What to do about my stepson....

[Katydid]

My 8 yr. old stepson has a very strange past. He has lived with us most of his life, though it has been split up time. We just gained primary physical custody and are trying to deal with the abuse from his past. When he first came to live with us this time, he had a habit of using physical force to get his brother to do what he wanted him to do. He has been known to choke him. His brother is 3.5 and a delayed child. Now, we thought we had gotten him out of the habit of choking his brother and thought our next challenge would be his bossing his brother around. Well, yesterday, the younger came up crying that the older had choked him. Now he has seen his brother get in trouble for this, and the older swore that he hadn't done it this time and that the younger was just trying to get him in trouble. The younger didn't have any marks so I believed the older, as it has been almost 5 months since the last incident. Well, today, younger comes up, once again crying. At first I was reluctant to believe younger until I saw that today there was a handprint around his throat. I asked older, "did you choke him" older denied this until I showed him that his handprint matched the one on younger's neck. Even then, I had to ask a few times and say, "when you are faced with evidence that PROVES you are lying, it is usually a good time to just confess". Older confessed and said that he had done it yesterday too. When I asked him why he did this he said, "he wouldn't give me the lego block I wanted". I asked him if he thought that this was a normal reaction to not getting what he wanted, and he said, "I don't know". So here is where we stand now. Older has no toys, stuffed animals, nothing except his bed, a pillow, and a blanket. Tomorrow, he will spend doing his school work at the table instead of in the homeschool room with the other two children, and doing chores. He is not allowed to watch television, play video games, play with toys, or spend any time with his siblings. We plan to do this for 1 week, or actually until Thurs. when we are going on a road trip. I told him that if we don't have any problems with him for 1 week, then he will get 1 toy back and this will continue, though the chores will lessen with each passing week. Anyway, I am rambling on about this and I do have a question. Does anyone know how to deal with this kind of behavior? Can anyone help me figure out how to trust him with my other two children? He said that he just can't think about what the consequences are when he gets mad, but I proved that he can. I simply asked him, "if you CAN'T control yourself, then why haven't you ever hit Daddy". His answer, "Because he is bigger". So I said to him and explained it until he understood what I was saying, "Basically, you are saying that the benefit of hitting Daddy isn't worth the consequences, so you don't do it. But, the benefit of hitting or choking Justin IS worth the possible consequences if you are caught, right?" He said it was. So, I told him that we better find some consequence that ISN'T worth the immediate benefit. I just don't know what else to do. I love him, but he is just getting sneakier, not better. HELP!! Any suggestions are more than welcome.

 

[erin74]

Katydid - I really wish I had some advice for you. I will pray for you for wisdom in dealing with this situation, and for even more patience, although it seems you have that in bucketloads! I think you are doing a great job, but can see that this is a real doozy of a problem.

Erin

 

[suzybeezy]

You may or may not realize that it is an attention seeking behavior. The child's rationale may be that I will seek out bad attention because it's better than no attention at all (this may have been developed in him from his past). The only way to really deal with this is start reinforcing him with positive attention. Find something, anything, to praise him for. Encourage any small thing he does well. He will start finding delight in doing well. He may not know how to gauge his behavior and doesn't care about your consequences. The fact that you took privileges away and gave him chores, may not affect him. He may ration he's better off than he just was. Still good to him. And if he's learned that in order to get what he wants, he needs to behave this way, you will need to demonstrate an alternative ways to get what he wants. Just talking to him may not be enough. His mind just may not understand what you think is easy to understand.

I would strongly, strongly suggest getting him into therapy. There are some great children's psychologist. I know they even have some that will work with the family as a unit. It's hard to have a child with behavioral problems in the home. There's probably alot going through that kids head. But I would not trust him alone with your other two kids until he gets some of his troubles worked out.

And I do speak from experience. I know how you feel. I have a daughter (12) with some behavioral rebellious issues and I have two children with special needs. I truly feel my daughters issues are more challenging.

 

[Melbelle]

Sounds to me he needs so medical help, he sounds like if he doesn't get it he may be the type to grow up and hit his wife because she is smaller then him and he feels the power. I think getting him a psychartres would be a start, he needs more help then you and your husband can give him, pretty soon just taking his toys away and tv away he is just gonna get use to that and it want even faze him. I maybe wrong but that would just scare me. He sounds like he has alot of hate built up inside and he needs to get it released before he blows up and really goes off, I have 2 friends who grew up and they was like this, one of them brought a Gun to school and treated the teacher with it, the other was just out of controll teenager. Not saying that will happen but I would rather be safe then sorry. I may be so wrong so please don't think I'm just being cruel I'm not honestly I'm not.

