What to do? ( Long )

[Vasichko]

Ok so I have been dating this girl for 3 years. We have had some bumps in the road along the way.

Well when we started dating I did not go to church or really worry about my faith. She is very devout and conservative and I now enjoy going to church with her.

I have had premartial sex in my previous relationships and she is not into that. I knew this when dating her, it doesnt matter to me, I love her so we dont mess around or anything. I used to sleep over on her couch and one day she said she didnt like that so now I go home even when I am dead tired.

Anyways, about 5 months ago she dumped me and said she needed to figure things out and to see if she could marry me. I gave her the space, she wanted to be together again.

I am her first long relationship, her previous was only 6 months and other guys dumped her because of the no sex rule.

Well, now she is saying she needs time again, but wants to stay together. She says Im the nicest guy, respectful, she loves how I do things for her, ect. The only issue is that I am not as devout as she is. She says I need to be a leader and get involved and teach CCD like she does. Unfortunately, I dont see myself doing this, but I would be happy to help her out with her class. When she talks about us and being married she asks questions which I have no answers to.

I am the type of person that tries things to see if I like it or not.

Her parents are very religious and mine are not. Her parents do not get along but mine do. She always seems to focus on our childhood as they are different and seems to focus on our differences rather than the good things and how we get along very well almost all of the time.

What should I do? Should I just call it quits and come to the realization that she is selfish and is playing games?

 

[miss_klara]

I wouldn't call it quits, but, as others have said in other threads, a break is not healthy.
She can't force anything into your heart, like a more devout faith or anything. That's gotta come from you, and it sounds like she's using the break to say "go away, change for me and then things will be perfect." She probably believes that, out of a good heart, but you know it's not going to work that way.
You need to speak to her. I personally believe that the male should be the spiritual leader in the relationship, although for me it's not a deal breaker. If it is a deal breaker for her, you need to be realistic with her if you don't see it happening. It's completely fair for her to desire her man to be a spiritual leader, however, she hasn't yet learned that no woman is ever going to change a man Rather than agree to this break again, like last time, sit her down and speak your heart to her. You guys might be able to find a compromise, or you might not. But a break is only going to avoid the issue, and it sounds like a biggie. Breaks never fix things.

 

[Vasichko]

Well the thing is when does it end with her not knowing? She doesnt know if that she is with someone that is just as devout as her if she is happy. So the whole time I get to sit here and feel bad.

 

[bliz]

She is saying what she has been told to say. The version of husband ans leader and teacher in the church has been presented to her as the one and only model for a husband, probably by church and parents. It is not, of course, the only model for healthy Christian marriage out there.

She has probably also been warned off of you because of your non-Christian upbringing which, of course, makes one wonder if they really believe that all of us are new creatures in Christ, born again.

Give her time to think - all the time in the world, but don't wait around while she does. You deserve to marry a woman who is head over heels in love with you, not someone who is carefully seeing if you will get someone else's begrudging approval.

 

[Vasichko]

She is saying what she has been told to say. The version of husband ans leader and teacher in the church has been presented to her as the one and only model for a husband, probably by church and parents. It is not, of course, the only model for healthy Christian marriage out there.

She has probably also been warned off of you because of your non-Christian upbringing which, of course, makes one wonder if they really believe that all of us are new creatures in Christ, born again.

Give her time to think - all the time in the world, but don't wait around while she does. You deserve to marry a woman who is head over heels in love with you, not someone who is carefully seeing if you will get someone else's begrudging approval.

Well I am not innocent in this. Sure I have gotten angry and said things that I regret. I truely do feel bad about saying those things and I did tell her how I felt bad and hope she accepts my appology.

The thing is that I have my flaws, she is quick to point them out, but I have been told I am a great boyfriend and treat her right.

Yet, I am not a strong man because I do not have the knowledge that she has built up over the years about being a Christian and I would need help with this. Yet this is unacceptable.

Yet I feel that if God were looking at it, he would think it would be ok, and admire that I am man enough to ask for help and admit that I need it.

 

[Vasichko]

Well after talking to her and finding somethings online she really took what I was saying out of context. She took it as I was looking at sitting back and letting her do all the work as far as learning about our faith. I was trying to explain that if I was misinformed or she had a better explanation I expect her to fill me in and assist me.

So as of right now her jumping to conclusions is what caused the problem and misinterpretation of what I was saying from the start.

 

[Weasel7711]

From the looks of it she is looking for a man who is in love with God and wants to seek his will and serve Him, and from what you say you aren't that man. You prefer to live life with a more laid back attitude and she wants a man who is "into God" (if you will) or more involved in Christianity. Not judging whether that is good or bad, but thats what I see. Unless she becomes more laid back or you more involved, I don't see a good marriage in the future.

 

[peanutbutter12]

Weasel has it right on. She wants a "Jesus Freak" (forgive the clich'e) who has ambition in the same areas of faith that she does. Obviously it's not your thing, and though you've said you would help her, that won't be good enough because you don't have a genuine ambition to get involved. There is nothing wrong with that, each person has their own ambitions and interests.

Also by what you say, it doesn't seem like she's ready to be in a relationship if she can't rationally discuss the issues you both are going through. If she's jumping to conclusions with something like this, imagine how things will be if you both become more serious and she becomes a part of your daily life. There is a huge difference between dating and being engaged or married.