When I drink I become violent...

[NewlyWife]

I joined this forum today because I am in need of Christian support for my drinking.

I do not drink regularly, but when I do I have a problem stopping. If I go beyond two drinks, the part of my brain that says "you need to stop, you've had too much" just shuts down. I just keep going and going. I am 125 lbs and 5'2" tall, and I was told in college when I last sought help that I drank enough to make a 200-lb man DRUNK, and I did this on a regular basis. I blacked out. I drank Jameson whiskey by the double and did shots. Lots of shots. My behavior could be very embarrassing.

When I drink that much, I don't get sick, or stumble around, or pass out. I just keep functioning. I have driven while drunk too many times to count. I was let off the one time I was pulled over and got away without a DUI, and I thought I'd learned my lesson. Well, I hadn't.

For the past three years, while I've been dating my husband, I have settled down into a very tame lifestyle. I work a full time IT job and travel for work. I am a photographer as a side job/hobby and spend a lot of time comfortably at home with my husband and our dog. We don't go out often. We are home-bodies for the most part, save for going out with friends or family 2-3 times a month.

Last weekend, we went to spend "one or two hours" at a friend's 30th birthday party. Despite having a 9am commitment, I said nothing when hours went by and we were still there. I drank vodka and beer, and vodka is one of the worse culprits in my history of awful drunken experiences. I insisted on driving myself, my husband, and our good friend, who was once our roommate and was our best man at our recent wedding, home from the bar. At some point, my husband and I started arguing. In the midst of yelling at him, I raised my fist and punched him. More than once. Our friend was in the back seat.

My husband proceeded to call me awful names and tell me he was leaving me. He said he couldn't believe how dumb, uneducated, mean, violent, stupid, pathetic, useless, etc etc etc I was. He called me every name in the book. Once we got home, I nearly called 911 to have myself brought to detox. I broke down crying.

I don't know what to do with myself. I hate violence, but I know that there is an explosive and dangerous part of me that feels relief from stress by hitting something or someone, or throwing or breaking something. When I drink, that part of me is totally unchecked. When my husband drinks, he gets so frustrated with this part of me that his behavior is unchecked, and he yells and yells and calls names and is incredibly mean. We are an awful drunk combo, but I believe it's worse to hit someone than to assault verbally.

The worst part of this is that I have lost (and rightfully so) some of my husband's respect and trust. Has anyone else struggled with this? How do I begin to repair this? How do I make the promise that it won't happen again and make SURE that I follow through on that?

I am making plans for how I am going to stop drinking, at least for a year or so. I've asked my family to supply non-alcoholic beverages at holiday gatherings this year, and would like to take on a role of designated driver for any gatherings we go to. I am devastated that this has happened. I am racked with guilt and disgust right now. I really don't trust myself anymore, and I am very afraid of starting out on a path to recovery all gung-ho, and then losing steam and going right back to where I was two nights ago. Please help...

 

[BlessEwe]

Awww, the Jeckyll and Hyde syndrom... I know that one very well Well knew that one, and I got worse.

While in our addiction it is well known that we try to change what we drink, how we drink, ect. ect. But as they say. Insanity is " Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result.

It is also well known that people in recovery may come from completly different lifestyles, or backrounds. But we all are so much alike when it comes to how our brains work with the addiction, and what we tell ourself. Your story sounds just like mine used to be.

All that this type of life will lead to is Jails, Institutions and Death.

It can not be up to anyone but you to do what needs to be done, I am not a doctor and can not tell you that you are an alcoholic. But I know I am, and our story is the same.

Now for the Hope of recovery. Its looking at yourself for the first time, and being honest with yourself. It is painful to do, because we don't like pain. This is why it is so important to have a group that can hold you up until you can stand strong on your own.
This is not for your family to do, unless they are well informed and in recovery for along time themself.
You need to be surrounded by people who will hold you accountable, teach you to see your own triggers or danger signs of a relapse.
To be honest, your life depends on it.
I have never in my life felt better, free, and really being the mother, wife and human God wants me to be. Not that this means I am perfect. But I am work in progress for the rest of my life. Its so cool to know people who really understand me.
I understand myself, and I am proud of myself.

Ok you feel like yuck right now, and this is right where you need to be.
Sick of it, and ready to change.

First pray, and ask God to lead you. Get to some meetings and stand up reach out for help. Take this serious.. If you don't get it, stay until you do.

Feel free to email me anytime, I can really say I know how you feel. As you will find many in the meetings will too.

I hope the best for you, and know that recovery is not easy but can be a wonderful journey.

