What to expect/forgiving adultery

[surfergirlmel]

I found out about two months ago that my husband was cheating on me. He slept with several women throughout our marriage and was involved in other sexual sin. He is going through a recovery program and he goes to church regularly now and has repented. I know I have the option to divorce him but I am not sure if that's the most God glorifying choice. We were married under 3 years. I was faithful and also, yes, I was more than willing to meet his sexual needs and often got rejected due to his increasing dependence on this sin. It has been really hard for me. I moved out to show him how serious I am and that I believe our vows and marriage are broken. I have had to start a new life and new job and it is very painful and tough. I'm just surviving day to day with God's help. He wants to reconcile and says he wants to fight to save our marriage. What should I look for as signs he is serious and doing what he should be doing to save our marriage? So far not that much has changed. Is it too soon to expect it? I mean, as far as I know he has not cheated again or engaged in other sexual sin, but the way we relate to each other and the lack of spiritual leadership is still there. I know God has to be the one we count on to restore our marriage but what does that look like? How do we go about that? Sometimes it seems so impossible with the pain he has caused, the deception and lies (I will not go into detail so I don't dishonor him, but it was pretty bad), and the lack of trust.

 

[ddisciple]

A husband as appointed by god should be a good leader to his wife and children. He should display a loving ability to lead his family to heaven.
if i where in your shoes, i would be looking for signs that his faith and commitment to god where sincere.
Him going to church regularly is a good start, and really working hard to overcome his sin is another good sign. Ask god to help both you and him. you will need help for the forgiveness part, and him to never commit the same sin again. also the hurt and trust of yours he has broken down

If both you and he are really serious in working on the relationship, you will both start with your own problems. (taking the plank out of your own eye before looking for the splinter in your brothers)

If you walk in riteousness and practise forgiveness, you will be walking with the lord. Who better to have on your side than anyone on earth. Ask the lord to help your husband and to guide him along the right path.

 

[myanchor]

He should definitely be willing to have an accountablility partner who is a strong christian. Have only a joint email account with you. Consent to filters/reporting software on the computer. Give you all of his passwords for phone, and internet. Make a clean break from even talking with the women. Take a new job away from them if he has to work with them. Go to Christian retreats as given by your church, by newlife.com, by focus on the family, by familylifetoday, which is a subgroup of campuscrusade. He has to do everything he can to build up trust with you. He has to prove himself trustworthy in all ways. He broke the vows and the trust, he has to work to get them back. You have to go to God to get the strenth to forgive him. UnityinLove has some really good things to say about forgiveness.

 

[Easyk]

you know the worst fears he will have..

1.) he must forever walk on egg shells hiding some deep thoughts and stuff he longs to discuss with you. if he does you may just walk out.
2.) come home to an empty house.
3.) because you may have a disagreement and just pack and leave. he must and will allways leave things that upset him and hide it and be quite..
4.) he wont be allowed to ever make mistakes, you will leave.. so no mistakes.. dont do much..

 

[myanchor]

Easyk, when she does forgive him, he will know it.

 

[DZoolander]

You were married less than three years, and he has already racked up several infidelities?

I guess it's really all about what you want to do.

If you want to spend at *least* the next few years staring at him and constantly questioning his faithfulness, cringing when he touches you, wondering if he touched the other women the same way, wondering if he moved the same way when he's with you as he was with them, having those types of thoughts consume you...

...then reflecting those thoughts on to him...dealing with the inevitable arguments that will arise when he feels that he's done "paying" for his sin, but you're not through with it yet...wondering down the line if you're being unfair to him despite how you feel...dealing with the doubt that arises in whether you did the right thing when you cannot rekindle the love the same way it was before...having him become self righteous to only maybe cheat again as a result of it...

...then by all means, give it a shot.

If it were me though, I'd accept what a slap in the face it was, divorce him and go find someone else where I wouldn't need to worry about all that nonsense that they brought on.

 

[KRAZYCAT]

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way...he's a mile away and barefoot.
- Anonymous

I have been there and done that..and got the t-shirt. You should get on your knees and pray. Have a heart to heart with yourself and God, do you really want to be in this depressing state for years to come. Always on your knees and asking for help to forgive, 'cause you will not forget. The hurt is too deep. Time will help, it always does but ...from my own experience I would say let go, let God and move on with your life. He will too, if you make him. I know this is hard, but it will get easier with time.

 

[dayhiker]

If I heard right, your concern with more than the sexual issues. He may be focused on just the sexual issues right now. I'd talk with the men that are overseeing him and let them know your concern about some other things as well before you recommit. Give him some time to grow and mature if you want. While your waiting on that you might start dating at some point. \

Do a lot of reading and get to know and be able to express what you want from him and your renewed relationship. Also be willing to give some things to him that he wants as well so its not a one say street.

