Why do some people abuse their partner?

[encouraging loves animals]

Why do some males result in abuse there female partner?

Why do some females result in abuse to there male partners?

Have you every had a party and known one of the guests you have invited on your list is a victim of Domestic Violence?

Ways you encourage a Domestic Violence Victim to talk about their situation?


How can you help understand Domestic Violence Victims and there ways?

(i have a beautiful and loyal friend that is the victim of Domestic Violence.)Sometimes though I don't always understand why she responds the way she does. It hard not to get cross. But one day I did get cross as I travelled a far distance(Other side of town to see her and all she did was talk to her uncle in a language I couldn't understand and pay attention to my little sister Jasmine.)I figured out the reason after I told her off, she freaked out that I knew the truth about her situation.

How can I stop this from happening next time, when she won't talk?

 

[pokeyliz14]

Abuse is about needing to feel power over someone else and control them. Abusers control their victims by abusing them. This makes them feel more powerful. The reasons they do this vary. But I will say that the problem almost always goes much deeper than the actual act of abuse.

As for having a party and knowing that someone on my list is a domestic abuse victim. I have never had this happen. But I will say think if you didn't know that your friend was an abuse victim? You have no idea? How would you treat them? Just keep an eye on them and be there friend. Unless your help is asked for or a desperate situation arises where you are needed. Just be their friend which is what people especially abuse vicitims need. HOpe this helps.

 

[MsJL]

I deal only with the women and children who are targets/witness victims of DV, so that's the perspective I'm coming from, and the way I phrase my responses.

Abusers abuse because they give themselves permission to do so, based on their very faulty value/belief system. They are fully aware of what they do, why they do it, and they believe themselves - for whatever reason - to be entitled to both the belief system, and the behaviors which result from it.

The best way to assist an abuse target is to first, educate yourself on the issue and second, use that knowledge to assist her in reclaiming her identity (which is the main and most pressing loss within an abusive relationship).

I recommend two books, both by Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He do That?, and The Batterer as Parent.

Also, to better understand her position within the relationship - the way she thinks, the things which drive her that may seem so unreasonable and illogical at times - read up on both the Stockholm Syndrome (an emotional disorder), and PTSD, which is the physical disorder that abuse targets will often suffer from.

Hope that helps.

 

[lilymarie]

Why do some males result in abuse there female partner?

Why do some females result in abuse to there male partners?

Have you every had a party and known one of the guests you have invited on your list is a victim of Domestic Violence?

Ways you encourage a Domestic Violence Victim to talk about their situation?


How can you help understand Domestic Violence Victims and there ways?

(i have a beautiful and loyal friend that is the victim of Domestic Violence.)Sometimes though I don't always understand why she responds the way she does. It hard not to get cross. But one day I did get cross as I travelled a far distance(Other side of town to see her and all she did was talk to her uncle in a language I couldn't understand and pay attention to my little sister Jasmine.)I figured out the reason after I told her off, she freaked out that I knew the truth about her situation.

How can I stop this from happening next time, when she won't talk?

Sometimes it's passed from the parents to the child who then becomes an abuser.

This doesn't always have to be physical abuse, one can suffer verbal abuse being told "they are no good" or "useless" or whatever by their parents.

However, I don't think there is one standard for a "why", but there is some familial history involved in a lot of cases.

So this is why the abuser is often sent by the court system into therapy so that they can deal with the abuse they suffered and learn to conquer it before it becomes a cycle that gets repeated.

I think it could also stem from low self-esteem and the fact that an abuser has no control over their life, so they need to find control by asserting over someone else.

The person who was first abused needs to realize they are not worthless or whatever untrue things may have been told to them while growing up, and they need prayers for healing, too.

It's a sad situation all around. Hang in there encouraging angels, just keep praying for your friend and be there for her while she goes through her recovery.

I don't know exactly what you mean by "how you can stop it next time" (?) unless your friend 'hasn't' gotten out of the DV situation. If she hasn't, she needs to break away from that relationship. Is your friend still in this relationship?

 

[MsJL]

...I don't think there is one standard for a "why", but there is some familial history involved in a lot of cases.

That's true, but I just wanted to add that the link between certain abusive behaviors and childhood reenactments is weaker than was once thought.

Therapy is not successful with an abuser who is a psychopath . Anger management, for example, is a mistake - trying to teach an abuser to manage the anger that he is not entitled to (which is the true issue) is like giving clean needles to a heroin addict.

I think it could also stem from low self-esteem and the fact that an abuser has no control over their life, so they need to find control by asserting over someone else.

This one is a readily accepted idea, but the reality is that an abuser will often have way too much "self esteem" - and all of it inappropriate and unearned. The abuser regards himself as being specially entitled to live as he chooses, makes the rules up as he goes, and then rages when the rest of the world doesn't fall-to, and worship his thoughts and his feelings as he knows they are supposed to do.

Personally, I think it's a gargantuan martyr trip (read: Rage.)

There are a lot of misconceptions about the abusive mentality. The thing to keep in mind is, the problems lie within the batterer's value system - not his psychology. He's absolutely aware of what he's doing, and the effect. If anything, the effect of it is the reason he does it.

 

[lilymarie]

That's true, but I just wanted to add that the link between certain abusive behaviors and childhood reenactments is weaker than was once thought.

Therapy is not successful with an abuser who is a psychopath . Anger management, for example, is a mistake - trying to teach an abuser to manage the anger that he is not entitled to (which is the true issue) is like giving clean needles to a heroin addict.



This one is a readily accepted idea, but the reality is that an abuser will often have way too much "self esteem" - and all of it inappropriate and unearned. The abuser regards himself as being specially entitled to live as he chooses, makes the rules up as he goes, and then rages when the rest of the world doesn't fall-to, and worship his thoughts and his feelings as he knows they are supposed to do.

Personally, I think it's a gargantuan martyr trip (read: Rage.)

There are a lot of misconceptions about the abusive mentality. The thing to keep in mind is, the problems lie within the batterer's value system - not his psychology. He's absolutely aware of what he's doing, and the effect. If anything, the effect of it is the reason he does it.

I've never heard of that book "Rage", maybe you could share some excerpts from it.

As far as my experience, a value system has to come from "somewhere".

As far as anger management, I've seen it's constructive outcome; however, that does not mean more could be done, but with a million dollar a day war, new public assistance programs for the U.S. won't be happening any time soon, as a matter of fact, programs for people in need are being cut right and left... there just isn't enough money, and especially not with a million dollar a day war.

I just went to a type of hippie festival this past weekend. An arts and crafts, music and great food festival that occurs once a year. I bought a pin to wear on my jacket that says "Health Care not War!" How true is that! I have to say the wearing of that pin has definately been an eye opener and conversation starter as people have started to relate their stories to me of the decaying health assistance programs in the U.S. once they read the pin on my clothing.

But again, the main point is where does this "value system" come from?

The parents? The environment? The world?

What did the book say where this "value system" stems from?

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Speaking from experience, sometimes no matter what you say will ever strike a good chord. There are some days I don't want to get out of bed because memories replay, and those days there is no one who can budge me. Other days I am okay, except for landmines only God knows about because I don't even realize they're there.

Understanding and completely accepting is the only way to break the cycles, or at least ease it down.