Why am I doing this to Myself? (OCD Thoughts Regarding God)

[Tanner92]

Let me start this off by giving my history with OCD. I grew up a rather anxious child, probably more so than most kids my age. My furthest memories of actual OCD however go back to around 2005, so around the time I was 13. I began obsessing about things that really most kids my age wouldn't care all too much about. For me it was guilt about watching things on TV in secret I probably at the time should not have been watching, though considerably tame in nature to alot of the things nowadays. For some reason the guilt of this weighed on me and I obsessed about this for around 2 or so months, constantly needing self confirmation that I was forgiven for the "Atrocities" I had so committed. LOL.

So around August of that same year, my obsessions began to shift. This time it was on Sexual or Violent thoughts regarding people or God. This one carried for over a year and for a while was the most severe my OCD ever became, until now. From Aug 2005-Jan 2007 this was for a while, considered my most severe period in my life. I couldn't sleep on my side, couldn't walk into certain rooms in my house, had to keep my fists locked tight, and had to say certain rituals, or else bad things would happen to my family/strangers/God?etc. It became so bad that my parents ( I should say my Mother) became extremely worried for me.

As the years passed by my obsessions would always shift from one thing to another, raging from: Making deals with the devil, Making deals with God to take something I want away in exchange for something pityful, thoughts of feeling sociopathic, etc. Honestly the list could go on...

Right now, I'm currently in this obsession where I am making deals with God over the most pitiful things, like: "God if you make me want to drink this bottle of water, or make me want to buy this figure (I collect those), or make this link on this site work, you can...

A. (Take my savings away)
B. (Take away my ability to move back to Georgia)
C. (Break some item I love)

It gets insane, honestly just saying it out loud makes me sound like a crazy person.

I have heard all the usual stuff, "God doesn't make deals." The Devil can't read your thoughts." Etc. I have heard it all. I know that people are giving me the adivce they know how to give, but they don't realize that to a person with this sort of mental disorder, it feels real as hell. Honestly I don't know what to do.

 

[I'm_Sorry]

2 Corinthians 10:5

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;


I have had the same.

Thoughts of:

"If I didn't pick something up I'd die"

"Cant step on lines"

"Cops are at my door"

"I'm not saved"

"I've committed the unpardonable sin"

"Extreme shame"

Face the fear, walk through them with God.

They are irrational fears and are from the devil and devils.

Keep in God's word so He can give you foundation.

Jesus fought the devil with the word.

"It is written"

Counter the thoughts.

Be rooted in Truth.

God bless brother

Allow Him to set you free

Put on the Armour of God.

 

[lamb7]

Let me start this off by giving my history with OCD. I grew up a rather anxious child, probably more so than most kids my age. My furthest memories of actual OCD however go back to around 2005, so around the time I was 13. I began obsessing about things that really most kids my age wouldn't care all too much about. For me it was guilt about watching things on TV in secret I probably at the time should not have been watching, though considerably tame in nature to alot of the things nowadays. For some reason the guilt of this weighed on me and I obsessed about this for around 2 or so months, constantly needing self confirmation that I was forgiven for the "Atrocities" I had so committed. LOL.

So around August of that same year, my obsessions began to shift. This time it was on Sexual or Violent thoughts regarding people or God. This one carried for over a year and for a while was the most severe my OCD ever became, until now. From Aug 2005-Jan 2007 this was for a while, considered my most severe period in my life. I couldn't sleep on my side, couldn't walk into certain rooms in my house, had to keep my fists locked tight, and had to say certain rituals, or else bad things would happen to my family/strangers/God?etc. It became so bad that my parents ( I should say my Mother) became extremely worried for me.

As the years passed by my obsessions would always shift from one thing to another, raging from: Making deals with the devil, Making deals with God to take something I want away in exchange for something pityful, thoughts of feeling sociopathic, etc. Honestly the list could go on...

Right now, I'm currently in this obsession where I am making deals with God over the most pitiful things, like: "God if you make me want to drink this bottle of water, or make me want to buy this figure (I collect those), or make this link on this site work, you can...