 

[BobW188]

Sounds to me like you don't have the only drinking problem in your marriage. Verbal abuse may not be as bad as physical; but it's still abuse.
BlessEwe has pretty well covered where you should go from here; but I hope your husband has sense enough to join you. Both in recovery and in couples counselling. But don't wait on him. Give AA a call and get to some meetings.
Also, keep posting. We've been where you are. We care.

 

[Born2Serve06]

I would start by going to an AA meeting. You don't want your life to go down the drain and addictions are hard to beat by yourself. I had two brothers that drank a lot and the hard stuff. One night while they were drinking they got into an argument and one thing lead to another. Then the older one went out and got a knife and came back and stabbed his brother seven times killing him. The drinking cause a lot of pain to our family but the murder was even worse.

It sounds like your husband and you would benefit from some counseling. Once you get all the problems out into the light God can provide you some healing and you can get past all the hurt that you have caused one another.

 

[ww2pigeon]

Before I got sober, my drinking took me to all kinds of lows that I never thought I would get myself into. "I wouldn't covet my friends goods", guess what? I was not only coveting, I was moving in. All i had to do is drink a little more so I wouldn't have to see it. I would never steal this or that, not only would I steal it and would sell it back to ya, All I had to do is drink a little more to not feel the guilt. So yea, I was drinking to stuff my anger, my sadness, my guilt, my resentments, my how cool am I, I drink every day and stayed that way. Along story, short I went to A.A. got sober, been that way sense 1983.
Now you may not drink everyday but if you are drinking to change the way you feel about anything then you have a drinking problem. And if you are drinking and your behavior is out of control you have a drinking problem. Keep in mind that not every time you drink your behavior is out of control, but every time you are out of control you have been drinking. If you allow it to continue it will get worst. Go to A.A. or another 12 step fellowship. If you look up at the top of this forum you will see a post that says Recovery Links it will get you started.
So I pray you seek the help you need and the problems will fall into place the way God intends them too. God Bless.

 

[NewlyWife]

Thank you everyone. I can tell that joining this community is going to be an eye opener and a source of strength and fellowship.

I am able to admit that I have a drinking problem. I also have an anxiety/anger problem because there are times when my anger comes out and I have not been drinking. Yesterday, in a chat, my husband pointed out the biblically, he is now allowed to leave me. He is not planning to leave me, but he wanted to point that out.

Thank you, Bob, for pointing out that he does have a problem with verbal abuse. He does and we have struggled with that. But you are right- I need to work on myself first.

I found a Christian counselor and had my first session yesterday. I am not sure I'm ready for AA- I did not consider it. Has anyone had experience with personal counseling vs. AA? Should I consider both? I am very happy with the counselor I found, and I am hoping that eventually my husband may open up to joining me. For now, I need personal support. Is this going to be enough?

Born, I cannot believe your story. Wow. It is easy to think "Oh, I would never go THAT far," but how do I know? If you asked me a week ago if I'd ever punch my husband in the face in a car with our friend, I'd say no. Who knows what the next outburst could entail? Your story is shocking and I am so sorry for your loss and that awful experience. Thank you for having the courage to share because it really has had an impact on me.

Pigeon, I think that I'd eventually fall into the same habit- drinking even more to let go of the guilt that I feel over the things I do. <sigh> I can see now how awful my future could be.

Thank you all for sharing. Ewe, when I get to 15 posts and can send PM's, I'll certainly be PMing you.

I am so glad I joined and had the courage to post my story, you all cannot know how much this helped.

 

[BobW188]

Newly,
AA really isn't as intimidating as it sounds. (Most of us quivered, shivered and shook at the prospect of our first meeting.) You'll find that whatever story you tell is one that many others have shared. By all means go, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
(We drunkees are all too familiar with that beam in our own eye.)

 

[BlessEwe]

The counselor may be a great situation for you, but if you find yourself slipping be honest with yourself and know that you need a different approach to recovery. This person may just help you to the spiritual growth as well.

Actually I love the people in AA, lol.... I am thinking of getting a harley...ok maybe a tatoo haaa.... no really like anywhere there are cliques, stay away from the drama and stick with the winners This does not mean someone with just the many years under their belt, it means Someone with time and working hard on their program As you have found here ( which there are wonderful people here) you can find in the meetings as well. I am proud of you for taking these steps, you have so much to look forward to, and with hard work... It can be a wonderful life just as God wants for you.

 

[UnitynLove]

Pt. 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1wIGoOFnHU

Pt. 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esMxoUlFDpY&watch_response

Pt. 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvMhupg4ykI&watch_response

 

[NewlyWife]

Thank you Unity!

Do many people join AA when they do not drink on a daily, or even weekly basis?

