Who's Pushing Your Buttons?

[mkgal1]

HB, have you gotten this book yet? I am on my second round of reading it and have found that slowing down & highlighting has helped me absorb. There is so much in this book!! I am excited to discuss it.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm adding this to my "must get" list, along with Highly Sensitive People as insvisiblebabe recommended.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

HB, have you gotten this book yet? I am on my second round of reading it and have found that slowing down & highlighting has helped me absorb. There is so much in this book!! I am excited to discuss it.

No, the one time I drove into the town to buy that book, the store had just closed. I just finished reading or I should say finishing it.. have a little left a book called "The Dance of Anger" by...Harriet Lerner... it's a really good book... states "A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships" and though I've read bits and pieces of the
book boundaries in marriage, never got my hands on the actual "Boundaries" book and plan to read that. When I start reading that other book, we should have a discussion on it!!!

HB

 

[mkgal1]

No, the one time I drove into the town to buy that book, the store had just closed. I just finished reading or I should say finishing it.. have a little left a book called "The Dance of Anger" by...Harriet Lerner... it's a really good book... states "A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships" and though I've read bits and pieces of the
book boundaries in marriage, never got my hands on the actual "Boundaries" book and plan to read that. When I start reading that other book, we should have a discussion on it!!!

HB

Great! I just ordered "The Dance of Anger". That sounds good too.

Just so this isn't a personal conversational thread between HB and myself, I will explain how this book topic came up. I would love it if others joined in as well.

HB had started a thread titled "How do you deal with..." In that thread she asked how others dealt with someone who just won't take responsibility for their actions and even turn the issue around to be your fault. At the same time, I had picked up the book, "Who's Pushing Your Buttons" That book defines that behavior as that of a "button-pusher". The person who is doing the confronting is left feeling frustrated since their try to improve the relationship has been deflected. When you are in this kind of relationship, you begin to believe it IS your fault and you also begin to feel a certain amount of craziness & self-doubt.

I was so glad to have found that book. It made me realize the truth about these relationships and took away my feeling of hopelessness.

For so many years, the counsel I had gotten was, "ignore it" "don't let it get to you" "don't be so sensitive"...you get the idea. But, this didn't sit well with me. That would mean the relationship wouldn't be as close as it could be and I would be allowing the unhealthy behavior to be *ruling* over the relationship. This counsel made me feel even more isolated. The truth is, when we can allow others to affect us, it means we have a great capacity for deep relationships. That isn't something we should ignore, we should use it for the good of the relationship.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well, I can't promise I'll read that book right now... don't have it yet and have plans to read the boundaries book like I said, however, i really would like to have a conversational thread about it, and if this still isn't up and going by the time I read the book, I'll bring the subject up again. But Mcgal1, if you are interested in sharing insights in the book to talk about, I'd be interested in jumping in and reading about them.

I think this subject is appropriate for this section because I bet it's something a lot of people deal with in their marriage... I am definitely married to a button pusher... he pushes my buttons in a way to deflect the attention from him and what he is doing wrong... and it is indeed very frustrating and it really bothers me at times.... like I've said, i don't know how to respond or deal with it... because if I get mad it gives him more ammo like "look at you, you're getting so sensitive" and if I don't respond and ignore him he persues and doesn't leave it alone... if I try to point out what he's doing he'll say "well, look at what YOU'RE doing.." then he'll try to fill in the blanks... often using something in the past, as if because I've done something similar in past, he is at this point not accountable. I admit, I've done similar deflections with him... but I'm finding that bringing up the past mistakes that are similar to what i'm being accused of, of the spouse really is a way of stealing the lime light in the conversation and doesn't solve anything. I think that we need to focus on the issue at hand, not bring in the past, and listen to the other's concerns... then once the other person feels heard and understood, then bring up a concern you've had when you were treated this way... this way you have respected the person who initially brought up the concern, and the person may feel more up to being open to talking about it in an understanding way. Food for thought.