A. (Take my savings away)
B. (Take away my ability to move back to Georgia)
C. (Break some item I love)

It gets insane, honestly just saying it out loud makes me sound like a crazy person.

I have heard all the usual stuff, "God doesn't make deals." The Devil can't read your thoughts." Etc. I have heard it all. I know that people are giving me the adivce they know how to give, but they don't realize that to a person with this sort of mental disorder, it feels real as hell. Honestly I don't know what to do.

Tanner, I am so sorry you are going through this difficult season, have you been diagnosed officially, are you on any meds?

I feel your pain, I hate to sound insane too I get so embarrassed, but the fears drive us, I have had similar issues as you but once it hits our faith it is SO hard to have it cease. OCD likes to morph into other themes too, like harm, faith etc. I am praying for you.

 

[I'm_Sorry]

Tanner, I am so sorry you are going through this difficult season, have you been diagnosed officially, are you on any meds?

I feel your pain, I hate to sound insane too I get so embarrassed, but the fears drive us, I have had similar issues as you but once it hits our faith it is SO hard to have it cease. OCD likes to morph into other themes too, like harm, faith etc. I am praying for you.

Amen.

For me it's down to obsessive hand washing.

He will set us free.

In my experience the more rooted in Truth the less the devil can attack our Faith and the more easy it is to discern the devil's game.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Let me start this off by giving my history with OCD. I grew up a rather anxious child, probably more so than most kids my age. My furthest memories of actual OCD however go back to around 2005, so around the time I was 13. I began obsessing about things that really most kids my age wouldn't care all too much about. For me it was guilt about watching things on TV in secret I probably at the time should not have been watching, though considerably tame in nature to alot of the things nowadays. For some reason the guilt of this weighed on me and I obsessed about this for around 2 or so months, constantly needing self confirmation that I was forgiven for the "Atrocities" I had so committed. LOL.

So around August of that same year, my obsessions began to shift. This time it was on Sexual or Violent thoughts regarding people or God. This one carried for over a year and for a while was the most severe my OCD ever became, until now. From Aug 2005-Jan 2007 this was for a while, considered my most severe period in my life. I couldn't sleep on my side, couldn't walk into certain rooms in my house, had to keep my fists locked tight, and had to say certain rituals, or else bad things would happen to my family/strangers/God?etc. It became so bad that my parents ( I should say my Mother) became extremely worried for me.

As the years passed by my obsessions would always shift from one thing to another, raging from: Making deals with the devil, Making deals with God to take something I want away in exchange for something pityful, thoughts of feeling sociopathic, etc. Honestly the list could go on...

Right now, I'm currently in this obsession where I am making deals with God over the most pitiful things, like: "God if you make me want to drink this bottle of water, or make me want to buy this figure (I collect those), or make this link on this site work, you can...

A. (Take my savings away)
B. (Take away my ability to move back to Georgia)
C. (Break some item I love)

It gets insane, honestly just saying it out loud makes me sound like a crazy person.

I have heard all the usual stuff, "God doesn't make deals." The Devil can't read your thoughts." Etc. I have heard it all. I know that people are giving me the adivce they know how to give, but they don't realize that to a person with this sort of mental disorder, it feels real as hell. Honestly I don't know what to do.

The devil loves to give good people condemnation bombs. He is the one who puts the thoughts in your mind and brings temptation to you and then he comes back at you with condemnation when you succumb. The Word of God states that there is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. Jesus died for you on the cross and took not only your sins, but your whole sinfulness and replaced it with His righteousness in you. The devil wants to suppress that truth and make you think that because you are having those thoughts, which he injected into your mind, you are not right with God. But the moment you accepted Christ you were made totally right with God because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. You are always going to have mental conflicts because the devil will want to make a train wreck of your faith. But faith in what Jesus did for you is to carry on with your Christian life in spite of the thoughts that attack your mind. These thoughts are not the new you. They are there to try and convince you that your faith is not genuine. You are a child of God and the devil cannot come anywhere near you. When you say that, he will have to back off. Smith Wigglesworth tells of a lady who left her home and her little dog followed her. She told it to go home but it kept on following her. She then turned, stamped her foot and said sharply, "Go home now!!!" The little dog scuttled off home. Smith Wigglesworth saw that and said for all to hear, "Now that's how you treat the devil!" Sometimes you have to be quite sharp with the devil when you tell him, "On your bike!!" We don't have to be kind to the devil. He knows our authority in Christ and he has to back off when we resist him. I sometimes get thoughts of violence, especially when I think about what I would do if I was a victim of crime. Then I tell the Lord that it is all imagination and the chances of it happening to me are very remote. The thought drains away quite quickly. I'm a red-blooded male. I see young ladies with short skirts on windy days! But I don't take that second look, because although we can't stop birds landing on our heads, we can stop them making a nest there.

