"When you stop trying, it will happen." Really?

[BookwormPrincess]

Hi everyone,
I haven't told many people or friends that I am ttc, but those I have told always say "stop trying for a baby, and then it will happen". Two of my friends who are mothers say that it was only when they had stopped trying that they fell pregnant.

Do you think this is just a cliche, or is there some truth in it?

And also, please tell me how on earth you "stop trying" when secretly I know I would still be counting the days and checking cm and seducing hubbie on the 'right' nights! Are these people telling me the truth - do they mean they actually gave up hope or didn't care if it happened or not? You see I've always thought that you can't just hope for something without helping yourself help it happen, if that makes sense.

I am getting a bit fed-up of hearing it you see , and thought I'd ask you all what you think.

(I think I have a suspicion that it may be to do with more relaxing and less obsessing, but I'm not so good at those!)

 

[Jillymac]

My pregnant friend says the exact same thing to me, but she's only saying that now she's pg funnily enough. THe point in not thinking about it is probably to reduce the stress you feel every month and therefore may help in relaxing you and hormones etc.

However like you said, it will always still be in the back of your mind and i know it will always be in the back of my mind, in fact at the moment it's taking over my mind.

I guess the main thing is to relax and take each day as it comes, to pray and ask God for patience and strength and to rest in His timing as it is perfect. It is always easier said than done, but we need to really push ourselves to BELIEVE and KNOW that God has the perfect plan for our lives.

I find that i'm now reminding myself of the verse i have in my signature daily!!

 

[fspch]

I live in china and china is a very populous country. And many young couples don't want to have children. I am one of them.

 

[Singin4Him]

I hate to add to your annoyance but I really believe this to be true. I believe this is how we conceived our son. My husband and I had been trying for 7 months with one miscarriage and I was just ready to give up. We decided to stop "trying" and just let God do what he was going to do. Of course we were still TTC but not to the point where I was consumed with the anticipation of taking a pregnancy test or 4 lol. TTC just seemed to consume my thinking and really began to take it's toll on our marriage as well. We were just so stressed out, especially when month after month we'd get another BFN. So I believe by making the decision to stop being so consumed with trying it took a huge load of stress off of us and that really helped. The very month we decided to relax and stop "trying" was the month we conceived our son .

It may sound cliche but my beautiful 1 month old baby is proof it really does work.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Just playing devils advocate here, BUT

If we believe that it's in God's hands it shouldn't matter if we "just stop trying" or continue on the way we've been. When He decides it's time, it's time. Regardless of whether you are actively TTC or not. YKWIM?

I'm just saying- if you truly believe that just letting God do what he's gonna do- chances are if you were still trying to conceive as actively as before you stopped "trying" chances are you still would have gotten pregnant. Unless of course you believe that God has nothing to do with that kind of thing

 

[CarrieAg93]

It happened to us too. We had tried for 2 yrs. and had had 1 miscarriage. We literally gave and were considering other options. We were planning on attending an adoption seminar the week I found out I was pregnant. I do think you're right, Bookworm, in that it's more about stopping obsessing and reducing stress than anything else. Good luck.

 

[Jillymac]

I also think it's about making sure your 100% focus is on God and that TTC doesn't steal some of that focus away, which it can so easily do.
I think we can all get a little obsessive about TTC (which is so natural, all the waiting and POAS etc) but maybe the whole letting go relieves you of your thinking on TTC and stressing about it and makes all the more room for God again? Therefore letting God in control.

I don't know, these are just thoughts i've been having lately.

I just feel that it's really important not to be consumed by TTC but again it's trying to occupy our minds with God rather than TTC i suppose. I have had a number of points over the last few weeks where i've sat and thought that i just so want to not be ttc because it is consuming me too much.

I've got caught up in something that i wanted just to be so natural and just "let it happen" but because i'm charting because of my duff cycles it makes you all the more aware of what your body is doing.

 

[HeyHomie]

My wife and I stopped trying.

Four years later we gave up completely and I had a vasectomy.

(There's slightly more to the story than that, but my point is, the phrase "Stop trying for a baby and then it will happen" is a meaningless platitude.)

 

[Singin4Him]

My wife and I stopped trying.

Four years later we gave up completely and I had a vasectomy.

(There's slightly more to the story than that, but my point is, the phrase "Stop trying for a baby and then it will happen" is a meaningless platitude.)

