Why do so many Christian marriages seem unhappy?

I'm a happy married Christian and I was a happy dating Christian. We dated a long time (our age required it), so we knew what we were getting into when we got married.
I'll throw a few amens in the direction of marriage being work, selfless, Christ centered and unrealistic expectations are made by some people.

I will climb the highest mountain for my love, guess what: getting married is living on top of that mountain. You want to be a mountain climber then get hitched. Why is she bored with the mountain, a puzzle for man?

I love my wife with mountain and kids and all. I would never have believed the complexity of marriage, but I accept her and my fate as married.

When the climb is over, you have a view, find your private relaxing moments to reflect. My wife is everything that I wanted and more, so I accept the challenges that come. I love her more.

contango said:

An awful lot of people think of their wedding day as the destination and from the moment they say "I do" everything will be sunshine and roses. Unfortunately when you take your wedding vows there are the inconvenient parts to consider as well - "for poorer", "in sickness", "for worse" as well as their better counterparts. It's easy to overlook the idea that entering into such a covenant with another person may well end up becoming a liability when seen from a purely selfish perspective.

Of course the world presents marriage as something that should be perfect all the time and if it ever ceases to be perfect you can just walk away into the arms of the new Mr/s Perfect and have another go. The world gives us the impression that we have an automatic entitlement to be satisfied with every part of our life and that any part of our life that isn't just how we want it can be pruned off the way we might prune a plant.

So it's hardly surprising that a lot of people are unhappy when the life they thought would be forever perfect turns out to be forever real. I'm not sure I'd say Christians are more or less prone to unhappiness when they realise that a successful marriage takes work, although certainly I'd hope Christians would be less quick to divorce and as a consequence of that would arguably be more prone to remain unhappy for the long term.

When I look at my own marriage there are times my wife annoys the heck out of me, and if you asked her she'd say the exact same about me. But despite all that neither of us would want to be without the other. So on that basis, yes, I am happy being married (as a Christian man married to a Christian woman, although neither of us were Christians when we got married). My life isn't perfect and probably never will be this side of heaven, but it would be a lot less perfect without my wife in it.

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And it adds no value to their life other than years of regret and wasted life because of a few NT scriptures taken out of context. I could not imagine getting to the end of my life living for 1 or 2 scriptures and find out they are mistranslated or out of context. No excuse for living in a unhappy marriage. Then the question becomes are you unhappy because of your own mental issues or becuase of specific behavior or lack of behavior on your spouses part.

Take the bible as a whole people. I guess if someone wanted to throw away their life over 2 sentences that have been translated over 2000 years then go for it but I wont. If a scripture is used against me in a way that lowers my quality of life then its suspect at best and total garbage most of the time. It does not matter the tense of the verb in the 3rd word, im not going to sabatoge my life over it. I also believe that God would not have us sabatoging our own lives either. Most of all the hoop la is on the sex stuff, sorry I just wont go there with people in real life.

Every marriage is different. Everyone views the married life differently. I had a lot of friends in similar situations. And I myself used to look at them like, dang...shouldnt my christian friends be happy in their marriages? Enjoy intimacy, have fun and enjoy eachother? I am a newlywed now and I see why soo many of them were missing soo much in their marriage...I found out that its because there is no communication, both people are on different planes of life, something devastating happend in their marriage and it hardly got better, and they are missing out on the small important things that also make up a marriage. U have to make time for ur spouse to talk, laugh, play around, make love, enjoy everyday u have with them. And as time goes, u will learn how to take and grab all of the good things that u see from your friends' marriages and all of the bad, u can disregard, because no marriage is the same and everyone has different reasons for why their marriages are the way that they are.

Gabe7 said:

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

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I'm not Christian, but I do have a Christian background. Both sets of my grandparents were happily married for over 50 years, and my parents have been married for nearly 40 years. I believe marriage is what you make of it.

Sometimes you have to do it a few times to get it right. However that would generate alot of drama in the church.

Why do so many Christian marriages seem unhappy?

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Many people get married for the wrong reasons--and without doing what the Bible says which includes FASTING & PRAYING. They do what THEY want to, sometimes make a mess & ask God to Bless it.

