Why are you still single?

[Stanfi]

I am wondering why do you think that you are still single? especially if you are over 25. I have come into contact with a lot of great people who are over 25, and still single, and I think Lord, why have you not blessed them with someone. They seem so deserving to me. To be honest this really puzzles me. It is one of those things the devil uses on me to really question God.

Personally, I feel that God (in the past year) has greatly worked oh my emotional and spiritual majurty. Molding me into something worth having.

What about you? Why do you think you are still single? Has God been working on you? or is there some other reason.

 

[stray bullet]

Mine is personal issues. I also have trouble letting people get close to me.

 

[KeilCoppes]

What about you? Why do you think you are still single? Has God been working on you? or is there some other reason.

Good question. In the ultimate sense of things, I'm not privy to the secret will of God, and don't have much clarification on the topic from the revealed will of God. I see a lot about obedience, goals, qualities, and attitudes in scripture, but not much on reasons. The closest I do get is that God _does_ have a reason.

I do know that it's been a blessing to me in some aspects that God has not blessed me with a wife so far - I've grown a bit, and still struggle with things. If I had been married earlier (like about seven years ago), it would have been likely to become an idol to me. If I need to be perfect to be married, though, it's not going to happen.

From the human side of things, though, I can understand some of the logistics. I grew up a pastor's son in western PA, and being a studious, obedient, upright, non-atheletic person (at the time) was unthinkable in the local backwoods culture, so I was practically a social outcast, even in the local christian school. We moved to Denver when I was 14. During high-school and college I was very career focused, with the plan to develop the skills to support a family. I was also still very non-atheletic and not very dynamic while attending the Lutheran high-school. The girls tended to go after the jocks (per the jerk formula), and it wasn't until college that I really found myself. Also, I'm a very old-fashioned reformed presbyterian of the solidly bible-believing type, and our churches tend to be very small (= not many girls around). I've always looked for solid bible-believing Christian people, and most of the people I met couldn't have cared less about living for the Lord, or what scripture has to say about life.

Plus, I've always wanted to have a relationship with someone who is not just playing with life and satisfying their own desires (and has a twinkle in their eye anyway). Honestly, I've just never met anyone that I was truly interested in that was ready to have a life relationship - many talk a good story, but have no interest in moving anywhere, or taking a chance to really get to know someone. At the same time, I have responsibilities to my parents (the oldest child and responsible to care for them in their old age), and my church, where I am a major supporter.

I really don't meet all that many people on a dating basis, or even many christian single people to speak of. Although it only takes one, it's hard to meet the right person if you don't even meet much of any! At one point, my sister and I were down to counting 'sightings' of single Christian folks of appropriate gender! (I actually had more sightings last year than I had in the previous five, but most of the fish were swimming in pairs or weren't hungry for any bait - just lots of bobbers!). I sometimes wonder if there truly are any down-to-earth bible-believing Christian single women who would be interested in an intelligent, hard-working, committed, fit, single Christian, non-party guy who enjoys the deeper things of life (friends, family, nature, thought, sharing, etc) still exist (one of those rare NT types).

Maybe I'm just 'too picky' wanting someone with similar qualities, goals, and commitments to spend my life with. If I were a non-christian jerk I'd lively have been married and unhappy years ago - even reportedly Christian women tend to go that route. God has blessed me in protecting me both from being a jerk and from being unhappily married. I get consistent "you'll make a wonderful"'s and "really great guy"'s from single women - just no takers. I had a pair of really good bites this year, but they fizzled out. Each was a positive learning experience that just wasn't going to go forward (even when they said they were!). :^)

Anyway, you keep working on finding people, living, learning, do whatever you can, and stay open for providential lightning bolts. Beyond that, it's in God's hands! Hope it adds to your statistics, mrstace!

-kc

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"ROUS's? Just like sincere and committed christian single women, I don't think they exist..."
-kc​

 

[Injured Soldier]

Good question Mrstace. As Keil's analysis of his singleness is on multiple levels, so is mine.

On a human level, I have no bait to catch ANY fish, much less a good one. And if I don't want to just settle for any girl, while I see good and a worthwhile person in everyone, if I went out with a girl and we just argue and tempt each other in our commitment to God the whole time we go out, well I don't want to waste her or my time. I don't have a lot that girls are looking for: even my mum agrees that I'm ugly, I am of only average intelligence in most areas, I'm not crative or artistic nor talented, I don't have a car or even a licence (I'm not even sure if I spelt that correctly!), I'm of low socioeconomic status, the only job I've had so far that I excelled at I was forced to give away, I can't dance, don't play sport, and have a physical disability and emotional problems. And that's the short list of my problems from a human perspective. The only thing I have going for me currently is that I know Jesus and trust in him all the time, and even the most Christian girl won't fall in love with that trait without at least some of the other stuff.

