Hello
@Macchiato, there was a time when you didn't feel such anger towards God, a time when you were also able to trust Him and love Him too, yes? So, if it's not too personal and/or uncomfortable for you to talk about here, please tell us what happened to get you to this point with Him, and why you continue to harbor such negative feelings about Him.
One positive that I see above is the fact that you are still engaging with Him in spite of your apathy and the anger that your feel (by repenting of it). This is one of the things that you need to continue to do and perhaps learn to do
post haste going forward (to REFUSE those negative thoughts and take them "
captive", that is, and that from the very moment that you sense them entering your mind) so that they are not allowed to fester and become sin .. e.g.
2 Corinthians 10:5.
As far as "trusting" Him goes, or wondering if He really loves you, whenever I have trouble with things like that I try to remember all that He has done (and is continuing to do) for me by, first and foremost, going back to the foot of the Cross.
It also helps me to consider & meditate upon all of the great promises that He has made to us in the Bible, things like
John 3:16, 5:24, Romans 8:28, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Philippians 1:6, Hebrews 7:25......
Finally, begin to take time each day to look for things (even the smallest/simplest of things) throughout your day to
rejoice in and
thank Him for ..
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, because when you begin to do so you will also begin to see Him in a very different and far more positive light
Start by rejoicing in and thanking Him for things that make you feel happy or comforted in the moment, someone's smile or kind comment, the beauty of the day, a warm summer breeze on your face, those kind of things, as often as you can remember to do so.
Eventually, when you come to understand that He ALWAYS wants the very best for you and is also seeing to it that you get it .. e.g.
Romans 8:32 (even when it feels like the very opposite of that to you in the moment), you will be able to thank Him for the tough times too .. e.g.
Romans 8:28 and Hebrews 12:7-11.
As Charles Spurgeon once said, "
I've learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages"
Doing this (
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) is something that some have referred to as
practicing the presence of God in your life (or perhaps better,
practicing the increasing presence of God in your life) and it is certainly a wondrous thing to experience
Praying for you!
God bless you!!
--David
