What To Do When YOU Are The Problem?

[Bruce S]

I can't win.

First, let me state, clearly and for the record, that I have messed up badly. My actions have harmed my relationship to the point where I think I can not retrieve things.

For the past two years, one thing after another from my earlier life have come back to haunt me. I have been arrested, jailed for a few days, humiliated over a mistake I made. Now on probation for that. We have had to file for bankruptcy over a failed business, and the legal expenses of a lawsuit for slander and libel on the net have consumed our lifes savings.

Over the past year, I have become a real Christian, in word and mostly deed. I have tried, honestly, to be loving, kind and open with my wife Linda. I have hugged her, kissed her, told her how very very sorry I am for the burdens and strife my past actions have caused us, the family.

But she will NOT forgive me, I have to listen day and night to my failures what I did and such.

Sex is out, nothing now for two years. I just try to hide from her frankly, it is easier on me that way.

She LOVES hanging onto the past, revels in it. I knew this before our troubles started, she never forgave her first husband for his philandering, even though he is DEAD now for 10 years, he still irks her.

My question really is, when is forgiveness warranted, if ever? Does a marriage where one partner failed mean that there never can be a future.

She is not the gem she thinks she is, sure, she is a good wife, but her shopping is completly out of control, always has been, QVC the home shopping thing is on morning noon and night, when she is home. We are in bankrupcy, and she is spending a thousand dollars a month on QVC, not to mention the stores. We need NONE of the stuff she is buying, but she said she needs to "reward herself" for all the troubles.

There is more, but I don't want to start a "she did" thread.

I just want to know, has anyone been here before, when YOU were the cause of the problems and were trying to make things well again?

 

[molly]

Hi Bruce, I just wanted to say that I was in an unforgiving situation, still am in a way, not on my part, but his, (long story) anyway, God showed me that I needed to forgive this guy, and I asurley didn't want to, but eventually I did, what a weight lifted off my shoulders. In your case, yes you might have messed up but stop beating yourself up over it, Jesus has already forgiven you ,you need to forgive yourself. Your wife, if a christian will be dealt with by God, so you just need to pray for her,and your marriage. I can;t really help more because I don't really know the whole situation, but you didn't get where you are overnight, all you can do now is pray God leads you out of it,marriage intact or not. I will keep you in my prayers....................Molly

 

[chriso]

Will your wife sit down and talk to you about all this, and how it is hurting you? Maybe she is just seeing it from her point of view. Try to talk to her and keep the communication going. In difficult times couples need to bond together instead of come appart at the seams. Tell her how much you love her and need her support now. God Bless You and I will be praying for you.

Chris

 

[beagleracing]

It doesn't sound like you are the problem. You can do anything/everything you want and be whatever you want to be thanks to the promise in Phil 4:13.

It sounds like all of your past deeds were done before you were saved and became a Christian. As a Christian, you have recognized and confessed your sins and because of such you ARE ALREADY forgiven by God even though the result of your actions are still weighing against you. That is minor, in reality.

What is MAJOR in reality is your wife. She is the one who appears to have issues. It is not her place to forgive, but to accept you for who you are. As a Christian who is married to her, you two are bound as one. She must be taught about God, forgiveness and wiping the dust from her feet. The past is the past which cannot be turned, but can be learned.

Once she accepts you for who you are and were, all will be ok, but she needs to find God herself with your help as her husband so she can understand the differences between mankind and the spirit of God.

It is NOT impossible to achieve, again based on Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

it doesn't say "all, except for unforgiving wives"

But again, it must be through Christ.

In Christ,

dp

 

[Bruce S]

Will your wife sit down and talk to you about all this, and how it is hurting you? Maybe she is just seeing it from her point of view. Try to talk to her and keep the communication going. In difficult times couples need to bond together instead of come appart at the seams. Tell her how much you love her and need her support now. God Bless You and I will be praying for you.

Chris

I *try* honestly, try to put things right ... but she IMMEDIATELY fires up the old resentment machine. I guess if things were over now, I might have a chance, many things have been sort of resolved, but the legal things are looming, and this has been ongoing for over two years now.