It's incredibly hard looking beyond that human side of things. I lie awake at nights thinking about this stuff, and it's hard enough trusting friends that they care for me, much less a relationship. Like if a girl is looking at me for longer than two seconds, the first thing that pops into my head is "Do I have a huge booger hanging from my nose?". So I guess trust is a huge problem for me in a relationship.

I also have this horrible fear of many things. Fear of rejection. Fear of abusing someone's trust if they share how they feel with me. Fear I will lose a friend. Fear that the next girl I ask will be thinking she's tired of being lonely, so she decides to settle for the next guy who comes along (of course the end is I fall in love with her, and she gets a better prospect, leaving me heartbroken). Fear that a girl will look past my ugly exterior for the good things inside, and then one day find out I have no good things inside that she wants. So I reason that if I see a girl I like (there are few girls at church, but all are my friends and I would gladly spend my enitire life with any of them in a heartbeat, but I know that I'm not what they are looking for. The girls at uni are non-christians mostly. So the prospects I have are girls I meet at Christian parties or churches I visit) that seems to like me, there are two options: I can pursue her or I can let her go. Which is better, to let her go and have her think of me as a guy she met at a party she really enjoyed talking to, or to pursue her and find out she doesn't like me at all. Man, I just realised I have a lot of wierd fears. Ever since I've gotten sick, my fears are all jumbled up: I'm not scared of dying, spiders or pain, but I am scared of girls, large social situations and falling out of bed while I'm asleep (all a foot and a half to the ground!).

I make friends with girls too easily, and don't want to ruin the friendship. Every time I hang out with a friend of the opposite sex, I always imagine Peppermint Patty's line in a Peanuts cartoon I once saw - "OK Chuck, if you want to go out with me I'll let you take me to the movies. But don't try to get fresh with me. Bye. **hangs up phone** Who would have thought wimpy, boring old Chuck had a crush on me?". I have too little friends as it is, I don't want to lose more or have a girl go out with me just out of pity. I also find myself in a similar situation to Keil, I get the "oh, you'd be such a great boyfriend" or "I'd go out with you if I wasn't seeing so-and-so" from girls all the time, and I hate it, because the words and actions are world's apart, so I don't have time for those games.

I wish I had as great a faith as you, mrstace. I'd love to acknowledge that God is working on my in a way that means it is better for me to remain single than with someone, but sometimes I'm a cynical, faithless, little man. I look at all the jerks who don't even know God yet have wonderful girlfriends, and my entire Christian life God has been working on me and helping me grow in little ways. I'm going to keep seeking God and growing if I get a significant other, so what's the prob? The problem is in me, not anything to do with God and my relationship. As I said, I'm cynical.

Maybe God just created me to be single. Which I wouldn't mind so bad, I just wish I could be sure of it, ya know? Nothing bugs you so much than the thought of what might have been or what still might be.

 

[Donny_B]

... I grew up a pastor's son in western PA...I'm a very old-fashioned reformed presbyterian of the solidly bible-believing type, and our churches tend to be very small (= not many girls around

​

​

I am also a "PK" (Preacher's Kid)..Presbyterian Church (USA) (the "too liberal branch", I know, but my dad was one of the more conservative ministers, still preaching from the King James Version), so we have something in common there!

I have to run now....will add more later.

 

[harmmony]

Personally, I feel that God (in the past year) has greatly worked oh my emotional and spiritual majurty. Molding me into something worth having.

I think you have hit the key here mrstace - and meanwhile He is most likely doing the same with your future wife.

I feel as though God has a priority list of all the things that He and I need to work on and get straight in my life - personal, emotional, mental, spiritual. Meeting my future husband is a little bit down on the list because I could never have a successful relationship with anyone until I work out certain things. So, I feel like God and I are working our way through the list (only He knows all the things that are really on it), He reveals things I need to work on or change in His timing and when He knows that I am in a position to make a success of my relationship or that He feels the time is otherwise right He will bring that person into my life. Does that make sense? So, at the moment even though I have a longing for a partner, I know and God knows that I can't do it right now.

Like you mrstace, I know some really beautiful (I'm talking inside mainly), totally together people desparately praying for God to bring them a husband/wife and they are still single. And like all those other times I have asked God "why" or "why not", I just have to believe that He knows exactly what He is doing, boy is that hard to accept sometimes. Although I sometimes wonder if they have to wait a bit while God is working on their future husband/wife to bring them to the same place.

 

[mina]

There are a combination of things. In my opinion why I am still single is a long and depressing list. And if i started to list them I would get depressed so I won't bother. Basically I think there are a lot of things wrong with me.

