Why do I have to be like this?

[drag3049]

I am seriously so sick of this. I hate myself so much. When has anyone ever said anything negative about aspergers? Yes, I have depression, but I'm convinced that aspergers has ceated it. I hate living, I hate myself, I wish I could just vanish from existence. I don't really care. If I had 100% assurance that I would be going to heaven if I took my life, I would so do it. What's keeping me alive? The stupid crap that the assembly of God believe that if I commit suicide, I go to hell. Well thanks a lot! I can't do anything with my life. Every time I try something new, I become overwhelmingly anxious. Yes, u probably think this is depression. Well, I'm pretty sure aspergers is the depression. I am so sick of my life and I hate it and I don't care what any of you think. U can say the most loving thing, and it won't make a difference.

God, I don't wana be a missionary. I don't want to go back to YWAM and do an SBS. Why are you telling me to do missions? I hate it! Is this why I can't get into anything at all? cuz God is telling me I have to be a missionary? I just want to be able to have a good job, and live a normal life and be happy with my job. EVERYTHING I have tried, I have hated. "Go do an SBS and find some direction!". u really think I'm going to make a difference doing that BS! I'm such a lousy christian and God is very unhappy with me for not doing what he wants me to.

I will be so [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed if this somehow gets to them! I don't care. I will say the worst things I can about myself. I don't see the point of being here. This stupid! It's unfair that I can't have to choice to simply vanish from existence. There is nothing that I can do to fix this. I am so messed up and I'm so sick of me.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME A WORTHLESS SINNER! IF U LOVE ME AT ALL, YOU WOULD TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE AND REMOVE ME FROM EXISTENCE. I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HEAVEN, BUT IF THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE, SIMPLY MAKE ME VANISH FOREVER! NOT TO HELL, BUT TO NO WHERE! I DON'T WANA BE HERE. IF GOD LOVED ME AT ALL, HE WOULD DO THIS!

LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME. WHAT WERE U THINKING? WHAT WERE U THINKING TO CREATE ME? WHY DID U DO THIS? WHY DID U HAVE TO HURT ME MY ALLOWING ME TO EXIST. IM ONLY A CREATURE THAT CAN SUFFER IN MY OWN HURT. I CANNOT HAVE JOY.

 

[LOCO]

Hello drag3049,

Please try to keep positive.

You can have joy.

You can have success.

You are in good company. The following people have Aspergers:

- Bill Gates
- Michael Palin from Monty Python
- Sir Alfred Hitchcock
- Einstein
- Sir Isaac Newton
- Michaelangelo
- Mozart
- Jim Henson (created the Muppet Show)
- Dan Ackroyd
- Beethoven
- Thomas Edison


Check out this 15yo kid who made the top 3 on X-Factor Australia last week.

He has Aspergers. He was bullied. He is now a success.


The X Factor 2011 Auditions - Declan Sykes - YouTube

Declan Sykes - From Bullies To Beyonce - The X Factor Australia 2011 - Today Tonight - YouTube

 

[dayhiker]

I'd be interested in hearing the story of why you think God wants you to be a missionary.

 

[drag3049]

Sorry i went a little over the top here. I was pretty moody last night. Its wierd, cuz after all that crap i was going through last night, i just felt super relaxed and peaceful when i went to bed. Im wondering if God sent his angels down to comfort me.

 

[drag3049]

Wow that's cool i appreciate that. I guess i struggle with a lot of other things besides aspergers tho.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

Hello drag3049,

Please try to keep positive.

You can have joy.

You can have success.

You are in good company. The following people have Aspergers:

- Bill Gates
- Michael Palin from Monty Python
- Sir Alfred Hitchcock
- Einstein
- Sir Isaac Newton
- Michaelangelo
- Mozart
- Jim Henson (created the Muppet Show)
- Dan Ackroyd
- Beethoven
- Thomas Edison


Check out this 15yo kid who made the top 3 on X-Factor Australia last week.

He has Aspergers. He was bullied. He is now a success.

I really don't understand when people list off successful people who are proposed to have had aspergers. Success doesn't bring joy or fulfillment. I am pretty successful in my career and let's just say I earn allot of money. It doesn't bring me joy. I'd happily give some of it up to be able to form relationships. Success and money doesn't fix it.

 

[drag3049]

I really don't understand when people list off successful people who are proposed to have had aspergers. Success doesn't bring joy or fulfillment. I am pretty successful in my career and am in the top 10% income bracket for the state I live in. It doesn't bring me joy. I'd happily give some of it up to be able to form relationships. Success and money doesn't fix it.

Ya kinda agree, i just find it difficult sometimes.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

Michael Palin from Monty Python

Really?!? I love Monty Python. Going to have to go rewatch my collection now and keep my eye out for it.

 

[drag3049]

Really?!? I love Monty Python. Going to have to go rewatch my collection now and keep my eye out for it.

Haha im actually going to see a play for that soon called spamolot. Anyway, don't wana cause a bunny trail here.

 

[LOCO]

I really don't understand when people list off successful people who are proposed to have had aspergers. Success doesn't bring joy or fulfillment. I am pretty successful in my career and let's just say I earn allot of money. It doesn't bring me joy. I'd happily give some of it up to be able to form relationships. Success and money doesn't fix it.

What makes you think that I am equating money with success and/or joy?

Is it because I mentioned the name Bill Gates? I find it interesting that all you see is $$ signs when his name is mentioned.

I think of Bill in terms of his philanthropic work.