 

[Katydid]

You may or may not realize that it is an attention seeking behavior. The child's rationale may be that I will seek out bad attention because it's better than no attention at all (this may have been developed in him from his past). The only way to really deal with this is start reinforcing him with positive attention. Find something, anything, to praise him for. Encourage any small thing he does well. He will start finding delight in doing well. He may not know how to gauge his behavior and doesn't care about your consequences. The fact that you took privileges away and gave him chores, may not affect him. He may ration he's better off than he just was. Still good to him. And if he's learned that in order to get what he wants, he needs to behave this way, you will need to demonstrate an alternative ways to get what he wants. Just talking to him may not be enough. His mind just may not understand what you think is easy to understand.

Well, we have been in counseling for years. But, we moved to Germany, and not having full custody, we were unable to bring him. After 1 year, his mother called up and said she would sign over custody if we would take him. Basically, when we first got him, in the states, he was 3. He had a rage disorder, and he was showing the pre-signs to a multiple personality. After 1.5 years of living with us and going to therapy, he was basically a normal 4 yr. old boy. Then our youngest was born, and he regressed. We reinforced what we had started with and when his mother regained custody, he was a normal child again. Now, it has been a year since he came here. We were back to the same old problems plus some new ones. We have been working with him this whole year and this seems to be a cycle of his acting out. He actually does not do this for attention, he just doesn't control himself and we are struggling with ways to teach him to control himself. He even says that he wants to learn to control himself. I homeschool, so I really know how to speak to his level. We discussed again today what happened yesterday and he understands that he overreacted. He also understands that we are teaching him with this discipline, not punishing him or being mean. I don't want to go through all the counseling again, (I know this sounds horrible) but, I don't want to spend hours upon hours hearing the same things that I have already heard and implemented for years. I guess I just needed to vent, because as usual, he has repented. And, yes, for him, he truly repented. He just needs to learn a little impulse control.


Thank you all for responding, I do appreciate it. I just think this is one more challenge that we have to face. I just pray that I have the patience to go through all of this again.

 

[suzybeezy]

I will remember you in my prayers. I know the pressure sometimes can feel overwhelming and venting is good. I pray that God gives you the wisdom and direction in how to handle this situation. God bless you and your family.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

Sounds to me like ya'll've done everthin but throw the kitchen sink at em an I think your right on the makr wit everthin your doin, there's jes one other thin I'd add to what your doin. You made a very good point wit em when you asked em why he didn't hit dad, cause he was bigger.... well you've got a real nice opportunity to exapnd on this lesson.... not only is dad bigger, dad also protects his young.... an not jes th older boy here. I think if you put the fear of Daddy into em er even yoursef, same point, it may hep. If older smacks younger then big daddy or yoursef come in a disicpline accordinly.... but with phyiscal contact to his gluteus maximus. I think if'n you let em know that the consquences for attackin his youngers is far more important then it used to be. I think ya'll are right on the mark wit everthin you've done this far, but this is one I'd start after as well.

Like one poster said bout he may grow up to beat his wife etc. cause she's smaller, well make sure he knows if he'd ever think bout sumthin like that he'd have his daddy to answer to. My pa wouldn't stand fur that an if'n he caught wind of us doin sumthin like that, we answered to him, an boy howdy could he get his point across.... back then on our butts, older toe to toe.

I do think there comes a point where th laws gotta be laid down an ya'll are the ones that gotta do it. Because if'n it's like what was said that he doesn't much care bout the consquences, then you've gotta come up wit some that he's gonna wake up to.

I'm sorry to all the folks this is gonna hack off, but when it comes to folks havin 'problems, issues, disorders, etc.' I really have a hard time buyin it... if'n a body listens long enough to a doc er jes th tv we all have some frickin disorder er the like. That's not to say that folks don't have problems, I jes think folks are to willin to use a disorder as an excuse, an then they seem to feel limited bout what they can do.

Like I says, I think ya'll are on the right track and at least wit older goin after youngers.... man I can jes member when we did sumthin like that.... we sure as heck didn't do it again... least not for a good long while

 

[chrislife]

I wouldn't necessarily encourage corporal punishment for a child whose behavior is a response to past abuse.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, including the rescinding of privileges; these are the same things people I know have been told to do by therapists who deal with extreme behavioral disorders. The one thing I'd add is that there must also be an *immediate* consequence, so that he has something he comes to associate automatically with the wrong behavior. A very long time out might work. I would also give the younger child the benefit of a doubt, because the older child has established a history both of choking and of lying about it.

If you think the behavior is attention-seeking, as a previous poster suggested, I'd recommend going out of your way to find positive behaviors, even tiny ones, that you can praise at times when he isn't in any trouble.

 

[22smsbears]

Ok so after reading all of the posts here this is what i think about the matter...

