Why are some men like this?

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm thinking about a couple of men in my life (family) and people I know and I wonder....
OK I have a brother-in-law that is 51,divorced, and recently walked away from his house and now lives in CA with his sister....and seems pretty content to stay there indefinitely (why not, his every need is taken care of and they live a semi-lavish life style)
Then there is my ex-son-in-law, who is in his 40's that has a girlfriend that has a very nice house (about 6,000 sq ft) and a good job as a dental hygenist and he is content to sell car parts from home on the internet and occasionally also goes out of town to sell medical supplies.
Then there is another guy I know from my past that lives in CA, has a decent job in van conversions and is divorced and lives in a 5th wheel trailer with his teenage daughter.

Now none of these people or positions are terribly wrong IMO, its just that it seems (with these guys anyway) that they just don't have the drive anymore and are kinda just content to go with the flow. I also (even though I am a woman) have lost my drive (no wonder I can't find anyone lol) But I am just wondering what causes this in a man....because most men, at least the ones I know, would never want the woman to take care of them financially, and feel responsibility to be successful.
I was talking with my BIL and I was telling him that it's great that he has help right now, and that as soon as he gets out on his own and gets his own place he'll feel better, and he looked at me and said "why do I need to do that again?" And it just made me think about the WHY of it all? Do alot of men over 40 get like this? Maybe I'm out of the loop lol.

 

[dayhiker]

MbM .. what an interesting observation and question.

I don't think there is one answer. But your thoughts reminded me of a conversation I over heard.
I was walking down Main St. IN Portland, ME behind two homeless guys. One guy is talking the other about his education. By being homeless his time was his own. No bills. Just has to get about 10 to 30 bucks a day to eat, or stop by a place that feeds the poor. Making enough money to play all those bills does wear on one.

One thought as to why.

dayhiker

 

[peacechild4]

Things have changed so in society.. Men used to want to provide and work was important to them.. having an identity.. but now women are probably more driven to work then men..
These days jobs just seem to pay the bills.. it is rare to actually find someone who enjoys what they do..

Not really answering you though..

Just a few more thoughts to add..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Im seeing a trend. Like my ex SIL being perfectly content to bring in little cash and live off his GF in her mini mansion that he wants her to sell so they can move to Lake Tahoe or something...But HE doesn't want to do anything (like work hard) to do it. But for him, I think part of it is he comes from a little wealth and is [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off that his dad cut him off (after bailing him out a couple of times and him leaving his wife that they like for my daughter and it was adultery) so he keeps "hoping" that his dad will start giving him money or someone else will like his GF. I think its pathetic but what do I know.
And now I have this fear that my BIL will do the same thing (although its not my business if he does or not and it doesn't affect me either way) I just think God has more planned for my BIL but again....HE has to want it.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, it can be easy to take the easy road and live off someone else.

 

[MLynn]

Im seeing a trend. Like my ex SIL being perfectly content to bring in little cash and live off his GF in her mini mansion that he wants her to sell so they can move to Lake Tahoe or something...But HE doesn't want to do anything (like work hard) to do it. But for him, I think part of it is he comes from a little wealth and is [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off that his dad cut him off (after bailing him out a couple of times and him leaving his wife that they like for my daughter and it was adultery) so he keeps "hoping" that his dad will start giving him money or someone else will like his GF. I think its pathetic but what do I know.
And now I have this fear that my BIL will do the same thing (although its not my business if he does or not and it doesn't affect me either way) I just think God has more planned for my BIL but again....HE has to want it.

I apologize in advance for being blunt here since I just saw this thread, but it seems to me like he's lazy and a sponger and needs a big kick in the behind. I've seen too many cases where the woman has to do everything and the man does -0-/nada/zilch/nothing and is not an asset to the Lord, his woman, or community. It's quite repugnant, don't you think?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I apologize in advance for being blunt here since I just saw this thread, but it seems to me like he's lazy and a sponger and needs a big kick in the behind. I've seen too many cases where the woman has to do everything and the man does -0-/nada/zilch/nothing and is not an asset to the Lord, his woman, or community. It's quite repugnant, don't you think?