 

[lamb7]

Amen.

For me it's down to obsessive hand washing.

He will set us free.

In my experience the more rooted in Truth the less the devil can attack our Faith and the more easy it is to discern the devil's game.

I have never had that theme yet, the closest I got was if I touch stuff I will contaminate who ever touches it after me.. strange I know UGH but that is gone for now, It seems only one theme is at work at any given time or they switch around. Can't explain it. Praying for you Im_Sorry ♥

 

[I'm_Sorry]

The devil loves to give good people condemnation bombs. He is the one who puts the thoughts in your mind and brings temptation to you and then he comes back at you with condemnation when you succumb. The Word of God states that there is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. Jesus died for you on the cross and took not only your sins, but your whole sinfulness and replaced it with His righteousness in you. The devil wants to suppress that truth and make you think that because you are having those thoughts, which he injected into your mind, you are not right with God. But the moment you accepted Christ you were made totally right with God because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. You are always going to have mental conflicts because the devil will want to make a train wreck of your faith. But faith in what Jesus did for you is to carry on with your Christian life in spite of the thoughts that attack your mind. These thoughts are not the new you. They are there to try and convince you that your faith is not genuine. You are a child of God and the devil cannot come anywhere near you. When you say that, he will have to back off. Smith Wigglesworth tells of a lady who left her home and her little dog followed her. She told it to go home but it kept on following her. She then turned, stamped her foot and said sharply, "Go home now!!!" The little dog scuttled off home. Smith Wigglesworth saw that and said for all to hear, "Now that's how you treat the devil!" Sometimes you have to be quite sharp with the devil when you tell him, "On your bike!!" We don't have to be kind to the devil. He knows our authority in Christ and he has to back off when we resist him. I sometimes get thoughts of violence, especially when I think about what I would do if I was a victim of crime. Then I tell the Lord that it is all imagination and the chances of it happening to me are very remote. The thought drains away quite quickly. I'm a red-blooded male. I see young ladies with short skirts on windy days! But I don't take that second look, because although we can't stop birds landing on our heads, we can stop them making a nest there.

Amen.

1 John 4:4

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

 

[I'm_Sorry]

I have never had that theme yet, the closest I got was if I touch stuff I will contaminate who ever touches it after me.. strange I know UGH but that is gone for now, It seems only one theme is at work at any given time or they switch around. Can't explain it. Praying for you Im_Sorry ♥

You too brother

May He make us free

 

[D.Hogan]

I am praying for you Tanner, being stuck in obsessive thoughts can be torture. I've been there myself. Someone above said "be rooted" I would lean on that. Be rooted in scripture, in Christ, in your church.