She is playing the total victim, sure she IS a victim, I know that, but I cannot change any of this stuff that has happened, IS happening. The ONLY thing I really can change is the here and now, my actions to her. And that isn't happening.

When we attempt to talk, she berates me, rightly, for the problems. I cannont change those now....argh, I wish I could, but I cannot.

So, the way I cope is hide. I'm NOT a wallflower, so hiding, and walking all the time on eggshells is not easy for me, I want to seize the situation, and sort of demand she either forgive, or get. But I honestly do not want a divorce, I want to have things right, and have a loving wife.

Prayer is all I do anymore, morning noon and night. But it honestly seems to me now that God is silent, He is mad at me too I guess.

I will watch this thread and TRY to be of some use.

Thank you all.

 

[momluvsjesus]

God bless you! It sounds like you haven't forgiven yourself yet. Yes, God has forgiven you but have you forgiven you? When you've truly forgiven yourself and you have a true understanding that all of your past sins have been washed away by the Blood of Jesus, than no one (not even wifey) can throw them in your face and cause you to feel guilt or hurt.
There comes a time when I think you have to stop apologizing for past mistakes. I've learned this in my own marriage.
You just have to remember who you are in Christ, and that "old things have become new." You are a new creature, and no one has the authority to belittle you or tell you otherwise. Maybe instead of just letting her punish you, you should start saying to her that you aren't the person you used to be. Just be honest with her about how her actions are effecting you.
It's wonderful that you're not considering divorce. That's a step in the right direction. You obviously love your wife and want your marriage to be rebuilt, and that starts with allowing God to rebuild you, as a man, and as the head of your household. Maybe you should try talking to some other men about this, in the men's forum.
Congratulations on your new life in Christ, and I KNOW things will get better for you and your wife.

 

[Bruce S]

God bless you! It sounds like you haven't forgiven yourself yet. Yes, God has forgiven you but have you forgiven you? When you've truly forgiven yourself and you have a true understanding that all of your past sins have been washed away by the Blood of Jesus, than no one (not even wifey) can throw them in your face and cause you to feel guilt or hurt.

How CAN I "forgive myself" when I truly honestly CAUSED all of this, I know God may [I don't for one second think He has quite yet - still think he is gonna make me suffer some more] but the world isn't going to. I guess I really, honestly [at one point] thought that if you turned to the Lord, confessed sins, sought forgiveness, then some of the stuff would start to turn around. Some has, VERY LITTLE has, frankly, and for every one thing that *seems* to be improving, more comes my way.

My wife CAN and DOES "throw them in my face" daily, she isn't the Lord, and she doesn't forget. She is still mad at her father, dead for 15 years now, for things done to her [verbal and emotional abuse] as a child, and this is despite having had professional help on this years ago.

There comes a time when I think you have to stop apologizing for past mistakes. I've learned this in my own marriage.

I guess this is what prompted my OP thread. Finally, after two years, of treding on thin ice, I got tired of it all, I confronted her the other night, told her basically that I could NOT do more than I've done, I cannot undue the past, I cannot change the circumstances of the present either right now. I just have had it frankly. I do not, do not, want a divorce. If I were NOT a Christian, and trying to follow the dictates of a marriage, I would be heading that way now, voluntarily. I have a 12 year old son, so do not want to do that to him, he is a good son, a real Godsend frankly.

Do you know how it feels to hug a woman every morning [we have been sleeping in seperate rooms for two years now] kiss her, and have the ice there, NO emotion back, just none.....almost ready to cry now, that HURTS ...

You just have to remember who you are in Christ, and that "old things have become new." You are a new creature, and no one has the authority to belittle you or tell you otherwise. Maybe instead of just letting her punish you, you should start saying to her that you aren't the person you used to be. Just be honest with her about how her actions are effecting you.

Frankly, in a perverse sort of way, I think she is ENJOYING my problems, it gives her the upper hand, something she has never had with men in her life before this one, it allows HER to trounce around, as "the Victim" and everyone feels sorry for her. [Except my family, who, belatedly, have come to understand the mess I'm in with the wife].

