As I understand it, in the Catholic Church, "the state of grace" is the state of the soul in which the Holy Spirit dwells inside of the soul. On the contrary, the state of mortal sin, is when you have committed such a heinous sin, that the Holy Spirit departs from your soul.
Then why is it, that when I cry out to the Holy Spirit for him to guide me, help me, and heal me, he never seems to answer?
I have no conscious mortal sin on my soul.
Why is it that I cannot seem to get into contact with the Holy Spirit, when I need it the most? I need to ask him for things, yet my prayers are never heard. I would like to speak to God the way a human being speaks to another.
Why then is it that I cannot sense his presence (inside or outside of me), or that I cannot hear his voice?
My life is a mess. I don't even know how to untangle myself from my problems. I have tried to do that, for years and years, and things have only gotten worse. I literally need God's guidance and help in these very specific problems, but I cannot sense an answer. I have literally been asking him for years. Yet he never answers.
Does he hate me? Did I lose the Holy Spirit at some point? Did I really receive the Holy Spirit? These questions are in my mind constantly, and have been for a longer time. Coupled with the fear of Hell, this is enough to make anyone crazy.
I also doubt whether or not I am in the state of mortal sin or in the state of grace constantly, because I literally cannot feel any difference. Is this a bad sign? Perhaps my conscience has become seared? I do not understand myself, nor did I ever.
Sometimes I just think to myself "f-k it, what is the point of trying to be a good Christian, since I do not know if I am in the state of grace, I cannot be sure that I will go to Heaven, I will probably go to Hell" and so I presume on God's mercy.
I do not understand why God does not want to speak to me, even when I am sincere in my intentions and in my heart???