Where should I go from here?

[memoriesbymichelle]

So I think I posted on another thread about my step daughter going on a rant because she found out my son's plan and he told her not to tell me. The rant included her telling me that I have always acted holier than thou and I was a critical self controlling person and that her dad beat her because of me (that is definitely not true)

So since the rant the silence has been golden and deafening but I am not sure where to go from here.

Every reply I made to her was not accusatory and I tried to reiterate that it wasn't about her and I DID give it to God and I was sorry that she was so upset over it.

I don't really feel like I "owe" her an apology, nor do I want to grovel to get back into her good graces (cuz since I "thought" we were on good terms before, now I know that was all a front)

I love her and care about her as I do all my family. And she is also struggling in her marriage atm.

So what would you do? Wait until she contacts me? Or post an apology even though I don't feel I owe her one?

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Tough one. Let it go for a couple of weeks and hope she has calmed down?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Tough one. Let it go for a couple of weeks and hope she has calmed down?

Well the rant was on October 29th so.....kind of has been a couple of weeks. Also the thing is, now that she has said some things. Even though I have forgiven her and allowed her to have her feelings I don't really feel like confiding in her and not sure how we can continue seeing that she sees me as a self righteous, holier than thou control freak, ya know?

It's so weird because her mom and dad are gone and now that she has been married for awhile I truly thought she was a different person based on our conversations. I have even defended her to other family members that are pretty sure the old person in her was still alive and well.
On one hand, she IS different, but maybe it's just that some things never change?? The thing she said that hurt the worse is that her dad beat her becuz of me even though she says it was while I was supposedly at my moms .
Anyway, I'm not going to do anything. I was the one that responded last and I said again I was sorry she was so upset, and sorry I didn't understand her, even though I do try.
It truly amazes me how hard some people like to make their lives and how easily they throw away people that they say they love.

 

[renewed21]

So I think I posted on another thread about my step daughter going on a rant because she found out my son's plan and he told her not to tell me. The rant included her telling me that I have always acted holier than thou and I was a critical self controlling person and that her dad beat her because of me (that is definitely not true)

So since the rant the silence has been golden and deafening but I am not sure where to go from here.

Every reply I made to her was not accusatory and I tried to reiterate that it wasn't about her and I DID give it to God and I was sorry that she was so upset over it.

I don't really feel like I "owe" her an apology, nor do I want to grovel to get back into her good graces (cuz since I "thought" we were on good terms before, now I know that was all a front)

I love her and care about her as I do all my family. And she is also struggling in her marriage atm.

So what would you do? Wait until she contacts me? Or post an apology even though I don't feel I owe her one?

I could tell you how a man would handle it, but it wouldnt work with women so I am useless to you.....sorry

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I could tell you how a man would handle it, but it wouldnt work with women so I am useless to you.....sorry

I am still interested. Do tell

 

[renewed21]

I am still interested. Do tell

ok, get ready for some useless advice

I would talk to her face-to-face and tell her the truth about how you feel. I would tell her how you feel about her, her actions and how her actions have consequences.

I would tell her that what she said were lies and that some point in her life she will have to grow up and be more mature and break the cycle of human vanity and pettiness. I would tell her that the choice is hers to do the right thing or not.

But , as I 've stated, females dont like to communicate in this direct manner.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

It sounds like she is being a bully. If you try to be "nice" and "reasonable" to a bully, the bully will see that as weakness.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

ok, get ready for some useless advice

I would talk to her face-to-face and tell her the truth about how you feel. I would tell her how you feel about her, her actions and how her actions have consequences.

I would tell her that what she said were lies and that some point in her life she will have to grow up and be more mature and break the cycle of human vanity and pettiness. I would tell her that the choice is hers to do the right thing or not.

But , as I 've stated, females dont like to communicate in this direct manner.

