What should I do or say

[rakkoon]

Need advice...
I have this friend who is determend to have 6 kids plus they want to adopt from another country. They are a christian couple who have been married for 6 years now.
They have 2 children now. They are struggling financially 2 weeks ago they asked for assistance from their church because they are unable to make ends meet as she put it "We only have $30.00 left over for food, for the whole month after paying all our debt" and "We are buying Top Romen noodles even then that can be too expencive" and "Our cuberds are bare."
They are trying for the 3rd child now. She had a miscarriage 2 months ago. She said she would start trying as soon as the dr. gave the go ahead. She insisted that she talked to a pastor about having this big family even though they are not financially stable. Supposedly he told her she was right on and we shouldn't let finances get in the way of having children.
We as her firend advised her that maybe her husband should quit school until he gets their debt paid off. And wait to have the next one till they are stable, she responded "You don't understand, we are going to have these kids whether we have enough money or not, God is going to provide."
When she went to her church to ask for help at first they turned her down but gave her a box full of food, she was very upset saying "Where is the compassion" and "WE NEED THE MONEY!" I explained to her that the church wants you to do everything possible (second job, ask family for help, etc.) before going to them.
The church finally agreed to help by giving them $650.00 and possibly help next month also.
The thing is I feel for the church b/c this couple is very careless with their money (buying things that they don't need). Her parents are helping with the rent, when she lyed and told the church they were paying all the rent. Then she recently mentioned all these gifts they bought for family. She also mentioned how her husband blamed this on her since she had been over spending, I asked her "If you only have $30.00 left over for food and gas at the end of the month how are you overspending." She said she wasn't, she said she may have over spend about $120.00 or so.
I've thought about calling the church and telling them something. Should I do anything. If they were really struggling why would they buy a Recliner, digital camera, and a Play Station 2, 6 months ago?

My husband and I were in a similar situation before, we worked out a budget. We did it ourselves. Christmas I am going to knit slippers for family members. We can not aford buying gifts for all these people. Our kids plus ourselves are the only ones who will be getting gifts. I don't ever want to be in that situation again.
What should I do? Or should I?

 

[justcallmejamie]

well i have a lot of opinions, and none of them are from God, pray for God's guidance and then wait for confirmation, dont focus on there stuff, worry about yourself, God will tell you what to do and more than likely work it out without your help anyway.

my 2 cents

 

[Qidron]

Well, since you put it out...I'll tell you what I think....you should back off...from advising your friend or exposing her to her church...or maybe from her altogether ...this is a hard to take situation. So ...more prayer.

There are SOOO many mixed up things going on in this situation..WOW.

So far they only have 2 children. So slow down in your concern and trust God here.

They surely were wrong to lie to their fellowship. How sad. A plus for the church just the same.

People who don't have enough often spend some $$ on fun...it's a coping mechanism that can very easily get out of hand. I've done it. I also learned from it.

If you still decide to hang out with her...you might invite her to come knit with you. And if it doesn't seem like there is enough time for Christmas gifts...you can take advantage of the 12 days of Christmas...and make fast scarves. People always need scarves. I have yarn I can send you...if you need.

I am the mother of 14 children. My husband always had a really good income...and yet finances have always been tight. The companies he worked for downsized 3 times and yet EVERY TIME the Lord provided another job with more money. A seemingly hard spot (and quite a testing for my husband) would always turn into blessing.

I wouldn't want to put money before family..and yeah God does provide. But like I said don't worry about them...pray...and let God take them through the rough spots. We help our married children when we can...but everyone has to deal with the responsibility of their own lives.

If these folks are really trusting in the Lord...and not just looking for handouts...HE will grow them up. He is faithful!

Blessings to you for your love for your friend.

 

[Leanna]

If I were the church, I would have helped them by helping them make a budget and a plan rather than just giving out money. But in your position, there is nothing you can do.... some people are bad with their money, lots of people on governmental aid with bad budgetting too. They should qualify for some government aid, and maybe WIC too, point them in that direction.

 

[DLX]

Wow inter-country adoption can be very very expensive. If they can't afford noodles, there's no way they are going to be able to afford a baby.

I guess really it is none of your buisness unless she starts asking you for money or advice. If you catch her in a lie, I would call her on it. Maybe get her some teaching on money management.

Lexi

 

[rakkoon]

I tryed giving her advice about putting the credit cards away and only using them for emergancies. she isn't open for advice just hand outs. She is very insistant on having all the kids even though I have told her that we would like to have maybe 3 more but it depends if we can afford it. Maybe we will only be able to have one more but thats ok too. She responds with "This is how many kids we are having case closed.
As for knitting....I am up to my eye balls on projects that need to be done before x-mas. I should have started 2 months ago Thank you Qidron, wow 14 kids, thats awesome.

