What's some Biblical advice to give to a wife who complains about that but doesn't want to work?

[NothingIsImpossible]

I should note that this isn't about my wife and I or even my parents. A couple we know is in a lot of debt due to some spending issues and not realizing how much debt they racked up. The couple is Christian.

The husband is very tired from working and doesn't want to have to have to get a second job but the wife reminds him of their debt constantly. He has told her she may have to get a job to so they can pay their bills off, even if the job is temporary.

The husband told me he's starting to grow bitter towards his wife because she takes care of the house and complains that she cannot work. Mind you they have no children. He is looking for Biblical advice to get her to see she may have to work so they can get out of their situation.

He tried asking me but I'm not quite sure what to say since this has less to do with the Bible and what to do with his wife's view on working. The only thing I could think of is that I remember a Bible study that if you miss spend your money, complain about it then have no faith in the Lord then he may send trials your way and make your life even harder until you accept what you have to do.

Granted I am not sure if that's totally accurate or not. But as with my own parents I told him most couples today say Living in America cost to much more than most people make in this both spouses end up having to work just to stay afloat. His wife tends to spend a lot of money on those monthly boxes where you get stuff, close in other non-essential things.

 

[Deborah D]

Sounds like a sticky situation that you might not want to get in the middle of! But I would probably advise them to seek counsel from their pastor or other respected Christian. If they are spending too much, that problem needs to be dealt with because it's a sign of deeper problems that can sabotage their marriage.

 

[RaymondG]

"4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

 

[mina]

I would stay out of another couple's life and advise him to speak with his pastor or to seek financial counseling/ marriage counseling together. This is between them and they both have to come up with a mutually agreed upon plan. A spouse asking a friend to help them find a bible verse to shame or guilt their spouse into doing what they want just seems very unhealthy .

ETA: If he's not talking to his wife directly about their own problems together then I would say the marriage has some troubles that aren't just about money and won't be fixed if she just simply gets a job or if debt is eliminated. Stay out of it and encourage him to seek counseling with his wife.

 

[bèlla]

Crown has a wonderful ministry that addresses money matters from a biblical perspective. I have a background in finance and took the classes. I highly recommend them! You’ve probably encountered some of the founder’s philosophies if you’re familiar with Dave Ramsey. That was his teacher.

They offer counseling too and numerous strategies for debt management which always reflect God and mutual grace. I’ve watched someone transform their behavior and become an inspiration for others.

While Dave’s program is good and is used by many, I feel that Crown is best in this scenario. The prayer and group support and declarations on money reinforce God’s perspective on stewardship which would benefit their relationship and alleviate the stress in turn.

Living on one income is doable for some with discipline and wise money management. I’ve been home full-time for nearly 13 years. I left the workforce in my mid-thirties. I utilize the concept of fat and lean which enables me to increase my spending or pull back when needed.

If she’s incapable of exercising discretion it is better to assign an allowance than give her free reign over their resources. The absence of self-control will heighten the strain he feels. He could provide a reloadable credit card to cover the living expenses and a modest sum for extras.

There are work-at-home opportunities with several companies they could consider. She could remain at home and contribute to the household finances. It’s a fair compromise.

I second the suggestion for marriage counseling. There may be deeper reasons for her reckless spending that he hasn’t shared. Unhappiness and depression are common factors for overspending.

 

[RDKirk]

I second the suggestion for marriage counseling. There may be deeper reasons for her reckless spending that he hasn’t shared. Unhappiness and depression are common factors for overspending.

Yes.

This isn't the day of wives having to thrash clothes on a washboard or start a fire in an iron stove to begin cooking. It doesn't take long to keep up a house with no children.

If they don't have children, the question is: What is she doing with her free time? If it's not being spent in some kind of explicitly productive effort, that could be part of the problem.

 

[bèlla]

This isn't the day of wives having to thrash clothes on a washboard or start a fire in an iron stove to begin cooking. It doesn't take long to keep up a house with no children.

Keeping house is much easier today. Especially if the home is free of children. Daily upkeep is simple unless they’re untidy. Even then, it wouldn’t take a full day to restore.

If they don't have children, the question is: What is she doing with her free time? If it's not being spent in some kind of explicitly productive effort, that could be part of the problem.

Social media is a big draw for stay-at-home moms and wives. Especially Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest too.

 

[Tolworth John]

Only one suggestion other than what has already been said, For them both to sit down with bank statements, credit card statements, gas bills, phone bills etc etc and go through them together to see what they are spending compared to what is being earn't.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I should note that this isn't about my wife and I or even my parents. A couple we know is in a lot of debt due to some spending issues and not realizing how much debt they racked up. The couple is Christian.