See now, that's where I must be different from other women. I totally like the direct approach method. I always tell people the truth when they ask me.
Once at work I was working with an older than me lady and I joked with her about she had better get the fitting room cleaned out. She did not take it as a joke and went to my manager and said that I implied that she wasn't a good worker and it made her feel bad etc etc etc. So of course my manager asked me about it and I told her what happened. But THEN, the next time I worked with her I brought it up because that's what adults do IMO. I did apologize and told her how I thought she was a great worker etc etc etc. NOW her and I work really well together and the other day she introduced me to a new person and told the new person that I was the BEST person to work with! It would have been very different if I did not confront the issue. I also told her in the future if I say something that offends her I would expect her to tell me that she didn't like what I said or it hurt her feelings or whatever. She agreed.

I cannot however in this case talk to her "face to face" as she lives in another state. It's funny too because I can tell when she's been on FB but she is never there when I go on.
I am not going to play into her hurtfulness. I was the one that responded last. It says on FB that she saw it....ball is now in her court. She is the one that pushes everyone that loves her away and I have my two sons that live with me to concern myself with. I love her and if she DOES contact me, she will have to answer for the lies she said to me because I WILL ask her about them. Otherwise we can continue on in this Silence is Golden, or Deafening situation we are currently in. She put us there. I did not.

 

[MorkandMindy]

If what you say can't fix the situation then who you are will have to do it.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Here is the example I was thinking of:


When Bankei held his seclusion-weeks of meditation (a retreat), pupils from many parts of Japan came to attend. During one of these gatherings a pupil was caught stealing. The matter was reported to Bankei with the request that the culprit be expelled. Bankei ignored the case.

Later the pupil was caught in a similar act, and again Bankei disregarded the matter. this angered the other pupils, who drew up a petition asking for the dismissal of the thief, stating that otherwise they would leave in a body.

When Bankei had read the petition he called everyone before him. "You are wise brothers," he told them. "You know what is right and what is not right. You may somewhere else to study if you wish, but this poor brother does not even know right from wrong. Who will teach him if I do not? I am going to keep him here even if all the rest of you leave."

A torrent of tears cleansed the face of the brother who had stolen. All desire to steal had vanished.

 

[dayhiker]

Mork .. Bankei is wiser than I'd be in that situation.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Mork .. Bankei is wiser than I'd be in that situation.

He completely left me behind too.

What impressed the thieving student I guess was that Bankei was willing to lose his entire summer school to save him.


What is totally puzzling me now is how to express to someone that her concern for her step daughter who is an orphan will speak louder than any words can, without sounding trite or falling into the 'it's easy for you to say' sort of category of big talkers. It really is a big obstacle when the person you need to support is the same person as is angry with you.

Similarly my sister is in a difficult and very complex situation and although I can sometimes see the best course of action, doing it is an altogether bigger challenge.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

He completely left me behind too.

What impressed the thieving student I guess was that Bankei was willing to lose his entire summer school to save him.


What is totally puzzling me now is how to express to someone that her concern for her step daughter who is an orphan will speak louder than any words can, without sounding trite or falling into the 'it's easy for you to say' sort of category of big talkers. It really is a big obstacle when the person you need to support is the same person as is angry with you.

Similarly my sister is in a difficult and very complex situation and although I can sometimes see the best course of action, doing it is an altogether bigger challenge.

I liked the story, but I'm not sure what you are trying to express to me. I was the last responder saying I was sorry that I didn't understand but I did try........
what I have learned in my life is some people cannot be helped until they think they need it or want it. I have tried in the past to help her by listening to her, giving advice when she seeks it and telling her I understand and loving her no matter what. I have forgiven her already, but I am not sure, because of her silence, if she is ready, willing, or able to hear that. So until she is that is where we are. But whenever or if ever that happens, she must still acknowledge that some of what she said was not true and even whether she does that or not, I don't think we will ever be as close as we were before she said anything because I am not about to be put out to be run over again. I will love her, I will listen to her, if she wants advice I will give it, otherwise not, but she is not the person I will confide in because she cannot be trusted with my thoughts. Very few people in life can and although I am sorry our relationship has changed it just has.
She cannot just get away with telling me not to mention what my husband might think because he is dead, and in the second breath say that he beat her because of me no no no no no. For one, it's a complete lie and for two it's one way tolerance, which I do not tolerate.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Greetings Michelle

I really am just totally guessing and you must know that, I'm in a different culture and know none of those involved but here's my very poor guesses:

It sounds like you have done all that anyone could do

Your step daughter has attempted to express the hurt she felt. By being inaccurate about being pushed against the wall she was both lying but at the same time still failing to fully express how much it hurt.

