what to do when your child says she 'hates God'

[river1]

I have a 5 year old that is on the autism spectrum, she is highly functional in many areas but emotionally immature. Lately she is really digging in her heels about not wanting to go to church, we have to drag her there kicking and screaming (literally). When we tell her we go there to talk to and learn about our best friend Jesus she has started saying 'I hate God I hate Jesus, I don't love him', it is very distressing for us. She is also refusing to pray at night either. I know she is only 5 but is breaks my heart to hear her talking about her heavenly father this way, we have tried talking to her but it goes straight over her head, my husband has gotton so cross with her he has threatened to disapline her next time she says it. She is generally difficult all round and this behaviour is also going along with 'i hate you, i hate our family, shut up' and trying to hit us. Yet at other times she can be quite loving, we are waiting to see a child pyschologist but it is very hard to have a child like this.

 

[TCat]

Wow, that must be painful to hear. I have a son with "issues" and know how hard it is to raise him so I empathize. No advice to give, just a hug and prayer, and hope that you are guided to find the help you all need to move forward on this journey of child rearing. God Bless.

 

[white dove]

Can you find a local support group for parents with children with autism or special needs? It might help to hear from those who are going through similar struggles. It would also be helpful for you and your husband to remember the cognitive aspects of special needs children (which you've probably already looked into) and how that may differ from non-special needs children. In other words, as hard as it is to hear those things I would try not to take them personally as children (in general) rarely know the severity of their words, much less special needs children. In a sense, they "don't know" what they're saying. But I really think you and your husband would benefit from a support group catered to exploring and explaining such a situation. Learning to deal with the physical attacks is particularly necessary and sort of nipping in the bud early on, so you'll know how to deal with such outbursts when she is older (and more stronger).

 

[Some Other Guy]

I have a 5 year old that is on the autism spectrum, she is highly functional in many areas but emotionally immature. Lately she is really digging in her heels about not wanting to go to church, we have to drag her there kicking and screaming (literally). When we tell her we go there to talk to and learn about our best friend Jesus she has started saying 'I hate God I hate Jesus, I don't love him', it is very distressing for us.

First of all, of course she hates God. All sinners hate God. Why should she be any different just because she's a child? I know she's your precious little angel, but she's still a sinner.

Second, I'm not sure I'd push the "Jesus is our Big Buddy" angle. That creates a false view of Jesuss right from the start.

She is also refusing to pray at night either. I know she is only 5 but is breaks my heart to hear her talking about her heavenly father this way

Are you a Mormon?

we have tried talking to her but it goes straight over her head, my husband has gotton so cross with her he has threatened to disapline her next time she says it.

Good for him. Make sure he makes the connection with her between his discipline and God's discipline. Far too few parents do that.

She is generally difficult all round and this behaviour is also going along with 'i hate you, i hate our family, shut up' and trying to hit us.

Are you spanking her?

 

[clep]

I have a 5 year old that is on the autism spectrum, she is highly functional in many areas but emotionally immature. Lately she is really digging in her heels about not wanting to go to church, we have to drag her there kicking and screaming (literally). When we tell her we go there to talk to and learn about our best friend Jesus she has started saying 'I hate God I hate Jesus, I don't love him', it is very distressing for us. She is also refusing to pray at night either. I know she is only 5 but is breaks my heart to hear her talking about her heavenly father this way, we have tried talking to her but it goes straight over her head, my husband has gotton so cross with her he has threatened to disapline her next time she says it. She is generally difficult all round and this behaviour is also going along with 'i hate you, i hate our family, shut up' and trying to hit us. Yet at other times she can be quite loving, we are waiting to see a child pyschologist but it is very hard to have a child like this.

Are you taking her to a Christian psychologist?
How far on the autism spectrum is she? What is reasonable to expect of her in terms of making choices? What would you estimate in years to be her emotional maturity?

I would prefer to know those things to be able to provide what might be a reasonable solution.

 

[Jilly123]

First of all, of course she hates God. All sinners hate God. Why should she be any different just because she's a child? I know she's your precious little angel, but she's still a sinner.

Second, I'm not sure I'd push the "Jesus is our Big Buddy" angle. That creates a false view of Jesuss right from the start.


