Why do we want to be loved?

[Nooj]

Genuinely puzzled.

 

[Eudaimonist]

Because we are human. It's a natural psychological need, probably related to our need for social interaction with people who care about our lives.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[Nooj]

You say need. If we don't love and aren't loved back, can we be healthy beings?

 

[quatona]

Define "love" for purposes of your question, please.

 

[Eudaimonist]

You say need. If we don't love and aren't loved back, can we be healthy beings?

http://www.tlu.ee/files/arts/8665/Love%206706ff426a63c57d3dbb3690d2d03fac.pdf

Abstract:

Love has consequences for health and well-being. Engaging in joyful activities
such as love may activate areas in the brain responsible for emotion, attention,
motivation and memory (i.e., limbic structures), and it may further serve to control
the autonomic nervous system, i.e., stress reduction. This specific CNS activity
pattern appears to exert protective effects, even on the brain itself. Moreover,
anxiolytic effects of pleasurable experiences may occur by promotion of an inhibitory
tone in specific areas of the brain. Thus, love and pleasure clearly are capable
of stimulating health, well-being and (re)productivity: This wonderful biological
instrument makes procreation and maintenance of organisms and their species a
deeply rewarding and pleasurable experience, thus ensuring survival, health, and
perpetuation.​

eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[tranz4md]

Define "love" for purposes of your question, please.

To define love: God is!

I was asked a very simple question once: If heaven and hell do exist, based on what you know about the two places, where would you want to spend eternity?

Personally and obviously it would be Heaven of course! Who wants to go to a place where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and screaming bodies that feel a continuous burning. Have you ever been burned? Magnify that pain to an ever eternal existence of that burning. We're talking forever burning.

Every soul is of great significance to the lover and creator of that soul...GOD!

Here is a poem I wrote and I pray there is something in it that will allow you to see through the eyes of Christ!!

With love and prayers that you will come to know your Creator God, your Heavenly Father, your Deliverer, and your Savior Jesus Christ!

Are you sure?

I’m pleading to Jesus man’s eyes be made clear; He gently responds, “Man lacks reverential fear.”
“He tramples underfoot My gift of grace; while living his life he gives Me no place.”
“Caught up in himself he glories on high; forgetting Calvary and passing Me by.”
“He receives the pardon then spits in My face; not fully understanding the meaning of grace.”
“Grace which delivered him from the pit of hell; yet still within his heart he chooses to rebel.”
“Casting me aside to fulfill his own plan; forgetting in the beginning I created man.”
I gave him life so he might live and love Me; yet he turns away unto his own ability.”
“He forsakes the One in whom he once put his trust; relying on himself and satisfying his lust.”
“As pride begins to swell in the vanity of man; I his Deliverer will hold back My hand.”
“No longer will My grace be bestowed on this man; but the wrath of God will soon strike this land.”
I’m pleading to Jesus man’s eyes be made clear; come to your senses and let your ear hear.
Don’t think yourselves wise within your own eyes; for the devil’s deceit will be your demise.
Repent of your sin and surrender your will; forfeit your right at Golgotha’s hill.
Give Christ your life in all that you do; for the broad path there’s many but the narrow there’s few.
Quit toying around with eternal life; for there’s only one way and it’s Jesus Christ.
He created you not to live your own way; but to surrender to Him and to trust and obey.
Time’s running out you keep playing with sin; thinking your ok and resting in Him.
Read the Scripture and be not deceived; for it’s accounted to man for what he believes!
Search deep within and ask God what’s inside; cast away haughtiness, arrogance, and pride.
For these three things will make a man fall; they will deafen your ear to our Father’s call.
This journey of life is uncertain at best; I pray to Jesus man passes the test.
Don’t listen to lies the devil will tell; for he wants to see you living in hell.
He knows his fate and where he must go; if he can take you he’ll put on a show.
He’ll tempt you and tease you, bewilder your mind; but the end result: you’ll be left behind.
Don’t let this be the fate of your soul; be sure of salvation and make this your goal.
Search the Scripture for the day is at hand; judgment is coming across this land.
God has been gracious but time has run out; we’ve reached the end of the age and of this there’s no doubt.
Please cast away sin and live life in His light; for He is very soon coming as a thief in the night.
Wendy Lester
​

 

[tranz4md]

Genuinely puzzled.

I believe the reason we want to be loved is because we were created in the image of God who is the personification of LOVE; God is love! And therefore, we have the innate desire to love and be loved. Be joyful and happy girl cuz:
GOD LOVES YOU

 

[Eudaimonist]

To define love: God is!

