pill(s) into my mouth. And if I do end up being able to make myself take a new medication, chances are, I'm going to hate it, since I'll think that I have all sorts of side-effects from it. It's hellish. I tried Lexapro two years ago (under my psychiatrist's supervision, of course), and I felt so physically and mentally unwell while I was taking it. And that was most likely all due to psychosomatic effects of taking the Lexapro.

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

That is very concerning. Your problems may feel overwhelming but you need to hold on. Fight for every inch if you have to. What does your doctor say about your inability to take new medications and your anxiety?

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Dworkin said:
That is very concerning. Your problems may feel overwhelming but you need to hold on. Fight for every inch if you have to. What does your doctor say about your inability to take new medications and your anxiety?

He's basically just accepted it as the way I am, and doesn't seem too concerned about it.

And why should I hold on, though, especially if my problems are making me as miserable as they are? What would be the point of living a life of misery?

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

Because life will not always be this way. Finding the solution is hard and trying, but once you find the right one your life will improve a lot. There had been times where I felt like you, but once I'm better I am glad to be alive.

If your doctor seems not to care, you should change doctors. You may have to deal with your phobia of side-effects first before you can truly get better through medication. Do you exercise?

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Dworkin said:
Because life will not always be this way. Finding the solution is hard and trying, but once you find the right one your life will improve a lot. There had been times where I felt like you, but once I'm better I am glad to be alive.

If your doctor seems not to care, you should change doctors. You may have to deal with your phobia of side-effects first before you can truly get better through medication. Do you exercise?

Oh, gosh. What is it with people telling me to exercise? LOL. Everyone suggests that to me: my therapist, my dad, my friends...it seems to be some sort of evil conspiracy against my laziness, lol. And in case you didn't get it: I don't exercise, and I hate to exercise. I get tired so easily, and exercising bores me.

And I'd really rather not switch psychiatrists. This man that I've been seeing knows me so well by now (I've been seeing him for about 4 or 5 years now), and I'd hate to have to start all over again with someone who doesn't know me at all. Plus, I feel comfortable around him and it takes me forever to feel comfortable around others.

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

Lol. Exercising can be trying, for sure. Then again, it's suppose to. Find something to make it fun. Getting better isn't going to happen without some effort. You might hate it, but you need to make yourself do it. When I was depressed exercise made it manageable. Have you told your doctor that you feel like giving up? I can't imagine him not caring about that.

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Dworkin said:
Lol. Exercising can be trying, for sure. Then again, it's suppose to. Find something to make it fun. Getting better isn't going to happen without some effort. You might hate it, but you need to make yourself do it. When I was depressed exercise made it manageable. Have you told your doctor that you feel like giving up? I can't imagine him not caring about that.

I haven't told my therapist or my psychiatrist about my plans to kill myself. I've told both of them that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, but I've been too scared to tell them that I actually am starting to plan to kill myself. My mother has told me such horror stories about visiting her dad in the psych ward of his local hospital that I don't want to even stand a chance of being put in the psych ward of my local hospital.

And I'll see if I can make myself exercise. I'm not promising any miracles, though.

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

Hannah, you need to tell your parents and doctor your suicidal thoughts, all of them. Don't let a fear of a psych ward stop you. Even if you are put in one, it will most likely help you in the long run. Least you will get the proper medication. Right now, the medication you are taking doesn't work. Don't leave this world prematurely, exhaust ALL options. Your suicide would have devastating consequences beyond you.

Do you like any sports? What do you do in your room all day?

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

I don't like any sports, other than channel-surfing, lol. I just hate getting all out of breath and sweaty. Plus, I can't drive, and my mom doesn't like driving me places, and I don't have any friends who could drive me places, so there wouldn't be any way for me to get anywhere where I could play sports (I live basically in the middle of nowhere, and there is no public transportation in my town).

As for what I do all day in my room all day, I post on CF, I work on my assignments for school (right now I'm taking two summer courses at my community college), and I watch TV. Oh, and occaisionally, I go downstairs to get myself a snack, but I don't do that all that often now that my heartburn is getting quite bad. Oh, and I also try to nap sometimes, but, again, my heartburn makes that hard.

The thinker · Jun 25, 2008

Remember that absolutely nothing is permanent. Keep waiting, keep trying.

You have no idea what will happen in the future...

It's all in the mind(A sort of "mind over body" thing), if you think and hope you will get better, if you have faith that life will improve then one way or another it will. If you focus on something for long enough your mind will inevitably move towards that goal, I think it is subconscious.

My mind 'imploded' 8 months ago. It felt like my psyche had been smashed, at one point I even though that I had been possesed some sort of demon! I felt a constant soul wrenching terror in the pit of my stomach, by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me (and still is but to a lesser extent).

I never stopped looking for answers and solutions, I always tried to hope and have faith that there was a reason for what was happening, that there was "light at the end of the tunnel". It worked, albeit quite slowy. I am much better now than when it started.

