What's the point?

[Jenster]

I've been coming to realize I have some issues I need to deal with. Even though I have been functioning day-to-day okay, I'm mildly depressed a lot of the time.

Not to dismay anyone by being blunt, but sometimes I find myself wondering just what is so great about being human? Deep down, I actually have a very negative view of people. I think I grew up without much close ties within my family, so I guess there's something about being interdependent that I either don't get, or that hurts or feels threatening/disappointing.

In a way, I don't really care about very much. I saw two young women walking down the street today, and they obviously cared about their appearance, and I wondered what makes them care so much? What's driving them to look good?

Maybe I'm some existentialist at heart, meaning that not a lot of things seem to *really* mean anything to me. Sometimes I wonder what God sees in us that makes Him love us so much? All I see is disappointment.

Yes, I could also take an interest in things like my appearance or hobbies, but to what end? And I could listen to music and figure out which I like the best, but why?

On a related note, I did date a man who was rather self-absorbed and loved everything he did. I realize part of the attraction was that I am the complete opposite. I guess I would love to have passion about life, but I always come back to the question: What's the point? So I could be good at tennis - so what?

Pushing this one notch further: What is even the point of having healthy self-esteem?

Sorry to be such a downer. I feel so alone sometimes, deep down.

Can anyone enlighten me?

 

[mikeforjesus]

One question I can answer is the one you asked about why God loves us? God loves us so much because we are His creation.. nothing we do can make Him love us more or less. And all of us are unique and special to Him.

I thought I had answers to your other questions but my mind is being really slow and sleeping now sorry. If I think and find an answer I will tell you. I hope someone else answers to you.

 

[growingupinhim]

the point is that God created you for a purpose..and its not about you! its about him..learing to Love him, by getting to know him.and bringing him glory!
follow this, and you can have Joy!

J esus
O thers
Y ourself!

life is worht living when you live in the kingdom! this world life is diffcult!

 

[Jenster]

Thank you both. MikeforJesus, I hope you don't mind another question but could you tell me what it means to you that God loves you and thinks you're special?

Sometimes I feel like I've got all this head knowledge, but I'm still trying to "get it" in my heart. I agree that God loves us, but it all feels theoretical somehow. Hoping maybe someone can explain it to me in their terms, in their life. (thanks!)

 

[KittiK]

Jenster,

I feel so much like you do. I have also discovered several things about life.
I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia. It's a mild form of depression that just saps all the joy out of life. I am still able to function in life and do most of the things I need to do, but I have 'dark days' that to stop me completely.

The feeling that I could pick myself up by my bootstraps and move on like 'normal' people can just made me feel worse when I couldn't do it. Everyone else can be happy and fullfilled in life...why can't I? I felt out of place, abnormal and not worthy of attention even from myself. Hence my appearance wasn't very important to me. I felt seperated from everyone...including God. There was no point to anything.

Experiencing anything happy was a conscience decision I had to make. Laughing, loving, smiling, it all was hard for me to do. I was WAY more comfortable being unhappy.

Friends would ask if I wanted to go do this or that...and I'd answer with "Why?"

I wish I could give you a definite cure..and there is one, but it's up to a doctor, not me. I am starting with 'talk therapy' and getting out in the world, getting some exercise and learning to re-train my mind NOT to go to the self-degrading point of view.

I do know that this condition is brought on early in life and is exhibited in so many ways. You could look into it and do some research on symptoms (or I could help you) if you're interested.


HTH,
~Kitti

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Kitti, for sharing about your dysthymia. I haven't heard of that before, so I'll look it up on the Internet.

I've been thinking some more, and one thing I realized is that it's hard for me to accept that I am "behind" or "not normal like" other people. The whole thing about caring about oneself and having self-esteem - I didn't really have anyone encouraging me to stand up for myself, or value myself, or anyone who paid too much attention to me growing up. I didn't come from an abusive family, just not an emotionally close one. Whatever it was that I needed, that intimacy that helps develop a sense of joy and normalcy, I feel like I missed out on.

Excuse me while I ramble here ... I am good at my work, more or less. I participate in church. I can keep up a few good friendships and appear normal to everyone else. It's just that sometimes there's this bitterness or emptiness, because I analyze everything. I see people doing their thing, just living life, and I wish it were that easy for me. I'll bet I spend 10 times more time thinking than most "normal" people.

I wish I could make decisions more quickly, but since I don't have a great sense of self, lots of decisions aren't that automatic for me. I see people around me picking up hobbies left and right - like skiing or dancing - and think, they must have a certain sense of security about themselves to plunge themselves into new stuff.

BTW, growingupinhim, thanks for pointing me to the purpose of my life. I do appreciate that.

 

[KittiK]

Jenster, you are not 'behind' and what good is normal anyway? Society dictates so many different explainations about what's right or wrong, normal or absurd....that I can almost guarantee that those who appear 'normal' are just as confused as you are.

Putting on a front for those around you is a coping mechanism that we all use. How do you know they aren't using one too? Kudos for finding productive and wonderful things about yourself!!! Excellent job!!

I over analize things too, and I have found that in several cases....I out-think myself. I somehow convince myself that it's a negative thing...even though it probably wasn't. We never disappoint yourselves. No matter what it is you think of...good or bad...we find cause to support our view.

Indecision is part of the picture...it's on several levels. Self-confidence and self-esteem will help you there. 'I' don't like doing it because I *know* I'll make a mistake, or make those around me do something they don't want to do, eat somewhere they hate, or look like a fool. Scary.

Is there a group you can join...as far as a support group I mean?
I personally think that people that are depressed are the stronget, most valuable people on earth. Simply because we can do things 'normal' people can't.

 

[CLN]

Jenster and KittiK, I over analize too. Fight depression too. This is like a support group. We are all here for each other and sharing and we all have alot in common. Now we need the doctor.
Dr. God can work through each of us to help each other.

 

[lonnienord]

i hope you all know that you can talk to JESUS anytime!! HE loves to talk with you!! Try forgetting about yourself and focusing totally on JESUS. You know how very much HE loves you... love HIM that much in return.

all for JESUS!!
lonnie (i am praying for you!!)

 

[KittiK]

Thank you lonnie. Your prayers are appreciated. I know He loves me. I tell myself that everyday. Hard to 'feel' worthy of such loves someties, but I try.

I haven't walked away from Him...nor do ever plan to. Talk is therapy and I believe we are here to help each other...fellowship.

 

[lonnienord]

yes! i agree and i worried i would not be doing any good because the fact that we can and should talk with JESUS does not totally answer our need to talk with each other and support each other. I love you and i want what is best for you. i find that JESUS and my relationship with HIM is extremely important and when i have that going good i am at my best. and so i want to point that out and do so in a totally non-judgemental way. I am praying for you!!

all for JESUS!!
lonnie

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Lonnie and AMEN, Kitti and CLN. We are one big support group. Actually, I do come to CF for that, and hopefully I can be helpful or uplifting to others.

Lonnie, it's always good to point us to JESUS, so bless your heart for that.

Kitti, you're right - those of us who have dealt with hardships in our lives are strong. I was thinking this morning about the people around the world who have grown up in utter poverty, yet are joyful in life. I'll bet they learned early on how to persevere -- a good lesson for us all.

I do probably "project" onto other people that they are having an easy life, when I don't really know that for sure. I'd just like for things to bother me less, though. Am working towards that!

HUGS!