That's not a definition of love.

I was asked a very simple question once: If heaven and hell do exist, based on what you know about the two places, where would you want to spend eternity?

If the Shire and Mordor do exist, where would you want to spend eternity?


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[Jade Margery]

Getting hammered on hobbit weed, duh.

 

[Nooj]

Define "love" for purposes of your question, please.

Excellent point. When I wrote my question, the definition of love that I was thinking of was 'to will good for someone.' But I admit that love has a multitude of definitions.

 

[Received]

Let's try keeping to the definition of love as "to will good for someone."

Ostensibly, people want love because they want to be treated well. This refers to justice as well as simple utility: people would rather be treated well (or fairly) than unwell (or unfairly), and they would rather have an additional good than not have one.

If we don't love and aren't loved back, we may be healthy, but we're still missing out on goodness, again whether speaking in terms of justice or utility.

But that may all be too philosophical for the day-to-day meaning people have when they say they "want to be loved." As the Greek delineates a few main types of love, most people mean affection or erotic love, rather than the purer "will to good" mentioned above (arguably well-fitted for agape). They typically want these loves because they know what it is to have them and they currently don't have them, or at least not like they would like. This type of need for love is easily a facade for a demand for love, which means that love (of this sort) is very fitting for selfishness.

 

[quatona]

Excellent point. When I wrote my question, the definition of love that I was thinking of was 'to will good for someone.' But I admit that love has a multitude of definitions.

Sure, but I did mean to ask what you were thinking of when you asked the question. "To will good for someone" explains it quite well, I think.
Just like when you recently asked: "Why do we want to be happy?" I am tempted to respond "Isn´t that self-evident/obvious?", but of course I am aware that this is not an answer. I guess certain questions can not satisfactorily be answered. If you don´t want to be happy, if you don´t want others to will good for you, I am not going to attempt to change your mind.

Personally, I find that the idea that the people around me want good for me makes life much easier. I like to be trusting (which comes down to assuming/knowing that the other person wills good for me) and trusted (which means assuming/knowing that the other person assumes/knows that I will good for her). This assumption or knowledge shapes my thoughts, my feelings and my attitude in a positive way: I don´t have to worry.

Now, I am aware that with every reason I give you can keep asking "Why?" - "Why do you want life to be easy? Why do you want not to worry?" etc. etc. ad infinitum. That´s ok, but it leaves me with an impossible task. I guess in order to satisfactorily answer your question I would first have to ask "What kind of reason would you accept?", though.

 

[Jade Margery]

I think it may have something to do with being social animals. We feel safer in a group, because we -are- safer in groups, and the stronger the bond between the group members the safer you are. Someone who doesn't give a flying fart about you will leave you to a tiger if it saves their skin, but someone who loves you will help you get away or stay to face the beast beside you. Then you both get to live (hopefully) and your bond is even stronger.

Someone who feels unloved or uncared for can feel like their life is precarious even if they have a good job and a place to live and no serious material needs unmet. And in a way, they would be right. If I were snatched off the street tonight, I think the people who love me would know by at least the morning, if not sooner, and they would come full force looking for me. Someone who doesn't have anyone who loves them could fall into the same situation and be gone for days before a co-worker or neighbor thought to file a missing persons report.

When my boyfriend and I sleep curled up together, I always feel safer. From what? Nothing is going to get me in my own bed in a house full of people. But that security is still felt.

Being loved also affirms your worth as a member of the species. It means that someone else sees you as useful and important. An unloved person has no one to shore up their self esteem.

I think that's why we want love. We want to feel strong and safe and worthy.

 

[mindlight]

Why do we want to be loved?


Excellent point. When I wrote my question, the definition of love that I was thinking of was 'to will good for someone.' But I admit that love has a multitude of definitions.

Basic theological answer would be that we are designed to love so not loving in some sense dehumanises us and is an attempt at self- denial. I think broadly science concurs with the assessment that to love is psychologically more healthy and better for us than fear or hate for example.

But the utilitarian value of a love society as opposed to a hate or fear one is also obvious. People will good for one another, people seek what is best for themselves and others in such a place, there can be a mutual trust and confidence in others when we know that they love us.

But the other aspect of the question is the wanting. Someone who is loved does not "want" love cause its something that is assumed in their lifestyle. To want love is to exist in a state where love is not present in ones life. The question then raises what it is that is not to be loved in us, why do others fail to love us, why do we need their love or appreciation? In a way the question is a very secular human level one given your atheist icon and the way you seem to describe it. But a person can be loved without the existence of others as was Adam because he knew God. It is our defiance of God that alienates us from His love and leaves us feeling deprived of love in ourselves as His grace departs us.