You don't have to believe in God, you can just believe in yourself.

Sadiegrl · Jun 25, 2008

Hannah my dear, first i want to give you a hug . You are drowning yourself! It seems that you have already accepted failure before you even begin, which is going to keep you in your same state...which sounds like you are comfortable in it, despite your unhappiness, it is familiar to you. I have felt similar to the way you are now, and the first thing you need to know, YOU will never be able to change yourself, it is a lie from the devil to keep you from God. The only one who can give you a brand new life is God. Not religion, but a relationship with Jesus and God, and he will transform you into something new and restored. He hears your pain and counts all your tears, and he loves you beyond your comprehension. The best part about it, is you dont have to do anything except embrace Christ in you life and love others. He tells us to cast all our anxieties and troubles on Him...and hes talking directly to you hannah. Hes telling us that he is the great physician, and therapist, becuz he knows us better than we know ourselves, he already knows what our problems are and wants to take them from our hands and relieve our worried hearts. Hannah he loves you so much and promises to change you from the inside out, if we merely accept him as Lord and believe in his son Jesus we will be given a new heart and life. And its true...i'm living proof of it. I would love to be a friend to you, and share what changes have happened in my life, which are very similar to what you are experiencing...and there will be side affects...but only good ones!!! Hannah i am praying for you and would love to show you the way! Please pm me if you need a shoulder or helping hand, but you do have to take the first step in getting well, choosing to live!

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Sadiegrl said:
Hannah my dear, first i want to give you a hug . You are drowning yourself! It seems that you have already accepted failure before you even begin, which is going to keep you in your same state...which sounds like you are comfortable in it, despite your unhappiness, it is familiar to you. I have felt similar to the way you are now, and the first thing you need to know, YOU will never be able to change yourself, it is a lie from the devil to keep you from God. The only one who can give you a brand new life is God. Not religion, but a relationship with Jesus and God, and he will transform you into something new and restored. He hears your pain and counts all your tears, and he loves you beyond your comprehension. The best part about it, is you dont have to do anything except embrace Christ in you life and love others. He tells us to cast all our anxieties and troubles on Him...and hes talking directly to you hannah. Hes telling us that he is the great physician, and therapist, becuz he knows us better than we know ourselves, he already knows what our problems are and wants to take them from our hands and relieve our worried hearts. Hannah he loves you so much and promises to change you from the inside out, if we merely accept him as Lord and believe in his son Jesus we will be given a new heart and life. And its true...i'm living proof of it. I would love to be a friend to you, and share what changes have happened in my life, which are very similar to what you are experiencing...and there will be side affects...but only good ones!!! Hannah i am praying for you and would love to show you the way! Please pm me if you need a shoulder or helping hand, but you do have to take the first step in getting well, choosing to live!

Please do not evangelize to me. I've already said that I hated being a Christian, so why the heck would you take that as an invitation to preach to me?

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

The thinker said:
Remember that absolutely nothing is permanent. Keep waiting, keep trying.

You have no idea what will happen in the future...

It's all in the mind(A sort of "mind over body" thing), if you think and hope you will get better, if you have faith that life will improve then one way or another it will. If you focus on something for long enough your mind will inevitably move towards that goal, I think it is subconscious.

My mind 'imploded' 8 months ago. It felt like my psyche had been smashed, at one point I even though that I had been possesed some sort of demon! I felt a constant soul wrenching terror in the pit of my stomach, by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me (and still is but to a lesser extent).

I never stopped looking for answers and solutions, I always tried to hope and have faith that there was a reason for what was happening, that there was "light at the end of the tunnel". It worked, albeit quite slowy. I am much better now than when it started.

You don't have to believe in God, you can just believe in yourself.

But it's not going to get better, though. I'm going to have to keep suffering through my anxiety, and I've already proven to myself that I can't overcome my anxiety. So why should I believe that there are better days ahead for me?

Dworkin · Jun 25, 2008

Because others have felt the same way before. That their anxiety and depression was overwhelming, was not going to get better, etc. It is a very common feeling when depressed. You need to keep hope alive, and just tell yourself that you are going to work your way through it. It will be tough, and some steps will require you to force yourself to do something you don't think you can.

Exercise can be fun. It doesn't have to be boring. Climb trees, bike ride, whatever. You've got to meet success half way.

Dan

HannahBanana · Jun 25, 2008

Dworkin said:
Because others have felt the same way before. That their anxiety and depression was overwhelming, was not going to get better, etc. It is a very common feeling when depressed. You need to keep hope alive, and just tell yourself that you are going to work your way through it. It will be tough, and some steps will require you to force yourself to do something you don't think you can.

Exercise can be fun. It doesn't have to be boring. Climb trees, bike ride, whatever. You've got to meet success half way.

Dan

And others have committed suicide because of my sorts of feelings before, so why can't I just do what they did?

And to me, "fun" does not equal "being away from my computer for long stretches of time." So exercise can't really be fun for me.

Why should I continue living?

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