Others get wrapped up in Prudish ideas that somehow take on the notion that Christians can't do this or that (like have fun) & put to many pre-conceived notions on their spouses that they can not possibly live up to.

Most people study more to take a driver's license test than they do BEFORE they marry and then wonder why they are unappy most of the time.

yep. still happy. Husbands not interested & no sex from the woman does not have anything to being a christian.

I am very happy being married. I too, think many couple rush into marriage and do it for the wrong reasons or feel that's just what you do after you've been together for awhile. My husband and I are best friends and are not afraid to hurt each others feelings. Meaning if something is bothering one of us we tell each other and work it out. Communication is key, my husband and I talk about anything and everything, all the time.

Stephen Kendall said:

I will climb the highest mountain for my love, guess what: getting married is living on top of that mountain. You want to be a mountain climber then get hitched. Why is she bored with the mountain, a puzzle for man?

I love my wife with mountain and kids and all. I would never have believed the complexity of marriage, but I accept her and my fate as married.

When the climb is over, you have a view, find your private relaxing moments to reflect. My wife is everything that I wanted and more, so I accept the challenges that come. I love her more.

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Lots of climbers end up frozen on top of mountains out in the cold.

Gabe7 my friend, let me tell you bout the birds and the bees. As a man who works, assuming you do, you will make more money as you get older. The woman you marry will probably be the most beautiful when you marry her and over the years her beauty will fade. That my friend is the marriage condition. Embrace it if you want to but never look back doubting you were told what you were getting into.

I myself was warned about it on a redeye flight from California to North Carolina when I was 18. The record company exec shared his scotch knowledge about life with me and he was right about most of it. He was right about all of it that I can recall. Did you know the bill board charts are a sham because the record companies make deals with radio stations to get them to play their music so their music goes up in the charts. Old Leonard Cohen called it, 'Everybody knows the dice are loaded...'

Gabe7 said:

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

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I posted on another forum about the work the Lord has done in mine and my wife's life.

If you'd asked me at any point during my marriage if I was better off being married or single, I'd say being married. God blesses some people with a gift to be celibate for life. I am someone he has gifted to be a husband, and I love my wife.

Recently, the Lord has been dealing with my wife and I about various issues. With me, he's been dealing with me about my need to lead the family and rule my household well. He's also dealt with me about keeping a pure thought life. With my wife, he's recently taught her some things about respecting me, speaking blessings and not cursings, and submitting to and respecting me as her husband. Since the Lord dealt with those things recently, our love has been just as intense as when we first got married. It's great.

Except for normal hindrances of life and marriage (e.g. healing up after childbirth) with a few bumps along the way, we have been blessed with a sex life that I thank God for. It's been a lot more enjoyable recently since the Lord dealt with these issues. Right after having our first child, our sex life took a hit longer than it took for my wife to heal up. She had post partum blues, lived in a foreign country to her, with her in-laws, and I was unemployed, and the stress affected us sexually, but we recovered from that.

My advice for a woman would be to find a godly man who will love you like Christ loves the church. Also, find a man you believe you will be able to submit to in all things as unto the Lord. A submissive respectful attitude and a meek and quiet spirit are really important to the marriage.

For a man, my advice would be to find a woman you can love like Christ loves the church, a woman who would submit to you in all things as unto Christ, who has a meek and quiet spirit, and who respects you. I think it is good to discuss all the issues and the importance of maintaining these attitudes and behaviors in marriage.

If you are concerned about a sexless marriage, if you get far enough along into a relationship you may wish to discuss I Corinthians 7, and see if the potential partner will take seriously the command not to defraud one's partner.

Gabe7 said:

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

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I would say more than anything else it is this:
1st Peter 3:Likewise you husbands, dwell with them (your wives) according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife......

Not to make light of it but my former boss had a big hardback coffee table book. The title was "Everything I know About Women." When you open it up the pages are empty. That is the issue though. We are an ignorant generation. I would also guess that 85% of divorce is the mans fault. For the reason listed above, ignorance, ie not purposeful. The good news is allot of churches are focusing in on the problem. Two years ago the divorce rate even leveled off for the first time since no fault.

I didn't really read much of the replies, so I'll just answer in my own opinion...