The husband is very tired from working and doesn't want to have to have to get a second job but the wife reminds him of their debt constantly. He has told her she may have to get a job to so they can pay their bills off, even if the job is temporary.

The husband told me he's starting to grow bitter towards his wife because she takes care of the house and complains that she cannot work. Mind you they have no children. He is looking for Biblical advice to get her to see she may have to work so they can get out of their situation.

He tried asking me but I'm not quite sure what to say since this has less to do with the Bible and what to do with his wife's view on working. The only thing I could think of is that I remember a Bible study that if you miss spend your money, complain about it then have no faith in the Lord then he may send trials your way and make your life even harder until you accept what you have to do.

Granted I am not sure if that's totally accurate or not. But as with my own parents I told him most couples today say Living in America cost to much more than most people make in this both spouses end up having to work just to stay afloat. His wife tends to spend a lot of money on those monthly boxes where you get stuff, close in other non-essential things.

The old testament virtuous wife spoken of in Proverbs 31:23-29 is not idle, she works and is a helpmeet to her husband - helping financially by making clothes and selling them for profit, the Proverb praises her for not being idle with her time..

A woman doesn't have to work outside the home, but if there are no children there is nothing against a woman bringing in whatever financial assistance she can to the home.

Nowhere does the Bible indicate a woman should spend all she wants and its up to her husband to pay for it all..

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Thanks for the replies. She's an immigrant and basically she wants name brand items to show off on social media (as people from her culture seem to do). She thinks buying a $1500 purse on sale for $500 is a deal. Doesn't understand its still not a deal. I'm not a woman of course so I don't understand purses, but I do realize most expensive brands you are just paying for the name. When he confronts her she puts him down because he spends money on healthy food because he has stomach issues and possibly gluten issues.

I get the feeling they aren't really churchgoers. Or at least she doesn't seem to be as much. He only ever talks to me since we share having a wife from another country in common. I have told him I think this issue comes down to where she is from and the "american dream" of coming here and getting 20 credit cards thinking you are rich.

He asked for biblical advise but part me knows, as I said, this is a bigger issue then the bible could answer per say. I don't know if they can go to a counselor though, he's afraid of involving anyone "professional" because he doesn't want her leaving him.

To answer some other questions, they have no kids though she may want some in the future she said. She spends her free time volunteering, shopping, going out to eat, exercising and being an addict on social media. Last time he told me they have around 45k in debt now.

This is why after talking to him I look at my wife and realize shes just fine. At least she understands budgeting more and has worked on not spending less and paying off debt. Shes even looking to drive and find a full time job. Being the house-husband I tell my friend I would never do what his wife does. There may be alot to do but you still have PLENTY of time to work. Granted I am disabled, his wife is able-bodied.

 

[Hazelelponi]

nvm..

 

[Joined2krist]

I think he's telling you far too much about their problems, seems he might not trust her enough so he needs another person to confide in. I think there are deeper issues about their marriage, they need to seek counsel even from their pastor if they can't afford a professional counselor. There are a lot of problems they need to resolve. You can show him Proverbs 31, it's a good biblical passage that encourages women to be enterprising. God bless

 

[mina]

There's a lot going on in what you described that is not going to be just fixed if she got a job. And yes, he's telling you way too much. It's not good how she is acting; but he's apparently allowed it and it's become a comfortable pattern by now. She may end up leaving him anyway if their finances get truly dire or if he manipulates her to get a job. For myself speaking, I'd rather get professional help to try and help change the course of my marriage by working together rather than ignoring the deeper issues and having it blow up in your face later on. At least he would be able to say he tried to protect the marriage.

 

[mama2one]

"american dream" of coming here and getting 20 credit cards thinking you are rich. Last time he told me they have around 45k in debt now.

that is a huge amount of debt and the problem is obviously credit card use and spending habits

being a sahm & not working now, know that the biggest thing is NOT spending unecessarily and using cash only

he is married to a spender and not a saver
somehow he needs to put her on a budget and get rid of her credit cards except for one and then put a maximum allowed spending on it (he can call the credit card company & lower the max)

 

[RaymondG]

She thinks buying a $1500 purse on sale for $500 is a deal.

I think 66% off is a great deal...........

 

[Andrew77]

I should note that this isn't about my wife and I or even my parents. A couple we know is in a lot of debt due to some spending issues and not realizing how much debt they racked up. The couple is Christian.

The husband is very tired from working and doesn't want to have to have to get a second job but the wife reminds him of their debt constantly. He has told her she may have to get a job to so they can pay their bills off, even if the job is temporary.