HB

 

[kanga22]

Well, I can't promise I'll read that book right now... don't have it yet and have plans to read the boundaries book like I said, however, i really would like to have a conversational thread about it, and if this still isn't up and going by the time I read the book, I'll bring the subject up again.

Hey, I just ordered Boundaries - it should arrive next week. I want to be part of a discussion thread on it. Please keep me informed if/when that happens. I should be ready to contribute by the end of next week.

I also ordered Safe People, but will read Boundaries first if I can discuss it with others.

Kanga

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Hey, I just ordered Boundaries - it should arrive next week. I want to be part of a discussion thread on it. Please keep me informed if/when that happens. I should be ready to contribute by the end of next week.

I also ordered Safe People, but will read Boundaries first if I can discuss it with others.

Kanga

I just got done reading Safe People and "The Dance of Anger" and will start reading "Boundaries" probably this week.... then I'll buy and read the book "who's pushing your buttons". Sounds like we are all going to have a lot to talk about

Safe people was a good book too. One thing that I got out of that, well, I got more then one thing, but one thing that was helpful was where it talked about that it takes more courage and strength to stay in a difficult relationship and practice your boundaries in it then to just write the person off, which is something I've done to assert boundaries... they say doing that really isn't boundaries at all.... it really doesn't solve anything. Now there are times when after you've tried everything else the answer would be to not have contact with the person anymore, but that should be the last option. That was helpful to me and inspired me to go ahead and check out the boundaries book. Since I've been on a real quest for knowledge in how to deal with people I've been inhaling these books. I own the dance of anger... it's a book I think I'll refer to again. Looking forward to reading the others.

HB

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm not with a button-pusher now, but I think my problem is, I've got buttons that have been pushed so often for so long, they're stuck. Anybody know a book on how to unstick stuck buttons?

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I'm not with a button-pusher now, but I think my problem is, I've got buttons that have been pushed so often for so long, they're stuck. Anybody know a book on how to unstick stuck buttons?

I haven't read that book yet, but I bet that there'd be something in there regarding what you're dealing with.. I think I might just order it instead of trying to go to the store to buy it.

HB

 

[mkgal1]

Well, I can't promise I'll read that book right now... don't have it yet and have plans to read the boundaries book like I said, however, i really would like to have a conversational thread about it, and if this still isn't up and going by the time I read the book, I'll bring the subject up again. But Mcgal1, if you are interested in sharing insights in the book to talk about, I'd be interested in jumping in and reading about them.

I think this subject is appropriate for this section because I bet it's something a lot of people deal with in their marriage... I am definitely married to a button pusher... he pushes my buttons in a way to deflect the attention from him and what he is doing wrong... and it is indeed very frustrating and it really bothers me at times.... like I've said, i don't know how to respond or deal with it... because if I get mad it gives him more ammo like "look at you, you're getting so sensitive" and if I don't respond and ignore him he persues and doesn't leave it alone... if I try to point out what he's doing he'll say "well, look at what YOU'RE doing.." then he'll try to fill in the blanks... often using something in the past, as if because I've done something similar in past, he is at this point not accountable. I admit, I've done similar deflections with him... but I'm finding that bringing up the past mistakes that are similar to what i'm being accused of, of the spouse really is a way of stealing the lime light in the conversation and doesn't solve anything. I think that we need to focus on the issue at hand, not bring in the past, and listen to the other's concerns... then once the other person feels heard and understood, then bring up a concern you've had when you were treated this way... this way you have respected the person who initially brought up the concern, and the person may feel more up to being open to talking about it in an understanding way. Food for thought.

HB

Oh, no hurry! It's funny, I just ordered the "Dance of Anger" and "Safe People". I am also on a quest for knowledge in this area. I think all of these books, including "Boundaries", all tie together well.

I am not sure what I had in mind for this thread, I think mostly support from others that understand. Unless someone has had a close relationship with someone that doesn't take ownership for their actions, I honestly don't know if they can truly understand and advise. For most people, telling them they are hurting you is enough to bring about remorse and motivation to work on that area of the relationship. With a *button-pusher*, when you try to explain your feelings using logic and reason to make a point, they tune us out. They have often constructed a world in their minds in which they have concluded they are right about their behavior, and what you say has little bearing. It is not about having more information, facts, or clarity. It is that you disagree, which in the *button-pusher's* mind is a signal to tune you out. For years, I felt as though I was banging my head against a wall. I had explained myself as clearly as possible....why wasn't he *getting* it?