 

[BlessEwe]

Different types of people with all levels of the addiction go to meetings. The 12 steps can be used in many different types of settings for persoal growth and healing. It is also used for people who have family members who are addicts. I found this questioner for you if you would like to take it.

http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/alcohol-use/alcoholuse-alcoholic.html

 

[BobW188]

As AA does not keep statistics on what leads people to join, it's hard to answer your question directly. When I came (staggered) aboard in 1984, their local classified ad read: "If you drink, that's your business. If you want to quit, that's ours." The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
It really isn't that important how often you drink. It's whether drinking creates a problem. What you've told us of yourself leads me to think when you drink, you cannot drink normally.
Again, from what you've told us, I think that both individual counselling and AA are important to your sobriety.

 

[rjdudley55]

Newlywife, I just got back about two months ago from a detox center in Florida and it was THE best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Not saying that's what you need but more happened while I was there than this post can hold. Short story: it was much more spiritual than I had anticipated, God did things there for people that stunned me (story for another post), the detox for me was an absolute necessity, the 6 weeks (yup 6wks) took me out of my comfort zone, people were moved in spiritual ways that's tough to believe, I came away with great respect for addicts (any kind) and for AA. I found an AA meeting down there that was just incredible. Too bad most of the ones here back home kinda bite. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Raynman

 

[Angeldove97]

Just wanted to throw in a few comments--- my freshman year of college I did alot of drinking and after a very traumatic experience, I stopped acting like that. I'm sorry that you had to have this experience with your husband, but I do hope Hubby sees that you're trying to fix it and won't do it again--- I hope that this will help gain any trust or respect you lost that night from him.

Talk to him--- perhaps even get a pastor/priest to sit with you two and talk about what happened and how you feel about. You can't let this sit on your heart and hurt your spirit--- it'll make healing alot harder for you.

I'm so happy you joined CF and the people here at the Recovery area are AMAZING! We're blessed with a wonderful group of Staffers as well and I hope we can help you with resources, prayers, or advice if you need them. God bless you Sister, I pray you'll work through all of this with His grace

 

[justanobserver]

As AA does not keep statistics on what leads people to join, it's hard to answer your question directly. When I came (staggered) aboard in 1984, their local classified ad read: "If you drink, that's your business. If you want to quit, that's ours." The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
It really isn't that important how often you drink. It's whether drinking creates a problem. What you've told us of yourself leads me to think when you drink, you cannot drink normally.
Again, from what you've told us, I think that both individual counselling and AA are important to your sobriety.

QFT.

 

[Kathleen111]

Hi Newlywife,

I'm a binge drinker, and a late bloomer. Alcoholism is equal opportunity. You're never too old or too young to be an alcoholic. You don't have to be a daily drinker. It's not about how much for how long. It's the insanity. When I control my drinking, I can't enjoy it, and when I enjoy my drinking, I can't control it. Eventually, we lose all control.

Every seat in AA has been filled at a very high cost. We don't know how to be in relationships. You decide your bottom. It only gets worse. For some, it takes the loss of family to hit bottom. Some can salvage and rebuild their relationships with family while others can't. You are an alcoholic when you say you are an alcoholic. No one else can decide that for you.

For me, alcoholism and violence killed my entire family of origin. I can't go home. You would think I would have better sense than to drink myself with that kind of history. The denial and blame is thick and deep with I'm not like the rest of them, and of course the alcohol wasn't the problem. Try to identify and don't compare.

Alcoholism will kill you whether you are violent or not. Alcoholism and violence walk hand in hand but are not one in the same thing. Alcohol like any other drug, can not bring out what isn't there. It adds fuel to the fire. It's a slow suicide for us all.

Just like any other group, alcoholics have introverts, extroverts, dependent, independent, and all personalities or lack thereof. Anger or depressive drunk, and depression is anger turned inward, the introvert. Same story, different details.

The only thing that will save an alcoholic is a spiritual experience, so if you are, you are in the right place. This is the only hope we have of saving ourselves and our family. We can't, God can, so why don't we let Him?

 

[BlessEwe]

Hi Newlywife,

I'm a binge drinker, and a late bloomer. Alcoholism is equal opportunity. You're never too old or too young to be an alcoholic. You don't have to be a daily drinker. It's not about how much for how long. It's the insanity. When I control my drinking, I can't enjoy it, and when I enjoy my drinking, I can't control it. Eventually, we lose all control.

Every seat in AA has been filled at a very high cost. We don't know how to be in relationships. You decide your bottom. It only gets worse. For some, it takes the loss of family to hit bottom. Some can salvage and rebuild their relationships with family while others can't. You are an alcoholic when you say you are an alcoholic. No one else can decide that for you.

For me, alcoholism and violence killed my entire family of origin. I can't go home. You would think I would have better sense than to drink myself with that kind of history. The denial and blame is thick and deep with I'm not like the rest of them, and of course the alcohol wasn't the problem. Try to identify and don't compare.

