When to tell my 4 year old, he has a different daddy???

[antojak]

My husband and I whom I have 2 children from seporated for a couple of years in early 2000, during that time I entered into a relationship with another man and fell pregnant with my son, who is now 4 years old. My husband through all this continued to pray throughout our troubles and a year after my son was born we reconciled.

My husband has been the only father my son has ever known, when I lived with my former partner I had the feeling that I didn't belong there so I left him when my son was only 3 months old. My former partner did not show any interest in our son and gave no financial support. Last year I contacted him asking him if he would allow my husband to adopt our son, and he agreed. We are now in the process of my husband adopting our son and we are excited about it.

Now my question is, should I tell my 4 year old that he was adopted. A social worker here in New Zealand feels strongly that I should tell my son now, and alow him to carry a photo of his natural father..................my older children are not aware that their little brother is only their half brother, so when I tell my 4 year old, I'll have to break the news to my older children too (ages 12, and 9)

Any advice would be great.

 

[Linnis]

If your husband is adopting him I see no reason to tell him right now, he may not understand, even more so because his biological father is not in his life at such a young age.

When he's older you can explain his biological father is not Daddy, daddy adopted him. While his Father isn't in his life, Daddy picked him to be his son and loves him so much etc Keep it simple as he gets older when he asks questions, give him what information you feel is best for a 4 year old.

 

[Leanna]

That's an excellent question. I would talk to some counselors and find any books you could find on the subject. I don't think any of us would know the best thing

 

[Princessperky]

I'll second what Leanna said first, I doubt we could know the perfect thing.

But I would guess do not lie, if you can practice the phrasing so that you are not lieing. If he knows what is going on at all (in my house all is known, no way I could go too court for official documents without a bombardment of questions!) I would tell him honestly, but simply.

I would prolly stress that his daddy (the one loving him) loves him no matter what, but the adoption is for legal reasons (taxes, silly grownup stuff) Something like 'we know daddy loves you and that makes you his son, but the government wants official documents for the record."

I don't think I would waste time on the picture of the biological father, if he isn't around, you don't have to really, but I would be prepared for questions when your son is older (have the picture and last address for him).

My mother adopted a boy and working on another, she told him they 'chose to love him' and left questions about his parents for later. My DS asked and I said they couldn't take care of him, so Nana will. (I didn't go into why, just how nice it was that Nana will)

BTW My mother also told her kid that Joseph chose to love Jesus just like she chose to love him, I thought that was cute .

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

I don't know if 4 is the right age but I think I would try and start age appropriate explanations soon especially before your son becomes a teenager when I think it might have the most adverse effect.

My grandmother had a child out of wedlock before she married my grandfather. My aunt was still a baby and my grandfather adopted her. Back then as part of adoption you were supposed to inform the child when they turned 16 and so they did. It really devestated my aunt because everything she had known to be true was know thrown up in the air. She loved her daddy and was crushed that she wasn't his biological child. I'm no expert on this and each family needs to do what they feel is best but I think it might be better for a child that they know from a young age rather than get a big surprise when they're older.

 

[all4peace]

I was in a similar situation. . . I had a child at 19 and the father did not stick around. . . he left when he found out I was pregnant. I married when she was 1 1/2 years old and she has known my husband as her father ever since. I did, however, tell her at about age 4 or 5 that my husband was not her biological father, that someone else helped make her. . . but that my husband is her daddy. She took it pretty well, and as she grew older she asked more questions. She is 18 now and has very little interest in knowing her biological father. When she was little I struggled with wondering whether I should tell her the truth or not also. . . and I am very glad I decided to tell her the truth, she deserved to know.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

I feel strongly that your child should find out as early as possible. I've known children who were adopted and found out as teens or adults they were adopted and they literally felt like their lives were shattered. Heck, I had a tough time as a young adult finding out I was a 'love child'.

I believe you need to stress how much Daddy loves him and that he is his father but introduce him to the idea of adoption. You could introduce him to kids who have been adopted and explain the situation with them. This will help ease the transition into his life story.

 

[antojak]

Thanks for all your replies. It's such a hard decision, and to be honest quite a difficult one to talk about with my husband (I know it shouldn't be this way, we always seem to just ignore the past, maybe thats unhealthy????)

His biological father has agreed to be involved in my sons life when I do tell him the truth, I know it's not in our (my husband and I) best interests but I feel it is good for my son. Any opinions on that?

 

[Leanna]

Little kids do strive on consistancy. It makes a lot of sense to tell your child early so it isn't such a shock in teenage years.

I agree that it is very important how your husband feels about this, so I am interested to hear what he says.

I have gone back and forth on this, but right now I feel it is best if the father is not around-- unless he demands his rights in which case you cannot refuse. Just don't encourage him to visit, or call and volunteer. Maybe you guys could wait until your son is old enough to ask and want to meet his biological father and then have them start spending limited time together-- couple times a year. I am assuming your ex is a stand up guy and wants the best for your son.

Is your husband's name on the birth certificate?

 

[Mskedi]

My mom's father wasn't her biological father, but he loved her like she was. My grandmother had been married and divorced when she was pregnant with my mom. My mom's natural father had no desire to be with her.

My grandfather adopted my mom and treated her just as though she were his own. He had two children with my grandmother a few years after they got married.

My mom found out she had been adopted when she was 16. Since her father had loved her all her life, she wasn't hurt, nor did she feel that she had been lied to. Her father, as far as she was concerned, was still her father. She didn't make any effort to find her birth father until after my grandfather died, and that was only because she was having health problems that weren't explained on her mother's side. Her birth father was already dead at that point.

I didn't find out my grandfather wasn't my real grandfather until the day he died. It wasn't a secret, it's just that no one had ever thought to mention it.

So... my take on this is that you can wait. If he's a good father, there shoudn't be any hurt when your child finds out the truth, but as a young child there could be confusion.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

Ya know, jes bout any man can 'father' a child, but it takes a lot more to be a daddy to a child. I'm leanin towards why bother to tell em, ya know? I mean if an only IF that bio-father wasn't ever goin to be interested in his life etc, then let your hubby adopt em not only legally but in ever other sense of the word as well an make your son his son. I kno wya said the bio-father has all of a sudden offered to be involved so that would be ya'lls call, but I don't know why you'd havta er should tell your son.

I of course cain't speak from any experience really, my half brother found out an it didn't seem to phase em any, but my wifes aunt I hear was devistated. While I think I can see why she would have been, I'm jes wonderin why it's gotta be this way er that. could your son jes not live all his life knowin that your hubby is his daddy? Regardless of who sired em in the first place. course I'm jes sorta ramblin on here tryin to figure out what I'd do.

 

[Leanna]

I should have told you this earlier, but I forgot

There is a Christian discussion forum for infidelity that produced a pregnancy/child here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/postlist.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB35

Also, I did receive a reply to my PM but it didn't say anything so I don't know if you meant to have smoething written there or not.... fyi

 

[Linnis]

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend while pregnant, later married a man, that man is Daddy to her child. Her biological Father is called "Father" although he's taken himself out of the picture and her husband is known as Daddy to her child.

 

[Cright]

I suggest letting him know young that he has a father, but that your husband is daddy.

Since your husband has adopted your son, I think that there is no need to have bio dad in the picture. If in 4 years he hasn't been involved, I woulden't encourage it now. He's got a dad.

Send him pictures a couple times a year of his son, and allow visits a couple times a year or something, but I wouldent' subject your husband to that uncomfortable ness of having this guy around now after he's shown no interest in the last 4+ years.

My .02

 

[all4peace]

If your sons father wants to be involved in his life. . . I would DEFINATELY tell him. . . no question.