Are you a Mormon?


Good for him. Make sure he makes the connection with her between his discipline and God's discipline. Far too few parents do that.


Are you spanking her?

I feel quite sad reading this...I'm not completely against spanking, but spanking her is not going to make her love God and although it might make her stop saying she hates God, it's not going to change how she feels. This is a heart issue that needs to be addressed as such and not spanked out of her. If you change the heart attitude the behavior will automatically change. I'm not saying that they should just let it slide or that it is acceptable, but I do believe that you need to get to the bottom of why she is saying this.

If she is feeling angry she needs to learn how to appropriately express negative emotions. Kids that age sometimes say things they don't mean because they have emotions they don't know how to express. I doubt your 5 year old even has a clear concept of God, I know mine certainly doesn't. She can't see Him. He is a very abstract thing for her. I would worry more if it were your 10 year old saying that.



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[Some Other Guy]

I feel quite sad reading this...I'm not completely against spanking, but spanking her is not going to make her love God and although it might make her stop saying she hates God, it's not going to change how she feels.

The only thing that will make a sinner love God is the regeneration of the Holy Spirit. I'm not talking about her feelings. I'm talking about her behavior.

If she is feeling angry she needs to learn how to appropriately express negative emotions. Kids that age sometimes say things they don't mean because they have emotions they don't know how to express.

Again, not talking about feelings, but behavior.

I doubt your 5 year old even has a clear concept of God

They all had an age appropriate understanding of God, but they didn't hit, they didn't talk back,and they didn't throw temper tantrums. Why? Because we punished them when they did and so they learned very quickly that bad behavior brings negative consequences.

 

[vespasia]

The sunday school I am responsible for contains a far higher than average number of children/young people on the Autistic Spectrum. Sometimes I think their parents bring them to us because they have heard we care and we cope.

The further into the autistic spectrum a child is the greater the effect of the triad of impairments.

Many children on the autistic spectrum struggle to cope with the amount of sensory input that literally assaults them.
One of our children screamed and hid with his fingers in his ears when the music began. For him it was an auditory assault of his over sensitive hearing that caused physical pain.
He now wears ear plugs and ear defenders in the worship parts of the service. His preferred worship is to whisper.
Three of the others have a mile wide personal space zone. If you get in it they will bite, kick or hit you. They cannot bear anyone to touch them or be near them. We let them stand by the door so they feel safe and encourage them to use a warning card or phrase such as 'If you get any closer I will kick you' when they feel someone is getting too close. If we get it wrong we appolgise because we know them.

Step back and look at what is going on that could be causing your child so much distress. My hunch is that it is church your child cannot cope with. Kicking and screaming is your child's way of telling you something scares the heck out of them. Its going to have something to do with how people do the service not God.
Why should a child in the autistic spectrum want to go to a place that causes sensory pain?

Ask yourself is church; busy; uses a lot of power point displays, are there a lot of people there, is there any quiet zones your child seems happier to be in.
Does this church offer smaller fellowship gatherings that might be have less noise, activity and people?
Could you take in things that would help them? Bubble blowing mix works wonders for most.

Autism causes a communication disorder.
This is deeper and harder to over come than a mere speech or language disorder. You talking at her goes over her head because she does not understand. You really need an assessment from a speech and language therapist to work out how to support your child. It may be worth looking at an enhanced communication method such as PECS. Our church also uses Widget for songs. A good Sunday school teacher will let a child use enhanced communication systems.

Discipline comes from the Latin word 'to teach' it does not mean to hit or be angry at. Disciple comes from the same word. Take the frustration you feel about your child to the feet of Christ. Try not to take it out on them- that creates very unhappy families and can led to child protection having to become involved.

Can I suggest you read the National Autistic Society website to get a general overview of what is normal for autistic children. They should have links to support in the country you are in.

I strongly recommend you get advice from a multi-disciplinary team including a speech thearapist.
A good Sunday school teacher will be happy to take on board and act upon the suggestions to help a child settle in; as will a caring pastor who leads services. Care for the family may be able to put you in contact with family support closer to your home.
If your in the UK please look at Positive Parenting courses, these have an underpinning christian ethos and are recommended by CAHMS.
TEACCH is another useful behavioural intervention used in schools in the UK with ASD kids.

