What should I do?

[JesusAddicted]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THE GUY IF HE PUSHES YOU ARE MAKES YOU GO WITH HIM. IF HE IS THE RIGHT ONE HE WILL WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE COMFORTABLE.

I'M A GUY AND IF I FORCE SOMEONE IT IS TO GET MYSELF INTO HER PANTS. IF I WAIT FOREVER THEN IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE HER!

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

AND NEVER BE ALONE WITH THE GUY! IT IS POSSIBLE HE'S THE RIGHT ONE HOWEVER BEING ALONE IS A BAD IDEA.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

I'VE KNOWN MY FRIEND (A GIRL MY AGE) FOR YEARS NOW AND WE ARE STILL FRIENDS. I LOVE HER AND IT DOESN'T MATTER ABOUT THE SEX. IF GOD DECIDES ONE DAY WE ARE RIGHT TO HAVE KIDS AND A FAMILY TO SETTLE DOWN WITH FINE. HOWEVER IT IS ENOUGH TO JUST BE TOGETHER IN PUBLIC RIGHT NOW.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

I BECAME A CHRISTIAN 10 YEARS AGO YET I STILL DO BAD THINGS. SO IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. TRUST GOD IS WHAT YOU MUST ALWAYS TELL YOURSELF. PLEASE. I'VE KNOWN MY MOM FOR THE TIME I WAS BEFORE BIRTH AND I'M STILL HANGING OUT WITH MY MOM. GOD KNOWS THE TIME AND KNOWS ALL.

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

MY MOM MET MY FRIEND (THE GIRL MY AGE WHO I LOVE) YEARS AGO TOO. AND EVERYTIME MY FRIEND SEES ME MY MOM AND HER FAMILY ARE ALWAYS AROUND.

 

[Yennora]

Hello, I don't want to increase your guilt feelings, but your friend is right, you are not a nun to follow extra-commandments, you already have the Bible and its rules concerning relationships and life in general, why would you push more non-necessary rules on yourself? specially that you are non-denominational..

 

[Phronema]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

Hello JesusAddicted,

Welcome to CF, I hope you decide to hang around awhile

Firstly, I'd like to say that in my opinion as a newer Christian he may need it explained in more depth why it is that these restrictions are in place, and why kissing is likely a poor decision. Poor decision in short because it can cause us to lower our inhibitions in the heat of the moment, and then do something we'd likely regret at a later time. It's erring on the side of caution, and I agree with it having been a younger man a few years ago myself. Also, if he is making statements along the lines of "you want to get rid of me because you won't kiss me", again I think it either stems from a lack of understanding of fundamental Christian doctrine, or he may have ulterior motives. Beware of the ulterior motives. During my lifetime I've heard and seen people go to great lengths to fool others into a sense of belief and a false sense of security. I'm certainly not suggesting that he's a bad, evil, or devious individual, I'm only suggesting caution. If he seems genuine to you, it's likely a lack of understanding and knowledge on his part as he's so new to being a Christian. If it's explained to him, and he continues to persist then it seems ulterior motives are at play. Personally, instead of giving up on the no kissing idea, I'd urge you to reconsider for the reasons I've stated earlier. Please be cautious, as once the decision has been made, it can never be taken back.

As for the second portion, it's quite difficult. I'd caution against a lie by omission. As you've quite clearly not told a lie in regards to your relationship (until asked about it and then gave a deceptive answer), but it is in fact a lie by omission. So, in that regard, I'm not sure quite how to handle it in your situation, because there are so many variables in place. Current relationships with the ministry, past actions, the outlook of the individuals involved, etc. So tread quite carefully in the manner in which you handle it, though I realize that's not much help. Lastly, while they may be the "rules of the church", and not Gods' rules they are in fact good guidelines. My personal opinion on that statement, ("these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little"), from him is that it sounds self-motivated, and that I'll echo what I've stated above. Be cautious, because that statement in addition to the accusation of you not caring about him for not kissing him, seems like he may be attempting to guilt you into more. Please be careful, and think logically as much, and as often as possible. Once the decision is made it's final, and cannot be undone.

God Bless!

