When does normalcy return?

[Serving4Christ]

I've been married for 12yrs with 3 beautiful children, and recently filed for divorce. My sole objective is to get my children thru this as best as possible. Staying in the environment was unhealthy for me and the kids. I think the weight that tipped the scale was when she picked up the gun I wanted to take my life with the day after I cried out my heart to her. That sole demonstrated what I was denying all along. It showed her love for me and the Love of Christ.

I went to pick up my oldest son the other day only to meet resistance from her saying I wasn't taking him. He was upset and crying. My 4-yr old daughter came out to hug me; yelled at by her mom to, "Get away from him, did I say you could come out here?" She hid behind my leg and I tried to shun her inside so she wouldn't get yelled at any more. She told me I didn't have a right to take my son, since I abandoned them.

I've offered, even after the divorce is final, to let her stay until she got on her feet. She's been a stay home mom upon her choice the entire marriage. I offered to take all the bills and claim bankruptcy if I had too. I offered to put her through school so she could get a trade or something of equity on the outside. I offered to... only to be met with hurtful words and hateful actions.

I'm in an apartment now, getting my children on the days I get off of night shift and the days I'm off. Essentially, I've not had any time alone. Which, has not been an issue. My wife told me I wasn't going to be out having fun...well she was wrong. I have fun EVERYDAY with my kids. And when she found this out, she now says she can't bring them over any more. I have a truck incompatible with transporting 3 kids. My gross income is $2940 and she is receiving a total of $2328 and tells my kids I'm not supporting them and I'm not supporting her.

I'm paying for the house $1075.00, car insurance-home insurance $84.00, regular phone bill $40-cell phone bill $37, car payment $458, milk delivery $30, $300 cash/in a form of a check every two weeks. Plus $40 cash incentive for driving my children over to the apartment. If my dad wasn't helping me with rent right now, I'd be homeless. What more do I have to give? Never complained about it once! I try to justify to her I don't have any more money to give her and she tells me to get a second job.

I wish someone would take me to Disneyland and drop me off at a looney house. Sorry, read that post and felt compelled to make that statement. My lawyer and family think I'm crazy for continuing to support her the way I am. However, I know it directly is helping the children right now. I am fighting for custody. In order to keep my children from seeing mom constantly at my throat and constantly being the victim of her anger, I knew it was best to get out. The problem is I can't afford a 3 bedroom anything or 2 bedroom for that matter. I love my kids very much and I'm not a deadbeat dad. I was never out at the bars, gambler, cheater, out with the boys, abusive...

I just wish she would realize what she is doing to the kids when she initiates conflict and arguing in front of them and involves them directly.

Do you ever return to normal after Divorce? I really feel like damaged goods inside.

 

[joshua_cheung]

I can say you are responsible for the consequence because you had married for 12 years.

Have you tried to guard the heart of your wife?
From the words of her and the ways that she shows to you and your kids, you can know her hearts well. Can you find anything inside her hearts? Can you find any sin in her heart? The words of God is powerful, the words can guide you to develop a beautiful and blessed family.

Is she greedy? Why?

If you through these 12 years have directed her to follow the words of God and apply the words to her , she is responsible for her sin alone. If not, you are responsible to the consequence.

 

[rainyday]

Serving ... I'm so sorry for you and your delema. No. Life never returns to 'normal' after a divorce because it is no longer normal. I'm sorry to spill those beans on you. One of the definitions of divorce is: A complete or radical severance of closely connected things. How can anything be normal after a radical severing?

But on a good note. I have a friend who moved out from with his ex and his 3 children. She quickly divorced him 6 months later, raking him over the coals financially. Through constant prayer and leaving it in God's hand, he now has his 12 year old daughter full time, and the two younger boys about 5 times a week. He was crushed on the money end, too, but with faith, God provided things for him when he needed them, and just what he needed. He needed a place with an extra bedroom for his daughter and it just fell out of the sky (as he puts it) with an amazing landlord who is understanding of his plight. When asked about his faith and trust in God he refers back to Exodus and "let God fight your battles for you." It's been a rough two years since they began this journey, but he's finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. There were times his pay check was below 100 dollars, sometimes he'd only get it once a month. Now the money is going to begin coming back to him since he has full custody of the daughter and the boys more than half the time. Her heart was broken by prayer on his behalf as well as his family and friends, so that she'd relinquish the kids more and more. You'll have a full time job handling your children's emotional rollercoaster.

