Why do you ask questions here?

[dmp]

What's your motivation? I've read plenty which seem like sincere honest questions, and plenty-still which seem like men and women trying to get others to agree with them, so they can bash their mate who is "OBVIOUSLY WRONG!" due to overwhelming agreement from an online forum.

I'll answer first.

I only ask questions to gain other folks' perspective on a situation. Generally, before I ask I'm sure I already know the answer. I ask when I want to know how my ideas bounce or mesh or conflict with folk not attached to the situation.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Honestly, I don't ask a lot of questions here because if I thought I had an issue with my spouse, I personally feel like it would be disrespectful to him if I got a bunch of people to "agree with me" that he's wrong. Maybe he is--but the point is that I can only change ME and not HIM and he's not here asking how to change!

Soooooo...if I do ask a question it's usually because I feel like I'm so close to the issue that I'm not seeing clearly or I can't get any ideas how to change me and I'd like other folks to give me some suggestions. I rarely base my life decisions on what other people say, but I often get my perspective adjusted or get a MUCH NEEDED attitude adjustment.

~Faithful

 

[snoochface]

Honestly, I don't ask a lot of questions here because if I thought I had an issue with my spouse, I personally feel like it would be disrespectful to him if I got a bunch of people to "agree with me" that he's wrong. Maybe he is--but the point is that I can only change ME and not HIM and he's not here asking how to change!

Soooooo...if I do ask a question it's usually because I feel like I'm so close to the issue that I'm not seeing clearly or I can't get any ideas how to change me and I'd like other folks to give me some suggestions. I rarely base my life decisions on what other people say, but I often get my perspective adjusted or get a MUCH NEEDED attitude adjustment.

~Faithful

I agree with this. I don't think I've asked a question here, primarily because I want to address issues with my husband, and not feel like I've gone behind his back to other people who are outside of our marriage.

I don't want to sound as if I feel there is anything at all wrong with people asking questions here. I understand completely why they do, and I've been tempted to myself. I'm in a new area now where I don't know anyone, and if I didn't have online friends and email to talk to friends back home, the isolation would drive me insane.

It's good to have a place to get different perspectives when you feel too close to an issue, or just don't understand another point of view. It's good to be able to ask "Is this normal?" kinds of questions when you're too embarrassed to ask people in real life. I think a lot of people use this forum for those reasons.

 

[dmp]

Thanks for your responses, ladies!

 

[godismyabba]

Some times you just need someone who is not a part of the issue to shed some light. Sometimes you need support (not bashing the hubby thread, just someone to say they are praying for you)

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I usually keep the questions light, and it's been awhile(maybe a yr) since I created a topic here. I believe if you have a pretty good marriage, you're less likely to ask, 'is this normal' type questions.... but alas, not everyne has the ideal marriage so I can understand coming here to vent or get advice. I'd rather ppl get Godly advice than secular advice.

 

[GrannieAnnie]

The questions I ask are never anything to do with a situation I'm personally in....but I'm very curious to see how others perceive their lives and how they see the world around them.....I guess I'm just basically curious as to how others think about issues in general

 

[Redguard]

DMP..

I've been guilty in the past of creating posts similar to the scenario that you've described.

Nowadays, I try as much as possible to refrain from creating those kinds of posts.

I question my marriage all the time, as well as the actions of my wife. But I've come to realize that posing some of my questions and concerns online never really go towards fixing anything.

Sample Responses:
- Why don't you guys just talk about it? Problem solved!
- I think you should pray about this! Problem solved!
- Rub her feet and take out the garbage! Then she'll have sex with you! Problem solved!
- Well if you follow what the Bible says and SUBMIT, then your husband will treat you better! Problem solved!

And that's when I realize that my only reason (as well as many others) for creating the post in the first place is to get a sense of assurance that:

A. I'm right and my spouse is wrong
B. I'm normal and my spouse is crazy
C. I'm the good guy and she's the bad guy (girl)
D. People pity me

Ever notice that everyone here is usually the victim in their marriages and never the perpetrator of the problems? Interesting. I'm not saying this to point fingers at anyone. I just think that it's a perspective and an attitude that everyone tends to hold on to when writing out their problems and presenting them to an online audience.

 

[dmp]

Ever notice that everyone here is usually the victim in their marriages and never the perpetrator of the problems? Interesting. I'm not saying this to point fingers at anyone. I just think that it's a perspective and an attitude that everyone tends to hold on to when writing out their problems and presenting them to an online audience.