Yet it was Gods judgment that man was not made to live alone and that plurality that exists in God was also necessary for mankind so that he/she might love as the Trinitarian God has always modelled love in the Eternal relationship of the Three Persons of God.

Thus we love because we were made to love and because the Creator of our being models love to us and expects to find and has designed us his creatures to be capable of this same love also.

 

[Nooj]

Warning, emo-ness ahead.

Just like when you recently asked: "Why do we want to be happy?" I am tempted to respond "Isn´t that self-evident/obvious?", but of course I am aware that this is not an answer. I guess certain questions can not satisfactorily be answered. If you don´t want to be happy, if you don´t want others to will good for you, I am not going to attempt to change your mind.

My desire for others to will good for me, causes me to get into all sorts of shenanigans so that other people will like me. The desire for me to be happy, leads me to pursuing temporary pleasures. I think that it'd be better for me if I didn't want to be happy and I didn't want to be loved.

I've realised just how unloving and unloved a person I am. This desire to be happy and appreciated is deeply selfish and motivates most everything I do. I wouldn't go so far as to say I only care about myself, but it's not far off.

I'm liking the sound of self-denial. What's so great about myself? On my worse days, I'm prone to self-loathing. But you know, self-loathing is indulgent as well. For the last couple of weeks, I've attempted to just be good to other people. I haven't succeeded a lot of the time, but hey at the very least, it's a different feeling from what I'm used to.

Let's try keeping to the definition of love as "to will good for someone."

Ostensibly, people want love because they want to be treated well. This refers to justice as well as simple utility: people would rather be treated well (or fairly) than unwell (or unfairly), and they would rather have an additional good than not have one.

If we don't love and aren't loved back, we may be healthy, but we're still missing out on goodness, again whether speaking in terms of justice or utility.

But that may all be too philosophical for the day-to-day meaning people have when they say they "want to be loved." As the Greek delineates a few main types of love, most people mean affection or erotic love, rather than the purer "will to good" mentioned above (arguably well-fitted for agape). They typically want these loves because they know what it is to have them and they currently don't have them, or at least not like they would like. This type of need for love is easily a facade for a demand for love, which means that love (of this sort) is very fitting for selfishness.

Is the desire for agape love also selfish? Not saying that's a bad thing. But wanting someone to love you sounds like you want some specific things from them for your benefit.

 

[quatona]

My desire for others to will good for me, causes me to get into all sorts of shenanigans so that other people will like me.

If you feel like it, please explain and give examples as to how your desire gets you into trouble. Just so I understand better.
Are you sure that it´s the desire itself that gets you into trouble, or maybe rather the strategies you use to pursue it?

The desire for me to be happy, leads me to pursuing temporary pleasures.

Well, that appears to be an example for the strategy (rather than the desire) being the problem. If you pursue happiness by means of pursuing temporary pleasure, your strategy is based on the assumption that temporary pleasure leads to happiness. Which at least might be mistaken (personally, I´d go so far to say that it´s downright wrong).

I think that it'd be better for me if I didn't want to be happy and I didn't want to be loved.

And if I´d ask you to replace this negative description (what you would not want) by describing what you would want?

I've realised just how unloving and unloved a person I am.

Hang on - you have realized that you don´t want good for others and others don´t want good for you? Really?

This desire to be happy and appreciated is deeply selfish and motivates most everything I do. I wouldn't go so far as to say I only care about myself, but it's not far off.

Let me create a scenario: Everybody (driven by the actually "selfish" desire to feel loved) does things that feeds the others´ (equally "selfish") desire to feel loved, and vice versa and so forth. Everyone (born out of "selfishness") acts lovingly and receives loving behaviour. Would you find any fault with this scenario?

Is the desire for agape love also selfish? Not saying that's a bad thing. But wanting someone to love you sounds like you want some specific things from them for your benefit.

Well, the great thing about caring and loving is that it benefits both the lover and the loved. This is not a zero-sum-game or something.

 

[Received]

Is the desire for agape love also selfish? Not saying that's a bad thing. But wanting someone to love you sounds like you want some specific things from them for your benefit.

Yeah, it does. It can be selfish, I'd say, depending on the gradation. You wouldn't call a person drowning selfish for pleading for a rope. At a biological level, the demand for love is hardwired; therefore, not fulfilling this basic demand is pretty mean. But this is all different than the autonomous soul who is capable of loving others. Loving others magnanimously presupposes a sort of sufficiently being-loved, and it seems like there's a point when loving and being loved are possible only if both are present.