We always need to begin with reason, but when that doesn't work, we need to move on to something else. Dr Townsend is clear that our heart plays a big part in all of this. We have to get to the place where we are genuinely wanting to bring about healthy change out of love. We can't have the attitude of "I am going to fix him/her". That attitude will show. He says that *button-pushers* need reassurement that you care about them and the relationship and that the whole reason you are bringing up an issue is because you want a closer bond. Townsend says to be prepared for the denial, rationalizing, and blaming. For us, this may be a quest for truth, but for a *button-pusher* it may be a way to get out of pain and blame. He then says to "stay in the game". Don't fold, quit, become passive, blow up, or decide to leave the relationship. This is a signal that you have a second problem to deal with besides the issue you are bringing up. You can't deal with any issues until you first deal with the denial and blaming. He says to listen to the excuse or blame, but refocus on your request for change.

When we have tried several times at reasoning, and our *button-pusher* keeps wiggling out of admitting what he/she is doing and shows no sign of progress, we then need to make the resistance the issue. Townsend even gave a script: "I'm feeling pretty helpless right now. Every time I attempt to show you that your (problem) is a problem for me, you either blame me, tell me I'm overreacting, make excuses for it, or get angrier. This isn't being productive for either of us. I'm becoming aware that no matter whether it's anger, or parenting, or money, or sex, I can't talk about problems with you in a way that solves them for us. So a lot of our issues don't ever get resolved. I can't imagine that this is pleasant for you either. Can we work on that as a problem?" This makes him part of the solution. If he isn't receptive and isn't touched with your vulnerability, ownership, love, and reality, then continue making the resistance an issue, moving on to actions.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not with a button-pusher now, but I think my problem is, I've got buttons that have been pushed so often for so long, they're stuck. Anybody know a book on how to unstick stuck buttons?

I am not sure what you mean by this. If you have a sensitivity in a certain area, I believe the most loving thing your husband can do (or anyone who loves you) is to support you by coming along side of you, accepting you where you are, but together striving for improvement. Love is patient....you know. Do you feel pressured to change? Is that pressure come from within or from that other person? I think those *stuck buttons* become un-stuck when we can trust they won't be pushed. That takes a history with someone.

A really good book that may be more appropriate for you is Dr Cloud's "9 Things You Simply Must Do". That book is something I believe everyone should read, it applies to all. It is explained as a book to help you discover ways of behaving and responding to situations that successful individuals have in common. It is all based on biblical principles, but they are simple and subtle, and easily missed. My favorite chapter is "Hating Well". I won't give it all away, but that changed my attitude on a lot of things. The world tells us not to hate, but how can we love everything? We can't stand for love and NOT hate sin.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^Good suggestions. I'm also re-reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

By unsticking stuck buttons, I mean getting over the past and not thinking that just because something has happened before, doesn't automatically mean it's going to happen again. As Mike says he constantly had to remind his last girlfriend, all men are NOT alike. Mike has never abused me, but I still have a horrific fear of displeasing him, though he has shown me no reason to have that fear. It's just that not pleasing my loved ones has always had such devastating consequences before.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

So I've read the first chapter of boundaries... and it is so good. I made a list of questions concerning boundaries before I started to help me be focused, and these are some of the challenges i"ve noticed..

1. Doubting myself when I tell someone know, or someone doesn't agree with me
2. Feeling bad when I confront someone... I have usually ended up apologizing, and later kicking myself.
3. I guess what is the most challenging to me, is dealing with people's responses to my boundary setting.... ideally people will be respectful of your thoughts and feelings, but I have had people willingly write me off, as if they don't need me... and this is really not what I wanted....

I think I'm concluding that i need to learn how to find my happiness elsewhere so I'm not the one trying to repare a relationship when I was simply being open and honest and being me.

