What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

mama2one · May 30, 2018

didn't mean for my previous post to sound insensitive and apologize if it did

@CodySmith
is it possible because you both married only because of the pregnancy
that this has led to where you are today?

tall73 · May 30, 2018

Tropical Wilds said:
Hold up... Was I the only one who saw that their child died? When I hear that, I wonder if the lack of attraction has less to do with her and waaaaaaay more to do with depression, especially if it happened recently.

Yes, that was referenced by multiple posters. It was apparently two years ago, and they were concerned if depression and mourning were related.

He indicates it is not related, but certainly that is a big factor in the overall relationship and in regards to their patterns. He has not elaborated what counseling occurred that I know of. People can certainly struggle for years after such a loss.

Dave-W · May 30, 2018

tall73 said:
He indicates it is not related, but certainly that is a big factor in the overall relationship and in regards to their patterns.

No one is in a proper position to self-diagnose that.

Tropical Wilds · May 30, 2018

Yeah, depression over losing a child is one of those things one never quite gets over. Only two years post loss, it would seem like there’s a really high chance that would be a big driving force.

tall73 · May 30, 2018

Dave-W said:
No one is in a proper position to self-diagnose that.

I would agree. Nor can they self diagnose testosterone.

CodySmith · May 30, 2018

combined below... please delete.

CodySmith · May 30, 2018

combined below... please delete.

CodySmith · May 30, 2018

tall73 said:
Thank you, so she is basically just barely qualifying as obese.

So I am guessing this is more related to just attraction than strictly physical impediments to sex for her or you?

yes.

tall73 said:
You indicated she is working on the weight, and you have prayed about it as well.

This is not a blame question, just trying to get at the issue. Do you feel resentment, that she is trying, but not doing everything she can? Or do you feel she is legitimately doing what she can?

Were the surgeries weight related, or just made weight gain more likely (limiting mobility, etc.).

They were aimed at making her 'more' mobile. Removing a PCOS ovary etc. Now she has uterlus lining problems, thyroid, etc etc. The works. I don't mind God testing me, or anything about me. This is all about her really. I want her to have what she wants, but I can't do it if I can't do it.

Again, there are many worldly solutions for this... divorce, pornography.... none of which I care to employ. What would a child of God do?

tall73 said:
Manual stimulation can be pleasurable for her, and puts no pressure on you. And if she starts to get excited sometimes that can trigger arousal in you as well.

This is what has been happening... and although she can be satisfied somewhat this way... its not what she wants.

christine40 said:
is it possible because you both married only because of the pregnancy that this has led to where you are today?

As stated... I thought it was the right thing to do... So yes it played a large part in the actual marriage. We are compatible in most other aspects though too. So made sense. Just not sexual sense - which I didn't really have that on the mind anyway. The only reason I ever told myself I would get married is if I had a child.

tall73 · May 30, 2018

Have you had an appointment with a doctor to test your hormone levels, etc.?

Are you showing signs of depression generally?

Did you get counseling following the loss?

CodySmith · May 30, 2018

tall73 said:
Have you had an appointment with a doctor to test your hormone levels, etc.?

Are you showing signs of depression generally?

Did you get counseling following the loss?

yes - they said T was fine. I could look up the actual numbers.
no - i am happy with myself generally except for this.
yes - worldly counseling. they ended up saying most people in our situation would get a divorce. i told them i know.

Mountainmanbob · May 30, 2018

CodySmith said:
things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

Go to your doctor and see if you are physically fit enough to take the little blue pill and then when it gets you all worked up give the little lady some sweet things.

M-Bob

gym_class_hero · May 30, 2018

find a Christian counselor.

Tropical Wilds · May 30, 2018

Are you even wanting to be attracted to her sexually again for reasons other than feeling you’re obligated to?

CodySmith · May 30, 2018

Tropical Wilds said:
Are you even wanting to be attracted to her sexually again for reasons other than feeling you’re obligated to?

Most definitely yes.

mama2one · May 31, 2018

CodySmith said:
yes - worldly counseling. they ended up saying most people in our situation would get a divorce. i told them i know.

that wasn't helpful; you're not most people
agree with gymclasshero to find a Christian counselor

is she willing to go to counseling, also?

CodySmith · May 31, 2018

Mountainmanbob said:
Go to your doctor and see if you are physically fit enough to take the little blue pill and then when it gets you all worked up give the little lady some sweet things.

M-Bob

If the Lord will not bless our marriage then I imagine He would prefer man-made fixes over divorce. But do these drugs you speak of overcome unattraction? Do you not have to be at least a 'little' aroused?

Mountainmanbob · May 31, 2018

CodySmith said:
Do you not have to be at least a 'little' aroused?

Yes, I think that is very important with (most) of these cases.
At least a little desire to start the fire.
If that "Thing" gets hard as a rock? -- we usually want to take care of business?
With most men they work Very Well -- but -- for some reason some seem to have lost all interest?

I have found that most of these sexual desires are set when one is young.
One either really, really liked it when they were young -- or could live without it -- low drive..
M-Bob

Mountainmanbob · May 31, 2018

He was active in his youth.

One old guy lost his memory.
But, when he saw a pretty Lady walk by he said to his caretaker.
I don't remember much about those but, I sure would like to have one.
MB

gym_class_hero · May 31, 2018

again, find a Christian counselor. Married sex peaks when you are in tune spiritually with your wife. It can work. (as a farmer driving into his field discovered after the Mrs and I left an appointment years ago)…..

tall73 · May 31, 2018

CodySmith said:
I don't mind God testing me, or anything about me. This is all about her really. I want her to have what she wants, but I can't do it if I can't do it.

Do you feel resentment over the weight?

Do you feel resentment that you are in this relationship?

Do you feel resentment at God for not fixing the situation?

What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

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