What's my problem?

[Habakkuk]

I've been going out with this girl now for quite some time, and am completely taken with her. However, in her previous relationship, which lasted 9 months, she gave up her virginity. For some reason, this urks me. They didn't start having sex until their 8-month anniversary, and were caught by her boyfriend's mother right before their 9th (he's the kind of guy who'll be living with his mother for the rest of his life), making it almost a month. Through that month, they had sex 10 times (in her boyfriend's living room, I might add). Some of the stuff that I've considered as possibilities for my inability to leave it behind are:
1. She's not the kind of person who you'd expect to do that, so I wonder what else she might have done outside of her expected character (however, I trust her completely... so....)
2. I don't know why she did it; by the time they had sex, she already liked me and had fought with her boyfriend because he knew she liked me; that and he didn't treat her too well... he yelled at her often and tried to control who she could and couldn't talk to (however, she told him she wouldn't leave him for me, which she didn't... long story)
3. I can't imagine what she thought as she did it and when she went home after doing it (she still lives with her parents)
4. Her ex-boyfriend was using her for sex; throughout the relationship, they did the oral stuff, and it seems to me that he'd prefer her head down there than on level with his own (I don't see why, she's beautiful) and that right after they had sex, she asked him to tell nobody, but he BEGGED her to let him tell his friends, and thus it got around school

She doesn't want to talk about it becuase she hates the memory of it, and she REALLY doesn't like me contemplating her past relationships, so I've decided to seek council. That part was a bit difficult because she wants as few people to know about it as possible, hence why I left our names uknown.

If you guys could offer any help or advice that might help me solve my problem here, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Jocky]

Mate,

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you being upset about this. I'm in a similar situation. One good thing to come out of it is that you'll both have a far greater understanding of why sex outside of marriage is wrong after this. I know I certainly feel it for myself now.

Anyway, in my struggles I've been told that time will heal to a certain extent. And I am really seeking God to help me to forgive and remove the pain. I believe that he is doing that at the moment.

 

[horuhe00]

I'd be feeling the exact same thing. For me it would be the frustration of having met this wonderful girl that you have been saving yourself for all your life, and finding out that she wasn't strong enough to do the same.

Every night I pray that my future wife will be a virgin(among other things) but I know that the person God has for me might not be. If that is true, I'll have to deal with it, but I know it won't be easy.

If it's meant to be, you'll have to accept it but it will take time.

 

[JulesM]

Hi, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a girl, and I was reading your post - I just wanted to add my two pence worth.

I lost my virginity when I was a teenager, I wasn't a christian. I have repented and been forgiven, and hope one day to meet a christian man and get married. Often I have been worried that this guy may have 'issues' with the fact I'm not a virgin when we marry, and sometimes this makes me feel like I'm not good enough (which can be a bit self destructive).

This girl may be afraid of this guy and prob does things to please him. Or she may have an unloved or lonely existence outside of him which is why she stays (and probably hates herself for it).

I was promiscous because I had serious issues about abuse I'd suffered as a child. That's not to say this is her situation - but I'm just trying to say there may be a more serious reason why she's doing this, than you can see.

maybe try talking to her?

If this girl is genuinely sorry for what she's done, she will recieve Gods forgiveness. You then need to ask for his forgiveness because of the anger you have felt, and judement you have put on her. When God forgives you you will find the ability through him to forgive her too.

Ultimately if you love her you will forgive her. The bible says 'Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church' Thats a very tall order - but if you're serious about her this is what you have to attain.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

This poor girl just got wrapped up with a creep. If she had been sleeping around shamelessly or with him shamelessly then I would see things a bit differently.
Stuff happens, and it happened to this poor girl.
Please be merciful to her and don't hold this against her.
Praise God she got away from this guy and from the behavior.

 

[leah-bygrace]

Mate,

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you being upset about this. I'm in a similar situation. One good thing to come out of it is that you'll both have a far greater understanding of why sex outside of marriage is wrong after this. I know I certainly feel it for myself now.

Anyway, in my struggles I've been told that time will heal to a certain extent. And I am really seeking God to help me to forgive and remove the pain. I believe that he is doing that at the moment.

I agree with Jocky. The most important thing you can do is to pray. Tell Him how you feel, and pray that He would help you through this.

My current bf and I definitely went through the same feelings as you. It was extremely hard for us to deal with each other's past. Neither of us was pure, but we still almost broke-up because of our refusal to forget about the past. But we continuously prayed about it, and I believe the Lord helped us to deal with it and get over it. It has never been an issue since.

You didn't say if she has earnestly sought God's forgiveness. If she has, and is making a concious effort, you must do as Jules said:

If this girl is genuinely sorry for what she's done, she will recieve Gods forgiveness. You then need to ask for his forgiveness because of the anger you have felt, and judement you have put on her. When God forgives you you will find the ability through him to forgive her too.