Your step daughter can't fault her father and is therefore faulting you, even though it isn't your fault, at present that is the way she is mentally handling it.

I hope these guesses aren't offensive and that at least one of them is in some way helpful.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Greetings Michelle

I really am just totally guessing and you must know that, I'm in a different culture and know none of those involved but here's my very poor guesses:

It sounds like you have done all that anyone could do

Your step daughter has attempted to express the hurt she felt. By being inaccurate about being pushed against the wall she was both lying but at the same time still failing to fully express how much it hurt.

Your step daughter can't fault her father and is therefore faulting you, even though it isn't your fault, at present that is the way she is mentally handling it.

I hope these guesses aren't offensive and that at least one of them is in some way helpful.

nope not offensive, I appreciate your imput. It makes sense. I will just keep praying for her and hope for some sort of reconciliation, but it will never be what I thought it was, even though it wasn't IYKWIM?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Still no word from her and I have to admit it is tearing me up. But not enough to reach out to her. I really do forgive her, but I guess part of me is wondering how long she wants me to suffer without her? So for that reason, I will not be the one to communicate first. I did post a picture on her FB wall of giraffe's because she likes them, but I got no response, which I didn't expect one anyway.

The saddest thing for me, I guess, is that I really really thought she was different. I thought she had grown up and loved the Lord (which I do believe she loves the Lord) and I thought she had changed. Of course our family members didn't believe me and I thought I had judged her character correctly. So maybe that's why it hit me a little harder because I was wrong?

And in light of the recent incident with the children being killed, I think of her and of all my family members, she is the only one that I would be worried about doing something weird like this. I guess everyone has to have one in their family right? IDK

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

You seem like the type of person who tries to be understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt. The risk with that is that you might be wrong and the person will disappoint you. For some years I was the opposite - I tried to be a fortress to keep people away. I don't recommend that extreme. You can at least say that you tried. And you should not feel like you failed. And I hope you were joking about her being able to do something crazy and violent. If people who know her are talking about that, that right there is a negative sign.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You seem like the type of person who tries to be understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt. The risk with that is that you might be wrong and the person will disappoint you. For some years I was the opposite - I tried to be a fortress to keep people away. I don't recommend that extreme. You can at least say that you tried. And you should not feel like you failed. And I hope you were joking about her being able to do something crazy and violent. If people who know her are talking about that, that right there is a negative sign.

I DO try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I try to think about them as positively as I can, probably to a fault sometimes and I know people let you down all the time, and there is no stopping that. I will not shut people out because they let me down. If I give them the chance, they ARE going to, at some point let me down or disappoint me. That's human nature.
In her past she has tried to commit suicide (I wasn't there so that's been debated among family members but according to her she has) by taking pills. She loves animals and has never been violent toward them. She really hasn't been violent, per se, toward people, except verbally, but her husband once said she put a gun to her head in his presence (again I wasn't there and don't know him, she said the gun wasn't loaded). She kicked her sister and 5 kids and husband out while they were visiting and just stopping to stay the night because of some fight she had with her sister. Her sister was very pregnant at the time and they had traveled from Indiana and were on their way back to Arizona. And that was the first time her sister's husband and his kids met her! So she DOES have a temper and is obviously a very angry woman who holds her past (even demented memories) close. But in typing this out, I realize she probably would hurt herself and not others. She is a very troubled soul. I just happen to love her as my daughter even if she shuns me.