 

[72_Chev_Truck]

i just say to myself that i have too many payments to make to have a gf and i am trying to walk away from sexual immorality and having a girlfriend would just not help that.

 

[Echoes Peak]

Honestly, I think because God has so many things on my plate right now, and He's working on educating me in different aspects of life, that He (and I am becoming rapidly aware) know that I wouldn't be giving the appropriate amount of time to a relationship.

 

[sparrow1029]

You know, I think it goes beyond just having it "all together" or being deserving (but, hehe, who really is deserving of any of God's blessings?), or having all the right characteristics on a list. I think its also a matter of timing. God has this incredible plan for His creation, and we are a part of that plan no matter how small or unimportant we think we are. There are certain events that He brings about at certain times for the fulfillment of His plan, and the joining of some of His children in marriage is, more than likely, one of those events. I think that I sometimes get too focused on my immediate circumstances, and forget that there is a bigger picture--and that my life is part of that bigger picture.

 

[Echoes Peak]

You know, I think it goes beyond just having it "all together" or being deserving (but, hehe, who really is deserving of any of God's blessings?), or having all the right characteristics on a list. I think its also a matter of timing. God has this incredible plan for His creation, and we are a part of that plan no matter how small or unimportant we think we are. There are certain events that He brings about at certain times for the fulfillment of His plan, and the joining of some of His children in marriage is, more than likely, one of those events. I think that I sometimes get too focused on my immediate circumstances, and forget that there is a bigger picture--and that my life is part of that bigger picture.

Amen. I agree. I just am aware of certain, let's say undesirable qualities that God is helping shape into making me a more improved person in general.

 

[stormgade4]

I also find myself in a similar situation to Keil, I get the "oh, you'd be such a great boyfriend" or "I'd go out with you if I wasn't seeing so-and-so" from girls all the time, and I hate it, because the words and actions are world's apart, so I don't have time for those games.

I get those lines all the time. Another veriation I get is "I wish my boyfriend was more like you." I enjoy being a caring friend but I hate being the wet shoulder sometimes.

 

[Garcookie]

I think I’m single because........ it’s God’s will just now and who am I to argue with that?

Maybe the Lord has a plan for me to do something that I may not have the opportunity to do if I have a husband or kids. There's a lot of things you can do while you're single.

Also, the Lord’s making me a better person. I want to marry but I’m not decent wife material yet. I was never shown how a good, loving and Godly wife should be because of my bad upbringing. So I’m having to learn for myself. God has put older Christian women into my life to talk to me and help me grow & behave always in a Godly way and submit to the Lord. And practical things like giving me ideas for recipes/cooking & telling me about Godly submission in a relationship etc.

I have difficulty relating to kids. So if the Lords eventually wants me to be a mummy then surely He’ll help me deal with that.

I’ve been told I have an old head on young shoulders but I must still have some growing up to do. I don’t want a guy to have to suffer me if I’m not yet ready in God‘s eyes.. I can’t see it happening to be honest (marriage I mean) but like i said, who am I to dispute God’s plans, either way?

And I have to shake off that self-absorbed stuff. Which you touched on mrstace. (It’s getting better).

I also have trouble letting people get close to me.

I understand this well, bullet, but the Lord can speak into that situation.

Garcookie <@}}><

 

[Crono]

I simply haven't met anyone I was interested in who was also interested in me. Sometimes I'm not sure if I ever will. I honestly try not to think about it too much because there is little I can do to change it.

 

[brettnolan]

WOW!!

First off, Keil and Soldier, you guys have made me feel a lot better. It sure is nice to know you're not alone in the world, you know? BTW-I don't think INTJ is all that rare at all, we're just hard to find...for obvious reasons.

Obviously, we can all say it's God's plan because, well, it is. But I would suggest that most of the time, that doesn't make us feel any better about it. We can all look at ourselves and say God is working on this or that, but that doesn't satisfy.

If I'm looking at it from a female prospect's point of view:

I'm 35, two kids, no fashion sense (and DON"T WANT ONE), introverted, and under 6 feet tall. And finally, I'm not a guy you're going to do a double-take on. And that, frankly, is the killer. Because of my introversion, I need to get to know women fairly well before I'm even comfortable asking them out. In my job and at church, most of the women I know are married. I'm not interested in and am too old for women at bars. So that leaves Wal-Mart, grocery store, soccer games and hallway passers-by at work as my options. Introversion, again, pretty much nullifies all those. In fact, there were 3 or 4 potentials while I was out today. I uttered a total of zero words to them. What do you talk about whilst buying toilet paper and Crest Whitestrips?