 

[Phronema]

Hello, I don't want to increase your guilt feelings, but your friend is right, you are not a nun to follow extra-commandments, you already have the Bible and its rules concerning relationships and life in general, why would you push more non-necessary rules on yourself? specially that you are non-denominational..

Micopero,

I think the issue here is intent

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

I was in Holy Name Catholic School when I was 14 years old. I met a sweetheart and went to her home. She was 13. We got lost in the moment. I lusted after her even at that young age. So be careful. Had it not been for her mom stepping in ...

 

[JoeP222w]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

If he really cares about and loves you, he will do everything he can to protect your heart. This means not pushing for intimate contact before you are married. You need to both agree to not be alone together, but meet in more public spaces. He needs to not enter your apartment or you enter into his. You are setting yourself up for temptation that you will eventually give into if you continue on the path you are on.

If he feels that you trying to set boundaries is trying to "get rid of him", his ego is far too fragile and insecure and you may very well need to stop seeing him until he figures out what he wants for you. If he is truly meant for you, you won't lose him. If he goes away, he never really was with you for the right reasons.

You will never regret waiting until marriage for intimacy. But you will regret it if you get sexually intimate before you are married, because premarital sex is disobedience to God and it goes against His perfect design.

Both of you need to talk with your Pastor. If you cannot be transparent to your Pastor (or Elders) for accountability, then you know you are doing something wrong.

 

[JoeP222w]

IF HE IS THE RIGHT ONE HE WILL WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE COMFORTABLE.

I hope you mean married, rather than "comfortable".

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

 

[Yennora]

Micopero,

I think the issue here is intent

Yes, I understand your point, i agree with your points on the previous reply too.. i was mentioning the "6 months" rule, as it is not logical to me, maybe their point of it is spiritual determination? As when he spends 6 months in the faith that means he is determined to remain in the faith? Not sure, but some people come to Christ wholeheartedly already, it wouldn't matter 1 month or 10 years...

 

[tienkhoanguyen]

I hope you mean married, rather than "comfortable".

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

I mean married for eternal life however I respect my friend's boundaries enough to agree friends forever thanks to Jesus Christ.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Recently I started to have a relationship with a guy who became christian a few months ago. We know each other more than a year. He agrees about not having sex before marriage, but the problem is that we have everything but sex: holding hands, hugs, kisses, staying alone together at one each other's apartment etc. Sometimes we really understand that we are going too far. I tried to say to him that it will be better without all this stuff, at least without kisses, but he thinks that I'm saying this just because I want to get rid of him. He's a very good guy and I really don't wanna lose him. So I gave up on asking this from him.

And one more problem: in our church we have very strict rules about dating (ex: you can't date someone who is saved less than 6 months, you can't stay together alone too late, no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands etc etc). I used to agree with all these, it wasn't too hard for me before, but now I started to think that it's too much. I'm also in the ministry, and I feel guilty because I'm not obeying the rules. Our pastor doesn't know that we are dating. We are planning to tell him after my boyfriend will have 6 months of being saved, but I still feel guilty, it seems like a lie. My boyfriend says that these are the rules of the church, not God's commandments from the Bible, so it's ok if we break them a little. I just don't know what to do(( I wanna stay faithful to God, but all these compromises are worrying me.

Please give me an advice.

It's OK to break the rules of your church ... if you want to. It's OK to go against your conscience too ... if it feels good. All those rules are ... too much for people in love.

NOT.

If you can't (won't) follow the rules of your church you should resign your ministry position and probably find another church where nobody cares a bit about such things. Those rules were probably instituted after learning the hard way that they were needed. Physical affection is designed to lead to more physical affection, and sex is where it is designed to end up. If you're not married, you can expect that it will lead you to sex before marriage. Not a surprise. It happens a lot. Even to people who think they are holy and/or careful. Talk with your pastor now. He probably already knows and is probably already trying to figure out what to do about you breaking the rules. He might be talking right now with attorneys about how to let you go.

Jesus said, literally recorded in one of the Gospels, about the Jewish authorities who had rules about everything, "Do what they say". They had the authority to make rules and the Jews had the obligation to follow them. At least according to Jesus.