HB

 

[mkgal1]

I don't think so. If I am understanding what you are saying, I think if you feel that you need to take on the attitude of everyone else (throwing away relationships that don't work), you may be missing out on some relationships that just needed your care and persistance. I don't think God would have given you this drive to learn about healthy relationships if He didn't have a plan for you to use it.

If after all your work and openness, the relationship falls apart, then at least you can say you gave it all you had. I am sure you would have learned along the way as well. Some people have a real difficult time with confrontation and truth. To them love equals getting their way without confrontation and truth and confrontation equals hate. We need to be the ones to show them that you can have a relationship that is honest and loving, and that confrontation doesn't equal hate it means we care. I have found that since these people are so difficult, people usually DO walk away from them only reinforcing their outlook. They have learned that when people disagree, they part ways. They don't see it's possible any other way.

I guess a big part of it too is that we do have to be getting our fullfillment from Christ. That way we aren't thrown off balance and can be the healthy influence on the relationship.

 

[FaithfulWife]

If after all your work and openness, the relationship falls apart, then at least you can say you gave it all you had. I am sure you would have learned along the way as well.

Speaking as someone who's been in this situation, I find these two sentences RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I am not happy that at the age of 46 I've been divorced and I'm not celebrating my 25th or 30th anniversary. But I am satisfied that I made mature, healthy choices in the face of dysfunction, that I worked on cleaning up my side of the street by working on my issues, and that I had dealt with MY issues! I can say with my head held high that I gave it all I had and that I did what I could on my side.

Some people have a real difficult time with confrontation and truth. To them love equals getting their way without confrontation and truth and confrontation equals hate. We need to be the ones to show them that you can have a relationship that is honest and loving, and that confrontation doesn't equal hate it means we care. I have found that since these people are so difficult, people usually DO walk away from them only reinforcing their outlook. They have learned that when people disagree, they part ways. They don't see it's possible any other way.

Oh mkgal this is so important!! When I first began to learn about healthy relationships and how to not function in a co-dependent way, much to my sorrow I discovered that my hubby had severe issues, but I also had issues too that I had to address (just for an easy example, I had NO CLUE what a boundary was because of physical abuse in my childhood the idea of saying no and not allowing anyone to do whatever at any time was foreign to me). So although I could clearly see HIS issues I also realized that I had a responsibility to work on MY issues too. Issues like having a boundary and communicating it clearly in a healthy way and then being firm with it.

So not only do have have a responsibility to loving discuss and help him with his issues, but I have a responsibility to admit that I have issues too and expectations like, "If I set a boundary HE will leave". This is why, when I write to folks who have said, "My spouse this and that" I usually highly recommend that they examine themselves too and make sure that not only are they encouraging their spouse to behave in a healthy way, but THEY are being healthy too. Its' SO much easier to see what our spouse needs to work on! But really in a long, long-term relationship BOTH parties grow and learn how to deal with their childhood issues and expectations and maturity and spirituality and EVERYTHING!

Good post--worthy of reps!

 

[hisbloodformysins]

We have no control what another person does, only ourselves.

I must say that though I have a general idea of what boundaries look like, i think I have a lot to learn. I'll share more as I read on.

I'm finding some freedom in being open to admitting my own faults and having an increased willingness to take responsibility for me. I'm finding since I've been reading these books, I feel calmer and less reactive.... like today on the road someone honked at me though I went as soon as the light turned green...i think... apparently it wasn't fast enough... the more reactive me would've done something to be stubborn and stop right in my tracks so they'd have to wait longer...but interestingly I didn't get that mad about it, annoyed, but not reactive... I thought "I'm not going to act like an idiot just because someone else is.. they have a right to be an idiot... and that's their problem, not mine".