Alcoholism will kill you whether you are violent or not. Alcoholism and violence walk hand in hand but are not one in the same thing. Alcohol like any other drug, can not bring out what isn't there. It adds fuel to the fire. It's a slow suicide for us all.

Just like any other group, alcoholics have introverts, extroverts, dependent, independent, and all personalities or lack thereof. Anger or depressive drunk, and depression is anger turned inward, the introvert. Same story, different details.

The only thing that will save an alcoholic is a spiritual experience, so if you are, you are in the right place. This is the only hope we have of saving ourselves and our family. We can't, God can, so why don't we let Him?

Wow Powerful! Thank you for sharing, I got so much out of what you said Kathleen.

 

[NewlyWife]

Kathleen, what you wrote IS powerful. You all make a lot of sense, and I agree with you all. But here is how things are going...

I haven't had a drink since that night. I've survived through outings with my work team, hanging out with my SIL, shopping with my mother, visiting my MIL's house, eating out with my husband- all occasions where I would normally drink- without a single glass of wine or beer or anything else alcoholic. With work, it is easy to offer to be the DD since we rent cars in Texas and we're not supposed to drink and drive the rentals, so that makes me everyone's friend. My mother knows the situation and she is accepting of my sobriety. My SIL just knows I had "a bad night of drinking" and am laying off for a while. My MIL didn't question.

My husband is back to his happy, loving self. He truly has fully forgiven me, and seems to have forgotten the horror and moved on quite quickly. This makes me nervous. He tells me that I'm not an alcoholic, that I should be able to drink and "control it." He's trying to save me from being too hard on myself, but what he's not doing is what I need- being the supporting husband that will encourage me continue to refuse drinks when they are available. I just know that the first time we're in a bar together, he'll ask me what I want to drink. When I ask for a soda or juice, he'll say, "are you sure?" He doesn't want to have a wife who considers herself vulnerable to alcohol abuse. He just wants a wife who can be normal and keep it under control. However, like Kathleen said- when I control my drinking, I can't enjoy it, and when I enjoy my drinking, I can't control it. He would be horrified if I went to AA. I am considering it, and I do not see a problem with a recovery community like AA. He just sees it as being weak and not being able to handle something on one's own.

The weird thing is, my husband's father was an alcoholic and my husband hates alcohol. He has just slipped into a social lifestyle that is contrary to his deep down, true beliefs. In the moment, he'll do what I described above. Outside of a social gathering situation, he will go off on how ridiculous and awful alcohol is.

So tonight is my second meeting with my counselor. Next weekend is the wedding of a close friend, and we're driving over an hour from our hometown and getting a hotel room. I am very very worried that that will be the night I slip up. Even if I do only have a glass of champagne or two beers, I will feel awful. I am planning to talk to my husband beforehand and explain to him that I do NOT want to drink. AT ALL.

 

[Angeldove97]

Please talk to your husband about how you're feeling and what your needs are right now. Since this is your problem, he'll have to help you with your needs--- he can't expect his wife to drink (even just a little) if she is not comfortable with it.

My fiance and I were going through an issue regarding my depression/anxiety lately. He wanted me to be this person who didn't rely *as much* on him as I was and a person who didn't over analyze everything life. I finally broke down and told him that I'm sorry if I can't meet his needs about how I should act, but depression and anxiety are difficult to battle sometimes. I asked him if he could just take the time to meet those kinds of needs that I have right now: extra love, support, compliments, and attention. Took a few discussions for him to get it, but right now he's been great--- at the same time I cut him some slack when he can't do it 24/7 or just happens to want to do something with the guys, etc.

So please talk to your husband...be humble but be very clear with what you need right now. And ask him (since I'm sure you care about meeting HIS needs) what you can do that won't compromise your needs but will meet his needs.

 

[BobW188]

Strangely enough, the loved ones and family sometimes have a much harder time accepting alcoholism than the alcoholic does. Your husband's reaction is not an uncommon one. Like so much of what we husbands do, it is well intended, meant to be helpful, and absolutely wrong. Also, your sobriety is a major change in your marriage, has already changed the dynamics. Conciously or unconciously, he's worried about where this is going. We all love the idea of change; but when it happens it creates uncertainty.
What is so for others to understand is that we don't want to drink normally and "socially." (24 years and 7 months down the road, I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want just one drink.) For us, a shotglass is too much; a gallon is not enough.
You know how to do this better than I. Do tell him of your resolve, that you will politely refuse all offers of a drink and, if you are given one, will pour it out if necessary; and that you feel you have walked a long, hard road since that night. You have to be on it for a while, and you don't want to retrace any of the steps you've already taken.
I know I speak for all of us here when I tell you, "Congratulations on what you've done so far! Good work!"