It's wonderful that you're not considering divorce. That's a step in the right direction. You obviously love your wife and want your marriage to be rebuilt, and that starts with allowing God to rebuild you, as a man, and as the head of your household. Maybe you should try talking to some other men about this, in the men's forum.

Congratulations on your new life in Christ, and I KNOW things will get better for you and your wife.

There is SO much wrong, in so many areas now, ,that I just drag everyone down, and don't want to share ALL of this, the finances, business, legal, etc with anyone totally, everyone knows this or that, very few know all.

I HATE HATE HATE being this way, loath it, fully condemn it.

 

[mollyj]

My husband says exactly the same things. He even uses the word "berate". He says that I live in the past and He says that nothing he does is enough for me and that I put him down all the time. I honestly don't feel like I do that. In fact, sometimes I give him compliments or say thank you for doing this or that. I try to only bring up the past when it is really relevant to our discussion, like he says "when have i ever done this or that?" or when the present situation seems the same as the past and i am scared and need reassurance that he is not repeating. I really need the ressurance because if you know my story, then you know we have been through A LOT. Anyway, from the wife's perspective let me say that I would appreciate seeing evidence of change AND hearing on a regular basis (until I really believe) that things will be different. I would also like it if he heard me once in awhile when I give him the compliment so he doesn't ALWAYS think I am putting him down. It hurts my feelings when he calls me negative or says I demean him. I don't want to do that and I really try not to. For my husband I think his self esteem is so low that it is hard to see himself as worthy and therefore ignores the good that is said about him. He also feels so bad that he will give up and actually go and do the thing that hurts us and then doesn't understand why I get upset. You sound much more open to change than my husband and you sound more mature than he does. But my husband tells people that he has changed and that I am now the problem. I'm not accusing you of doing what he does. But do be aware if your wife responds similar to me that maybe it is a communication issue more than her intentionally berating you... Just a thot.

 

[beagleracing]

first things first, God is NOT mad at you, He is a forgiving God and you are a confessed believer.

second, I'd ask her why it is that she won't forgive you. What is her reasoning? If God can, what gives her the right or reasoning not to?

dp

 

[E-beth]

It sounds like your wife is choosing to stay in the past because by blaming you for the everything that has happened, she doesn't have to take any responsibility for anything she does that hurts the marriage and your financial situation. She doesn't have to feel guilty about QVC because she knows she has "dirt" on you.

I am thinking about your little boy, though. I wonder what basis of comparison he is forming about relationships by listening to Mom berate Dad all the time. Will he learn how to develop a loving and respectful relationship with women, or will he look for women who will beat him up with her tongue and would rather spit at him than kiss him?

I am praying for you, and I sense that you are indeed trying to make amends and that you want to please God. Her forgiveness is up to her. She has to let go of her hard heart and has to rise up to meet you to work out the problems together if the marriage will work out. All you can do is your best.

 

[search1ng]

I speak with the experience of a wife who has been unable to forgive her husband, who replayed past situations over and over and still sometimes stews in her troubles and enjoys it. Well, I don't actually enjoy it, but I keep doing it anyways.

Does your wife have a personal relationship with Jesus? I strongly, strongly recommend the book "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall. It was a marriage saver for my husband and I. Ask your wife if she'd like to read it, put it on the coffee table or by her bed. I think if you can get a positive influence into her mind, then she will be able to think more clearly and be able to forgive. Maybe invite a Christian couple over for supper, or go to a Bible study together. If she's completely unwilling (and even if she isn't) -- pray your guts out. Get the book "The Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian. My husband's prayers are one of (or maybe the only) reasons that we're still working things through instead of despising each other.

My heart goes out to you. You are not the bad guy or the problem here. If you confessed your sins to God and changed your ways, then you are forgiven and free from condemnation. You can submit to God your wife's unforgiveness and pray for her to be released from it. You have authority over the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19) and your prayers will cause Satan's plans to crumble.

Hang in there!

 

[search1ng]

I found a book that way be of help to you. Here's the link so you can check it out for yourself:

http://www.family.org/resources/itempg.cfm?itemid=2999