HB
HB

 

[mkgal1]

We can't change others, but we CAN influence them. Especially people close to us like our husbands and family. If we have been enabling, we have allowed them to not be suffering any consequences from their unhealthy behavior. A button-pusher's lack of ownership SHOULD create problems for Him not us. His lack of awareness and resistance to taking responsibility should cause his life not to work well for him. That can be a great incentive for him to change. In Townsend's book he says that a person with a hot temper who won't listen SHOULD encounter relationship and job problems. A mother who is invasive and intrusive and won't listen SHOULD annoy people in her life, who will then avoid her or not be real with her. An irresponsible adult child who won't listen should, at some point have to live on his own and find a job, even though his quality of life isn't what he is used to.

He then says that these factors aren't punitive, any more than getting drenched from standing in the rain is punitive. It's just how reality works, and those who bend their knee to God's reality principles tend to do better than those who don't.

Setting appropriate boundaries does give us our freedom back. I think what you are feeling is a sense of control again over your life. I know before I understood boundaries (I also have a lot more to learn, and even more to practice), I constantly felt pulled in one direction and then the other direction. Without a firm stance, I was feeling as though I was in a tug of war. I really think it is a long process, but in time, we should be able to get to the point where we can trust the boundaries we have set and will feel less reactive. Those around us will sense our trust in the boundaries and realize we aren't budging. I think that even gives the other people a certain sense of trust, they know what to expect, things aren't going to change on them.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I know that boundaries are good and I am trying to set them... I have a hard time dealing with the perceived loss of relationship though, and most people I set boundaries with are set in their ways, don't see that they do anything wrong, and that is that. So I guess I'm learning how to deal with the discomfort of it, because I'm not used to it. I've been telling myself "it's ok, they don't have to agree with me, and they can chose to respond how they want to, they have that right... but I have to take care of myself". It's really dissapointing to me though. I like to think of myself as someone who tries to be considerate of other points of view, it's dissapointing when others aren't the same way.

I plan on reading some more of the book this afternoon, still in chapter two. Let's see.... I think I read some things that not only made me think of others in my life, but were insightful or convicting to me as well. I think the part where it's listing different areas of boundaries and responsibility in our lives. I was thinking of the part when he mentioned emotional boundaries, how we are responsible for our emotions, but that we have to be intune with them... they are a signle that something is right or wrong, atleast according to what's important to us. I think of an old friend who was very intune with her emotions.... she had no problems with standing up for what she felt and what was important to her... her problem was that she expected others to make her feelings their problem and manipulated like she'd apologize so others would apologize, she's admit she was wrong and take responsibility for things, and then expect others to do likewise, and she'd vented to me a time or two when the person said something to the degree of "apology accepted" rather then apologizing in response as well. She acted as if she apologized for nothing.... and I didn't say this to her, I should have.... but I was thinking that if she were truly sorry, then it shouldn't have mattered whether the other person apologized or not. She would tell me how "she" felt about a conflict between the two of us... and then expect me to "do" something about "her" feelings. It was in this friendship that I began to understand my own need to set boundaries.... and it got to the point that I stopped apologizing and trying to make her feel better. I'd tell her my feelings and stand up for my feelings in the end... and when i stopped bending to her feelings, her final word to me in a conversation was that I was being selfish. Anyways, I said all that to say that reading about taking ownership for our feelings made me think of that. She was standing up for her feelings, but she was expecting others to take ownership for them, to make it their problem. And that is poor boundaries.

I'm thinking that when we consider our feelings and make a stand for them, we need to continue to be responsible for them... like " I realize that my feelings are my problem, not yours, however, inorder to take care of myself I have to do this.....(fill in the blank)" sometimes people will feel like you're controlling them or trying to, like my husband has accused me, but as it states in that book "The Dance of Anger" that is an expected change back reaction, people automatically try to keep the old dance going and they'll make different manipulative statements or different behaviors to do that. I think the key is learning how to respond without arguing with them... like "well, no, I realize you are not responsible for my feelings, but I am, I don't expect you to do anything about it, but this is what "I" need to do for me." And that book really encourages the use of "I" language rather then blaming and accusing and judging "YOu" language. It's a good book.

HB

 

[mkgal1]

One thing I like about "Who's Pushing Your Buttons" is it really gets into what healthy relationships are and to not settle for less. Boundaries is a great place to start, because we need to understand how to separate and define our own lives.