Yes I do!

 

[mjmcmillan]

Well, can't let Andy Capp have all the fun, can we?

It is easy if you have relatives you can live with. I have no such luxury, so scrambling to provide for myself, at least, is a necessity.

 

[Gwenyfur]

I apologize in advance for being blunt here since I just saw this thread, but it seems to me like he's lazy and a sponger and needs a big kick in the behind. I've seen too many cases where the woman has to do everything and the man does -0-/nada/zilch/nothing and is not an asset to the Lord, his woman, or community. It's quite repugnant, don't you think?

That's my last marriage...oy lazy sponge of an adulterous, hypocritical, errr...n/m I'm *trying* to not be so negative about him...but...there are times it's really *hard*

Yes I do!

So do I!

 

[dayhiker]

Just thought I'd add that my rooms mate at work had a wife who did nothing but watch the soaps. His Doc finally took him aside and said to him if your wife doesn't loose weigh soon she will die in her 40's. She was upto 320! After a year of counseling with no progress he gave her a 6 month notice to start to change or he was out of there ... she still didn't start to deal with her issues. This past month her 13 y/o daughter couldn't take it any more and moved out. The house was full of flees and mom wasn't doing anything to get rid of them!

ouch,
dayhiker

 

[genestealerbroodlord]

In a lot of cases like this, the guys are used to being taken care of by Mom or someone else and never really gain there independance. While they may get married and work hard for a while, they will eventually fall back into there old ways and find someone to live off.

Real life it seems is to hard. Oh well, better go find a new mommy to look after me and take care of all that inconvenient real life stuff. And I get sex too? Well sign me up. Like most men, I will pretty much do anything for an easy life, But one thing I could never do is sponge off another person. Men (or Women) who live like that are disgraceful and need to grow up and stop expecting others to foot the bill. Sorry, my sister is one of those types, so know all about the mentality.

 

[MLynn]

Just thought I'd add that my rooms mate at work had a wife who did nothing but watch the soaps. His Doc finally took him aside and said to him if your wife doesn't loose weigh soon she will die in her 40's. She was upto 320! After a year of counseling with no progress he gave her a 6 month notice to start to change or he was out of there ... she still didn't start to deal with her issues. This past month her 13 y/o daughter couldn't take it any more and moved out. The house was full of flees and mom wasn't doing anything to get rid of them!

ouch,
dayhiker

That is sad and tragic indeed. We cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.

 

[dayhiker]

ya, its its pretty hard to change ourselves, so that should give us a clue as too how hard it would be to change someone else!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

ya, its its pretty hard to change ourselves, so that should give us a clue as too how hard it would be to change someone else!

It's not hard.....it's IMPOSSIBLE! That is why there are so many issues and divorces, cuz people keep tryin to change the other person (for the better of course, in their opinion)
People have to WANT to change and usually when they decide they want it, is WHEN THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, when they've hit rock bottom, and they are losing or have lost something that they deem valuable (only after the fact). JMHO.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

In a lot of cases like this, the guys are used to being taken care of by Mom or someone else and never really gain there independance. While they may get married and work hard for a while, they will eventually fall back into there old ways and find someone to live off.

Real life it seems is to hard. Oh well, better go find a new mommy to look after me and take care of all that inconvenient real life stuff. And I get sex too? Well sign me up. Like most men, I will pretty much do anything for an easy life, But one thing I could never do is sponge off another person. Men (or Women) who live like that are disgraceful and need to grow up and stop expecting others to foot the bill. Sorry, my sister is one of those types, so know all about the mentality.

Well my BIL was used to his wife handling it all (bills food etc) and he was fine with that but not with her nagging him to do more, make more, be more, while she was out spending it faster than he could make it. (they both were right in some ways. My BIL worked for years without asking for a raise, but she is a shopaholic and with her it's all about the money) so now....even though he is divorced and has been separated for 5 years, he is not over her even though they both have changed. That contributes to his problems and IMO until HE decides that HE doesn't like who he is and where he is at....nothing will change. Glad he is my BIL and not someone I date cuz I wouldn't. But we control our destiny in this area. No one can change anyone that doesn't want to be changed unless they are using terrorist tactics it aint gonna happen.