 

[jay_swift]

Lack of virginity is a big turn off for me, and you are in a position I hope I will never be. It would be hard for me to forgive someone for having sex before marriage, especially 10 times! I know God tells us to forgive, so if you care about her you really need to forgive her.

 

[hischildsindik]

Please be careful when you judge lack of viginity as a turn off. There are numerous factors that you may not know that could have produced actions to cause that. True repentance should be a greater measure in this case. And forgiveness. If God has forgiven her, then there is no man (as in mankind) that should hold this against her.

If you want something to be a turn off, pick a greater thing than viginity (and I do understand its importance, mind you). A heart that lacks a relationship with Christ is more of a turn off to me. A lack of desire to serve and please God is a turn off. Only God knows a persons heart and reasons for their actions.

Prayer should be the first action. First action to dating, courting, marrying anyone. Seek God. He knows your heart and what you seek. But remember judge not, least ye be judged.

 

[horuhe00]

If you want something to be a turn off, pick a greater thing than viginity (and I do understand its importance, mind you).

Somewhere between not wanting to please God and snorting when she laughs as turnoffs, for me and many men, not being a virgin is a turn off. It's just the fact of the matter, it's not sexist, it's not unfair, it just 'is'. There are many things that are turn offs and there are many things that are turn ons. Virginity is simply one of the turnoffs for me.

 

[Lia]

Somewhere between not wanting to please God and snorting when she laughs as turnoffs, for me and many men, not being a virgin is a turn off. It's just the fact of the matter, it's not sexist, it's not unfair, it just 'is'. There are many things that are turn offs and there are many things that are turn ons. Virginity is simply one of the turnoffs for me.

I respect your opinion on non-virginity is a turn off for you. But in my opinion it's not necessary to say as if no virginity is one of the worst things out there. I wouldn't compare virginity with annoying behavior like laughing, snorting, etc. At least maybe you want to keep it for yourself, because not all Christians are virgins because of different reasons happened in their pasts.

Some already-repented-non-virgins feel terrible/bad enough to not being a virgin themselves, it's like a burden/scar they have to bear for the rest of their life eventhough God has forgiven them. This scar is the consequence because of bad choices they made earlier in their life. They wish that they can redo everything but it's over and done. Nothing is going to change.

God forgives sexual sins, NO LESS than God forgives when you are lying or cheating, etc. Our sins regardless what kind, big and small - are offensive to God. Be it sexual sins, pride, gossip, etc. Bottom line, not one of us is worthy of the grace of God, regardless if he/she is a virgin or not. Our sins crucify Jesus on the cross.

Back to the point, I hope you would be more sensitive toward the non-virgins Christians out there. At least, be a little careful with your verbal expression because that could push the button on some people's past pain.

Grace and blessing to you!

 

[seekingsomething]

As someone that is not a virgin i agree with a lot of the things on this thread. I have spent so long beating myself up over this but it is through God that i am forgiven and oh my WHAT a relief. And once He has forgiven me, who ican question that?? This doesnt make it easy in the slightest for the person on the recievein end of this bad news, but its is certainly not easy for the person who is telling you their past. Try and see the good in this situation. This girl trusts and honours you enough to tell you what happened, she has enough grace and understanding to know what she did was wrong and is a godly girl in looking to the lord for forgiveness. Im not sure what more you can expect from this situation. What i would say though is that you know way too many details. You need to ask God for help with that, to gain clarity of mind so you can see past those details and try to love and forgive this girl. Dont ask any more details and decline offers for them. All they do is prolong the time needed to resolve this situation, too many images in your head. I am truely sorry that you are finding this so hard. I pray God will give you understanding. Love in Christ x x x

 

[hischildsindik]

Thank you Lia. That's said so well. I apologize for my reaction. It would have been better said as you had. And one thing I would add, for those who uphold it and seek it in their mates, I pray that you keep it as well for a gift. They also might hold the same and look for the same. And as I've said in other posts, it is something I'd rather have to give, than having it not to give. It is a precious gift and should be given to the right person, your spouse. However, God forgives. And for that I am truly thankful, even if it is hard to completely forgive myself.

 

[brinley45cal]

Well she made a mistake,she cant go back and change it,but she can ask the lord for forgiveness and not do it again.There are alot of reasons why she could have done it,but if your wanting to have a relationship with this girl you are going to have to get past this issue,if you keep bringing it up and throwing it up in her face your going to drive her away.By the way it sounds shes not proud of what she did and is sorry for what she did,most people have done things in there past they would like to go back and change and do over again,and dont need to be reminded of it.
Remmember jesus dont care about our past just our future.
I think you need to cut the girl some slack.Good luck and god bless.