You absolutely nailed it.

I haven't seen many of these types of posts:

"I'm uncaring for my wife. I only live with her because we are married - nothing much more than roommates. I have not 'husbanded' her in decades. I'm just a guy she's married to, and put no effort into living up to my God-ordained calling to Husband (verb). Having said that, I can't BELIEVE that ho CHEATED ON ME!!!"

or

"I stomp all over my husband. When I'm with my friends or family I make fun of him. Just like on TV, the father in THIS house is a buffoon. I, as the wife, LEAD the family. I'm in charge. I wear the pants. My husband does what he's told when he's told. SOMETIMES I let him have sex with me. I mean, I'm the QUEEN of this house! I DESERVE to be treated with RESPECT! God said he HAS TO LOVE ME like Christ loved the Church. So - I'm helping him. Christ DIED for us, so I'm slowly killing my husband's will to live - his will to be a MAN. After TEN YEARS of marriage, I can't BELIEVE he slept with his secretary!!"

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

I am very protective of my family. The times when i did open up, i wished I hadn't. If someone says anything remotely negative about my hubby, I get defensive or make excuses for him. I also hate the 'oh, my hubby would never do ANYTHING like that, I'm sooooooo LUCKY'

Red-I hear where you're coming from, after-awhile the responses start to seem so cliche, that you know what's going to be said next. I know, I've probably given tons of 'cliche' advice. Sometimes there's a 'lightbulb' moment.

 

[Redguard]

I also hate the 'oh, my hubby would never do ANYTHING like that, I'm sooooooo LUCKY'

Don't forget the;

"My hubby and I are best friends! I'm SOOOO blessed!! "

and


"My hubby was a virgin when we were married! I'm SOOOO blessed!! "

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I never ask for advice where I have to open up and be vulnerable. I made the mistake of doing that years ago on a stepparenting forum, and a couple of people blasted me for it. Sometimes a person just needs empathy, to know that someone understands where they are coming from. It is possible give someone empathy without taking sides, you don't have to agree with them to do it. I guess it is wise for a poster to clarify if they are looking for advice on how to fix a situation, or if they are just needing to vent. It is also wise for those who choose to reply to what is clearly intended as a vent, to honor that and refrain from giving advice. However, some people can't help themselves and give advice anyway. It is human nature to want to "fix" things, but most problems don't have one simple solution. Making character judgements is never a good idea. Saying things like "you're mean/selfish, etc.", is never beneficial. You don't know a person's heart from just one post.

 

[snoochface]

I've avoided asking questions here, but now I think I need to avoid responding to them too.

 

[GrannieAnnie]

You absolutely nailed it.

I haven't seen many of these types of posts:

"I'm uncaring for my wife. I only live with her because we are married - nothing much more than roommates. I have not 'husbanded' her in decades. I'm just a guy she's married to, and put no effort into living up to my God-ordained calling to Husband (verb). Having said that, I can't BELIEVE that ho CHEATED ON ME!!!"

or

"I stomp all over my husband. When I'm with my friends or family I make fun of him. Just like on TV, the father in THIS house is a buffoon. I, as the wife, LEAD the family. I'm in charge. I wear the pants. My husband does what he's told when he's told. SOMETIMES I let him have sex with me. I mean, I'm the QUEEN of this house! I DESERVE to be treated with RESPECT! God said he HAS TO LOVE ME like Christ loved the Church. So - I'm helping him. Christ DIED for us, so I'm slowly killing my husband's will to live - his will to be a MAN. After TEN YEARS of marriage, I can't BELIEVE he slept with his secretary!!"

OK....truth time....I mean....REAL truth time.....

I was in my first marriage for about 17 years....and I was exactly the sort of wife you described.....dominating, cheating, disrespectful, patronising, angry, ...... the poor bloke didn't have a chance with me. Whenever he opened his mouth, I pounced on him. After 17 years I got sick of him and dumped him.....basically, that's the story.

I was...wrong, wrong, wrong........ I've been with my second husband 19 years and I'm doing it right this time...and we are very very happy......we are equals, but I wait on him hand and foot, he's the one who makes all the major decisions and you know what....I love it !!!

 

[hisbloodformysins]

What's your motivation? I've read plenty which seem like sincere honest questions, and plenty-still which seem like men and women trying to get others to agree with them, so they can bash their mate who is "OBVIOUSLY WRONG!" due to overwhelming agreement from an online forum.