 

[dayhiker]

good preaching sister. smile

 

[genestealerbroodlord]

Well my BIL was used to his wife handling it all (bills food etc) and he was fine with that but not with her nagging him to do more, make more, be more, while she was out spending it faster than he could make it. (they both were right in some ways. My BIL worked for years without asking for a raise, but she is a shopaholic and with her it's all about the money) so now....even though he is divorced and has been separated for 5 years, he is not over her even though they both have changed. That contributes to his problems and IMO until HE decides that HE doesn't like who he is and where he is at....nothing will change. Glad he is my BIL and not someone I date cuz I wouldn't. But we control our destiny in this area. No one can change anyone that doesn't want to be changed unless they are using terrorist tactics it aint gonna happen.

I think this is true with most failed marriages, I know with both my marriages there was right and wrong on both sides and its only after the fact in both cases that I was able to see that.

I was finally blessed with understanding and have tried to make changes to me. As you say, nothing will change until we realise that we don't like the person we are. I understand where your BIL is right now. When you are in the situation, its very hard to see yourself the way you really are and its only in reflection that I finally got it. I finally saw what everyone else saw.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think this is true with most failed marriages, I know with both my marriages there was right and wrong on both sides and its only after the fact in both cases that I was able to see that.

I was finally blessed with understanding and have tried to make changes to me. As you say, nothing will change until we realise that we don't like the person we are. I understand where your BIL is right now. When you are in the situation, its very hard to see yourself the way you really are and its only in reflection that I finally got it. I finally saw what everyone else saw.

BBM, That's it! Sometimes it's too bad it works that way (that we can only really see AFTER we go thru it), but I know he loves the Lord and God continues to work in all of us as we are ALL works in progress (I know I am) so I don't judge him. Wish I could help him, but realize it has to be him and that's what I tell him (when he asks). I don't try to change him either and I think that's key. It keeps the communication open, so if he decides he wants something different there is an open door of someone he could talk to who would understand and not judge. Cuz I know I ain't perfect yet lol (don't expect to be either lol). What helps me is to always try (operative word being try) to look at things from their perpective, like the WHY they might be doing this or that, or acting this way or that way, and it helps me have more understanding if I can see it from where they're at (even though you can't really understand it totally unless you are in it too). And when I'm in my not so sensitive mode dealing with my BIL and him not being over being divorced, I tell him "Hey.. I didn't want to be a widow either, but it is what it is and I can't change it" but I try not to be that way too often. That's just when my struggles are boiling to the top at the same time as his.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I apologize in advance for being blunt here since I just saw this thread, but it seems to me like he's lazy and a sponger and needs a big kick in the behind. I've seen too many cases where the woman has to do everything and the man does -0-/nada/zilch/nothing and is not an asset to the Lord, his woman, or community. It's quite repugnant, don't you think?

But how did they get that way? Were they always that way, or did they once want to be the provider and got burned? Or did they watch their father/brother/friends get burned and start thinking "why, what's the point?"

I'm not defending or condoning - but there's always a reason people act the way they do.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

But how did they get that way? Were they always that way, or did they once want to be the provider and got burned? Or did they watch their father/brother/friends get burned and start thinking "why, what's the point?"

I'm not defending or condoning - but there's always a reason people act the way they do.

Well in the cases that I know about personally at one time they did really well financially at work. In my BIL case he felt it seemed it was never enough, kinda the rat race thing IDK, the other used to be a rich grown kid that dad gave 20,000 to each christmas and who knows what else during the year, until they had a falling out over him leaving his wife and being with my step daughter (they are no longer together) and in the other case IDK just got to being over 50 and ??? or gave up somewhere along the way. But all of them IMO are kinda in the I GIVE UP syndrom or circumstance or the I'll never try THAT hard again or ??? But why do some do this and others don't?