"Why can't mommy be home with us"

[BlueJay83]

Oh boy,
My 7 year old son is beginning to ask why his mother can't be home with us anymore. She has moved to her mothers and the kids are with me during the week. They go to her on weekends. Infact I droped them off this morning and he's phoned me twice asking to come home because he's bored. I'm going back to pick him up tonight.

I feel so sorry for the little guy, the other two younger ones haven't really caught on that things are "over" between us, as she has been "in and out" of the home allot recently so they expect her to be away..

I haven't sat down and said we aren't together anymore as our decision to remain permanently separated is still somewhat in the balance.
I don't want to tear him apart by telling him we aren't together anymore, so far I've just deflected it and said it's "for a holiday" and I've explained a little to him about BiPolar and said she's just having a break.

How did you deal with, or explain to your kids why you have separated?

 

[FaithPrevails]

You tell them the truth in love. IOW, you tell them the truth - but just what they need to know and are old enough to understand.

It's good that you've explained to him about the BiPolar. As for addressing why she isn't home with you right now, only you know the details of your situation that would be appropriate to share.

For me, my ex was getting increasingly abusive and we fought all.the.time. So, when my oldest started asking why we didn't live with Daddy anymore, I simply stated that Mommy and Daddy fight a lot when they live together in the same house. Then, I asked him how it made him feel when we fought - his response was basically that it didn't make him feel good or it made him feel scared. Then, I would tell him that I didn't want him to feel bad or scared...and that I didn't want to feel that way, either...so we weren't going to live with Daddy anymore. Then I reassured him that we both still loved him and my other kiddo very much - and that would never change.

He was about 4-5 at the time and he was satisfied with that response, b/c he did remember well the things he witnessed when we were still with my ex.

As he has gotten older, he will sometimes state that he wished we all still lived together, but he seems to have accepted that we can't.

 

[BlueJay83]

thanks, i've done that for my 7 year old.. he seemed to accept it.


this sux

my former business partner and I were talking the other day, and her son was saying the same thing.
"I wish we could all be together" She actually sent them off to counseling too.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Why don't you tell him the truth? Jerking him around by not answering his question is kind of messed up.

 

[BlueJay83]

Why don't you tell him the truth? Jerking him around by not answering his question is kind of messed up.

"mummy did kissy stuff with another man and doesn't love me anymore, she also just wants to do her own thing and doesn't think she wants to look after you because you're too stressful and she can't cope with you"

at 7 that's not going to be a good thing to hear... even if it's worded nicely.

They have accepted she's gone after I explained it in a child friendly way like FP's post describes.

At dinner time they always compete to "pray for the food first"... they also thank God for other stuff too.
She wasn't mentioned tonight.

 

[Autumnleaf]

"mummy did kissy stuff with another man and doesn't love me anymore, she also just wants to do her own thing and doesn't think she wants to look after you because you're too stressful and she can't cope with you"

at 7 that's not going to be a good thing to hear... even if it's worded nicely.

They have accepted she's gone after I explained it in a child friendly way like FP's post describes.

At dinner time they always compete to "pray for the food first"... they also thank God for other stuff too.
She wasn't mentioned tonight.

If you tell him you love him and like being with him then the truth will have less sting. As it is you are undermining his trust in you by being less that honest with him. Don't do that. If he learns he can trust you now then he will remember that later. If he learns you are a coward now then he will remember that later too. My father tried to spare my feelings and because of it I didn't learn the truth for a long time. He covered for a cheating wife when it was obvious what she was, even at 7 I knew by the men she brought home. I thought he was some kind of moron until I learned the truth. Just be truthful and it will be easier for everyone. Your son will also know who he can and can't rely on which is important to know.

 

[pdudgeon]

Why don't you tell him the truth? Jerking him around by not answering his question is kind of messed up.

because some things like infidelity are suposed to be just betwen a wife and husband. dragging the kids into that won't do them any good, but it will set them up for all sorts of their own relational problems down the road. Telling them that "Mommy loves someone else now" also won't do them any good because then they will start to wonder if Mommy could love some other kids instead of them. Or what's worse, they will wonder what they did wrong that Mommy doesn't love them any more. Again, that sets up all sorts of relational problems down the road.

so yes, telling the kids that mommy has decided to go somewhere else to be quiet and think about some problems for a while is probably best at that age.
it acknowledges that she's gone, but it doesn't close the door on her return, nor does it load the blame on anyone.

 

[Conservativation]

because some things like infidelity are suposed to be just betwen a wife and husband. dragging the kids into that won't do them any good, but it will set them up for all sorts of their own relational problems down the road. Telling them that "Mommy loves someone else now" also won't do them any good because then they will start to wonder if Mommy could love some other kids instead of them. Or what's worse, they will wonder what they did wrong that Mommy doesn't love them any more. Again, that sets up all sorts of relational problems down the road.

so yes, telling the kids that mommy has decided to go somewhere else to be quiet and think about some problems for a while is probably best at that age.
it acknowledges that she's gone, but it doesn't close the door on her return, nor does it load the blame on anyone.

Right, although its screwed up....its true....we cant dis mommy.

Check PAS for how to dis daddy.

 

[Autumnleaf]

because some things like infidelity are suposed to be just betwen a wife and husband. dragging the kids into that won't do them any good, but it will set them up for all sorts of their own relational problems down the road. Telling them that "Mommy loves someone else now" also won't do them any good because then they will start to wonder if Mommy could love some other kids instead of them. Or what's worse, they will wonder what they did wrong that Mommy doesn't love them any more. Again, that sets up all sorts of relational problems down the road.

so yes, telling the kids that mommy has decided to go somewhere else to be quiet and think about some problems for a while is probably best at that age.
it acknowledges that she's gone, but it doesn't close the door on her return, nor does it load the blame on anyone.

No, keeping sins a secret from people who are directly affected by the undesirable consequences of them is called lying. Lying to protect someone's reputation is called wrong. People who do it are called liars. If a man lies to a child in order to protect the reputation of his ex he becomes a partner in her sin.

 

[McScribe]

Tell him the basic reality. You and your wife agreed to not be together for a while because you need space to decide if you a going to stay married or not. Leave out the sex stuff, which he may or may not understand anyway. Tell him that each of his parents still love him and that's why he spends time at different houses. No matter what happens you will both always love him. Tell him that. Tell him that he doesn't need to do anything other than what he's already doing, that he's a good boy and he means a lot to you. Tell him you know it's a hard time for him too and he can talk to you about it anytime.

 

[Conservativation]

No, keeping sins a secret from people who are directly affected by the undesirable consequences of them is called lying. Lying to protect someone's reputation is called wrong. People who do it are called liars. If a man lies to a child in order to protect the reputation of his ex he becomes a partner in her sin.

The thing is, HE didnt "drag the kids into this"......she did. Id say the same, shoes reversed.

I wonder what the integrity police would say about this...those folks who say they hate liars, that so called lies of omission are lies, that lying they cannot stand, they can take anything BUT lying.....wish one of those would comment