Ok, so this has been a rough year for me in the bipolar department. I've experienced anxiety attacks for the first time in a long time for no reason in particular, I've fallen for the trap of signing up for too much when I was manic that I could not finish when the mania ended, which meant that I hit one of the lowest lows that I've experienced in years. For the last few weeks I've been up and down and up and down, which is odd for me....
YET, what it has forced me to do is to pursue to remain in the humble reality that I am broken, unworthy of praise, in need of constant heart checks, and have only one Sure Hope.
Humility is an often overlooked value in the Christian walk (for everyone, not just those of us with mental illness), but it is THE key to a fruitful walk with Christ. He's the One, not me, that is worthy of praise. He's the One, not me, that has proven His worth. If we are in Christ, it is because of His righteousness and value, and NOT because of ours.
This is a hard concept to hang onto for all believers, and a struggle even once it's understood. The desire to have some importance or value apart from Christ is always a battle that is being fought in our hearts, and I know that when I have felt my strongest is when that battle has raged the most.
But this year there has been no strength, only weakness. Every time I have made an effort to prove myself it has resulted in anxiety and a fear in depression. Every time I have tried to become superman it has put me on my face. This year's battle in my heart over my worth apart from Jesus has been lost by pride, because I am just too weak for pride's lie to have any resemblance to reality.
If that's what it takes for me to stay in submission to the righteousness of Christ as my only hope, then it's a blessing.
It's been a tough year, but He's always there. As I've become used to confessing my weakness to Him, I've started to get over being afraid of the sinfulness I might find in my heart. Why fear it? Jesus paid for it. As I've let go of trying to prove anything to anybody, His grace has managed to work through me in spite of my weakness.
If being bipolar and too fragile to handle the pressures that come with pride is what it takes for the war in my heart to be won, then I have to welcome it.
Every pill I have to swallow is a testimony to my own weakness. Every time I am afraid for no real reason it is a testimony to how much I need the Lord's strength. And if that's what it takes for me to crave His company and power in me, then it's very worth it.
Yeah, I get so sick of the struggles and the pills and the stupid fear and the odd obsessions and the looks on people's faces when I just won't stop talking and the fact that I have to keep most of my struggle a secret from most people..... yes, I do. It's a struggle, and many times a WAR. But the Bible is clear that there is a war going on in the hearts of all of us all of the time anyway. The weakness of my disorder just makes mine more obvious, and so it also makes obvious the need I have for forgiveness, mercy, and His strength... all of which He provides over and over and over.
I started a blog just to have a positive outlet for a manic phase, and as I wrote about my past and all He's done it has reminded me that He has been there through every second of it. I kinda obsessed and wrote way too much in way too short a time, but it became a meditation on what God has done in my life in spite of all this mess. It helped me see the blessing in my illness. I know without doubt that I need Him. I know without doubt the reality of His grace. I've lived out the days He's ordained for me and it has shown me what I need to know.
YET, what it has forced me to do is to pursue to remain in the humble reality that I am broken, unworthy of praise, in need of constant heart checks, and have only one Sure Hope.
Humility is an often overlooked value in the Christian walk (for everyone, not just those of us with mental illness), but it is THE key to a fruitful walk with Christ. He's the One, not me, that is worthy of praise. He's the One, not me, that has proven His worth. If we are in Christ, it is because of His righteousness and value, and NOT because of ours.
This is a hard concept to hang onto for all believers, and a struggle even once it's understood. The desire to have some importance or value apart from Christ is always a battle that is being fought in our hearts, and I know that when I have felt my strongest is when that battle has raged the most.
But this year there has been no strength, only weakness. Every time I have made an effort to prove myself it has resulted in anxiety and a fear in depression. Every time I have tried to become superman it has put me on my face. This year's battle in my heart over my worth apart from Jesus has been lost by pride, because I am just too weak for pride's lie to have any resemblance to reality.
If that's what it takes for me to stay in submission to the righteousness of Christ as my only hope, then it's a blessing.
It's been a tough year, but He's always there. As I've become used to confessing my weakness to Him, I've started to get over being afraid of the sinfulness I might find in my heart. Why fear it? Jesus paid for it. As I've let go of trying to prove anything to anybody, His grace has managed to work through me in spite of my weakness.
If being bipolar and too fragile to handle the pressures that come with pride is what it takes for the war in my heart to be won, then I have to welcome it.
Every pill I have to swallow is a testimony to my own weakness. Every time I am afraid for no real reason it is a testimony to how much I need the Lord's strength. And if that's what it takes for me to crave His company and power in me, then it's very worth it.
Yeah, I get so sick of the struggles and the pills and the stupid fear and the odd obsessions and the looks on people's faces when I just won't stop talking and the fact that I have to keep most of my struggle a secret from most people..... yes, I do. It's a struggle, and many times a WAR. But the Bible is clear that there is a war going on in the hearts of all of us all of the time anyway. The weakness of my disorder just makes mine more obvious, and so it also makes obvious the need I have for forgiveness, mercy, and His strength... all of which He provides over and over and over.
I started a blog just to have a positive outlet for a manic phase, and as I wrote about my past and all He's done it has reminded me that He has been there through every second of it. I kinda obsessed and wrote way too much in way too short a time, but it became a meditation on what God has done in my life in spite of all this mess. It helped me see the blessing in my illness. I know without doubt that I need Him. I know without doubt the reality of His grace. I've lived out the days He's ordained for me and it has shown me what I need to know.