On a side note ... AVOID RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN. This is NOT the time to get an innocent person involved in your rollercoaster because you will not have time to invest in any relationship other than your children's adjustments. You may want and need to express yourself emotionally to someone to vent ... just make sure it's just a priest, minister, etc. Don't get someone else caught up in this with you. You'll be needed full time for your kids. You'll need to be there for them to vent to, listen to, cry on and laugh these times through. It's never going to be normal the way you're remembering, this is a new beginning.

Just sit back and leave it in God's hand to help you through this. This is not going to be an easy time. The stories he told me of crying moments returning the children who didn't want to go back to her but stay with him were hard to listen to. I couldn't imagine it. It sounds as though you're heading that same direction. Good luck and I'll add you to my prayers.

 

[Serving4Christ]

I can say you are responsible for the consequence because you had married for 12 years.

Have you tried to guard the heart of your wife?
From the words of her and the ways that she shows to you and your kids, you can know her hearts well. Can you find anything inside her hearts? Can you find any sin in her heart? The words of God is powerful, the words can guide you to develop a beautiful and blessed family.

Is she greedy? Why?

If you through these 12 years have directed her to follow the words of God and apply the words to her , she is responsible for her sin alone. If not, you are responsible to the consequence.

Joshua,

I really don't know how to respond to your post. I felt I did the best I could in guarding her heart. If it was just me she treated that way, I'd have an easy answer, but the fact is, she 's vile with all relationships until she needs something. When the need is met, she is quick to place the hammer.

And you right, I can say I know her heart but even that is slightly tinted. My Savior is the only one who knows her heart.

I was told God will not change a heart that doesn't want to be changed. As she has told me time and time again, she has no problems...I should watch the Dr. Phil show to see that things in our marriage are normal...everyone has these problems. Only problem there is...Dr. Phil wasn't at our marriage ceremony...Someone else was.

Thank you for the insight.

 

[Serving4Christ]

Serving ... I'm so sorry for you and your delema. No. Life never returns to 'normal' after a divorce because it is no longer normal. I'm sorry to spill those beans on you. One of the definitions of divorce is: A complete or radical severance of closely connected things. How can anything be normal after a radical severing?

But on a good note. I have a friend who moved out from with his ex and his 3 children. She quickly divorced him 6 months later, raking him over the coals financially. Through constant prayer and leaving it in God's hand, he now has his 12 year old daughter full time, and the two younger boys about 5 times a week. He was crushed on the money end, too, but with faith, God provided things for him when he needed them, and just what he needed. He needed a place with an extra bedroom for his daughter and it just fell out of the sky (as he puts it) with an amazing landlord who is understanding of his plight. When asked about his faith and trust in God he refers back to Exodus and "let God fight your battles for you." It's been a rough two years since they began this journey, but he's finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. There were times his pay check was below 100 dollars, sometimes he'd only get it once a month. Now the money is going to begin coming back to him since he has full custody of the daughter and the boys more than half the time. Her heart was broken by prayer on his behalf as well as his family and friends, so that she'd relinquish the kids more and more. You'll have a full time job handling your children's emotional rollercoaster.

On a side note ... AVOID RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN. This is NOT the time to get an innocent person involved in your rollercoaster because you will not have time to invest in any relationship other than your children's adjustments. You may want and need to express yourself emotionally to someone to vent ... just make sure it's just a priest, minister, etc. Don't get someone else caught up in this with you. You'll be needed full time for your kids. You'll need to be there for them to vent to, listen to, cry on and laugh these times through. It's never going to be normal the way you're remembering, this is a new beginning.

Just sit back and leave it in God's hand to help you through this. This is not going to be an easy time. The stories he told me of crying moments returning the children who didn't want to go back to her but stay with him were hard to listen to. I couldn't imagine it. It sounds as though you're heading that same direction. Good luck and I'll add you to my prayers.

Thank you for such kind words of encouragement. My day has started off on a great note.

 

[bliz]

I'm very confused.

You were planning on suicide... and you want to get your kids away from her and into a more stable enviroment? Something is not adding up here.

Why on earth did you marry this vile woman? My guess is that she was not so vile when you married her. How has she changed during the past 12 years? Can you say that you had nothing to do with her changing in this manner?

You paint a picture of your efforts to do everything right. I've lived too long... very, very seldom is a marriage in this kind of shape the fault of only one person.

I find it interesting that you do not talk about counseling, efforts to restore the marriage or about a legal seperation while you work on things. You right away are talking about divorce and you focus seems to be on building your new life after the divorce.

You cannot build a new life on a pile of rubble. When you married you took on a commitment and a responsibility not just to supply the cash to run a household. You don't discuss how you have attempted to meet those other responsibilities to your wife over the past 12 years. You keep saying that you are doing this all for your kids but I find that a bit dishonest. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying you'e the bad guy... I'm am saying that there is more here than you have presented and until both you and your wife have honestly faced all of it, nothing is going back to "normal".

 

[Blessed75]

Not to be ugly or anything to anyone but when someone is going through a divorce or gone through a divorce - they are suffering enough. NO ONE really knows what went on in the marriage except for the two people that were in it and well God of course. I guess when reading through these posts, I feel as if there needs to be more support and encouragement given to those who are suffering - no matter what the circumstances. Serving4Christ - I don't know what to tell you other than I will pray for you and your family that God's will be done and that the children are not made to suffer. I can't imagine what you're going through. I just filed for Divorce recently. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 9 month old daughter. It's rough but I know that God is blessing me through this divorce. It is only strengthening my faith. I hope that your faith is strengthened in these trying times as well. God Bless - Nikki

 

[bkg]

Re: Normalcy returning...

I have no idea - I'll let you know if it ever happens for me..

Re: Vile wife...

I don't know either of you, but I do know that the emotional roller coaster of a divorce can really color your vision and love for your wife. I would have, in fact I did, say similar things about my ex-wife during the divorce, only to realize later that I had allowed the enemy to influence my thinking and my speach. The point being, I didn't see my wife the way God does - it took a divorce to get the scales removed from my eyes. I'm not defending anyone in this case - just make sure that you walk in love, treat her in love, view her in love...

 

[E-beth]

Amen bkg....

Divorce makes you say and do things that you really don't mean or feel, but in the power struggle and the dealing with bad feelings it just turns into an ugly mess.

She will try to find ways to make you feel 'punished' for the current family situation. The best you can do is to show your kids you are above it, never say an unkind word about her to them, and always be nice to your wife, whether you feel like it or not. In my experience with my husband's ex and their daughter, one unkind word starts a whole new episode of hate and punishment and "this will REALLY get him..."

And document everything. Especially as you are going to be negotiating support and custody. But get adequate representation so you aren't taken to the cleaners for kids you never get to see, all because of guilt.

It isn't ever going to be normal again. All you can do is heal, deal, and depend on God to get you through.

 

[joshua_cheung]

Amen bkg....

Divorce makes you say and do things that you really don't mean or feel, but in the power struggle and the dealing with bad feelings it just turns into an ugly mess.

She will try to find ways to make you feel 'punished' for the current family situation. The best you can do is to show your kids you are above it, never say an unkind word about her to them, and always be nice to your wife, whether you feel like it or not. In my experience with my husband's ex and their daughter, one unkind word starts a whole new episode of hate and punishment and "this will REALLY get him..."

And document everything. Especially as you are going to be negotiating support and custody. But get adequate representation so you aren't taken to the cleaners for kids you never get to see, all because of guilt.

It isn't ever going to be normal again. All you can do is heal, deal, and depend on God to get you through.

Nice words, God bless you.

 

[desi]

This is the second downer in a row today. Alas, divorce is separation from the normal as you know it. Time will heal some and God can help. I'm confused about something, who initiated the divorce and can they be deterred?

 

[Blessed75]

I don't think this is a downer. I think it's wonderful that someone is trying to figure out how divorce will affect their life. I think that it's wonderful that someone is trying to seek support and that MOST people are giving encouragement AND support. That's what people who are divorcing need. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom - I'm getting divorced and this is the happiest I've been in a long, long time -

 

[E-beth]

Yeah, Blessed, in a way it can be very much like a relief after a long, drawn-out disease.

But sometimes I felt guilty for being happy about being free from an abusive and unfaithful person. Go figure. Sometimes it seems we just can't win, especially in the Christian community.

 

[Serving4Christ]

I want to thank everyone for your support. Having been through 2 pastor's counseling and downtown counseling within the past 3 yrs, it's been a very hard road.

I forumated a response to you Bliz, but I feel its best to control my thoughts right now. It's would be far too easy for me to be overcome with anger with that post. I have to say though, the response you gave not only hit nerves, but touched and hurt deeply. Had you asked the questions before formulating your judgment, I would have been very happy to explain more in detail the circumstances surrounding my decision.

For those who have gone through a divorce, I once sat on the end where Bliz sits. I understand in much greater detail...the pain and hurt you've been through. I'm a bit angry right now, and I'm trying very hard not to let that drive my decisions in this shattered marriage. I never thought I would see my life unfold before my eyes. Sometimes I don't know why I'm angry. I know I'm angry though because the tears have stopped and the hurt is still there.

Sometimes the truth hurts to hear. I hold no ill feelings toward you Bliz, but rest assured, I've kept myself in a pit for many years trying to figure out what it is about me that I have wrong...or what I can improve on...or what I need to sacrifice...or how I can become more Christ like...

I can do all of those things and have...but when you are constantly called a hypocrit, belittled as a man in front of your children, family, and friends...told how much of a kiss-butt you are because you like to be nice...it gets very old. Not the Love God intended. With all do respect, next time you decide to break down a letter and formulate your judgment on me, ask me first for the answers to your query/conclusion.

Thanks to those who have great words of wisdom and encouragement.

 

[Blessed75]

You know what - I think after the divorce is final and I get out of this house - I think I'm gonna wonder how I put up with it as long as I did. I really will. I'm excited about my new future. I truly am. Sving4Christ - you will get through this - everything you are going through makes you the person that you are today. Every day you learn, I learn something new. It's good to be able to "feel" even if that feeling is sadness, b/c this means your heart is still soft and not hardened and THAT is something that is priceless. It really is. Hugs hon!

 

[Serving4Christ]

You know what - I think after the divorce is final and I get out of this house - I think I'm gonna wonder how I put up with it as long as I did. I really will. I'm excited about my new future. I truly am. Sving4Christ - you will get through this - everything you are going through makes you the person that you are today. Every day you learn, I learn something new. It's good to be able to "feel" even if that feeling is sadness, b/c this means your heart is still soft and not hardened and THAT is something that is priceless. It really is. Hugs hon!

Thank you very much Blessed75, in times like now, every hug counts. With all the pain, sadness, hurt, anger, ups, and downs...I still wish the very best for my soon to be ex. I wish her happiness that she never found with me. I wish her security that she never found with me. I wish her love that she could never find in me. I wish her strength that I could never give her. I wish her success, joy, and completeness.

These past two days were very hard to get through. I could hear the depression in my voice, I could see it in my actions, and I could feel it when I would breath. It was very hard to breath. I know that even now as I write this, the very Hand that fed me life continues to fill my cup. And when I felt like it was too hard to breath, He gave me the breath.

I will get through this. I must! I have 3 beautiful children who are depending on me. And even these two past days, I haven't had one thought of hurting myself.

Hugs and prayers for you as well.

 

[E-beth]

Serving, my heart hurts for you. I know that feeling all too well. You feel punched in the gut and you feel like you will never be happy again.

But you will. God wants all His children to be happy and He has plans for you. God bless you for pulling it together for the sake of your kids.

Hugs

 

[Blessed75]

Awww! I totally understand how you feel. I really do. YOU are going to get through this. YOU REALLY ARE. Divorce IS a roller coaster ride. BUT eventually, the ride does come to an end and although your life will be different, it will be better. Everything happens for a reason and like I've said before, if you don't feel God holding your hand, it's b/c he's carrying you. Hang in there and pm me anytime you need to talk. Just know - I mean, really KNOW that you are NOT alone - others are going through the same thing. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a nine month old daughter so I know what you're dealing with. Like I said, I'm here anytime you need to talk. Hugs hon and GOD BLESS YOU! I will pray for you tonite before bedtime which is actually right about now! lol......g'nite hon.

Thank you very much Blessed75, in times like now, every hug counts. With all the pain, sadness, hurt, anger, ups, and downs...I still wish the very best for my soon to be ex. I wish her happiness that she never found with me. I wish her security that she never found with me. I wish her love that she could never find in me. I wish her strength that I could never give her. I wish her success, joy, and completeness.

These past two days were very hard to get through. I could hear the depression in my voice, I could see it in my actions, and I could feel it when I would breath. It was very hard to breath. I know that even now as I write this, the very Hand that fed me life continues to fill my cup. And when I felt like it was too hard to breath, He gave me the breath.

I will get through this. I must! I have 3 beautiful children who are depending on me. And even these two past days, I haven't had one thought of hurting myself.

Hugs and prayers for you as well.

 

[Serving4Christ]

Thanks E-beth and Goodnight Blessed75. Pleasant dreams.

 

[joshua_cheung]

Serving, life is never easy. Love builds but sin destroy. Even after divorced, you still have to help your kids to guard their hearts.

I pray God gives you wisdom to help to guard your family. So be careful.

God bless you.