You may find it helpful to read Ross W. Greene 'The explosive Child' and Lorna Wing 'The Autistic Spectrum'. These are secular but give insight into managing challenging behaviours in a way that models good behaviour to a child with challenging or difficult behaviours.
If you have any specific questions about making Church a more pleasant rather than terrifying place for your child to be - ask. I may be able to point you towards sources that can help.

 

[Jilly123]

The only thing that will make a sinner love God is the regeneration of the Holy Spirit. I'm not talking about her feelings. I'm talking about her behavior.

I completely agree but what I am trying to say is that I don't think the issue is whether she loves or hates God at all. I don't believe she does hate Him, I believe she is saying that because she doesn't know how else to express something that she is feeling. I think what she is saying is just a symptom of something more complex.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am not anti-spanking - my kids also know that negative behavior = negative consequence. All I am saying is that you could discipline her for the behavior (saying she hates God) but I believe that is just addressing the symptom and not the real issue.

I thought Vespasia had some excellent advice. I think there is way more to this than just her saying "I hate God".

 

[Some Other Guy]

I don't believe she does hate Him, I believe she is saying that because she doesn't know how else to express something that she is feeling. I think what she is saying is just a symptom of something more complex.

That could be, but the fact is that the Bible says that ALL sinners hate God so whether she means to or not, she's telling the truth.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am not anti-spanking - my kids also know that negative behavior = negative consequence. All I am saying is that you could discipline her for the behavior (saying she hates God) but I believe that is just addressing the symptom and not the real issue.

Then don't spank your children when they misbehave and I'll be among the people in the restaurant staring at you when your kid pitches a fit and wondering why we can't have a meal in peace because you didn't punish him.

 

[vespasia]

I have never had to hit a child.
I find simply using 'no' and the voice is more than enough.

Come to think of it last time I used 'Stop. No' with the voice I not only stopped the teenager who was wrecking havoc but the worship group, the preacher and the whole church who all stopped everything and froze until I said they could carry on.

If you carry authority you have no need to misuse the rod meant to protect the sheep.

Discipline= to teach it is not to punish.

 

[Some Other Guy]

I have never had to hit a child.
I find simply using 'no' and the voice is more than enough.

Come to think of it last time I used 'Stop. No' with the voice I not only stopped the teenager who was wrecking havoc but the worship group, the preacher and the whole church who all stopped everything and froze until I said they could carry on.

If you carry authority you have no need to misuse the rod meant to protect the sheep.

Discipline= to teach it is not to punish.

First of all, spanking is not hitting. If you don't know the difference between spanking and hitting, then you probably shouldn't have children.

Second, I'm not talking about discipline, I'm talking about punishment.

 

[vespasia]

Spanking still involves hitting a child no matter how you try and dress it up.

A child who has a developmental disorder, atypical development or challenging behaviour should not be hit for spanking just tells them adults are allowed to hurt them.

A parent who is in control and who can say no and mean it from love does not have to resort to any form of physical chastisement. Its far better to use a low arousal intervention stratergy if a child is at risk of causing or coming to harm for that does not involve inflicting pain.

The OP is about a child in the autistic spectrum.

 

[Some Other Guy]

Spanking still involves hitting a child no matter how you try and dress it up.

Like I said, if you don't know the difference between spanking and hitting, you shouldn't have children.

A child who has a developmental disorder, atypical development or challenging behaviour should not be spanked for spanking just tells them adults are allowed to hurt them.

Not if it's done correctly and Biblically.

A parent who is in control and who can say no and mean it from love does not have to resort to any form of physical chastisement.

I take it you don't have any children. A strong willed child will not respond to "honey, I hear you and I validate your feelings. Now would you like to put on your self esteem hat"?

Its far better to use a low arousal intervention stratergy if a child is at risk of causing or coming to harm for that does not involve inflicting pain.

If you believe that spanking involves inflicting pain, then you shouldn't have children.

The OP is about a child in the autistic spectrum.

Yeah, I figured as much when she kept using the word "autistic".

 

[vespasia]

So that must be why I have an eCRB clearance , am responsible for Children's ministry and work with parents at the end of their tether for church with the most challenging children and young adults in a priority area.