When / How to let go of hope?

[JTC_DayByDay]

My divorce has been official for over a month now. We separated in July 2010. My wife is the one who initiated the process. I've since been doing everything that I can to reconcile. I can't count the number of hours/days I've spent praying and literally crying out to the Lord to help bring my wife and I together. I realize that people have free will, but I will admit that I struggle with feelings of Anger towards God. I realize that this is totally illogical as the Lord certainly didn't cause my divorce. I just wish he could have changed my wife's heart. At any rate, I'm learning to deal with the circumstances I find myself in. It has been an extremely painful process. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

On to my question... My ex has shown absolutely no interest in reconciling. It's almost like she has no feelings for me at all! I'm the opposite. I'm still completely in love with this woman. I'd lay down in traffic for her, if she asked me to. When is it appropriate to give up? Is there any hope of restoring love? Should I focus on fostering a friendship? I'm worried that I'll be setting myself up for continued rejection and heartache but at the same time I believe that there still might be hope. I'm totally confused as to when and how to let her go. Can anyone share some insight?

Thanks Much,
John

 

[dorig59]

Why do you think God should change her heart? Do you think He will put some kind of a magical spell on her to love you again?? Through your prayers, I'd wager the Holy Spirit HAS been knocking on her heart. She's choosing to ignore it. God will not force anybody to do anything.

I'd say you need to get on with your life. She probably sees you as TOO compliant & a pushover anyway. Who knows, maybe if you're not so available, she'll get interested. Do you guys have kids together?

 

[Camalinda]

John,

I am truly sorry for your pain and all you have gone through. I know a little over a year may seem like a long time, but it's really not. Especially if you were blind-sided by the whole thing (I don't know your story...).

I don't think one ever gives up on hope. However, I do believe that 'hope' often takes a different form than what we first wanted to happen. Right now, you are still very emotionally tied to your ex-wife and still grieving (and I believe that is normal!)- so your hope is that you could be reconciled. A few months from now, 'hope' might mean something totally different to you.

I grieved my marriage (left an abusive one about 2 months ago) while I was still IN the marriage. I was able to do that, after many long years, because I realized my spouse was not changing, didn't care to change, but *I* was changing... and realizing I should not be in an abusive relationship. So I was able to spend months grieving the what ifs, what should have beens, the wishes, the realization things were dying or dead already. So that now, 2 months out in separation, I am not struggling with the emotions you are. However, YOU are still dealing with something still relatively fresh (going from when you said you separated). We all deal with these issues at different paces.

I think grieving a marriage is a very deliberate process in many ways. I think if we skip that step, we either become stuck in the "I wish this would have happened" mode or we rush too quickly into another relationship because we need to fill that emotional void. So I would say, take some more time to really grieve what you have lost and then, move on. It will be EXCRUCIATING at times- and probably already has been for you! And moving on is done in bits and pieces- not all at once like we want it to be. But one little thing at a time, and in the weeks and months to come you will be able to look back and see how you've grown.

Do you ever give up on reconciling? I don't know. If she's not already in another relationship, I would continue to pray for her, but somehow it has to be done without it keeping you all tied up in knots emotionally. I finally came to a point, myself, where I just told the Lord (who already knew, anyway! HA!) that I couldn't pray for my husband anymore, but that I commit him to God to do as He wishes. For me, it brought me some sanity.

Hope that helped just a little. So sorry for your pain.

 

[BlueJay83]

Sorry to hear that John,

Iagree with Dorig,
Let her out. Often people want what they can't have, so don't let her see you as a grovelling mess. Did you beg and cry and plea with her to marry you? no you impressed her whith who you are.

every time I let my ex wife out, she would come running back.
Now that it's permanent she wants me back even more.
Too little too late though.

 

[JTC_DayByDay]

Why do you think God should change her heart? Do you think He will put some kind of a magical spell on her to love you again??

Dorig, I hear what you're saying and understand free will. I believe that God can change a person's heart by instilling a desire to follow God's will. Certainly a person can choose to ignore or respond to this calling. My prayers were never "please make her love me again", nor did I expect such results. My hope was that my ex would have been willing to seek marital counseling with me. She chose not to. My hope was that for the sake of our children and 13 years together, that she would have met with our pastor at least once. My prayers have always been asking the Lord to speak to her heart and encourage her to attempt reconciliation. Had she only been WILLING to try, I have no doubt that we could have worked things out. Love can be restored. This was not an abusive marriage. There were never any affairs although she initially believed that I was seeking and/or involved in one. Unfortunately she harbored this belief for six months. By the time I figured this out, she had left. When I confronted her and offered irrefutable proof that she was mistaken, it didn't make much difference. So much time had passed with her believing that I was cheating on her, her feelings of malcontent had festered to the point that they could not be undone. Damage was done. By that point, everything else that was wrong in our relationship was enough to propel the divorce locomotive to its conclusion. There were plenty of things that I did wrong in our relationship...I'm not denying that. I could have been a better husband, no doubt. My ex however, has never been able to admit to her contribution to our failed relationship. Sorry, probably more information than any of you want to hear.