The husband told me he's starting to grow bitter towards his wife because she takes care of the house and complains that she cannot work. Mind you they have no children. He is looking for Biblical advice to get her to see she may have to work so they can get out of their situation.

He tried asking me but I'm not quite sure what to say since this has less to do with the Bible and what to do with his wife's view on working. The only thing I could think of is that I remember a Bible study that if you miss spend your money, complain about it then have no faith in the Lord then he may send trials your way and make your life even harder until you accept what you have to do.

Granted I am not sure if that's totally accurate or not. But as with my own parents I told him most couples today say Living in America cost to much more than most people make in this both spouses end up having to work just to stay afloat. His wife tends to spend a lot of money on those monthly boxes where you get stuff, close in other non-essential things.

Ok so.... I'm going to give you the least helpful advice ever.

Stay out of this.

I know that's trite, but if you really want to give it your best shot to help them out, then the very most I would do is give them Dave Ramsey's financial peace university.

Dave Ramsey's Official Online Store

Right now, they have the smart money bundle, for $35. If I were in your shoes I would buy it, and have it sent their address. And that is honestly all that I would do. Nothing more.

Other people on here have given advice on this, but I would not do any of it, and I'll explain why.

My father is a counselor for his church. I've read books by counselors, and watched videos by counselors, and so on.

What I have learned all these years is that, when you only talk to one person in a marriage, you get only their side, from their perspective, based on their ideals. When you talk to the other person, you'll get a completely different view, that will be so radically different, you'll think the two people came from separate planets.

Additionally what I have learned is, to have any spouse start quoting the Bible to the other, like a weapon, is the absolute worst possible move you can make. Attacking someone with bible verses, typically does not work. And especially in the context of marriage, I've never seen someone beat another down with bible verses, and end up in a good place. Just never seen that.

Perhaps someone here has, but I have not.

But as it relates to the topic at hand, I would not give this man advice on how to irritate his wife with bible verses. Especially when you don't really know what is going on. You have not done in depth discussions with both of them, to figure out where they really are at.

So I'll just recap what I said. I would not give any advice on this. I would stay out of it. I would tell him that if he has problems in his marriage, that he needs to seek good professional counseling, where both him and his wife, will sit down and talk out where the problem is.

But if you want to do something, what I would do in your shoes, is shell out the $35 and order the Financial Peace bundle from Dave Ramsey, and tell him to listen to the audio book on the way to work in the morning. Start learning what they might do differently to improve things.

But that's it. If I'm you, that is the most I would do.

Beyond that maybe ask him to meet you at church, and pray for wisdom with a pastor. I think Christians don't do that enough. That we should go to church, meet with other Christian men, and just pray "Lord, we have some trouble, and I'm in debt, and I need wisdom.". Keep it simple.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Yep, I've talked to him less about it when we get together. I'll maybe bring up any movies he watched or some news I seen to change subjects.

 

[bèlla]

She's an immigrant and basically she wants name brand items to show off on social media (as people from her culture seem to do).

That was helpful because it indicates an area of interest. She likes fashion. If she’s posting on social media she may have developed a following and could monetize her posts to offset expenses. That would be the high road in all of this.

Many of the women I know built successful businesses from home which enabled their spouse to retire and pursue a different line of work.

She thinks buying a $1500 purse on sale for $500 is a deal.

The costs are relative. If she has the discretionary income for the purchase its a deal. Otherwise its a burden.

Doesn't understand its still not a deal. I'm not a woman of course so I don't understand purses, but I do realize most expensive brands you are just paying for the name.

There are other factors including the quality of materials, workmanship, and scarcity. You wouldn’t compare a Rolls to a Nissan. Similar scales exist for handbags.

I have told him I think this issue comes down to where she is from and the "american dream" of coming here and getting 20 credit cards thinking you are rich.

Culture and life experiences have an impact on your perspectives. If she’s been impoverished and is finally able to purchase the things she likes it can feel like she’s hit the jackpot. We see the same in American culture. Whereas the person who wasn’t lacking may have a different ideology on material goods.

Being the house-husband I tell my friend I would never do what his wife does. There may be alot to do but you still have PLENTY of time to work. Granted I am disabled, his wife is able-bodied.

Your circumstances differ and it isn’t a fair comparison. Their need for counseling is obvious and she needs wise companions. He undoubtedly feels frustrated and taken advantage of.

When your partner provides for your livelihood and upkeep without expectation of contribution it’s a blessing. It has been my experience that they appreciate a companion who respects their generosity and recognizes the effort expended on their behalf. It’s a breach of trust when we fail to do so.