If you decide to give it a 2nd go, make it clear that the next time its divorce time.

dayhiker

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he says he will change his evil ways and do a program to show you he is serious then move back in with him and be a loving wife. Let him know you will not put up with any nonsense from him anymore and that if he messes up again you will leave forever. Then get back with him and see how he acts. Be loving and don't be resentful. For this to have a chance of working you have to be the bigger person almost to the extent Jesus is because you have to love someone who betrayed and hurt you. If you can be that then give it a shot. If you know you can't do that then you will both probably be miserable if you stay together.

 

[Easyk]

Easyk, when she does forgive him, he will know it.

no not really..

 

[Autumnleaf]

no not really..

Didn't you know? Men are mind readers.

 

[gracechick]

I would say you've been through alot. I would take my time with this one and let the Lord lead you as He is the only one that truely knows the heart. I hope you have other prayer support.
You obviously have grounds to divorce, but you both are the only ones that know were you at and if what he says is really coming from the heart. God bless.

 

[Heismyrock2]

I feel your pain all too well! I've been married for almost 17 years and my husband just (3 weeks ago) disclosed to me that he has been having affairs our entire marriage. He wants to reconcile and is in a Christian rehab center and talking the talk but after this many years of lying to me, how could I ever fully trust him again. I'm in my early 30's and the "prime" of a womans life and I really doubt that I could last too long without any sex but of course can't picture myself committing fornication. Do I just take him back and deal with the consequences of his sin or do I end it in hopes that I will find another husband soon? And then what if husband number 2 has the same issues and commits adultery? Do I do it all over again?

I am barely getting through each day and the nights alone are horrible! I have 4 daughters and can't picture a man wanting to marry someone with 4 kids from a previous marriage.

Only God, can show each of us what we should do...but if you are only 3 years into this marriage and especially if you don't have kids yet, then really think and pray hard about what your life will be like in 10 years with kids and being back in this same situation...

I found out about two months ago that my husband was cheating on me. He slept with several women throughout our marriage and was involved in other sexual sin. He is going through a recovery program and he goes to church regularly now and has repented. I know I have the option to divorce him but I am not sure if that's the most God glorifying choice. We were married under 3 years. I was faithful and also, yes, I was more than willing to meet his sexual needs and often got rejected due to his increasing dependence on this sin. It has been really hard for me. I moved out to show him how serious I am and that I believe our vows and marriage are broken. I have had to start a new life and new job and it is very painful and tough. I'm just surviving day to day with God's help. He wants to reconcile and says he wants to fight to save our marriage. What should I look for as signs he is serious and doing what he should be doing to save our marriage? So far not that much has changed. Is it too soon to expect it? I mean, as far as I know he has not cheated again or engaged in other sexual sin, but the way we relate to each other and the lack of spiritual leadership is still there. I know God has to be the one we count on to restore our marriage but what does that look like? How do we go about that? Sometimes it seems so impossible with the pain he has caused, the deception and lies (I will not go into detail so I don't dishonor him, but it was pretty bad), and the lack of trust.

 

[gracechick]

I feel your pain all too well! I've been married for almost 17 years and my husband just (3 weeks ago) disclosed to me that he has been having affairs our entire marriage. He wants to reconcile and is in a Christian rehab center and talking the talk but after this many years of lying to me, how could I ever fully trust him again. I'm in my early 30's and the "prime" of a womans life and I really doubt that I could last too long without any sex but of course can't picture myself committing fornication. Do I just take him back and deal with the consequences of his sin or do I end it in hopes that I will find another husband soon? And then what if husband number 2 has the same issues and commits adultery? Do I do it all over again?

I am barely getting through each day and the nights alone are horrible! I have 4 daughters and can't picture a man wanting to marry someone with 4 kids from a previous marriage.

Only God, can show each of us what we should do...but if you are only 3 years into this marriage and especially if you don't have kids yet, then really think and pray hard about what your life will be like in 10 years with kids and being back in this same situation...

I am so sorry. You're in a very difficult position and yeah the nights by yourself can be very lonely

 

[Test All Things2]

Just a few suggestions for him to help get in line with God's program. Bible studies and service to God in some fashion (some form of ministry or related). Working in a homeless shelter or something similar that shows and proves his heart is truly in this rehabilitation effort. Would it prove some sincerity to stick out a program that will bring growth and an increase in godly behaviours? Regular in depth structured studies of God's word could only be good for him.

If he is sincere this shouldn't be too much to ask of him. Maybe that would help you also to start believing in his efforts to regain your trust. I pray God gives you guidance, wisdom and strength my sister in Christ. God is your tower of refuge and strength always.

I am going through a similar thing and I know how much you have been hurt.

One thing you can do is pray (and ask others to join in this) for the Holy Spirit to change your husband in his heart, mind and conscience. Pray God to transform him through the renewing of his mind and that he may grow in the grace and wisdom of Christ into the faithful, responsible, loving and caring husband that you deserve.

Faith comes by hearing the Word. He should be getting heaping doses as medicine for his spirit and soul. Regular attendance at church and related functions would seem mandatory in my mind.

Hope things work out for you sister. God bless you and keep you in his care.