Because marriage is really hard work. It causes you to examine yourself in ways you never have to as single. Things you discover about yourself are often jarring and upsetting and REALLY HARD TO CHANGE. As a Christian, you're held to a higher standard than the world, which means that even tho you want to leave the situation, you are held accountable to God for doing your absolute best to honor the institution as He intended.
Honestly, I think just as many non Christians are just as unhappy if not more so, but they use other means of staying happy as INDIVIDUALS (Ie: bad marriage, but a spouse has a happy appearance because they are having an exciting affair with someone else, or it's a bad marriage, but both spouses live their lives for their jobs, which they both love, so they are happy being successful in those jobs. )
As Christians, we know our marriage should mirror that of Christ and the church: intimate, sacrificial, loving,devoted, etc. In society, marriage is often simply a "roommate"scenario with sex and sometimes shared finances. Now, which one takes more work? But which one has the most potential for true happiness and closeness to God ?

Glory be!

The answer to the question in the OP can be said in two words: bad teaching.

Gabe7 said:

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

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Guy's stop being "The Catch" once they get married, stop being a challenge for the wife, and stop teasing her and put the wife on a pedestal.

The fact of the matter is most males, are not men. Women are sexually attracted to men, not boys. The Church raises boys, sadly not men.

Daniel Martinovich said:

1st Peter 3:Likewise you husbands, dwell with them (your wives) according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife......

Not to make light of it but my former boss had a big hardback coffee table book. The title was "Everything I know About Women." When you open it up the pages are empty. That is the issue though. We are an ignorant generation. I would also guess that 85% of divorce is the mans fault. For the reason listed above, ignorance, ie not purposeful. The good news is allot of churches are focusing in on the problem. Two years ago the divorce rate even leveled off for the first time since no fault.

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Women initiate over 75% of divorces. It takes two to tango, and ultimately I think Men are responsible in the larger sense.

- As Men we have let feminism completely destroy the institution of marriage as well as the Christian Church.
-Women are not held to any kind of standards in society. If a woman molests a child, it must of been under the direction of a man. If she murders her husband, he must of been abusing her. Forget the fact, that women have murdered over 50 million children over the 30 years via abortions, we are all sinful, no one is better than the other.
-The fallacy that woman are unknowable. Women like Men are controlled by their biological imperatives. Men want to sleep with young, beautiful women and lot's of them too. Women are hypergamous, they want the next-bigger-better deal, which is why often a female will flirt with a male with a better provision ability or is seen as more of a Man.
-One thing men need to understand is that biologically women when they are choosing a mate, are looking for the one who will be the best provider, protecter (Beta Male Provider) and the best DNA (Alpha Protector) and are constantly testing her partner to see if he still has the characteristics that attracted her in the first place.

A few tips to ensure a happy marriage.

-Lead spiritually.
-Tease your wife.
-Don't bow down to your wife's demands. For a happy marriage, the wife wife must respect/trust the husband. If you always get weak when she tests you, manipulates you, she will lose respect for you (her legs will snap shut) if you can't pass her subconscious tests, how are you going to defend the family, or resist temptation from other females.
-Show your wife that your still desired by other females by being charming.
-Stay fit. If you stay fit and healthy, your wife will follow your lead. Plus think of your children, its imperative that we put a stop to the obesity epidemic in this country.

Please delete! Wrong post!

Created2Write said:

Personally, I'm happier as a married Christian, than I was as a single Christian.

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Same here - meeting my wife to be was the start of a better life.

hope deferred makes the heart sick. Unhappiness comes from hopes not being fulfilled. How do you solve disappointment? By being loving, forgiving, accepting, encouraging, working at it, and asking for directions from the Lord. I would add marrying the right women.

One of the requirements that I had in a wife was that she had mission experience and or was willing to go to the mission field. My thinking was that if a women was committed to Jesus she would not have a problem being committed to me.

I have been married 24 years and there has not been 1 of those years, Or a month that I was better off being single. We don't hold a grudge. We get the disagreements out right away.

If you live simply and not go into debt there will be less stress in the marriage. Give money away to the work of the Lord. And pray that your heart is for the Lord and not a selfish life.

If both look to Jesus in serving Him they will be less likely to look at each other and be dissatisfied.