At 35, I feel time is not on my side. I still hope to re-marry while I can still shag and still WANT to. If I met someone today, I would be almost 40 before re-marrying. Quite depressing.

 

[smash_kate]

for me, it's my being saved in the middle of a sort-of-relationship with an unsaved person and having to let go of him. It was tough because I had to choose between Christ and him and of course I chose Christ. Vampires don't mix with mortals.

 

[Godschild]

I am still single because I'm not ready to be in another relationship at this point in time and I just haven't found the one that I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

 

[Living4Him03]

What you said about God molding you into spiritual maturity---that's what we MUST have before we find a mate. God isn't going to bring us the right person if we aren't ready, or he is at least going to get us ready before the VERY big step of marriage. What I've realized is that I need to get to know who I am before I can get to know someone else, accept them flaws and all, and be a good mate for them. I also need to focus on those things I need to change about my life and the way I live, and what I can do to be honoring to God with each and every day, not just thinking about in the future. That's the reason I am still single (yah i am only 21, but I still think I qualify to answer the question, especially since there is even pressure at my age to be married)---I haven't gotten to know myself enough yet and I haven't gotten to the point God wants me to be at so that I can be a mate that is more than worth having I look forward to growing and becoming that woman and all of the singles out there--look forward to the growth process, to the possibilities of tomorrow. Here's an analogy...You've got this birthday coming up for a good friend and you have planned this big party. You are going to make the best cake to give to them because you care for them so much. Except, you are really becoming impatient, you just want to get the cake done and hope that if you hurry it up it will still turn out good. So, you focus more on the other parts of the party and assume the cake will be fine. Well, it turns out that the cake burned and that you accidently left out the sugar!

Do you want to just hurry up and get married without fully knowing who you are and what you need in a spouse? Without fully being prepared to be the kind of mate your spouse will need? No one does. Just as no one wants a nasty birthday cake that no one spent any time on. If you want to no longer be single, then enjoy being single and let it be a time of growth and upward movement towards the heights God has for you! Then, when you are ready, if you have not been called to singleness, God will send you the right person. Why do people stay single so long who are not called to singleness? Well, IMO, it's because they simply aren't ready. You may disagree but I really believe that's true. hope this all makes sense!

 

[Living4Him03]

oh, I saw above that some of ya'll are INTJ...so is my boyfriend. Just wanted to share that ...I'm INFJ

Marriage/mating are really difficult for INTJs so don't be so hard on yourself! It's good that ya'll reason things out and take your time with it as if it's any other process. Be a risk taker and approach one of the prospects with "have you tried white strips? they any good?" and if she is INFJ she will definitely respond in a very cordial manner Since INTJs know from the get go whether they will invest the time in someone or not, don't sweat it. If you meet someone and say hello and it doesnt work out, continue on with your "experimenting" and get going towards the next prospect!

 

[KeilCoppes]

BTW-I don't think INTJ is all that rare at all, we're just hard to find...for obvious reasons.

Happily, I'm not looking for INTJ, or IN*J - mostly I'm just looking for someone who is the understanding noncombative yet principled type who has a chance of understanding where I'm coming from. Fellow greetings to the IN*J's of the world, though - I understand we're not a lot of the population!

Obviously, we can all say it's God's plan because, well, it is. But I would suggest that most of the time, that doesn't make us feel any better about it. We can all look at ourselves and say God is working on this or that, but that doesn't satisfy.

True - prayer helps, but hugging your Bible isn't quite the same.

In fact, there were 3 or 4 potentials while I was out today. I uttered a total of zero words to them. What do you talk about whilst buying toilet paper and Crest Whitestrips?

How 'bout -

"All right, I just have to ask - are you allowed to say hi to somebody when you're in the toilet paper aisle? Or is that just too much? I mean, there's probably a horrible taboo against it, but it may be just be me.... What do you look for in a toilet paper? Any suggestions as to brand? My kids weren't very helpful!"
(must be delivered with a roguish grin and a outrageous twinkle in the eye)​

At the very least she'll do a double take and stammer and you will have exceeded the limit of zero words. If you do it right, she'll find out that you have a sense of humor enough to overcome a minorly embarrassing situation, and that you have kids. Maybe you'll even find out that she shops there regularly. On the other hand, she could hit you with her handbag and call security... On the third hand, this may be one of the reasons I'm still single and don't talk much to women in the TP aisle. :^)

Enough times, though, and you come to the conclusion that the world doesn't come to an end when you try something and it bombs, and you get more relaxed about talking to people you don't know. Just a thought.

-kc

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... lacking the advanced training to meet women in the TP aisle, but working on the hello ability just the same.
The I in INTJ can be overcome with enough failures and a good sense of humor!
-kc​