I'd say you need to get on with your life. She probably sees you as TOO compliant & a pushover anyway. Who knows, maybe if you're not so available, she'll get interested. Do you guys have kids together?

You know the first time I read your post, I was ticked off. As I thought about it though, I became aware of the fact that what ticked me off was not your post, but the fact that there was truth to it. You're right. I am compliant and a pushover. I've been bending over backwards to save my marriage. This reaction has been difficult for me to control due to the absolutely terrifying panic that I've felt throughout this process. Divorce was never on my radar. No one is divorced on my side of the family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, nephews....all of them have never divorced. My ex on the other hand comes from a family where everyone has been divorced. Her mom for example, is on her fourth husband. Point is, I was blind sided by the divorce. I never realized how unhappy she was and I never would have guessed that I'd be divorced at 40.

Candleman, thanks for your input. Your comment regarding why she married me in the first place really struck home.

Camalinda - Thanks so much for your reply. I have to say that your insight is some of the best advice I've heard since this mess started a year and a half ago. I will continue to pray for her although I'll have to do my best to keep my feelings for her in check. My ex is not in a relationship as far as I know but I worry about the day that will come. It will be a crushing blow. I hope it never comes to that, but I need to prepare as best I can.

Thanks again for your posts everyone. Much appreciated.

Regards,
John

 

[dorig59]

Hi JTC, I am sorry you are having to go through this. A couple of things. WHY did your wife think you were having an affair? I mean, did she make up a fantasy in her head or something? The reason why I ask that is because SOMETIMES people project onto the other person what they themselves are doing. Do you know what I mean?

And I'm sorry that one part made you mad (at first), and I was not saying that I (with a capital I!) feel that you ARE a pushover, but that she probably sees you that way. I'm very sorry about that, but I've always been the very nice, giving, forgiving one in my life, and I realized now that I'm a lot older that that was the wrong thing to do in some circumstances. It just allowed the other person to take advantage of my good nature and go ahead and do the nefarious things that they wanted to do.

 

[Autumnleaf]

At my work we work in close quarters. Sometimes people get in front of where I need to be to do my job and they try to fix things and get things done but they aren't at their position and they aren't doing a very good job at what they are trying to do. I don't ask them to move and I don't scold them. I just stand behind them and wait patiently. Eventually they will get out of my way and allow me to fix things. I think God is like that. We can start doing a lot of things which just gets in God's way. Sometimes its best when we do nothing but trust in the lord, let him work his magic.

 

[dayhiker]

JTC ... I didn't get the feeling that you really know what's going on in your EX's mind. Doesn't sound like she was forthcoming thru your marriage in talking about it. So I'm not thinking that is your fault. But sounds like communication is something you need to think thru before you get to your next relationship.

I've had several suggest divorce is the end as truly as death and that the grieving process is likely to take as long. There are a few steps people go thru. My suggestion is to get to know that process. You can hope your EX decides she wants you back. But honestly I tend to doubt she will. You have said your prayers. God heard them. So if He can change her He will. But He can do that whither even if you can preparing yourself to live single for a while.

Sorry you have had so much pain.

 

[JTC_DayByDay]

Hi JTC, I am sorry you are having to go through this. A couple of things. WHY did your wife think you were having an affair? I mean, did she make up a fantasy in her head or something? The reason why I ask that is because SOMETIMES people project onto the other person what they themselves are doing. Do you know what I mean?

And I'm sorry that one part made you mad (at first), and I was not saying that I (with a capital I!) feel that you ARE a pushover, but that she probably sees you that way. I'm very sorry about that, but I've always been the very nice, giving, forgiving one in my life, and I realized now that I'm a lot older that that was the wrong thing to do in some circumstances. It just allowed the other person to take advantage of my good nature and go ahead and do the nefarious things that they wanted to do.

I'm certain that my wife never had a physical affair. I do believe however that she was involved in an emotional affair with her best friend. The fact is, she was unhappy and wanted out of the marriage. She saw what she wanted to see in order to justify leaving to both herself and to others. Because of this, it made little difference when she found out that she was wrong.

I can totally relate to being taken advantage of.

Dayhiker - Yes, communication was a huge problem in my marriage. I hear what you're saying and I agree that I need to focusing on myself as an individual (and father). That said, I sure hope your doubts are proven wrong.