As far as the perceived loss of the relationship, that is a possible consequence, but Townsend offers many steps before things get to that (of course your *difficult* person could always escalate things to that point quicker). He talks about Galatians 6:7 where it says, "Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." He then says, "The basic idea is that for every cause there is an effect; for every action there is a consequence. If we sow love, humility, and responsibility, we SHOULD reap those. If we fail to sow these, we SHOULD experience disconnection, reactions to our pride, and losses." The law of sowing and reaping is powerful, but what usually happens is people enable these people. They are the *squeeky wheel* that ends up getting the grease.

I like that Townsend gives a lot of scripts that give the reader an idea of what to say, using both grace and truth. He emphasizes how important it is to tell your *difficult* person that you value the relationship and you want to be able to solve things in a way that works for both of you. In the case of your friend, and her wanting you to do something about her feelings, what where her feelings she wanted you to do something about? From your posts, I don't expect the feelings she had where actually something you could even do something about, but there are cases that I don't think it's unreasonable to expect others to make us feel better. For instance, if there was a conflict between myself and a friend that actually was a misunderstanding on both our parts. I would hope that she would also take ownership in her part as well. Until then, I would feel the relationship had been fractured and that she had put the blame on me. That would allow resentment to build. Does that make sense? For complete reconciliation, I do feel each person needs to act in repairing the damage that has been done. I kind of think the situation you were talking about was different. Do you feel comfortable sharing the details around that?

 

[hisbloodformysins]

It was for things that weren't my responsibility. Actually, she wanted me to care about her feelings, without giving a thought to mine. I usually did empathize with her feelings... but it got to the point that I had to stop feeding into her trying to make her feelings my problem. She felt *bad* because I confronted things she did that offended me. She should have been making an attempt to empathize with me, however, she'd turn it around on herself and say things like "you make me feel like such a bad person" sniffle sniffle... but she never repented, ever in our relationship... when I was offended, she made it about her.... and I'd then try to repare the relationship, take on responsibility for what I did wrong, but then I became resentful because well, her offensive selfish behavior never changed, and after trying to talk it out with her I didn't feel satisfied, but worse and like my thoughts and feelings weren't respected. It took me a long time to gain the confidence i needed to understand that we had a toxic relationship and that it was very one sided and that it was ok and even understandeable to not have her in my life anymore. I dealt with her for YEARS... the same ole thing. I had to start letting her feel hurt and bad when I confronted her or stood up for my needs, while standing up for MY needs, because no one else was going to do it. I always thought "I just need to forgive" that was the advice that was actually fed to me... basically "Oh, just accept and forgive her, that's the way she is" but that was not ok with me, because I was always feeling angry and resentful towards her for simply being her, and I tried praying it away, I used to chastise myself for feeling angry... but something was wrong, and I didn't feel like anyone understood. I was just supposed to stuff my anger and get over it while she did whatever she wanted to, and also would manipulate with tears and not take any responsibility but rather make excuses for herself when confronted. I started confronting becuase i knew that it needed to be done. I eventually came across that scripture where it says if a brother offends you, confront him, if he doesn't listen bring a witness... bring it to the church, and if he continues to be unrepentive, then have nothing more to do with him. That scripture was God ordained and a god send. I didn't have a church to bring it to, nor any witnesses, because my husband, really my only witness for a lack of friends, would just encourage me to accept her and get over it. I did run the situation by some other christians and received similar advice. However, I knew by then that I didn't need the approval of others but that I needed to have confidence in my heart with God. I finally had the "permission" I needed or God's blessings and understanding to end the relationship that for the longest time I felt obligated to be in.

That was a couple years ago. To this day she is still the same co-dependent, selfish and immature person she was then and just can't do any wrong. I'm just so glad she's not effecting my life anymore. I wish I didn't waste all those years being "friends" with her.... however, experiencing what I did was the first step to learning about setting boundaries, because before then I was just a nice person who anyone could talk to and take advantage. I've learned to become more "selfish" or basically to take better care of myself. It was quite a lesson and maybe a blessing in disguise.