I'll answer first.

I only ask questions to gain other folks' perspective on a situation. Generally, before I ask I'm sure I already know the answer. I ask when I want to know how my ideas bounce or mesh or conflict with folk not attached to the situation.

Well pin a rose on your nose dmp (being onery)

I post because i'm bored and like to talk/type. I post because I want others perspectives. But sometimes I post because I am looking for support or sympathy. So in other words, sometimes i'm looking for advice or other thoughts, and sometimes i'm just seeking comfort. So it's during those times when I might get a little defensive if I get an "insensitive" response, not because the person doesn't agree with me, but because I'm needing some tlc and comforting... which can be very upsetting to be seeking that here because others aren't always sensitive to that in a public forum.

I personally usually don't care if others agree with me or not. I mean yeah, it's neat to have support, but not necessary. So when "I" get defensive it's not because someone else doesn't share my opinion.. it's more about attitude that is frustrating.



HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

DMP..

I've been guilty in the past of creating posts similar to the scenario that you've described.

Nowadays, I try as much as possible to refrain from creating those kinds of posts.

I question my marriage all the time, as well as the actions of my wife. But I've come to realize that posing some of my questions and concerns online never really go towards fixing anything.

Sample Responses:
- Why don't you guys just talk about it? Problem solved!
- I think you should pray about this! Problem solved!
- Rub her feet and take out the garbage! Then she'll have sex with you! Problem solved!
- Well if you follow what the Bible says and SUBMIT, then your husband will treat you better! Problem solved!

And that's when I realize that my only reason (as well as many others) for creating the post in the first place is to get a sense of assurance that:

A. I'm right and my spouse is wrong
B. I'm normal and my spouse is crazy
C. I'm the good guy and she's the bad guy (girl)
D. People pity me

Ever notice that everyone here is usually the victim in their marriages and never the perpetrator of the problems? Interesting. I'm not saying this to point fingers at anyone. I just think that it's a perspective and an attitude that everyone tends to hold on to when writing out their problems and presenting them to an online audience.

I disagree with this. Sometimes people aren't looking for someone to tell them they are right as you've said, nor are they looking for advice, but maybe just someone to talk to about their problems. As a woman, it may be easier for me to understand that.

 

[kanga22]

I post questions, but mostly vents, because I am still (after 1 1/2 yrs. since he said he was done w/ me) having trouble understanding how my husband can do the cruel things he's doing. I think I'm loving (or used to be), I think I strive to be Christlike, but dh makes it so difficult for me.

And, I'm sorry, but I do feel like a victim. I'm sure that I hold some responsibility for what's going on in my marriage, but the difference is that I WILL do what it takes to change, I want our marriage to work. He doesn't seem to have ANY interest in it at all. And that makes me very sad for our children.

I just don't know what I can do anymore. I've tried everything that I've been able to think of to do. So I'm here trying to figure things out. I post to get perspective and TRY to understand and to help me move-on as it seems that is all that is left for me to do.

 

[Redguard]

I disagree with this. Sometimes people aren't looking for someone to tell them they are right as you've said, nor are they looking for advice, but maybe just someone to talk to about their problems. As a woman, it may be easier for me to understand that.

Suppose then that whenever you posted about your situations, all you got from people (ie. 100% of responses) were people giving you scathing negative feedback and constantly telling you that all of the problems are your fault and you were being nothing but a nag.

Would you continue to post? Or would you suddenly find that "talking to people online about it" was suddenly not as appealing as you had originally thought?

 

[Meshavrischika]

I think you have to realize (as with anything) that there are two sides to every story... and that the person posting has their one perspective. I don't think anyone who posts vents, etc. really views themselves as posted earlier (a shrew or a lazy worthless husband) or they would not be upset. It may be the truth of their situation, but they may not see it. I think sometimes posting can bring this to your attention in some ways. I also think that people feel better when they have someone relate to them. It's not so much about "you're right" as "i understand where you're coming from"... at least for me.

 

[dmp]

Suppose then that whenever you posted about your situations, all you got from people (ie. 100% of responses) were people giving you scathing negative feedback and constantly telling you that all of the problems are your fault and you were being nothing but a nag.

Would you continue to post? Or would you suddenly find that "talking to people online about it" was suddenly not as appealing as you had originally thought?

I that happened to me (Never would, because I'm always right! ) I'd probably be forced to allow for the fact they are correct, and it was ME who was being the ninny in whatever topic I posted.



:beers: