When Do You Tell Them...?

[Inkachu]

I am a single mom - never married. My son is 7 years old. He's never known my ex in any way. He's never asked about my ex and I've never mentioned my ex.

I know that one day, any time now, he's going to figure out that he's GOT a father somewhere in the world, and he's going to ask me about it. I'm prepared for that, when it comes.

My question is: do you think I should wait for him to pose the question to me, or do you think I should tell him what's what? I'm frankly surprised that he's gotten to 7 and still hasn't asked. I do not want him to get much older, and be talking to kids at school or something, and be like "I don't have a dad, just my mom", and the other kids say "Yeah, you have a dad, your mom just hasn't told you", and have him feel betrayed or lied to.

Advice, please, from PARENTS only.

 

[TexasSky]

I think a simple comment like, "Hon, if you ever want to know anything about your Daddy, I want you to know it is okay to ask," should do the trick, and as soon as you can.

The older a child gets, the harder this kind of thing is.

My best friend lived her whole life telling her friends that she wanted to know everything about her father and didn't dare ask. Apparently she'd found a picture of him once and an older sibling had told her not to mention it. She took that to mean she couldn't ask her mother. YEARS later, when she and I were in high school, I said something in front of her mother about how sad she was not to know anything at all about her father. Her mother was stunned and said, "I figured you would ask me if you wanted to know."

Open the door, and then leave it in his hands, but do be careful not to criticize his father, even if the man deserves it.

You can tell him parts of the truth. "I knew your Dad before you were born, and he loved baseball!" Or, "You look a little like your Dad in the eyes." The "why isn't he here," can be answered with, "Well, sometimes grownups don't get along too well, and your Daddy and I were like that." Or, try to keep it light, "I got to stay with you! He had to go off to some other city to school!"


Unless there is some tragic thing to your story, such as, "Your Dad raped me and is a creep," the other should work. You can say, "I lost track of your Dad before you were born, and don't know where he is now, , which is sad, because you are really a very special boy and its a shame he doesn't know that!"

If there is a tragedy, you can keep it short and sweet. "I don't know where your Daddy is. He went away before he even knew you were going to be born."

Later, as he gets older, if you have the kind of relationship to allow you to give more detail, you can, but it is fairly important not to try to paint the "Dad was terrible" picture, AND equally important not to paint, "I kept you from him," picture.

(And yes, I am a parent. I was married to my ex for most of my children's life though.)

 

[JohnDB]

kids are usually smarter than parents give them credit for...they figure stuff out all the time long before a parent knows.
and even clever conversations/lectures/explanations designed to encourage them to think in a particular manner don't neccesarily work.

Your being hesitant or anything but truthfully informative when the subject is broached by him will be noted...and he will seek his own answers. My brother's ex wife tried to brainwash their child into believing that no one except his mother and her family wanted him or anything to do with him...
When the truth was finally discovered (due in part to a meddling uncle and aunt) by him there was the "devil" to pay. She will pay for the rest of her life for what she stole. My brother paid the price of missing out on his son's childhood...his ex wife will pay for the rest of her lifetime.

 

[hope4today]

I pretty much agree with what has been said here already.

Let him know that it is ok to ask. It's important for them to know the door is open.

As the others have said, it's important not to put his father down. It's important however to only ever tell him the truth. I can't stress that enough. Don't ever lie to your child even if you think you are protecting them. If you think they are too young for the truth, then tell them what you can and leave the rest. If they ask something that is not age appropriate to answer then be honest and finish with something like "that part of it I can't explain to you just now, but when you are older I will be able to let you know more then".

Because you obviously know the details of your own circumstance you should be able to prepare an answer that is truthful,diplomatic and age appropriate to most of the likely questions.

I pray you will have wisdom from God as you share with your son.

Bless you

 

[rocklife]

you can find educational kids shows about divorce/breaking up around, maybe check the library or online, the ones aimed at kids are usually cartoons, but do it very well. If you watch PBS, the show Arthur has one called Mitzi's Break-Up" which deals with parents breaking up with a partner (if I remember correctly, that show will be on this week too). Maybe just kind of introducing the subject to your son in that way will help him learn that is something that happens to people for different reasons (you don't have to talk about your personal situation yet if it is above his maturity unless he is really asking). that's kind of how I'm doing it right now with my 7 year old son. the library (some of them anyway) have educational tapes that may also try to deal with this subject. you can look up Arthur online too at the www.pbskids.org or just try looking for something similar.

 

[Lori-lee]

TexasSky has some great advice.

If he hasn't asked any questions yet, it may because there is something holding him back. Maybe a kid at school has said something like "you don't have a daddy because he hates you" and it's too hurtful for him to bring it up incase it's true. Or maybe a well-meaning family member has told him not to say anything to Mummy because it will upset her.

I think it would be good to raise it with him, but casually, like if you're watching a tv show or reading a book that has a dad in it, you can say something like "if you have any questions about where your daddy is, it's ok to ask"

I'm planning to casually reference my daughter's father so she knows she had one and that it's ok to talk about. Things like her having his eyes, etc.

Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well!

 

[sweetangelmum]

I would just let him know that the door is open to questions.

i am surprised he hasn't asked. My 5 yr old is contstantly asking why about eveyrthing.lol

 

[Solitaire1]

Just came upon this thread and wondering how it's gone, Inkabink. Have your son and you had a chance to talk?

 

[JC'S~GIRL]

I Know Wat Ur Feeling. My Son Is Only 2 And I Think About When He's Going To Start Asking About His Dad. It Makes Me Kind Of Sad That He's Going To Go Through The Feelings Of Being Abandoned By Him. I Feel That I Would Mention His Dad To Him When He Gets Around 5 Yrs. Right Now I Show Pictures Of His Dad To Him. I Dont Know Exactly What Im Going To Say To My Son, When The Time Comes, But I Know It Will Be For The Best That My Son Knows He Has A Dad.

 

[SearcherKris]

At the age of seven he probably does know that he has a dad, and either does not feel the need to ask or does not know how to.

In school they talk about families and differences in households. He has probably talked to kids, or heard things at church even or could have overheard family conversations... not to mention TV or movies. Kids get their info from a multitude of sources.

Just ask him if he has questions about it and be willing to answer honestly on a level he can understand.

Don't push the issue though. If he is not ready, forcing it will do damage. Let him know he is free to ask anything and then give him the space to do that or not.