 

[suzybeezy]

I've known people like this- it's always been my opinion that God will handle things. He won't let someone manipulate the system forever, he will intervene.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

The former republican that I am would have been terribly offended by this at one point. However, since I've given up those views and now simply focus on God, I no longer see this as the offense I once thought.

God sees the larger picture where we cannot. The Bible is quite clear how we are to help those in need and says nothing about judging their situation. Pray and allow God to do His work. He does pretty good on His own

 

[Leanna]

I tryed giving her advice about putting the credit cards away and only using them for emergancies. she isn't open for advice just hand outs. She is very insistant on having all the kids even though I have told her that we would like to have maybe 3 more but it depends if we can afford it. Maybe we will only be able to have one more but thats ok too. She responds with "This is how many kids we are having case closed.
As for knitting....I am up to my eye balls on projects that need to be done before x-mas. I should have started 2 months ago Thank you Qidron, wow 14 kids, thats awesome.

Many people aren't open for advice. I try not to give my friends advice unless they ask for it, I simply support them in their decisions. If she really bugs you on the whole you could just make new friends and not hang out with her much.

Personally I have noticed a lot of people who say 6 kids don't end up having six kids so its too early to really worry about that anyway.

My younger SIL's fiance says he wants 6-8 kids and have my SIL work the entire time she's pregnant and have them all in day care. I just roll my eyes because I know its not going to happen, he is far too selfish to work that out.

We have two friends (married) who are terrible with money too. They make 60,000 combined which is three times our income and they always complain to us about money. It gets pretty annoying, but oh well! Its their life and their future. We just need to keep working hard and someday get ahead, using money unwisely is not going to provide for a lifetime. Handouts won't always be there.

If they have income under 35,000 and children under 5 tell them about the WIC program, it has really helped us with healthy food.... its not much but its something.

 

[BeanMak]

The long and short is you have no responsiblity in making your friend make changes in her life. You can make suggestions (which you indicated aren't well received) at that point, you keep your mouth closed and your hands folded.

 

[mylittlelambs]

Maybe they are being tested to see how they handle the little bit of money to see if they can handle more later. I would just back off and not be around people like this. If you can exit stage left without too much trouble.

 

[Princessperky]

I am with the drop the advice thing, I know you could help them if they would listen, but something about planting seeds in rocks, they don't tend to grow. so, plus something about teaching a pig tricks, gets you all sweaty and annoys the pig. Not calling your friend a pig, just saying advice might annoy her more than help her. Especially that kid thing, I hate when people tell me I can't afford more kids, I am not taking any government money (or anyone elses) for them and I will not till it is life or death, my kids don't need playstations, I can afford the food just fine.....sore subject, might be for her to, getting her back up, not letting the help in.

I wouldn't drop the friendship though unless it is hurting you, if you can keep it up, keep it up with low cost or better free outings. be the example, not the lecturer sort of thing.

 

[Stan53]

Quite frankly the number of children a couple may or may not choose to have in none of my business!
In Christ,
Stan

 

[rakkoon]

Like I said my situation is that we too would like to have 4 more kids but we are looking at our finances. If we can only afford 1-2 more (with out gov. assistance) then we will have to stop. In my friends case she doesn't care. The last time she got pregnant (which let to miscarriage) she lyed to her parents by telling them it was an "Oops thing" when it wasn't b/c her parents were paying their rent in full. She and her husband promised they would not have another till they were able to afford their our rent. Her reasoning is the kids have to be 2 1/2 years apart, "Whether anyone likes it or not." I don't care how many kids she wants to have, just don't abuse the system where I end up paying for her decision (taxes). I'm thinking this is the reason she is so desperate to have another child now b/c she stopped getting money from the Gov.
She has done this in the past, I just started clueing in on things now. For one of our churchs Womens Retreat, a week before I was talking to our pastor about something. All of a sudden she butts in and starts telling the pastor how much she had been wanting to go but they just didn't have the money, she was histerically crying. She asked him if he remembered her since her husband used to be an assistant pastor there, of course he did remember. And you guessed it they payed for her. 2 weeks later she threw this huge b-day party for her 2 kids (their b-days are in the same month), I was when a friend who went to the party told me about it. What bugs me is the whole time I've known her (not knowing what was really going on). I would wonder why God was blessing her so much. To top it all off she would have this "Holier then Thou" attitude. I started wonder "What do people just want to write out checks to her for no reaon?"
Then 2 weeks ago she bought $100.00 worth of stuff from a Pampered Chef rep. (a close friend of mine). And in the past 8 month they have been on multiple trips out of state. Again where is the money coming from?

Like some said I should probably not say anything and let the Lord handle it. I have been keeping my distance from her hopefully the church will see what they are doing soon.
Thanks everyone for your insight. .

 

[fanintoflame]

i think there is a difference between being irresponsible and waiting for God to provide