It's more about letting God be in control of the situation.

 

[BookwormPrincess]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies to my question.
There's certainly a lot to think about, and I've been thinking about it a lot recently (no surprises there! lol)

Jillymac, I so know what you mean about it taking over your mind and also not wanting to be ttc because it can be all consuming. It is about letting God take control like you say, but not just about a baby, but about everything and more importantly about our minds and our agendas I guess.

HeyHomie, I do partially agree that it is just a platitide, but I don't think it is entirely meaningless. It's helped so many people, like Singin4Him and CarrieAg93, and our numerous friends who keep mentioning it, that there has to be some nuggett of truth there somewhere. It's this nuggett, this finely tuned balance that I am trying to find.

SoTFB, I agree with your take on it - that thought has crossed my mind so much, because after all we do have our parts to play in God's plan.

So I think I've come to the conclusion that it is defintely to do with our state of mind about ttc, not whether we are charting, using OPK's or sticking our legs in the air (chuckle!) And that must be where the truth lies .... for most people when they stop trying it relives the pressure and the stress so their boides relax and are able to do what they need to do. Our minds and bodies are so intrinsically linked that one can't help but affect the other, positively or negatively.

The part I'm struggling with now that I feel more relaxed about it this month, is trying to keep the hope and belief that it can happen alive rather than telling myself it's not going to happen (ever). Telling myself it probably won't happen this month will relieve the disappointment, but .... I don't want to stop believing that God will bless us with a baby. It's such a fine line for me. So even though I am more relaxed about it, I don't think I've quite conquered my thoughts yet .... I'll just keep praying!

 

[BookwormPrincess]

Ah Ha, last night I realised what makes it worse for me about desperately wanting to conceive. It's when I think about how wonderful it would be for all my family, like my Mum being a Nan for the first time and my brother and sister being aunts and uncles that I want it even more badly .... so when it doesn't turn out that I'm pregnant I am not only disappointed for myself but for everyone else too! Anyone else feel like that?

Note to self: must not fantasise about the joy a baby brings! in fact, must not fantasise about a baby at all (not until I'm pg, at least)

Wonder how long I'll be able to keep that up?

Hugs to everyone.

 

[tigercub]

It is more about relaxing and not being stressed out that makes it 'happen'.

That said...we have stopped 'trying' for a little while now and so far - BFNs!

 

[chillybean]

each time we conceived was a month that I was completely obsessed about ttc. And I don't ovulate often at all. I think stress affects ovulation but not conception (don't quote me) and God's plan. Still, my stressed out impatient obsessing did not stop the bfp, and if it could have for anyone, it would likely have been me because of my cycles. So don't feel like you are hindering yourselves by planning and obsessing. However, that kind of stress can have other consequences, like on a marriage, your ability to have peace, relate to God, etc... so reducing stress is a great idea.
I think that the saying is not provable, and I don't really believe it (due to my experience of course), but if someone does, hey, go with it. But reducing stress is not so helpful if you completely forget about timing and doing all you can to conceive by your knowledge. My babies were miracles from God, and yours will be too.
I'm rambling, sorry.
chillybean

 

[BookwormPrincess]

each time we conceived was a month that I was completely obsessed about ttc. And I don't ovulate often at all. I think stress affects ovulation but not conception (don't quote me) and God's plan. Still, my stressed out impatient obsessing did not stop the bfp, and if it could have for anyone, it would likely have been me because of my cycles. So don't feel like you are hindering yourselves by planning and obsessing. However, that kind of stress can have other consequences, like on a marriage, your ability to have peace, relate to God, etc... so reducing stress is a great idea.
I think that the saying is not provable, and I don't really believe it (due to my experience of course), but if someone does, hey, go with it. But reducing stress is not so helpful if you completely forget about timing and doing all you can to conceive by your knowledge. My babies were miracles from God, and yours will be too.
I'm rambling, sorry.
chillybean

Thanks for this chillybean, I really needed to hear the other side from someone who it wasn't just about 'not trying and then it happended'. It felt so good to hear from someone 'completely obsessed about ttc'.

I know that reducing stress and pressure is very helpful and important ... but like you say not so good if you miss the important fertile time of the month (unless you'd planned to have a month off during that time and you were aware of it).

You are right, babies are God's miracles and gifts to us.