who is being inconsiderate?

[Karabear84]

My good friend is struggling with a situation and I thought I would ask a question to see if I can help her better. We are part of a small young adults group. Over a year ago, her boyfriend basically lied to her, dumped her cold, and told her she never meant that much to him. She was devestated and being part of our group was a great blessing for her in her healing process.

Recently, one of the guys in our group (unwittingly) happened to become friends with her ex. He also (unwittingly again) invited him to one of our social outings. This left my friend a total mess, which was sad because she had really been trying to move on.

She let the guy in our group know the basic situation that it was hurtful and hard on her to be around her ex, that she respected they were friends, but asked him if he could not invite him out to our group activities. From what I understand he just said something to the effect that its not her business because the ex-bf is now his friend and that a Christian group shouldnt exclude anyone anyway.

We had another social activity this weekend, and of course, the ex-bf was invited again. My friend just went straight home...

The guy in our group says her ex-bf has moved on and doesnt care. He also seems to be content with just showing up to our social activities instead of trying to be in our group.

My friend feels the guy in our group is being really inconsiderate to her because he wont leave his friendship out of our group. The guy feels like she should have moved on already, and that he shouldnt have to leave his friend out to accomodate her feelings.

Im torn because deep down, I feel my friend is right she deserves the chance to have a life that doesnt include her ex. She had it, and now others are trying to take that from her. Yet, to exclude someone seems questionably wrong too. What do you all think?

 

[BasinBrat]

Excluding someone from stuff isn't wrong, so long as its just 'not inviting' rather than 'deliberately excluding'. If the ex is upsetting your friend, she has every right to say she doesn't want him included in your groups outings. The guy in your group cannot tell her how to feel and is basically being an insensitive jerk IMO.

Could you or your friend organise the next outing? Then you can specifically not invite this ex.

 

[Luther073082]

Ugg tough situation.

I think the guy in this group is kind of being a jerk and not understanding things.

I know its tough but I think maybe she should look for a different group if she can. You could help her and go with her to those.

But you can't make the guy stop inviting him and it doesn't sound like he is going to even after you ask him. So I think its better if she goes to a different group to avoid having him in her life.

 

[Macx]

We are talking girlfriend/boyfriend . . . . not man and wife. It is a painful lesson, but until there is a mariage, it isn't that serious of a relationship. People are free to come and go as they please & it is good and right that it is so. Having realized he isn't the right girl for her, he moved on. How much worse would it be if he had satyed with, followed through to marriage and then have it all fall apart? Seems your (OP's) friend is looking at mercy as if it were persecution.

He also seems to be content with just showing up to our social activities instead of trying to be in our group.

This distinction is strange sounding. Is there an initiation to be in the group? Or, what exactly are we talking about?

 

[KGirl]

I agree that he shouldn't invite the guy. He can still be friends with the guy even if he goes to a different church gathering. Also she really doesn't have control of that so she might have to consider finding a new group unfortunately if this keeps happening.

 

[alfrodull]

This is indeed tough. A church-related group really can't exclude someone. On the other hand, you may be the only friends this girl has. Even if the breakup was a good thing in the long run, it's understandable that being around him is too emotionally painful for her to handle...especially if she feels you guys prefer him to her.

In the end, one of them probably has to go. I would pressure the guy to attend your church-related events as well as your social ones. Maybe he'd decide it wasn't worth it. And I'd encourage the girl to find another group if it's too emotionally painful for her.

 

[breathe_light]

Hey Kara, how close is the young adults group? If it's a massive group, then I guess you might not be real close to this guy friend but even so, you're part of a Christian group and he should be considerate enough to sit down and talk about how much this means to your good friend. Just because the ex has moved on doesn't mean she has moved on and I think it's the duty of the other people/guys in the group to be sensitive to that fact and help her heal by giving her the emotional space she needs. Simply saying "you should have moved on by now" and acting as if she has I think is very inconsiderate. However, they do make a good point and it has been a whole year so if she is reacting so dramatically, perhaps you girls need to be a bit more involved in helping her move on. Maybe talk about how she feels when she sees him and affirming her decision to distance herself from him. Stay by her when he comes. I think being able to come to the point where she can deal with his presence at the same gathering (she doesn't have to talk to him or anything, and don't put any pressure on her to do so nor let any other less sensitive person make comments about it) would be very empowering to her, actually. It will prove that she has really moved on. Only when she is ready though.

 

[citizenthom]

Reality check: This is a tough lesson, but it's one your friend needs to learn. People don't completely fall off the face of the earth once you break up. As she grows up, she may have to see exes or failed dates at work, in class, and yes, at church. You have to be able to be an adult about it and deal with it constructively.

Faith check: Do you really think it's health that your friend is so hurt over this--and so attached to her pain--that she would risk someone's salvation and edification over it?

 

[JCFantasy23]

It's a tough one really. I'm not sure what is right. On one hand the guy in the group sounds like he is being insensitive, but on the other hand it's been a year and this is his friend who he wants to be a part of the church group. I am sure many people in the group have ex's too, and you can't only create groups for people who never dated each other.


I'm sure it is hard for your friend to see the ex and this is where it's hard for her as well, as I'm sure he acts all nonchalant. So, I do feel for her. Just a tough situation all around.

 

[aric714]

I think that even know it might be EXTREMELY hard for your friend to be around him she has a bit of maturing to do. He hasn't disappeared forever and there is no telling when she will run into him again or even might even need him on an occasion. Though the break up was harsh and she's trying to move on, she needs to get to the place where she can atleast be around him. She doesn't have to like him or become his friend but being civil with him will be the first step to really recovering from it all. Blocking things out, avoiding him, and acting as if he is Satan himself is only setting her back. Maybe there a reason he is coming around. She's giving him WAY too much control over how she feels and acts (like going home as soon as he shows up, being upset) and she's not truly facing what has happened between them to.

Tell her to buckle up and face this thing head on.

 

[RachieCat]

A year is not that long for this kind of hurt and I see the guys as(BOTH) being very inconsiderate but I would ignore and not allow the ex to get to me. I feel she needs to put on a tough shell here.