It's not always easy to see why this is happening, but in hindsight sometimes God lets us see it for his glory.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks for sharing your struggles. First of all, you're not crazy. All of us (with OCD) have been in that place of feeling like we are crazy, but it's the obsessive thoughts that are making us seem crazy, not our true selves. Basically, we have brains that are on hyper-alert, and they pick up guilt/fear signals that other people are able to easily brush away. Lucky us! LOL. It can be a good thing, sometimes - but not when it swamps us with anxiety. It is of course good to get a "logical" and Biblical perspective on your questions and doubts, but that in itself will not eliminate the anxiety. You could hear all the good advice in the world, and still not be convinced - because that's the way OCD works. It WANTS you to believe your fears, and will not be convinced otherwise. That's why you have to stop trying to fight them. What OCD wants is for you to engage with it. The root cause is a predisposition to fear/anxiety, so your OCD will latch onto whatever theme seems the most likely to devastate you at the time, and then do its best to ensnare you in it. So basically, trying to reason it away won't help - as you well know. What you need to do is fight the OCD itself, which basically means doing whatever it doesn't want you to do. Facing your fears, so to speak. In your case it means ignoring the thoughts that disturb you, the "deals" that you feel you are making. Instead of being alarmed by the thoughts and working to alleviate them by compulsions, you must choose to acknowledge them ("OK, maybe I did make a deal with God - but probably not, so I choose to move on with my life.") This is really, really hard to do, because of course no matter what you tell yourself, your anxiety is telling you that you DID make a deal with God. You have to let yourself be anxious. Everything in you will want to fight the anxiety away, through some sort of compulsion, either physical or mental. You have to refuse to give in, and just let yourself live with the disgusting feelings your anxiety brings up. What will happen, if you persevere long enough, is that your brain will get used to being anxious and will no longer be so alarmed at the disturbing thoughts your OCD brings up. That's when you'll start to get your power back, and to be able to see things more clearly, and to know your own mind. It's a hard fight, but it's so worth it!!!

 

[Tanner92]

Thanks for sharing your struggles. First of all, you're not crazy. All of us (with OCD) have been in that place of feeling like we are crazy, but it's the obsessive thoughts that are making us seem crazy, not our true selves. Basically, we have brains that are on hyper-alert, and they pick up guilt/fear signals that other people are able to easily brush away. Lucky us! LOL. It can be a good thing, sometimes - but not when it swamps us with anxiety. It is of course good to get a "logical" and Biblical perspective on your questions and doubts, but that in itself will not eliminate the anxiety. You could hear all the good advice in the world, and still not be convinced - because that's the way OCD works. It WANTS you to believe your fears, and will not be convinced otherwise. That's why you have to stop trying to fight them. What OCD wants is for you to engage with it. The root cause is a predisposition to fear/anxiety, so your OCD will latch onto whatever theme seems the most likely to devastate you at the time, and then do its best to ensnare you in it. So basically, trying to reason it away won't help - as you well know. What you need to do is fight the OCD itself, which basically means doing whatever it doesn't want you to do. Facing your fears, so to speak. In your case it means ignoring the thoughts that disturb you, the "deals" that you feel you are making. Instead of being alarmed by the thoughts and working to alleviate them by compulsions, you must choose to acknowledge them ("OK, maybe I did make a deal with God - but probably not, so I choose to move on with my life.") This is really, really hard to do, because of course no matter what you tell yourself, your anxiety is telling you that you DID make a deal with God. You have to let yourself be anxious. Everything in you will want to fight the anxiety away, through some sort of compulsion, either physical or mental. You have to refuse to give in, and just let yourself live with the disgusting feelings your anxiety brings up. What will happen, if you persevere long enough, is that your brain will get used to being anxious and will no longer be so alarmed at the disturbing thoughts your OCD brings up. That's when you'll start to get your power back, and to be able to see things more clearly, and to know your own mind. It's a hard fight, but it's so worth it!!!

In my months, (Since I came back after 2014) This is probably the best response I have been given. Honestly it's very hard, I prey on my own fears. Just trying to decide whether I want to turn on the TV or what food I decide to eat can be infuriating. Now my obssesion for the last day or so has been, ("God make me homeless in exchange for...") ("God make me stay in Oklahoma forever") things I obviously don't want. It's over minor things like wanting to eat eggs, or turn on the TV, pick up an action figure. Yes by technicality, I am on medication. I stopped taking it around Sept of last year mainly for monetary reasons. I plan on making an appointment on Aug. 23 of this month to either get back on the medication I was on before or get something stronger.

 

[Mari17]

It might be good to get back on medication and/or get therapy. Of course, there's a lot you can do on your own; I've always chosen to self-treat. Here are a couple of my favorite resources for fighting OCD (from a Christian perspective!):
http://ocdandchristianity.com/
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