what to do/say when your husband...

[janny108]

...does not initiate anything, doesn't like to go out, have anyone over, get together or go to church. He does chores on Sat while I work (which I greatly appreciate). He;s trying to quit smoking esp since he was in ICU in Aug and we need to watch our budget. Cigs are so expensive! He sits in his man cave listens to the radio, smokes and drinks. Advice?

 

[LaSorcia]

It can be so tough to motivate someone lacking initiative. Have you tried encouragement and prayer? Praying for you both!

 

[1watchman]

...does not initiate anything, doesn't like to go out, have anyone over, get together or go to church. He does chores on Sat while I work (which I greatly appreciate). He;s trying to quit smoking esp since he was in ICU in Aug and we need to watch our budget. Cigs are so expensive! He sits in his man cave listens to the radio, smokes and drinks. Advice?

Perhaps all anyone can do for you is to pray, and I will; however, there are some things to consider ---how long you have been married, and how long this condition has continued. If he has not responded to some strong hints that this is greatly hurting your home life, you might then add more emphasis at a little later time by telling him that if all you are to him is a servant, and you cannot discuss various things, go do things together and be sociable and make friends at some events, that this marriage will be no good. See if that awakens him. After some time if he does not begin to respond in a reasonable way, you might get his attention if you speak of going out alone and meeting other people who will be friends. By then you will see what his interests really are, then you may have to decide to just live with it as is or think about separating (not divorce). This is just one way you can be pro-active to stir him up. Hopefully he will value his marriage and seek to be the husband you hoped for in the beginning.

 

[janny108]

It can be so tough to motivate someone lacking initiative. Have you tried encouragement and prayer? Praying for you both!

yes I have prayed and tried to encourage him

 

[janny108]

Perhaps all anyone can do for you is to pray, and I will; however, there are some things to consider ---how long you have been married, and how long this condition has continued. If he has not responded to some strong hints that this is greatly hurting your home life, you might then add more emphasis at a little later time by telling him that if all you are to him is a servant, and you cannot discuss various things, go do things together and be sociable and make friends at some events, that this marriage will be no good. See if that awakens him. After some time if he does not begin to respond in a reasonable way, you might get his attention if you speak of going out alone and meeting other people who will be friends. By then you will see what his interests really are, then you may have to decide to just live with it as is or think about separating (not divorce). This is just one way you can be pro-active to stir him up. Hopefully he will value his marriage and seek to be the husband you hoped for in the beginning.

we've been married for 36 years, this has been going on for awhile. He did go to church with me Sun and I did not ask him. I don't have real steady work right now He wants to do those things that interest him. I've been doing things alone for years now

 

[RAD]

Janny Maybe i can help you. Your husband is "me". I have been married for 26 years to the love of my life. However we have had the same problem through out our marriage. She is an outgoing person whereas I am not so. Men tend to fall into comfort zones and as long as things seem to be going OK they tend to stay in those zones. I would come home from work exhausted and the last thing that I wanted to do is go out and do things. She liked to watch TV & I liked computer. So we would be in separate rooms a lot. I became mr boring. Men do not take hints very well at all. Looking back I was given plenty of them. I allowed us to become "roommates". She loves church & although I was a christian I was just not into the church scene. I was devastated when she moved to her own apt. in july. My life fell apart right then & there. We are not talking divorce at this time, it has become a slow slow healing process. ( please feel free to read my posts on my situation)Through the Lord, I am trying to become the man that I need to be for her & my family, As I have discovered what IS important in my life to me. Him going to church with you is a positive step in the right direction. Showing that he is making an effort. I can advise you to do what I wish my wife had done for me. That is sit down & tell him that our marriage is in serious trouble and if real changes are not made it could very well end. This was not done for me. I was dropped hints & comments here & there but the rest of the time seemed OK at the time. I can almost promise you as you have been married even longer than I. He does not have the slightest idea that he could loose you. I didn't. Open his eyes, but at the same time give him a chance.

 

[third11]

Wow. Your honesty reached me. I have been married to a "you." A "roommate." I unfortunately have become
someone I don't want to be in the process because I have stayed. I said how our marriage is in serious trouble
three years ago, his reaction was to separate our finances, hide his extra activities and be with his
buddies. He blames all on me and accuses me of being mentally unstable constantly. I will follow up with your
posts. At this point, I am more afraid for what I have become.

 

[RAD]

It makes me feel a little better knowing that I am not the only man on this planet that has been like that. I am striving to make a positive, permanent change in myself. I look back and I am utterly ashamed of the man I was. I pray continuously for my wife & my family. And for all of you out there who are going through hard times.

 

[third11]

One day at a time.

Yesterday, I felt good.

Today, not so much.

I feel defeated today.

Maybe tomorrow I can feel better.

 

[third11]

It makes me feel a little better knowing that I am not the only man on this planet that has been like that. I am striving to make a positive, permanent change in myself. I look back and I am utterly ashamed of the man I was. I pray continuously for my wife & my family. And for all of you out there who are going through hard times.

(just having a bad day today)
but, thank you!

 

[third11]

Rad,
I will say added prayers for you and your wife this day.
It's good to hear you are relying on God to get you through.
Be well,
t11

 

[third11]

we've been married for 36 years, this has been going on for awhile. He did go to church with me Sun and I did not ask him. I don't have real steady work right now He wants to do those things that interest him. I've been doing things alone for years now

I feel like you.
Prayers,
t11