 

[rainbowprism]

I have to agree with Lia. I myself am a non-virgin Christian. I have completley ended that part of my life when I came to Christ. Growing up, I had nobody to tell me that pre-marital sex was wrong and I certainly never knew about the Gospel. As soon I came to Christ I stopped. You say not being a virgin is a turn-off...closemindedness is a bigger turn-off to me. I don't think people realize how impossible it is for me now....secular people won't date me cause I refuse to 'put-out' and Christians reject me because I had made a mistake in my past. I feel like a large part of the reason Christian men don't want to date me because of that reason is becuase the minute I tell them, they think 'if I ever marry this girl I'm going to be completely clueless in bed and I will be compared to her past experiences'--so really it seems more like something they need to deal with than I need to worry about. I feel like a complete leper and there is absolutley nothing I can do. I'm not going to lie about my past. I have turned away from this sin and have asked God's forgiveness, which I am assured He has given me. "He who without sin, cast the first stone" I'm sorry but I really feel a lack of compassion about this subject...people make mistakes, this was hers and mine--our own cross to carry and by judging us doesn't lighten our load any.

 

[Lbiagm]

I dont know you tell me.

 

[desi]

Habakkuk,

It sounds like you know what you need to know. She messed up and regrets it. You are left to decide if she is worth staying with. While I would have second thoughts as you do I don't think sleeping with one guy is so bad as other things women are wont to do in this day and age. You must decide for yourself. If you have exceptionally high standards there are virgins out there. If you want I can direct you to an attractive 18 year old virgin girl in the Omaha Nebraska area, if you so wish.

 

[Jocky]

I think we need to have compassion for both parties in an issue like this. I'm a virgin (though I've still done stuff I shouldn't have) and my girlfriend has been living a sexual lifestyle for a large part of the last 17 years with more guys than I'm aware of. When I first started to face up to this realisation I was utterly devastated, losing sleep and getting very depressed. It didn't help that I've known her well for the last year in which time she's given me all sorts of details that I now wish I didn't have and I've seen her in sexual relationships with 4 different guys.

I lost my virginity when I was a teenager, I wasn't a christian. I have repented and been forgiven, and hope one day to meet a christian man and get married. Often I have been worried that this guy may have 'issues' with the fact I'm not a virgin when we marry, and sometimes this makes me feel like I'm not good enough (which can be a bit self destructive).

That is what my girlfriend feels when we discuss this too. i.e. not good enough. I don't want her to feel this way. Partly I'm scared because she has repented before and then left the church and returned to that lifestyle. On the other hand, when in the Church she has a Christian boyfriend who raped her so I also have to factor that in.

This girl may be afraid of this guy and prob does things to please him. Or she may have an unloved or lonely existence outside of him which is why she stays (and probably hates herself for it).

This may or may not be the case. It maybe that she decided that she was going to go out and have sex because she wanted too, or even a combination of the two. You mustn't assume either way in my opinion out of respect to both parties feelings. What is important is that she is truly repentant and forgiven now.

I was promiscous because I had serious issues about abuse I'd suffered as a child. That's not to say this is her situation - but I'm just trying to say there may be a more serious reason why she's doing this, than you can see.

This is a very good point, and again mirrors my girlfriends past.

If this girl is genuinely sorry for what she's done, she will recieve Gods forgiveness. You then need to ask for his forgiveness because of the anger you have felt, and judement you have put on her. When God forgives you you will find the ability through him to forgive her too.

I think we have to be very careful here. It isn't wrong for this guy to feel very angry in this situation. If you're abused as a child for example, they say that you need to reach a point of forgiveness to get over it, but I think you still have a right to be very angry and hurt about what has happened to you and it isn't something you can turn off like a tap either. So it is for the virgin who is with a non-virgin. I had no ability to stop my girlfriend being abused either. I couldn't stop her making all the bad decisions over the years, I cannot choose to not be hurt and angry and more than she can. I can however choose to forgive her and try to understand and be more compassionate. This naturally leads to helping the hurt & pain slowly subside.

Equally important is that whilst the forgiven party celebrates their new freedom in Christ, they don't calously forget and rubbish / trivialise the pain that the other person is still going through. Compassion for them is equally important in making the relationship work and getting over this hurdle. I think we must not forget this!

Ultimately if you love her you will forgive her. The bible says 'Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church' Thats a very tall order - but if you're serious about her this is what you have to attain.

Again agreed, but be careful with just throwing scripture at a persons pain and telling them to deal with it. It wouldn't be right for me to keep quoting verses about fornication and the sanctity of marriage to my girlfriend. I feel that this really isn't any better. Let's have compassion for both sides eh!?

God Bless.....