 

[Nooj]

If you feel like it, please explain and give examples as to how your desire gets you into trouble. Just so I understand better.

All sorts of shenanigans is a bit of an exaggeration. Easy example, I find it hard to talk with other people. To overcome that, I drink a lot because I think that I'll be more of a fun person to be around if I'm drunk. But I can't be drunk forever.

Are you sure that it´s the desire itself that gets you into trouble, or maybe rather the strategies you use to pursue it?

Well, that appears to be an example for the strategy (rather than the desire) being the problem. If you pursue happiness by means of pursuing temporary pleasure, your strategy is based on the assumption that temporary pleasure leads to happiness. Which at least might be mistaken (personally, I´d go so far to say that it´s downright wrong).

You're right. Intellectually, I know you're right. But if I can't achieve lasting happiness, past experience has shown that I'll settle for temporary pleasure.

Take my drinking. I don't know how to change my personality so that I'm not so anti-social. I don't even know if it's possible to do that. But I do know that alcohol will do it for one night at least. It doesn't make me happy to know that I'm not the one getting the laughs and getting invited to parties, and that people love the other drunk me. But like I said, I can settle for temporary pleasure.

And if I´d ask you to replace this negative description (what you would not want) by describing what you would want?

Of course, I want to be happy. I want to know that things - that I - will be different in the future and that I'll be better.

But does it matter what I want? Isn't the more important question, can I accomplish what I want? Wishing and wanting is nice and all, but they're just that. Actually what I really want is the ability to realise my desires.

Hang on - you have realized that you don´t want good for others and others don´t want good for you? Really?

I'll get back to you on this after I've had some more thought about it.

Let me create a scenario: Everybody (driven by the actually "selfish" desire to feel loved) does things that feeds the others´ (equally "selfish") desire to feel loved, and vice versa and so forth. Everyone (born out of "selfishness") acts lovingly and receives loving behaviour. Would you find any fault with this scenario?

No, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Unless there's an imbalance, like when a person is unable or unwilling to love another person in the way that the other partner deserves.

I find that's true for me. Many of the people I hang around with are in happy, brilliant relationships. I find great joy just being around them and their happiness, but at the same time, I feel unbearably sad sometimes. I'm not conscious of myself being jealous (but then again, who knows what a person is really thinking). However, I know that I'm unable to do the things for other people in the way that 'normal' people can. I can't make a person happy, make them laugh or feel safe or even wanted, in the way that I want them to feel.

I know that relationships work, just as you've described, because I see it everyday. The problem is that I don't work. And I don't mean just romantically, but with friendships as well.

 

[Jade Margery]

I know that relationships work, just as you've described, because I see it everyday. The problem is that I don't work. And I don't mean just romantically, but with friendships as well.

*hug*

Give yourself some bloody time. Unless your displayed age is incorrect, you're twenty, yes? I'm only a few years older than you, and I can say this. The last few years my life my relationships have changed so drastically and in such unexpected ways that my twenty-year-old-self would probably never have believed it. And I expect they will keep changing (hopefully for the better) just as much for many years to come. It's not unusual to come out of high school and spend your first couple years as an adult feeling unloved and unliked, or worse, unlovable and unlikeable. Give yourself some time, and don't work so hard to try to be someone you're not. There ARE people out there who will love you for who you are rather than your drunken antics. The hard part is finding them, but take it from me--they are out there.

 

[GrowingSmaller]

Why do we want to be loved?

• We are evolved to experience happiness/positive value in what is beneficial for us* from an evolutionary persective.

• Seeking love increases such benefit, because people who love us care for our happiness.

• Therefore we are also probably evolved to seek love, because it is an indirect means of obtaining evolutionary benefit as it results in other people caring for our needs.

*things can go wrong and we can enjoy harmful pleasures, but the above is a good general rule.

Also we experience a love relationship (mutually caring for one another) accompanied by a positive feeling because it has evolved to be that way. If such relationships were experienced as negative we would be caused to avoid them, due to mental causation, and then we would not enjoy the benefits of being cared for because we would have avoided it. The rough idea is that the lover haters and their "wierd, carer averse genetics" died out long ago, but the ones who enjoyed the company of carers are the ones who survived and reproduced.

Also, love between man and woman has benefit for families, and this too benifits the genes passed on through the children because the general environment is more survival enhacing (as outlined above i.e. lovers are generally better off and can provide more for the kids).