If you read my post without your 'self pitying' glasses on, you'd see I mentioned success and joy separately - you are the one that chose to interpret that as equating success with money and then money with joy.

The OP was questioning why he was put on Earth when to him he appears to only experience suffering with his Aspergers. I'm merely pointing out that he is not alone, there is a life purpose for everyone including those with Aspergers.

I also find it interesting that you choose to BOAST that you earn a LOT of money. Frankly, I don't care how much money you earn.

How much of it do you give away to the needy, that's a rhetorical question, don't answer it. We don't want you falling into the trap of receiving earthly kudos and rewards.

Most of the people on my list earned a pittance, most contributed BACK to humanity in one form or another. Most found the joy in being able to give to the less fortunate.

 

[C-Man]

The prophet Jeremiah cursed the very day he was born, and cursed the man who brought news of his birth to his father.

 

[drag3049]

The prophet Jeremiah cursed the very day he was born, and cursed the man who brought news of his birth to his father.

Ok, obviously im low on my knowledge. Go on! Why did he curse himself being born? I have always viewed that as the worst sin i could possibly commit. What i just said was very extreme and probably very concerning. is God going to forgive me for what i said?

 

[C-Man]

Read Lamentations. It'll explain it better than I could.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

What makes you think that I am equating money with success and/or joy?

Is it because I mentioned the name Bill Gates? I find it interesting that all you see is $$ signs when his name is mentioned.

I think of Bill in terms of his philanthropic work.

If you read my post without your 'self pitying' glasses on, you'd see I mentioned success and joy separately - you are the one that chose to interpret that as equating success with money and then money with joy.

The OP was questioning why he was put on Earth when to him he appears to only experience suffering with his Aspergers. I'm merely pointing out that he is not alone, there is a life purpose for everyone including those with Aspergers.

I also find it interesting that you choose to BOAST that you earn a LOT of money. Frankly, I don't care how much money you earn.

How much of it do you give away to the needy, that's a rhetorical question, don't answer it. We don't want you falling into the trap of receiving earthly kudos and rewards.

Most of the people on my list earned a pittance, most contributed BACK to humanity in one form or another. Most found the joy in being able to give to the less fortunate.

I was just following your lead. All your examples of successful people are people who are/were financially successful. Therefore you were knowingly or not knowingly equating the two. Provide an example of someone who is successful and was/is not financially well off.

 

[LovedSparrow]

LOCO, thank you for posting those two videos. They blessed me today! <3

 

[drag3049]

LOCO, thank you for posting those two videos. They blessed me today! <3

Ya i thought they were quite neat

 

[TheChristianAspie]

Hi OP. I hope that you are feeling better.

Wow, some of the things you said are things that I said at some point! I used to say that I wasn't meant for this world.

It just seems so hard sometimes, doesn't it?

But, know this, God loves you just as you are. There is no doubt in my mind that on that night, Jesus did indeed send His angels to comfort you. I am glad you reached out and were so honest. I have felt that way too.

God has called me to write. I have written two books on being a Christian with Asperger's Syndrome. I am writing several others right now.

But lately, He has been pressing me to actually "be social" <GASP!> by visiting churches and groups and speaking about how God has worked in my life and changed me, bridging the gap between Asperger's and NTs (in me). I am NOT social! In fact, I sort of argued (with God, yeah, like I am going to win that one <sarcasm>) that I couldn't socialize and visit churches and speak to groups (where I would have to talk to people afterwards) and He said, "Yes, you can." Yes, He has called me to something I am a little nervous about, but I will follow wherever He leads.

HE CHANGED ME! I still struggle with the Asperger's challenges, but it is different. I know it has purpose and I know that He is right there with me. I am not alone any more! He knows what it is like to suffer and have people not understand Him, be afraid of Him and even hate Him. He knows what it is like to be different and not fit in (not that He was interested in fitting in). In other words, He knows just how I feel because He has been there. He knows how cruel the world can be.

I am walking in His steps.

Please, hang in there. Please be encouraged. If you want to read about a Christian with Asperger's, find the blog, The Christian Aspie. You can also look for the book "Fringe: My Life as a Spirit-Filled Christian with Asperger's Syndrome." It is free. It will help you to know that you are not alone, not a freak (I always thought I was) and that God loves you SO MUCH (He put us here on the same forum so that you could find others like you who love you like Christ loves you).
Stephanie

 

[jason taylor]

Ok, obviously im low on my knowledge. Go on! Why did he curse himself being born? I have always viewed that as the worst sin i could possibly commit. What i just said was very extreme and probably very concerning. is God going to forgive me for what i said?

He lived his life scorned and mocked, and then saw his city sacked by conquerors.

But one doesn't have to go through that to feel that way. And even Jesus said "Why hast thou forsaken me."

 

[flowerforever7]

@ Drag3049 - What do you really like to do? That may have something to do with God's calling for you. I HIGHLY suggest you read the book S.H.A.P.E. by Erik Rees; it talks about how all of us have Spiritual Gifts, Heart (what we're passionate about or care about), Abilities, Personality & Experiences. He delves deeply into helping people find their purpose in life and serving God through their own S.H.A.P.E.

@ The Christian Aspie / Stephanie: I would really like to check out your two books. Where can I get them? You mentioned the name of one what is the name of the other one?

Thanks.

 

[gracechick]

I read some of your blog and can relate. Keep writing so we can discuss our struggles and victories amongst ourselves and share with NTs