1. You did the absolute right thing by taking away all of his stuff...Now you need to work out a token econimics system..Were he can work to get back the things that he wants...Here is an example that I think might help...Make a chart and put on it one thing that you want him to do for that day...like do something nice for your brother...if he does it then he gets a star for that day...Then if he gets a star everyday for a week then he gets one thing back..It gets to be what he chooses that way he will try harder to get it....

2. He is regressing to the only behavior he knows because he thinks that if he does not then he will not get any attention anymore due to his little brother...So make sure to praise him EVERYTIME you see him do something positive...even if it is the smallest thing...shows copassion or does what he is supposed to...

3. Set aside time with just you and him or dad and him...It doesn't have to be anything fancy..just doing homework together or watching tv with no interuptions....

4. Everytime he does bad behavior makes sure that you do not JUST tell him what he did wrong also tell him what he did right...or what he should DO NEXT time....You have to give him the tools to do the right thing you can not just tell him what he did wrong and expect him to do the right thing....For instance you could say...The next time he won't give you something...Ask for it nicely first and offer another toy in exchange and if he still won't give it to you then come tell me...Even go as far to tell him HOW to ask nicely....(He may not know)

5. Make sure to not only give the attention when he is in trouble...which is pretty much what I am getting at from the paragraphs before....Also...I would suggest that hitting is totally out of the question...You have enough other options that hitting is just NOT nessasary....

6. I know that you have said that you do not think it is an attention seeking behavior...So, in that case I would recommend GIVING him some control over his life....Allow him to make up what he will have to do for the day to earn that star I was talking about...And if he doesn't get the star for the day you can ask him what he thinks the consequence should be....Also, you can let him control other aspects of his day...what he wears or let him pick out the apples at the grocery store...whatever it is ..doesn't really matter how big or small of a desicion it is...it will mean the WORLD to him that his opinion MATTERS

Well, I hope that this has been some help to you and I will keep you in my prayers

 

[Katydid]

Actually we are doing most those things, but thank you for reinforcing that we are doing the right things. I homeschool, so he gets LOTS of one on one attention with me and he is very smart and does very well. We were making very good progress with our system. He had earned back some priveledges and gotten a toy, but last night he lost it again. He went down to the schoolroom and put in a new movie without permission. He knows he can't do that. So last night I told him, he couldn't watch the movie with his brother and sister, since he was trying to watch it without them. So, while they are watching the movie, Gavin goes into Justin's room and dumps out shampoo, soap, cologne, lotion, etc. all over his room. So as of today, we are trying something I would NEVER normally consider. We are doing Tomato Staking. Oh my, this is so not our family, but I have come to a point where I have no choice. If you don't know what tomato staking is, you can google it. Basically, it means that he is next to me ALL DAY long. If I am on the computer, he is sitting by it, if I am washing dishes, he is in the kitchen (helping), etc etc. This doesn't fit with our family or philosophy on discipline, but I have come to the point that I have no choice.

 

[Ann M]

Do you eat fish much?

When we went thru a bad patch with my son, we had him assessed by a pediatrician, who said that he was borderline ADD and Aspergers, but he wouldn't diagnose him as such formally, because to do so would only lose him in the system. What he did do though, was to recommend this product

. It is a combination of fish oil and evening primrose oil. This is not an instant success formula, but rather it takes between 3 and 6 weeks to get results, and what you tend to end up with is a much calmer child, who tends to think things through alot better. When combined with lavender scented sheets, and bath products etc, it seems as though nature is 'giving a helping hand'. I know this worked for us, and it may or may not work for you.

 

[chrislife]

Basically, it means that he is next to me ALL DAY long. If I am on the computer, he is sitting by it, if I am washing dishes, he is in the kitchen (helping), etc etc. This doesn't fit with our family or philosophy on discipline, but I have come to the point that I have no choice.

Oh, gee. That sounds kind of rough on you. I'll send up a prayer for your sanity to hold out.

 

[Katydid]

OK well, I couldn't stand the tomato staking. It seemed too much like I was punishing myself and he was thoroughly enjoying having my attention like that. What I did do was planted his tushie at the dining room table except when I gave him specific tasks. I have found that he is doing better because I am having him do his schoolwork while his baby brother and sister are awake and during naptime we both do chores. He has been doing very good the past few days. Plus, we have discussed self control and what it means to be in control of your actions. We have agreed that I will just nicely inform him when I feel he is losing control. So far, all I have had to do is say "Gavin, why are you mad?" And he calms down. We were also watching Dr. Phil, he likes to watch that with me when it is appropriate, and Dr. Phil said something that really made him think. He said, "Anger is a sign of fear", that you only get angry when you feel like a victim and you are scared for some reason. That helped him because, as a boy, the last thing that he wants to appear to be is scared. Anyway, we are taking it a day at a time and we are staying very busy. He does better when he is very busy.